Splitting Housework when One Person works

[shygurl]

Originally posted by JohnWeaver

It does sound pretty close, with the exception of me sort of being a homebody. I do love going out to movies and out to eat and going on walks and things though. and those have become somewhat limited but yeah.. zingy if your out there drop me a line please .

 

My goodness, I think she's closer than we think. *wink*

[loony]

Being jobless, having no contact with people outside (ok, maybe that's less of a problem for her), never getting the satisfying feeling of having accomplished something a bit more meaningful than cleaning the floor, not having your own money to spend, etc. The list could go on endlessly... Believe me, being unemployed can take it's toll on your self-worth. No way I will ever become a fricking housewife....

 

Nonetheless, your girlfriends seems to be too demanding. I'd be very frustrated, I'd hate doing the chores, I'd want to get out, but I would not tell you to do more chores. I would think it was my share that I had to contribute to this relationship. I may still not do it completely though, because I was so frustrated and depressed, but basically I'd consider it my obligation as you were out earning money and I would not demand from you to participate more. Does it make sense somehow?

 

But as some other posters have already pointed out. There's a difference between doing the chores and picking up after someone. Picking up after your stuff would clearly trigger a feeling of defensiveness in me as I'm not your maid.

 

Talk with her and try to find out how she really feels about the situation. Ask her how she feels about the situation at home. It's so important that you have someone who listens to your problems and accepts you. I really can't imagine that she's very happy at the moment.

[JohnWeaver]

I am the lazy person everyone is talking about. I am the life you are debating.

 

First I want to say I agree with most of you, and the points you've made. What Weaver didn't tell you is that this whole splitting the housework thing has been about consideration. I asked him why, when I do everything else around here - and I do mean everything shy of cleaning his cats litter boxes - including picking up his worn clothing, doing and folding the laundry, cleaning both bathrooms, doing the dishes, getting on my hands and knees to clean the carpets where he tread dirt through with his boots because he can't remember to take his boots off in the mud room, taking care of the animals, setting up his appointments, talking to his insurance company to set up those appointments, washing the floors, cleaning up the backyard and mowing the lawn, changing the bedding, cleaning up after him - he can't offer me some help on the weekends. Why he can't pick up the dishwand without me asking him too, and do the dishes for me. One day. On the weekend. When there are five people here and dishes pile up faster than I can blink.

 

I ask him to do things, yes. He doesn't do them. Then he makes himself a list; because 4 weeks later it still isn't done. Then I ask him to do one thing, i.e. Will you clean the shower curtain for me? I forgot and my hands hurt. And he puts it off and when I bring it up to him again, holy gods, the world comes tumbling down. It comes down to how many hours he works, versus me.

 

I'm not asking him to do the brunt of the housework, or anything like that. I'm asking for some consideration and respect. I am not his work horse. And I've made that very clear to him. I've put it into "feelings" rather than accusations, but all he can give me is "I don't think I should be doing anything."

 

I have phobias. After losing my latest therapist to an insurance change, I found, researched and started seeing a renowned psychiatrist who deals with this specific kind of phobia. As for contributing to the finances, I've been through the work-from-home things years ago. We even went to a seminar for one -- only $400.00 upfront for their program and contacts, and $200.00 every two months for the next 6. I also, though it does sound unappealing, even brought up working as a phone sex operator. Guess what John said about that one?

 

I am disabled. I finally got temporary disability for my phobias and I do contribute financially to this household. I get the max allowed by state, and 95% of it goes to bills. I have a change jar I've been saving for the past 6 months, I have $63 dollars in it, and I'm saving up for a christmas present that I know John will love.

 

Yes, I talk in poetry chats, to improve my writing. I write poetry -- I've always wanted to be a writer. I've even been offered to be published, but I can't. I panicked. I am that bad, that god damn isolated by my phobias. The places John takes me are to my doctors appointments, mainly my psychiatrist, and he told me yesterday he wants that to count as one of his chores. I appreciate everything he does for me, yet he tells me pointblank I am selfish.

 

The point is, I don't think I'm being selfish in the least bit. I'm asking him to think about me, to respect me and think I'm worth enough to do the dishes once a week, maybe mow the lawn. He just doesn't. If it takes outside forces to tell him he should, then I don't want it. I want him to think enough of me to do something for me. You know what started this whole thing? This argument, in fact, was started because I asked him if he wanted to sit int he kitchen to eat dinner, at the table, and maybe have an adult conversation. (By adult, I meant without the kids around. Not an argument, and not an explicit conversation.) No, he wanted to sit in the living room in front of the T.V.

 

I'm not trying to paint a picture of a bad guy here. I don't even know what this sounds like. It's just my reality, and things I've told him over and over again. He's a good guy. But I think I'm a good person too. I just wanted to give you my side of the story. No matter what I say to him, it comes down to how many hours he's worked, versus me.

[loony]

Ok, after reading the girlfriend's point of view it seems to me that the problem is really not only her. It seems JohnWeaver's should be really a bit more considerate. If your job consists of doing the chores, the only source of appreciation comes from your husband and in this case she obviously doesn't feel that her work is appreciated enough. And it's understandable, why should she? If you're not even allowed to get a rest or some help on the weekends, you're not much better than a slave, you're constantly working and there's no end to it, unlike with a 40 hour job where you go home and can drop off any kind of responsibility.

 

As I said, doing chores and cleaning up after someone, because he's just too careless to pick up his own stuff are two things.

 

You guys should really sit down and have a talk.

[JohnWeaver]

Originally posted by loony

 

You guys should really sit down and have a talk.

 

This is the other, again. I have been trying to talk to him. This conversation seems endless, because it is always unfinished. He will not see my point of view. He only sees that he works, and I do not. I always put things in "feelings" rather than "accusations." Still, it comes down to his hours versus mine. In exasperation, I told him to look it up on the internet.

 

The other day he told me about a co-worker of his that has a wife that "makes" him do the dishes every once in a while. When I said, "See, it's not just me, other couples do it too." His reply was, "Yeah well, she takes care of two kids."

 

Whatever. Maybe I should be doing absolutely everything. Why I would ever presume to think that he should help me out is beyond me.

 

As for the guy who suggested hiring a maid, instead of buying me nice things and bestowing gifts upon me.. Well, if he ever bought me anything I would say you have an idea. John rolls his eyes when ever I ask him for anything. He's brought home flowers 4 times in the 6 years we've been together, and barring birthdays and holidays, he doesn't buy me anything "special." And I don't expect it.

[JohnWeaver]

You can see how mutual the respect she's looking for is. Comes in here without my permission and posts on my name. blah.. this whole thing is ruined.

[JohnWeaver]

Excuse me? May I interject?

 

John --- you came on here and made me out to be some horrible, lazy, disrespectful, money-grubbing, free-loading wench.

 

You didn't even bother to tell them how much I do for you, or that I do contribute to the finances. You're talking about respect? After all I put down, all I wrote, you can only see that one thing? How dare you imply that I am disrespectful. You left this up on the computer, so it was one of the first things I saw when I got up - after doing the dishes.

 

As for using your name, I didn't feel like registering, and it automatically signed you in.

 

Regards,

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by JohnWeaver

He's brought home flowers 4 times in the 6 years we've been together, and barring birthdays and holidays, he doesn't buy me anything "special."

 

While it is interesting to see both sides of the coin.

 

Me thinks you guys have a whole lot more problems than just doing the dishes.

 

How is arguing the points in thread going to help Weaver ? It won't.. You getting on here just mucked it all up.. He now no longer can speak without fear of reprisal.

 

Comunication is most likely the key to this problem we all have writing about..

If you John can't speak to her and have her listen and vise versa then your relationship will get worse and fail.

 

As far as the other isues of respect and privacy those you are going to have to work out also.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by JohnWeaver

How dare you imply that I am disrespectful.

 

You are being disrespectful to him .. But you are in the middle of an argument and this you will most likely have to apoligize for later

[LADYBELT]

I do all the chores and take care of all the bills I cook clean do dishes by hand and wash cloths andTake care of all three of my children. I am disable and I still do all of the above my husband works very hard. He comes home everyday and is so tired that he just sits in the chair and don't move.... An lord If I ask him to do something he would loss it on me and I really do not ask him to do nothing except maybe something in the yard... I feel that being at home with three kids is harder than his job but he does not feel that way..

I can say I do respect him for what he does for our family. I love him and wouldn't down him for not helping me. I am just a very clean person.. It makes me feel good to see my house clean.. It makes me have that respect for myslef that I have done something... Most men I can say really would like to help but the really just don't know how and when they do do it we will go behind them fixin things where they haven't done it the way we like it to be done...

So as to your comments WEAVERS I think you both should respect each other's feeling and be glad that you have the love you have and try to work on respecting her and she needs to try to work on respecting you...

It's something that just makes you feel good when you can ask someone to do something and they do without a word.

You work she don't but do you ever thing of being at your work all the time... that would really sux don't you think...

I don't mean to be taking sides I just do see both sides...

I think you have thought about this thats why you are here for advice alist you care enough to ask.. nice guys seems to me...

[JohnWeaver]

Is there a way to just close a thread... this whole thing started because i was told "why don't you go on the internet and find out if it's fair" so I did, I left only the major facts... no information on if I was even male or female.. I didn't put that she recieves some welfare money each month that pays for her school loan, some supplies, and a portion of the bills (not even gonna bother with how big of a portion). I didn't even really want to get into "why she doesn't work" etc, but I thought it might help in solving a problem. I thought it was more of an emotional thing, or some resentment of me. But she doesn't even care... if I can end this thread someone let me know how.. I'm going to go pick up pieces of the broken lamp in my game room now.

 

John

[Outcast]

This is the other, again. I have been trying to talk to him. This conversation seems endless, because it is always unfinished. He will not see my point of view. He only sees that he works, and I do not. I always put things in "feelings" rather than "accusations." Still, it comes down to his hours versus mine. In exasperation, I told him to look it up on the internet

 

It seems to happen a lot like this - one person in a couple sees only his contribution and does not look for or see the other's. I think Mrs JW should make a list of what she's done every day and what he's done every day and he can do the same. Then they could compare lists and see how they see each other.

 

I think they should put up a nice big chore chart on the wall and each person puts an x beside their completed chore and the date it's done.

 

And I think if Mr. JW keeps on like this refusing to see what Mrs. JW does and complaining that things aren't done, Mrs. JW might just get sick and fed up of it all and find that she's much happier without Mr. JW.

 

Maybe he works and maybe she doesn't but that doesn't mean he's got a free maid and cook - and it seems she does a lot of other things too like mow the lawn!

 

Sorry Mr. JW but you told the story to make her look bad and you look good and you 'left out' some pretty important information.

[shygurl]

I feel badly for Mr JW - he was likely very snottily told "go see what people on the internet think about all this" and that's what he did. I don't think he painted her in a bad light at all. He stated facts - he works 10 hr days, at least 40 hrs of week, she DOES NOT work outside the home at all (she can't, she has phobias, no driver's license, is reliant on him to drive her places) - she complains to him that she does everything and doesn't feel she should.

 

The fact of the matter is - these 2 aren't married (he referred to her as his "partner", not his WIFE). She's dissed him a lot in her responses, b*tching that he never buys her nice things, bla bla bla. If she doesn't like the way he is, simple, move on a find someone who's a better match.

 

No man wants to be nagged the minute he walks in the door about things he needs to clean. Also, getting someone to help you comes down to your "delivery" - it's how you ask them to help ..... is it asking or is it b*tching and nagging?

 

Does she ever thank him for the fact that he's the main breadwinner in the familly and that he's ultimately responsible for supporting her? If it weren't for him, could she survive on her own? Of course not - heck, she can't even drive. Does she make him feel appreciated for how hard he works outside the home?

 

Judging by his last post, it would seem she busted up a lamp of his. That's abusive, to bust up your partner's things and be so out of control of your emotions.

 

I feel sorry for John.