Navybluegal Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 This is a bit messy but I feel I have to give details to paint a more accurate picture of what's going on. A few months ago I reconnected with my ex from a few years back. Initially we were talking like friends but of course slid back to sleeping together. We had amazing sex a handful of a few times, nothing regular. We text every day but it certainly doesn't feel like consistent dating but more like FWB.. which I'm not interested in. So at this point I'm considering telling him that I'd like to put sex on hold until we start seeing each other more regularly aka dating. If not, we can just remain platonic friends. What do you all think - would it be an acceptable solution or does it just sound dumb now that we've already been sleeping together? 1
Redhead14 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 This is a bit messy but I feel I have to give details to paint a more accurate picture of what's going on. A few months ago I reconnected with my ex from a few years back. Initially we were talking like friends but of course slid back to sleeping together. We had amazing sex a handful of a few times, nothing regular. We text every day but it certainly doesn't feel like consistent dating but more like FWB.. which I'm not interested in. So at this point I'm considering telling him that I'd like to put sex on hold until we start seeing each other more regularly aka dating. If not, we can just remain platonic friends. What do you all think - would it be an acceptable solution or does it just sound dumb now that we've already been sleeping together? You have the absolute right and responsibility to yourself to stop having sex with anyone at anytime. You don't "owe" sex to him just because you've already been having sex. 4
eightytwenty Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 I think you need to choose.. Either a girlfriend or a FWB. If you want a relationship I wouldn't even consider a FWB. Putting a stop to sex I don't think will work because you've already crossed that.. You need to ask him if he wants a relationship because you have feeling for him and don't want to get hurt, or move on. Hiding your feelings for a FWB is not a good thing, because they are still looking and eventually he'll find someone and quit texting/messing with you. So you pick, then ask him what he wants. If he wants a relationship great, if he wants to stay FWB I would move on.
Author Navybluegal Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 I was thinking to tell him that we can continue seeing each other and spending time together but no sex until we start getting together on a more regular basis, or we can just be friends but platonic. No "in-between" FWB kind of arrangement. Does that sound reasonable? 1
Methodical Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 You should tell him no sex unless you are in a committed relationship together and skip the "until we start getting together on a more regular basis." The latter has many shades of grey.
Formerfiveo Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 It sounds like you'd be open to revisiting a dating relationship. Did I read that right in your initial post? Maybe telling him that you'd like to build a solid foundation first, because he is an "ex" for a reason, because you want more than just great sex. And then see where things go. If he's interested in more than a FWB, he will respect your wishes. But, and I've seen this happen before, be very careful with the signals you give him if you do take sex off the table and work towards a reconciliation. Don't tease him and don't give mixed signals.
Redhead14 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 (edited) I was thinking to tell him that we can continue seeing each other and spending time together but no sex until we start getting together on a more regular basis, or we can just be friends but platonic. No "in-between" FWB kind of arrangement. Does that sound reasonable? Just get some clarity between you about what you each want now. Is he looking for a long-term, committed relationship for himself? If he's only interested in casual dating/FWB, then you can tell him that you don't want that kind of relationship with him and you want to just remain platonic friends and that you will continue your search for the type of relationship you really want. And, if he says he's looking for a committed relationship, you sit back and observe whether or not he actually starts dating you that way by scheduling proper dates that don't include going back to his or your house for a little while. You're creating a boundary now so you need to enforce it and let him demonstrate his sincerity in that. Edited December 13, 2016 by Redhead14 2
gorf Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 He is an ex, so purely friends (you dont have sex with a friend) or a relationship. Either one or the other. I would wonder though, why did you break up in the first place, and if you are considering the relationship rout, what has changed since you broke up to now? Do you personally see him as a long term comitted partner? Does he for you? Really depends what caused the breakup to begin with. I think putting sex on hold is a good idea, but I would not word it to him exactly like that. To say "put it on hold" might mean he has to change things around in-order to get more. And you might wonder how authentic his actions are in a relationship from that point. I would suggest a better way to go about this would be to talk about what caused the breakup, dont even talk about sex, and see if there is anywhere you can solid go in that direction. If its a no, then say you want to be friends. You are in control of whether he has sex with you or not, but you first have to know what he is after. Is its sex and being friendly (FWB), or is he really trying to rebuild the relationship and building goals together, you know, is he relationship material? A talk you will have to have with him about his agenda. I have a feeling, if you have a deep enough talk with him, all the truth you will need to hear will come out. Just be careful, sometimes an ex coming back, knowing what it takes to get into your mind and make you feel a certain way, he can have demoted you to fwb in his head, and will tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in his agenda. So its up to you to question him
leogirl876 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 This is a bit messy but I feel I have to give details to paint a more accurate picture of what's going on. A few months ago I reconnected with my ex from a few years back. Initially we were talking like friends but of course slid back to sleeping together. We had amazing sex a handful of a few times, nothing regular. We text every day but it certainly doesn't feel like consistent dating but more like FWB.. which I'm not interested in. So at this point I'm considering telling him that I'd like to put sex on hold until we start seeing each other more regularly aka dating. If not, we can just remain platonic friends. What do you all think - would it be an acceptable solution or does it just sound dumb now that we've already been sleeping together? It's your body and you can do whatever you want with it. Just because you had sex with him before, does not mean you have to have sex with him now. I wouldn't tell him you're putting sex on hold because a man will think you're doing it to manipulate him or "holding the p*&&y ransom" as I've heard before, even though I know as a woman that's not what you're doing. I don't know, maybe only meet in public places for now or tell him you want to slow things down right now. I don't know the best way to approach it because I'm a woman, but know that you are under no obligation to give him sex, just like he's under no obligation to give you a commitment, but men need to understand that they can't have their cake and eat it too.
anika99 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 You should tell him no sex unless you are in a committed relationship together and skip the "until we start getting together on a more regular basis." The latter has many shades of grey. I agree. Ask him to define your relationship. gf/bf or fwb. If he says he sees you as a girlfriend then the conversation should be about how, as his gf, you are not pleased about how much time you get with him and you would like him to step up his game. Keep sex out of it as that makes it sound like you are using sex as a reward. If he defines your relationship as fwb then simply tell him that you are not interested in that kind of relationship and end things. Don't make is sound like you are using sex to manipulate him or reward him.
Author Navybluegal Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Thanks for all the replies. I suspect that he is not looking for anything more than just hanging out. We had this convesation way back when we used to date and when I brought up the subject of where things are going his response was "let's not overthink things... I'm enjoying you" and that's it. Can't imagine much has changed since then. When we started talking again after breaking up my intent was only to remain friends, so I obviously slipped up. It's hard to be "friends" with someone you find physically attractive...
ToBePampered Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 Say exactly what you said to us. But don't make it a question or suggestion. State it as a matter of fact. You have every right to stop sex at any time you feel like it. You are not in a relationship with this person, there are no sexual obligations.
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 If he is in the least bit "fuzzy", ie I don't know what I want, Lets just see where it goes. We're having fun aren't we? let's not spoil it with labels etc. then walk away. He is your ex, not some guy you just met. He will know what he really wants here. It is not uncommon for guys to turn the ex into a fwb. He only needs/wants a fwb, she thinks he wants to get back together... YOU are correct in that you need to clarify things, before you start assuming you are back together, as that may not be his intention at all. 1
Author Navybluegal Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 To me it's pretty clear that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I doubt he'll step up his game - if he wanted to he would have done it already. Seems like he's one of those people who doesn't like to commit to anyone, period.
LargoLagg Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 I was thinking to tell him that we can continue seeing each other and spending time together but no sex until we start getting together on a more regular basis, or we can just be friends but platonic. No "in-between" FWB kind of arrangement. Does that sound reasonable?Why would you think that it is unreasonable? Just because he's an ex? Just because you gave him a little no-strings sex already? Because he tapped it a lot in the past, and this gives him rights to immediate sex years in the future? The answer to this question seems beyond obvious. What introduces doubt into your thinking?
Author Navybluegal Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Why would you think that it is unreasonable? Just because he's an ex? Just because you gave him a little no-strings sex already? Because he tapped it a lot in the past, and this gives him rights to immediate sex years in the future? The answer to this question seems beyond obvious. What introduces doubt into your thinking? Same line of business, lots of mutual friends and colleagues - have to be careful with the choice of words...
gorf Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 To me it's pretty clear that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I doubt he'll step up his game - if he wanted to he would have done it already. Seems like he's one of those people who doesn't like to commit to anyone, period. Yeah based on what he said at the beginning "dont want to think into it too far Im just enjoying you" , thats telling you his goals. Right there. That was during a time when if you are really into someone and vision a long term relationship for yourself, you would say otherwise. You would have natural answers that come out. He told you his extent of what he wanted in that sentence alone. Call it fwb, call it light dating, whatever word you like. But the bottom line is he, from the start, was not interested in anything serious, with YOU. So if you continue with him in any way, I would tread lightly and not let your emotions get the best of you.
HereNorThere Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I read through your posts and you never really said why you don't want to continue sleeping with him. If he agreed to exclusivity and not sleeping with other people while he's sleeping with you, would that meet your expectations? Is it an all or nothing thing or is there a way you can both meet in middle and have the relationship feel safer?
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