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Did he just want to Netflix and chill? Was I ghosted?

ToBePampered

By ToBePampered
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I understand what you're saying, it's perfectly fine that he changed his mind. I guess I'm just curious because I'm human... Of course none of you would have the answer. But I can't help but think what was it exactly that made him change his mind... and when exactly did it happen because it seemed to happen in an instance.

 

But that's neither here nor there. Thanks for all of your help.

 

Sweetie, it always seems like "it" happens in an instant :) because you can't know the future or a person's mind. It comes to light, when it comes to light. Just because a guy asks you on a date, it doesn't mean it's a done deal for the future. Dating is a process, not an event.

 

You want to know if there is something wrong with you that caused him to not pursue you. And, even if you knew that there was something in particular, you might have done things differently or "been" different. You cannot change yourself like a chameleon to accommodate a dating partner(s). You just have to be yourself and let them decide if it works for them and the same is true for you and be able to accept that.

 

And, guess what, there are women who do do that. They try to figure a guy out so that they can be what that guy wants. They are desperate, immature, incomplete women. Another woman in your position might have gone ahead and gone to his place and had sex with him because she realized he wanted sex. So she ends up doing that, hoping it will make him want to stay with her. But, she would likely only have had a one-night stand.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Thanks everyone for answering thus far... it's been really helpful.

 

I can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed by the whole situation... I can't exactly put it into words, but something about this experience frustrated me more than him as a person.

 

Even though this is just one small experience. It almost really makes me not want to date, and to believe that maybe I'm not one of those "lucky" ones who actually come out of this with a positive experience.

 

Maybe that's an attitude adjustment I need to make... but based off of how this has felt, and other experiences that I've had this year. I don't think my spirit is compatible with the craziness that is dating. I may just do a separate post on this...

 

Thanks again everyone

 

You have nothing to be embarrassed about -- you read the situation very well! And, you should keep dating. You seem to be clear about what you want and don't want and how to navigate the dating process and see the forest through the trees. This guy was a tree not the whole forest.

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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You have nothing to be embarrassed about -- you read the situation very well! And, you should keep dating. You seem to be clear about what you want and don't want and how to navigate the dating process and see the forest through the trees. This guy was a tree not the whole forest.

 

Ahhh more imagery and analogies!!! I love it! I need your presence in every question I ask going forward lol.

 

I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns. But I'm starting to doubt how realistic it will be for someone to remain interested and wait for a 22 year old virgin who ideally wants to wait for marriage... but mostly for a really committed relationship. When I consider those ideas I feel like there is no point. I can't even get past the first date.

 

I get That there is nothing "wrong" with me... but it doesn't make me feel ANY better when people tell me to

-move on

-FIND someone else

-SOMEONE else is out there for you..

 

You didn't say any of those things. I'm just venting.

How am I supposed to just "find him" or just "move" on. I'm actually not actively dating. I'm just living my life and I meet people. Which makes me have hope that they may be some what quality because I met them doing things I believe in.

 

I really don't think that I'm made for active dating like being on dating sites or datin services.... my personality can't handle that. But the universe keeps presenting me people I am not interested in/not interested in me.

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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Posted
Sweetie, it always seems like "it" happens in an instant :) because you can't know the future or a person's mind. It comes to light, when it comes to light. Just because a guy asks you on a date, it doesn't mean it's a done deal for the future. Dating is a process, not an event.

 

You want to know if there is something wrong with you that caused him to not pursue you. And, even if you knew that there was something in particular, you might have done things differently or "been" different. You cannot change yourself like a chameleon to accommodate a dating partner(s). You just have to be yourself and let them decide if it works for them and the same is true for you and be able to accept that.

 

And, guess what, there are women who do do that. They try to figure a guy out so that they can be what that guy wants. They are desperate, immature, incomplete women. Another woman in your position might have gone ahead and gone to his place and had sex with him because she realized he wanted sex. So she ends up doing that, hoping it will make him want to stay with her. But, she would likely only have had a one-night stand.

 

I guess all of this has taught me to trust my intuition. I had a strange feeling that I wasn't gonna hear from him again because I didnt go to his house, and bats why I tried to get the ball moving again.

 

But to be honest there is a part of me that IS that desperate. Part of me wants to morph into what will be pleasing to other people... I'm a recovering codependent so that's why... but even on top of that I've been single for so long.... I can't help but compare myself to the people around me who are happily in relationships. People who have more baggage and little nuances and quirks than I do... not that I'm any better, but rather I'm not any worse.

 

Why hasn't it happened for me?

  • Like 1
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

TBP,

 

Why hasn't it happened for me?

 

Because you aren't ready for it yet.

 

And because you aren't ready then you're sending out the wrong vibes and attracting the wrong guys.

 

If you are a recovering co-dependent then you need to do some work on yourself to strengthen your boundaries and elevate your self-esteem.

 

Are you in therapy? If not, it might be useful - it was for me.

 

If you've spent years being a "people-pleaser" it's hard to change, but it's not impossible.

You can do this.

 

Good luck x

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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TBP,

 

 

 

Because you aren't ready for it yet.

 

And because you aren't ready then you're sending out the wrong vibes and attracting the wrong guys.

 

If you are a recovering co-dependent then you need to do some work on yourself to strengthen your boundaries and elevate your self-esteem.

 

Are you in therapy? If not, it might be useful - it was for me.

 

If you've spent years being a "people-pleaser" it's hard to change, but it's not impossible.

You can do this.

 

Good luck x

 

Hi thanks for answering. Yes, I've been a in therapy for a few months now. I definitely feel a major improvement in my self esteem. And all of my activities like belly dance, ballroom, modeling, my education, and even work are all really positive influences on me.

 

But I'm sure I'll never be "fixed". I accept that I'm always going to be a work in progress. I don't see why I can't attract the right person now, as compared to later. I'm always going to have work to do, and I think I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I guess all of this has taught me to trust my intuition. I had a strange feeling that I wasn't gonna hear from him again because I didnt go to his house, and bats why I tried to get the ball moving again.

 

But to be honest there is a part of me that IS that desperate. Part of me wants to morph into what will be pleasing to other people... I'm a recovering codependent so that's why... but even on top of that I've been single for so long.... I can't help but compare myself to the people around me who are happily in relationships. People who have more baggage and little nuances and quirks than I do... not that I'm any better, but rather I'm not any worse.

 

Why hasn't it happened for me?

 

I'm a recovering codependent so that's why -- Really???? I wouldn't have guessed ;)

 

there is a part of me that IS that desperate -- The truth shall set you free. You are desperate for "outside validation". Having a man in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy or secure. Having a man in your life should only add to/enhance the happiness you already have. Find things you really enjoy and have a passion for. Explore, try new things, anything and everything. Even if you find the right guy for you, you should have a rich, fulfilling life that runs parallel to any relationship you have so that if that relationship does fail, you have a soft landing spot.

 

Part of me wants to morph into what will be pleasing to other people -- It is not important to please other people. What's important is that you are pleased with yourself. Focus on your strengths, address your weaknesses/things that you aren't as happy with, one at a time.

 

Balance your emotions and expectations with logic, insight and foresight. Keep your eye on the ball at all times -- you and your future the way you envision it and accept nothing/no one that doesn't help get you there and learn to accept that not everyone can or should do that for you.

  • Like 1
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

TBP,

 

But I'm sure I'll never be "fixed".

 

Not sure what you mean by "fixed" but you can be the best person you can be.

 

I accept that I'm always going to be a work in progress.

 

We're all "work in progress". :)

 

We're all going to be continually learning about different challenges in this thing we call "life". (That's if we are open to doing so)

 

I've been a in therapy for a few months now. I definitely feel a major improvement in my self esteem. And all of my activities like belly dance, ballroom, modeling, my education, and even work are all really positive influences on me.

 

Great stuff - keep it up ! :D

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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I'm a recovering codependent so that's why -- Really???? I wouldn't have guessed ;)

 

there is a part of me that IS that desperate -- The truth shall set you free. You are desperate for "outside validation". Having a man in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy or secure. Having a man in your life should only add to/enhance the happiness you already have. Find things you really enjoy and have a passion for. Explore, try new things, anything and everything. Even if you find the right guy for you, you should have a rich, fulfilling life that runs parallel to any relationship you have so that if that relationship does fail, you have a soft landing spot.

 

Part of me wants to morph into what will be pleasing to other people -- It is not important to please other people. What's important is that you are pleased with yourself. Focus on your strengths, address your weaknesses/things that you aren't as happy with, one at a time.

 

Balance your emotions and expectations with logic, insight and foresight. Keep your eye on the ball at all times -- you and your future the way you envision it and accept nothing/no one that doesn't help get you there and learn to accept that not everyone can or should do that for you.

 

Yes, all that you've mentioned is what I've spent the last two years doing. Especially this year. I feel a major improvement believe it or not in myself esteem. And I believe bats why I was Able to dodge this bullet. But since I have been working on myself and really do love my life and my hobbies and everything I have going for myself, it does leave me wondering when the "right" time will actually be... I don't mind spending time with myslef and growing, but I do wonder when I will have "accomplished" or loved myself enough to be ready for a relationship.

 

I know ultimately that's what I want. Even though I struggle with codependency I still feel that I deserve to be loved and to have someone to share life with. I didn't choose to struggle with codependency. Codependent or not, I feel like I was meant to have a family of my own one day. But experience makes me doubt that that will happen.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Yes, all that you've mentioned is what I've spent the last two years doing. Especially this year. I feel a major improvement believe it or not in myself esteem. And I believe bats why I was Able to dodge this bullet. But since I have been working on myself and really do love my life and my hobbies and everything I have going for myself, it does leave me wondering when the "right" time will actually be... I don't mind spending time with myslef and growing, but I do wonder when I will have "accomplished" or loved myself enough to be ready for a relationship.

 

I know ultimately that's what I want. Even though I struggle with codependency I still feel that I deserve to be loved and to have someone to share life with. I didn't choose to struggle with codependency. Codependent or not, I feel like I was meant to have a family of my own one day. But experience makes me doubt that that will happen.

 

But experience makes me doubt that that will happen -- It takes a long time and a lot of hurt to become co-dependent. Moving on from it takes a long time too. Focus on your successes and learn from the mistakes.

 

You didn't made a mistake this time :)

 

With all the progress you seem to be making, I'm sure you realize that you should stop dating now for a little while because of the negative thinking you've been doing with this situation. Process it and let it go. Then try again.

  • Like 1
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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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Posted
But experience makes me doubt that that will happen -- It takes a long time and a lot of hurt to become co-dependent. Moving on from it takes a long time too. Focus on your successes and learn from the mistakes.

 

You didn't made a mistake this time :)

 

With all the progress you seem to be making, I'm sure you realize that you should stop dating now for a little while because of the negative thinking you've been doing with this situation. Process it and let it go. Then try again.

 

Thanks Redhead, I agree. I did the right thing, but maybe the way it has affected me has shown that I need to be single a little while longer.

  • Like 2
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
I guess all of this has taught me to trust my intuition. I had a strange feeling that I wasn't gonna hear from him again because I didnt go to his house, and bats why I tried to get the ball moving again.

 

But to be honest there is a part of me that IS that desperate. Part of me wants to morph into what will be pleasing to other people... I'm a recovering codependent so that's why... but even on top of that I've been single for so long.... I can't help but compare myself to the people around me who are happily in relationships. People who have more baggage and little nuances and quirks than I do... not that I'm any better, but rather I'm not any worse.

 

Why hasn't it happened for me?

 

The fact that you're trying to be something you're not in order to appear appealing to people who aren't right for you (I had a strange feeling that I wasn't gonna hear from him again because I didn't go to his house) shows me that you ARE a codependent. I think instead of focusing your effort and attention on other people and their relationships, bring that focus inwards. If hasn't happened because you're absolutely not ready for it. When you are, things will fall into place almost effortlessly.

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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Posted
The fact that you're trying to be something you're not in order to appear appealing to people who aren't right for you (I had a strange feeling that I wasn't gonna hear from him again because I didn't go to his house) shows me that you ARE a codependent. I think instead of focusing your effort and attention on other people and their relationships, bring that focus inwards. If hasn't happened because you're absolutely not ready for it. When you are, things will fall into place almost effortlessly.

 

I don't think that I'll ever be 100% free of codependency. But thanks for your answer.

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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

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I have an UPDATE if any one is interested. Nothing major but Just wanted to close it out for those who are paying attention.

 

Tonight was the committee meeting. SURPRISE he didn't show up... this is the second time he's bailed on the group, and the group was initially his idea. Go figure...

 

Anyway, I won't have to see him until middle of Jan... possibly even Feb. I think I'll be looking back and laughing at this by then.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
Hi thanks for answering. Yes, I've been a in therapy for a few months now. I definitely feel a major improvement in my self esteem. And all of my activities like belly dance, ballroom, modeling, my education, and even work are all really positive influences on me.

 

But I'm sure I'll never be "fixed". I accept that I'm always going to be a work in progress. I don't see why I can't attract the right person now, as compared to later. I'm always going to have work to do, and I think I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

 

We are all a work in progress as we never stop learning. You are only 22 so you have plenty of time to meet the right person and marry. You don't have to be in a rush. Some people find love early in life while others find it much later.

  • Like 1
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ToBePampered Member

ToBePampered

Posted
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We are all a work in progress as we never stop learning. You are only 22 so you have plenty of time to meet the right person and marry. You don't have to be in a rush. Some people find love early in life while others find it much later.

 

Thanks for being reassuring and kind.

Tc

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