Agnostincerd Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 (edited) Okay so I met a girl online about a year and a half ago, we were always so crazy about each other, when we first met we were talking day and night. Eventually we admitted our feelings for each other and started a sort of relationship, after a couple of months she git a bit funny got really d at me for reasons I can't remember (probably made no sense) and blocked me for a month or so, until she mesaged me again. Me always being so in love with this girl decided to start speaking again (at this pointn we still hadnt met) we got more intense and eventually she told me she loved me, we decided not to start anything official until we met. About 2 months after that I decided to go and meet her, she was nervous but everything was amazing, we were so crazy for each other everything was exciting blabla new relationship. After this first meet we were more loving than ever, every day skype so crazy for each other. Within the next 5 months I nwent to visit her another two times, all the same just amazing. Recently she's been a bit funny getting anfry at me for the most unbelievable reasons ever. She asked me to come see her again so me being me I did. The first day was fine, the second day was a different story. She got super angry at me because I didn't know which subway station we were at in her country, a country I do not speak the language. After that we were a bit silent, but still enjoyed the rest of our day. The next day the same thing happened, she got angry for the most ridiculous reason. After about an hour of silence I finally decided to ask her what was wrong, that's when she said ahe didn't feel the same. So I suggested we go back to the hotel and talk. She told me she had been thinking about it for 2 weeks, she loves me but She's tired of being the strong one in the relationship and that she thinks we should break up. That same night and the night after she was more loving than ever, constantly hugging, kissing and other things I shall not mention. I come back to england leave it a couple of days and ask what's going on ? She tells me she wants to break up, she loves me so much and I'm the only thing that keeps her happy but she can't do it anymore. We haven't spoken for 5 days now and I literally cannot describe how much I miss her, we've always had problems like cultural differences, crazy families, but everytime we were faced with a problem we stick through it and made ourselves excites about our future together and that we will make it happen no matter what. I just can't understand, if you love someone thos much surely this is the most ridoculous decision ever ? We always had confidence we would make it one way or another, why give up on it this easily all of a sudden ? Now she also has a pretty bad mental state but I still dont inderstand this reasoning. She told me not to try and get back with her but still wants to be connected on any social media, also wants to pretend to people we're still together so she doesn't get harrased, now that just takes making no sense to a whole nother level! I'm habing real issues trying to decide what to do, do I message her even though she told me not tot ry and get back togehter, will this ever work again ? Because to be homest I can't imagine myself without her at the moment, she bought me ao much happiness and thia ended so suddenly. So, do I message her ? Or do I leave it another week or so and give her some space ? Orrrr do I just cut all contact and get over this ? Edited December 13, 2016 by Agnostincerd Typo 1
Satu Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 Welcome to Loveshack. Sorry that you're in this painful situation. I wouldn't message her for now. Leaving her to her own devices will help her gain some clarity regarding her own thoughts and feelings, and it sounds like she needs that. I think her confusion is greater than yours. So respect what she said, and don't "try to get her back." Focus on yourself while she goes through whatever it is that that she's going through. I think thats the most loving thing you can do at the moment. Take care. 1
CommittedToThis Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 Hey there, Your story breaks my heart, mainly because I've gotta tell you, it sounds to me -- and I could be totally wrong, ok? -- but it sounds to me like your ex has a Cluster B personality disorder. Google it and be prepared for a whole lot of lightbulb moments. I can almost guarantee you will relate, sorry to say. Okay so I met a girl online about a year and a half ago, we were always so crazy about each other Red flag number one: relationships that start out "crazy in love" or "immediate soulmates" kind of stuff. Normal relationships develop more slowly. This early stage is called "love bombing." You are being idealized, and it feels incredible, doesn't it? She makes you feel like the best man on the planet. after a couple of months she git a bit funny got really d at me for reasons I can't remember (probably made no sense) and blocked me for a month Red flag number two: blocking aka the silent treatment. Silent treatment is a tactic to wear you down, make you question yourself, and eventually submit, begging her to say something. I decided to go and meet her, she was nervous but everything was amazing, we were so crazy for each other everything was exciting Love bombing. Recently she's been a bit funny getting anfry at me for the most unbelievable reasons ever. Red flag number three: does she come from an abusive childhood? If so she may have abandonment issues which manifest in adult relationships like this: The more she loves you, the more she worries you will leave her, so she will turn on you, drive you to the point of anger so she can tell herself YOU are now the bad guy and NOW she can go to her Plan B aka some guy she has waiting on the side because it means she's not gonna be abandoned. It's a vicious response to normal people like us. Been there, done that, got the prayer shawl. she thinks we should break up. That same night and the night after she was more loving than ever Red flag number four: this is another manipulative technique called push/pull. It's designed to keep you confused and off your feet, bewildered, confused. She tells me she wants to break up, she loves me so much Red flag number five: contradictory statements and actions aka "actions speak louder than words." we will make it happen no matter what. Red flag number six: trauma-bonding. The logic is you've both been thru SO much together, you are destined to stay together (see love-bombing) because you share this deep, crappy bond. why give up on it this easily all of a sudden ? Now she also has a pretty bad mental state but I still dont inderstand this reasoning. Red flag number seven: this is known as the "discard." She has decided, for now, to dump you in order to be with the guy she's been grooming, the one she justifies by provoking you into being a bad boyfriend by responding in anger or even just questioning her at all. still wants to be connected on any social media, also wants to pretend to people we're still together so she doesn't get harrased Red flag number eight: the old "can't we still be friends?" routine. What this really means is she's not sure about the new guy she's with, so she wants to keep you waiting on the side. It's all about her need to stay connected to you in some way. What will happen is you will see pics of her and her new guy and you'll sink into sadness and despair. Then she will use pics of you to triangulate her new guy, triggering him to anger, justifying in her mind him being a jerk, and her finding the next supply. Could you imagine living like that? People do. Orrrr do I just cut all contact and get over this ? Yay! No red flag here, just the, oh, no big deal NUMBER ONE ABSOLUTE ONLY THING THAT WILL EVER SET YOUR SOUL FREE. Yes to cutting all contact, all of it, all day every day all the way. They feed on attention aka supply. She's a druggie and you're the ziplock baggie filled with her favorite high -- your attention, good or bad, just never indifferent. Cut the dope fiend off completely. And, sadly, you will likely not just "get over this". I learned all of the above via a ten year course in advanced-level Cluster B personality disordered relationships. By the end I'd felt I'd lost my soul, my passion and worst of all my sense of masculinity. I took a lot of crap, you see. I'm 16 months completely out of the relationship and life is immeasurably better. Understanding Cluster B personality traits and behaviors helped me piece the whole bewildering experience together. I get it now. I got played. The ironic wonderfulness of it all is my ex painstakingly taught me every weakness I needed to address to become the man I should have always been, one with the self-respect to leave an abusive relationship rather than rationalize reasons for staying. Life kicks ass now and I'm having a blast being single. Please Google it, and give yourself a good day or three to really study the stuff. Info is online everywhere. Wishing you the best, and I hope she gets help down the line. These types rarely change and certainly not because you want them to.
Bromeo Posted December 14, 2016 Posted December 14, 2016 Committed, I most definitely wish I had known most of this guidance during my most recent dirty bomb of a breakup. Would you mind taking a review of my thread, and see if any your decade of experience can make sense of it? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/603033-bromeo-needs-vent OP, if committed is correct, this will probably be one of the most painful things you experience. It was for me. Mine disappeared and came back three times in 18 months, blamed, mirrored, idealized, the works. It was the most acute emotional experience of my life. You must have an amazing amount of intestinal fortitude and mental stability to continue such relationship. I did not, finally went NC for good, and snapped myself out of my depression a couple weeks back. The issue for the non disordered partner is the lack of clear communication, and being left in limbo. The push/pull behavior will literally drive you insane. Listen to the good people here. They have a range of experiences and feelings about issues. Looking back now, and at your situation, please do not make the same mistakes I did. Mine left some deep scars on me. Cut contact, leave her alone, heal, work on yourself, mourn, and move on. Best part of my story? I just saw mine was stalking my FB page. Funny how things come full circle. The irony is I'm over her.
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