Why do people lie and lead others on and cheat

December 12, 2016

I don't get it!! Why do people cheat! Why!!! Why can't you just face the problem head on and talk about it??

Why do people walk away from relationships where the other person was nothing but amazing!!! Why don't people fight for what they want! Why walk away from something that loves you even if you've lost interest TALK ABOUT IT!!! don't leave someone that loves you if they treat you amazing!? I don't get it

I've had a boyfriend do that to me in the past and it baffles me why people do this, in my case awhile back I loved a guy so much I was amazing to him loved him with all my heart and put my all in the relationship without being clingy! All to get nothing in return but laziness who puts no effort to save the relationship but rather walk away. To this day hay still baffles me, I've realized that guy wasn't nearly as great as I thought he was if he has to tell me he loves me and that I'm the one and so amazing then suddenly just flake and bail on me in the relationship once it actually starts to take work.

I don't get people I really dont

December 12, 2016

I don't get it!! Why do people cheat! Why!!! *Why can't you just face the problem head on and talk about it??

*There's no problem to solve.

They don't cheat because there's a problem.

They cheat because they want to cheat.

Take care.

December 12, 2016

People often cheat because they like cheating. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with their SO or their primary relationship.

An opportunity presents itself and they take it. They get a high from cheating, it boosts their ego, it is exciting, the frisson of an illicit affair is intoxicating, it transports them from the "boredom" of their normal life to a better more "interesting" place.

The love of one man or woman is not enough for the cheater, they need to know they are attractive to other people too.

December 12, 2016

People often cheat because they like cheating. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with their SO or their primary relationship.
An opportunity presents itself and they take it. They get a high from cheating, it boosts their ego, it is exciting, the frisson of an illicit affair is intoxicating, it transports them from the "boredom" of their normal life to a better more "interesting" place.

The love of one man or woman is not enough for the cheater, they need to know they are attractive to other people too.

And thank you so much for answering the question that actually helped me out! Thanks you.

December 12, 2016

I've met loads of cheaters in my life. They don't do it because there's a problem. Just because they want to. Most of them are quite happy in their primary relationship and don't want to ruin that/lose it. They very very rarely leave the relationship for someone they cheated with.

December 12, 2016

Simple answer is that cheaters like to cheat. Our digital age also helps to expedite this, make it easier. Our society has a very consumer-driven psyche and disposing of something and replacing it is easy for many.

Realistically and many ways, infortunately, the way you treat someone may have little to do with whether someone will stay or go. Treat them adoringly and such people will find a reasons to leave/cheat. Perhaps you got less attractive....great personality, loving, but you 'put on that unattractive weight.' OR you treat her/him like crap, but seems to have some emotional hold and he/she stays.

Hard to say. It should also be said that our perception of what was wonderful may not have been the other's....

December 13, 2016

Simple answer is that cheaters like to cheat. Our digital age also helps to expedite this, make it easier. Our society has a very consumer-driven psyche and disposing of something and replacing it is easy for many.

Realistically and many ways, infortunately, the way you treat someone may have little to do with whether someone will stay or go. Treat them adoringly and such people will find a reasons to leave/cheat. Perhaps you got less attractive....great personality, loving, but you 'put on that unattractive weight.' OR you treat her/him like crap, but seems to have some emotional hold and he/she stays.

Hard to say. It should also be said that our perception of what was wonderful may not have been the other's....

That definetly makes a lot of sense!! I was so annoyed in my previous posting because my friend just got cheated on and she's so upset and it saddens me so much that someone could do that, it's just wrong

Edited December 13, 2016 by Purplexsparklesxx

December 13, 2016

I don't think there's one real reason why someone cheats, but many different ones.

I always considered myself to be a moral person with good boundaries who would never ever under circumstances cheat. And that it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner cheated.

I find myself in a situation where things have been very difficult with my husband for some time, I clicked with someone going through a similar time and WHAM there it is. I've gone from being an honourable person who had a great deal of respect for my husband to a lying cheat. It was only a kiss and I have told my husband but Im ashamed of myself and conflicted about my feelings. I never ever imagined I would be in this situation.

I'm doing my best to extract myself from this situation but I'm finding it hard to come to terms with this person I have become.

December 13, 2016

Because people aren't perfect - they have flaws - they make mistakes - they give into temptation - their sex lives \ relationship get stale or go through hard times and the intrigue of someone new is appealing. The list of reason's why people might cheat is endless but essentially it comes down to one simple reason which is human weakness.

I've made mistakes - and its through this process we learn and hopefully develop ourselves further. It sucks to be on the wrong end of a cheating partner but there is an emotional development and resilience we can build through that process as well. Pain can be an incredible teacher if we let it.

At the end of the day when faced with this situation - its not about what happened to you - its about what are you going to do about it ? Are you going to be bitter twisted and cry over split milk, are you going to lower yourself to their level and seek revenge or are you going to take it on the chin, dust yourself off and be smarter, wiser and better next time around.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 13, 2016

Because they can and want to. It's just that simple.

But , they rarely leave their primary relationship. They usually have no conscience. They do have lots of justifications and self pity. It's an addiction for some.

December 13, 2016

I don't condone the acts of a cheater, a deceitful and promiscuous person who also adheres to a relationship with someone at all.

It's plain and simple. You feel the need to give into temptation for whatever absurd reason? end what you currently have with someone. 9 times out of 10 the person committing the foulness tries to act innocent, or they show no mercy, no empathy.

People can claim it's in 'the heat of the moment' or 'I was so confused', 'I gave in to my temptations', no. You have a choice, you are not obliged to cheat and lie afterwards. You have a choice to pursue another person. You have a choice to be honest with another person.

Pitiful. Nothing more.

December 13, 2016

I've gone from being an honourable person who had a great deal of respect for my husband to a lying cheat. It was only a kiss and I have told my husband but Im ashamed of myself and conflicted about my feelings. I never ever imagined I would be in this situation.

I'm doing my best to extract myself from this situation but I'm finding it hard to come to terms with this person I have become.

I think life is a test of our character - and its a marathon not a sprint. Its easy to say at the beginning that we are honourable or a good person when we have not been put through the grind of life and have not yet made any mistakes. But were we truly honourable - or had our character simply not been fully tested yet ?

There are times in everyone's life when we give into a moment of weakness and we can look at these mistakes in different ways:

- We could see it as proof we are a terrible person - or proof that we have gone backwards and "become" a bad or dishonorable person. That we are less then we previously were.

- Or we can see life as a process of revealing some of our hidden flaws so we can work on them and polish them out. The flaw's were always there and a part of us - it was just a matter of applying the right type of pressures to reveal them. Thus you have not become a terrible person - but merely learnt that there is a small weakness that needs to be worked on.

By correcting them - you can emerge a much stronger, more honourable person then the one who started the journey. Who if placed in the same circumstances again would not make the same mistake. This I feel is what life is all about. A continual and evolving process of facing circumstance, reacting and then learning about ourselves from our successes and mistakes and striving to be better.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 13, 2016

I think life is a test of our character - and its a marathon not a sprint. Its easy to say at the beginning that we are honourable or a good person when we have not been put through the grind of life and have not yet made any mistakes. But were we truly honourable - or had our character simply not been fully tested yet ?

There are times in everyone's life when we give into a moment of weakness and we can look at these mistakes in different ways:

- We could see it as proof we are a terrible person - or proof that we have gone backwards and "become" a bad or dishonorable person. That we are less then we previously were.
- Or we can see life as a process of revealing some of our hidden flaws so we can work on them and polish them out. The flaw's were always there and a part of us - it was just a matter of applying the right type of pressures to reveal them. Thus you have not become a terrible person - but merely learnt that there is a weakness that needs to be worked on.

By correcting them - you can emerge a much stronger, more honourable person then the one who started the journey. Who if placed in the same circumstances again would not make the same mistake. This I feel is what life is all about. A continual process of learning from our mistakes and striving to be better.

In theory it's great but not for the person who is on the receiving end of a cheater. It's their LIFE that the cheater plays with. They don't have ANY right to do that.

It's NOT a mistake. That's putting it very mildly. I can bet money on it that if the cheater themselves get cheated on , all hell will break lose.

December 13, 2016

In theory it's great but not for the person who is on the receiving end of a cheater. It's their LIFE that the cheater plays with. They don't have ANY right to do that.

It's NOT a mistake. That's putting it very mildly. I can bet money on it that if the cheater themselves get cheated on , all hell will break lose.

I agree that the circumstances for the one cheated on rather then doing the cheating are different. (I also say this from personal experience as a man who caught his wife cheating.) But for me the exact same logic applies.

Finding out someone you cared about deeply has betrayed you and hurt you deeply - is another test of your character and another opportunity for development. Its easy to be honorable when others treat you well and are faithful - but what will you do when someone is not faithful and betrays you? How will you react then ? How will you behave - will you still be an honorable person - or does that no longer apply ?

Will you instead lower yourself to their level - will you seek to hurt them or get revenge ? Are you too weak - will you crumble and fall apart ? Will you lash out at others around you or lose yourself in meaningless sex and mistreat other people as a result of your own pain ? Will you find the strength to move on peacefully or perhaps, if your partner shows contrition, even the compassion to forgive. These are all options.

It may not have been their mistake that caused the situation - but this is how life works. Not everything is within our control. The aftermath of the situation provides a test of character for the person who was cheated on perhaps even more so then the person who cheated.

Its never about what happened to you. The real and important question is always what are you going to do about it ? How will you face this challenge - what are you REALLY made of when pressure is applied ?

Edited December 13, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 13, 2016

All cheated on people react and deal differently and that's what makes everyone unique. The cheaters usually get away easy with not much improvement in their self. It's the cheated on who usually develop and become stronger. It takes time but mostly, I have seen , they become resilient and tougher than before. Doesn't have the same affect on cheaters.

To forgive is THE greatest strength that the forgiven never has.

Anyway, I feel that cheaters are weak people who usually remain weak in spite of having muscles ,6 pack or a boob job under the knife.

ETA don't know how 'unique ' went on top !

December 13, 2016

All cheated on people react and deal differently and that's what makes everyone unique. The cheaters usually get away easy with not much improvement in their self. It's the cheated on who usually develop and become stronger. It takes time but mostly, I have seen , they become resilient and tougher than before. Doesn't have the same affect on cheaters.

To forgive is THE greatest strength that the forgiven never has.

Anyway, I feel that cheaters are weak people who usually remain weak in spite of having muscles ,6 pack or a boob job under the knife.

ETA don't know how 'unique ' went on top !

I think on both sides of the coin it really depends. I think most cheaters react differently as well. Plus I have seen people who were cheated on completely fall apart and go crazy - go as far as trying to assault or kill their ex partner ending up in jail.

Then I've seen people who cheated get deeply deeply effected by their own actions - sometimes quite a time after it happened - and really work on themselves to try to make amends or improve both themselves and sometimes also the relationship they were in. For some cheaters the remorse is delayed .... they might initially try to blame the ex parter at first or perhaps just get swept up in a new relationship and minimize what happened but when that wears off for many people there is a deep regret, soul searching and improvement process they go through.

The one cheated on has to grapple with forgiving the cheater - the cheater has to grapple with forgiving themselves. If they truly are remorseful then that can take a pretty heavy toll.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 13, 2016

IRL, I've seen very few truely remorseful. Even if they are remorseful it's only to get forgiveness from an angry partner , to be able to move forward on a clean slate. But old patterns reemerge.

It's going off thread. But I personally feel no sympathy for a cheater, no matter their reasons. They deserve what they get later.

December 13, 2016

*Sigh* It's a question that I really would like an answer as well. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the answer is very complex.

Difference in personalities, beliefs, morals and values play a big role in this question. Being in LS for quite some time helped me arrive in this realization. Love is a complex thing. Some people love shallowly, some people love deeply. And the sad fact is, if you really want to have a relationship, you really have to try many times before you find the right one.... but finding the right one isn't a guarantee.

In my case, I gave up. Turning 27 in a a month, I know I am too young to give up. But I have experienced emotional pain numerous times. Betrayal of a family, friends, 2 unrequited loves.... and what I have realized is the fact that I am no longer comfortable loving anyone deeply. I don't like the idea that my mood and feelings depend on someone else's actions. No more. It's time to focus on myself and my well-being

December 13, 2016

I have found that people who usually cheat have the habit of going outside of the relationship to handle their issues (i.e., drinking, drugs, stripping, etc.) rather than turn within for support.

December 14, 2016

I have found that people who usually cheat have the habit of going outside of the relationship to handle their issues (i.e., drinking, drugs, stripping, etc.) rather than turn within for support.

Not always - I think thats a bit cliche - their are particular habitual cheaters or addictive personalities that are like that but most are relatively normal people.

I think the common trend you see these days from both sexes - but from my observations women cheating in particular - is they normally have no history of going outside the relationship. It tends to happen when they reach middle age and enter their 30's and 40's - they have been in a LTR for some time and it has gotten a bit stale. Previously these women would always have declared themselves to be honourable and never cheat. But like I said life is long.

When people are 5 - 10 -15 years years into a LTR intimacy tends to drop off. Life gets repetitive, people get bored. But people have strong attachments to their partner both emotional and physical (Car, Money, House, Kids). People want something new but aren't willing to let go of or leave the strong attachments they have with their partner and so things happen.

This is what I mean when I say life is test. For most people it's easy to be faithful and honourable in the beginning when things are fresh and new. But what about in 10 years time when your partner has maybe been working too much to try and setup a life for you and you feel a bit neglected, maybe they have put on a bit of weight not quite as attractive as they used to be, maybe the kids are bothering you and your both too stressed for sex or romance. Then the cool single guy from work makes a pass at you one night after you have had a couple of drinks.

That's when character is tested and from my experience this is how most cheating happens these days.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 14, 2016

Not always - I think thats a bit cliche - their are particular habitual cheaters or addictive personalities that are like that but most are relatively normal people.

I think the common trend you see these days from both sexes - but from my observations women cheating in particular - is they normally have no history of going outside the relationship. It tends to happen when they reach middle age and enter their 30's and 40's - they have been in a LTR for some time and it has gotten a bit stale. Previously these women would always have declared themselves to be honourable and never cheat. But like I said life is long.

When people are 5 - 10 -15 years years into a LTR intimacy tends to drop off. Life gets repetitive, people get bored. But people have strong attachments to their partner both emotional and physical (Car, Money, House, Kids). People want something new but aren't willing to let go of or leave the strong attachments they have with their partner and so things happen.

This is what I mean when I say life is test. For most people it's easy to be faithful and honourable in the beginning when things are fresh and new. But what about in 10 years time when your partner has maybe been working too much to try and setup a life for you and you feel a bit neglected, maybe they have put on a bit of weight not quite as attractive as they used to be, maybe the kids are bothering you and your both too stressed for sex or romance. Then the cool single guy from work makes a pass at you one night after you have had a couple of drinks.

That's when character is tested and from my experience this is how most cheating happens these days.

I guess the key word in all of this is '' character ''.

There are many other ways to get through a rough patch in a relationship. People who take the affair route are weak and low in character. The BS , the loyal ,honest , faithful have to deal with the aftermath. Why ? Some are resilient while some aren't.

If they are unhappy in the relationship, either fix it or get off.

How do these cheaters face their kids ?

December 14, 2016

I guess the key word in all of this is '' character ''.

There are many other ways to get through a rough patch in a relationship. People who take the affair route are weak and low in character. The BS , the loyal ,honest , faithful have to deal with the aftermath. Why ? Some are resilient while some aren't.

If they are unhappy in the relationship, either fix it or get off.

How do these cheaters face their kids ?

Well I agree its never the right thing to do, there are definitely better solutions and character is key ..... but character is an ongoing thing. Even after you make a mistake - your character is still being tested as to how you will react.

Also its easy to say one person is bad and the other good but perhaps if the circumstances were reversed the one cheated on would have done the same thing. Who knows ? Life is a test of character and we are also tested at different times and in different ways. Never judge till you walk in their shoes. I'm definitely not defending the cheaters actions - I don't think its ever the right thing to do - but things are never black and white.

Humans are all a work in progress - I know I still have many flaws - and whilst it would be wonderful to say all cheaters are horrible evil people and the one cheated on are perfect innocent angels - life is never that simple. I've known people who cheated - and for most they are decent people who made a mistake and gave in during a moment of weakness. Most I've seen are not clearly low in character.

December 14, 2016

IRL, I've seen very few truely remorseful. Even if they are remorseful it's only to get forgiveness from an angry partner , to be able to move forward on a clean slate. But old patterns reemerge.

I had a situation where I didn't cheat on a partner, it was something I was totally against - but when I got together with my ex wife she was with another man. I didn't know this at first - we had got together at a work party and gone on a few dates before I found out she was in a long term relationship. I'm pretty certain nothing would have happened if I knew she had a boyfriend to begin with. But I did eventually find out and because I had started to feel very strongly for her I compromised my morals and continued seeing her whilst she was living with another man and eventually after a couple of months she broke up with him and we got together. It was a very messy situation I'm not at all proud of.

Fast forward 6 years and essentially the same thing happened to me. Kind of a perfect example of karma. Now the old addage if she will cheat with you she will cheat on you obviously applies and my situation is probably slightly different to others who maybe didn't have a similar beginning but it was a massive learning process for me.

Whilst I had never cheated on a partner - I was the OM in an affair. Whilst I knew this was wrong I was weak. I made compromises to my morals because I felt strongly for the girl. Initially I simply tried to push the effect this had on the guy out of my mind .... but 6 years later I was forced to live these myself. Karma. Certainly I learnt a lot from this situation and I have a deep regret and sadness for what I imposed on that guy as I know it affected him deeply and I can't undo that.

But if you placed the me from today in that same situation I would act completely differently. If you took the me from 10 years ago who had never done something like that before I would most likely do the exact same thing again because I had never learned that hard lesson. I had never fixed that weakness in my character. Perhaps I am naive but I tend to believe thing happen for a reason - if bad things happen its normally because there is an area we need to work on.

Sometimes to improve we have to make mistakes to see where its needed. Am I more or less moral and honorable today after making that mistake and learning from it ...... or was I more moral 10 years ago before it ever happened but also before I had really been tested ?

Edited December 14, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

December 14, 2016

IRL, I've seen very few truely remorseful.
Even if they are remorseful it's only to get forgiveness from an angry partner , to be able to move forward on a clean slate.

That is because for most cheating is fun, they liked doing it, they wanted to do it.

They may not have enjoyed getting caught and the fall out, and they may be "sorry" for their actions but as for the "truly, truly, deeply" sorry that is needed for "remorse", I guess not.

December 14, 2016

Reconciliations only work when you have a WS "desperate" to be forgiven and a BS "desperate" to forgive.

I am not sure if "true remorse" is really needed.

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Why do people lie and lead others on and cheat

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