ConfusedWit Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Sorry for the long post but context felt important! Nearly 3 weeks ago, the guy I was regularly dating changed his mind (seemingly) out of the blue. We'd been dating since July and despite a confusing blip, I thought things were going very well. To add some context - We took things very slowly, having agreed to do so mutually. I hadn't dated anyone in a long time before him. He'd dated a few women for a couple of months, but nothing serious for a couple of years (4 year LDR in that case, and the last person he'd slept with). Him - 33, me 31. Our work schedules meant we saw each other every 10 days or so. Sometimes, every couple of weeks. We didn't even kiss until the start of September. After an almost day long date at his place, he kissed me goodbye. I'd always been a bit wary of making the first move. Partly out of being so practice, and partly because he has a number of serious food allergies that made me rightly or wrongly paranoid about kissing him unexpectedly. At the end of that same date, he suggested going to the cinema the week after and all seemed well enough. We didn't see each other again until mid October as he kept being 'busy' with family stuff as well as trying to buy his first house. He works weird shifts and kept lamenting to me via text how stressful life was, so I trusted him. At one point, while a little concerned, I asked him if 'we' were ok and told him it was ok to be truthful as I'd rather know if there was a problem now rather than later. He said everything was fine, and apologised for being lousy. We carried on texting regularly, then one night out of the blue, he ended up going to the cinema with my mother and I. The first time they'd met. Everyone got on great. A few days later, we had a drunken text conversation that turned very flirty and suggestive. It was my birthday the next day (he'd only found out that night) so he suggested meeting up a few days later. All seemed well, then the night before that date, I texted him to ask what time and he explained he'd forgotten all about it and couldn't make it. Again - profuse apologies. Alarm bells were ringing here, but he kept texting a lot over the coming days and apologising any time he got the chance. By now, it's the end of October. We're still texting a fair amount. He's keeping me in the loop about his house move and how the buyer was messing him about, his work was being difficult, and how he was incredibly stressed. He still seemed interested. Always keen to find out more about my day, learn things about me and my family etc. He also still remembered plenty of details about my life anyway, so I stayed patient about things. One evening, I texted him and he'd texted that his phone was dying because he'd dropped something on the screen and wrecked it. He asked me what my Facebook details were so he could add me on there instead. In the past, we'd talked about how we were both very private about adding people to FB, so it felt like a big deal. I sent him the link, he thanked me and said that the house move was finally going through, then I didn't hear anything more. A couple of days later, I tried texting him and the message didn't go through. I figured his phone had broken, but was annoyed that he hadn't added me to FB. I ended up finding him on there and a couple of days later, he added me back. We exchanged a couple of messages over the space of a few days (him stating that he doesn't use FB much and that he was in the middle of moving at last), then nothing. I was worried he'd 'vanished' on me by now but figured why add me to FB? And his FB is very quiet, has few friends on it, and seems to be mostly close friends and family. Two weeks after his phone dies, he reappears, apologises, says his phone is fixed, and he's finally moved house. He invites me over to see it. In the intervening days, we text every day. It's like it was before he turned distant. I go over to his new place and have a great time. He cooks for me. We watch some movies. He gets his guitar out and sings numerous songs to me (mostly romantic songs). We spend the whole time effectively snuggled on the sofa together. I hold his hand for a bit. It's really innocent stuff but much more intimate than it ever was before as we're pretty much constantly touching. I have plenty of male friends and I wouldn't act like that with any platonic friend. It feels very romantic. We're talking about ideas of what to do or where to go in the future etc. He tells me some stuff about his childhood and other private things. I talk to him about some big work stuff. He surprises me by remembering some fairly obscure things I'd told him a while back. I'm there 7 hours and only leave because it's getting late and I say I'd better go. He acts like he'd be fine to watch another movie. We briefly kiss goodbye and I leave. The next few days, we keep texting each day (way more so than before). Late Saturday night, I text him something about how much I liked his guitar playing and how extra attractive it made him. He texts me Sunday to say that was very kind of me to say, then asks me to the cinema that night. In between those texts and seeing him, I notice he's finally read some private messages I'd sent him on FB a few weeks back. Back when I thought he'd vanished, I'd messaged him on there to see how he was and suggesting I could help him with some DIY. When I hadn't heard for a couple of days on there, I sent him over my phone number in case he had a different phone while the old one was being repaired. We meet up and have a seemingly great time at the cinema. We don't stop talking around the movie, and I drop him home afterwards. I ask him a question about when it's ok to kiss him (relating to the allergies) as I'd been eating some food he's allergic to earlier in the day. He explains it should all be fine but then hugs me goodbye, citing he'd had to vomit earlier (just before the movie - it's to do with other health issues of his. He was somewhat sheepish about it all at the time). We continue texting for a few days. Wednesday afternoon, I suggest cooking for him Thursday night as he'd mentioned last week he was free then. He texts a few hours later to explain that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me and that he wants me to know his intentions and that he'd still really like to be friends because he thinks I'm great. I have no idea what to say and question what happened or changed. He says it's 'just a feeling' he has, and again says he'd like to be friends if that's ok with me, and that I should never change for anyone. I make some lame remark about how if that's what he's feeling, that's what he's feeling. By Friday, I've thought about it and text him to ask why he was so cuddly and romantic the week before, when now he's not feeling it. He repeats that he just doesn't want a romantic relationship and that's all there is to it. I tell him I feel rather led on by everything. He apologises that I feel that way and says it wasn't his intention to do that. I didn't know what to say so I haven't texted him in the two and a half weeks since then. Our only form of contact is that he 'liked' my FB post about the major work thing I'd discussed with him, finally coming through. It was 2 days after I posted it, so I'm assuming he specifically looked me up on there. I guess I'm just confused as to what happened. Not that I'm expecting to ever know. I do feel led on although I'm sort of confused as to what his 'plan' was as it's not like he was trying to sleep with me or anything more than cuddle and kiss really. I do wish he'd communicated better, though.
Philosoraptor Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 How much do you know about where he was while distant? Sounds to me like there is another woman in his life who he considered his plan A, whilst you were plan B. Sounds like plan A is moving forward so he's backing off of you. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he is suddenly open to more with you if things start to go not as planned with the other woman. Of course this is all speculative as we have very little to go on. If there is no one else in his life he may just not be interested in anything serious with you. Either way, he's told you what he wants. You can either accept it and be friends, or not and move along somewhere else. Nothing to be gained by wondering why he's not interested, the fact is he's not interested. 1
spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 He's been a bit erratic all along so probably had other things going on, maybe other women he was getting to know too. Regardless of whether he wants a relationship with you or not, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy you need. Don't you need someone consistent and reliable?
Author ConfusedWit Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) How much do you know about where he was while distant? Sounds to me like there is another woman in his life who he considered his plan A, whilst you were plan B. Sounds like plan A is moving forward so he's backing off of you. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he is suddenly open to more with you if things start to go not as planned with the other woman. Of course this is all speculative as we have very little to go on. If there is no one else in his life he may just not be interested in anything serious with you. Either way, he's told you what he wants. You can either accept it and be friends, or not and move along somewhere else. Nothing to be gained by wondering why he's not interested, the fact is he's not interested. He's been a bit erratic all along so probably had other things going on, maybe other women he was getting to know too. Regardless of whether he wants a relationship with you or not, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy you need. Don't you need someone consistent and reliable? Fairly confident there isn't someone else. Obviously, can't guarantee these things but I don't think it would quite add up. He expressed some very strong views on what he thought of people that cheated, as well as told me he was concerned his ex had cheated on him but never knew for sure. Sure, he could have been bluffing it but my gut says no. He really didn't give off 'player' vibes at all. Instead, he just seemed rather insecure at times. Would often be worried about whether he was too forthright with his opinions (he wasn't), and be insecure about his looks. Also, he'd lament his working hours as screwing up him ever having much of a social life. If anything, he seemed a bit of a loner. He seemed genuine about being friends and I think that'd be pretty stupid of him if he was seeing someone else as I'd join the dots pretty fast and it wouldn't go well. And yes, I'm all for needing someone more consistent and reliable! But I figure it's natural to wonder for a short time what happened. Means I can learn for the future. (oh, and I know his phone was definitely broken and not some weird cover story!) Edited December 12, 2016 by ConfusedWit
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