Broken up with and my journey

[whatdeww18]

Hi all,

I've been finding that expressing myself online is really helping me cope with this break up. So I was in a relationship for about 2 years and 10 months. It was full of love and the normal downs. He said he was falling out of love. But he never told me what the reasons were truly. He had parts of the grass is greener as well as the consequences of my smothering and controlling behavior. I was cheated on in my previous relationship and took that out on him... That was my fault. So when he broke up with me I immediately started analyzing my relationship with him and saw all my faults. He never told me his feelings but kept it to himself. And he has told me that was his fault for not telling me. However, things are said and done. I have to live with what I did. I did beg and plead when he broke up but stopped there and moved on.

 

He threw some bread crumbs in messages about 2 weeks after we broke up. He wanted to talk. We had a normal conversation. But by the end of it, I told him that I can't talk to him anymore. It hurts and he's only giving me false hope. He agreed and respected it. However, I asked what his exact reasons were and it was that he felt suffocated in the relationship and now he feels better going out and doing what he wants without the need or uncomfortable feeling of having to tell me. It hurt because I regret having him feel that way from the things I said (I do have some say because he had a previous flame try to sleep over his place without telling me and such...) Either way, I was still too controlling, etc... So I told him that I needed a firm response whether he wanted to call it quits so that I could move on or work on my feelings of the "one" getting away. And he said in a couple months, if no one else is in the picture, he would be willing to give us another go. Of course, I am ecstatic, BUT I am not going to hold him to it. I think the only reason he saw a chance was in the 3 weeks of NC after the break up, I've been analyzing my faults, apologizing for the things I had done, and significantly changing myself. Been working out (I'm a stick but taking better care of myself), actually listening to him and asking questions which took him off guard, and quitting bad habits like gaming and smoking cigarettes). Like they say, actions speak louder than words.

 

I think it was a partial mistake asking him to help me move on. This is something we dumpees have to figure out ourselves. And the more I think about it, I am moving on but would be willing to give it another try in a couple months as well. That doesn't mean I won't be dating in the meantime. I am still analyzing our relationship and the things that we could have done better. And I will be truly happy for him if he finds someone better that isn't so controlling. But I am hoping that I will be able to be that person for him.

 

As dumpees, we have to realize the dumper had chances to fix the relationship and we can't be putting them on a pedestal and only want them. But we all make mistakes, and I feel like I am willing to forgive him for walking away, I am willing to own up to my mistakes, and not wait for him but give it a chance. I'll be posting updates of how things go, but T-minus two months and a week. Haha good luck everyone and let's get through break ups together.

 

P.S. not looking for advice but just posting my journey to help me cope I'm growing and slowly taking back my life. WE GOT THIS! (He's 25 and I'm 23)

Edited December 12, 2016 by whatdeww18

[whatdeww18]

Ah forgot to put the part:

We had talked and he made some friends and I assume it was a date, but he said not to take this as a ray of hope... But "I'm hard to follow up after." Said that he hasn't been able to meet anyone better.

Of course, this is because we've been together for a while and getting that connection takes time with people.

But as a side note for you fellow dumpees, make your relationships full of love and make your partner know they are amazing, hot, and all that yummy stuff, and take care of yourself looks-wise. That way, when they do go date, they can say this to you hehe

 

WE SHALL GET THROUGH THIS!

[whatdeww18]

I actually do have a quick question though.

My guy is a sensitive one and he told me when we broke up, that he didn't get those small, random gifts to feel appreciated. I do realize now he sent me a lot more than I did to him.

So my question is: Would you appreciate a small, somewhat meaningful care package with a friendly note (not about reconciliation just good luck with an exam) as the dumper who felt suffocated in the relationship? We broke up amicably and there are no hard feelings from what I gauged when we last spoke. Also, I don't plan on doing this too soon as the break up was 3 weeks ago. Was thinking maybe early next month, would be 6 weeks post break up.

 

Sorry for the constant messages, but I'm not fully healed and still hold quite a bit of guilt and regret over my mistakes. But I do believe he is the "one" quality. Just want to show that I am listening to the things he said, am working on improving myself whether he wants to get back together or not. Or do you think this is stupid and I should just leave him be and give him his space? Please, guide me with all your wise words, and experience, because I'm more confused than a teen given a crying baby...

[breakupthrowaway663]

I feel like he should have communicated to you any toxic behavior that was bothering him. It takes two to tango.

 

You're in the phase I go into where I introspect. While it can be healthy at first, don't let it eat you alive. Get him off his pedestal.

 

"Said that he hasn't been able to meet anyone better. "

 

Ouch, that's a horrible thing to have to hear. Do you really want to be someone's plan B? Someone's soft spot to land? I know it's hard after a 3 year relationship. All you want is them back in your arms. But realize what you're allowing him to do here. What's going to stop him from trying to find someone better while in a relationship with you as well? This guy is showing a clear lack of respect.

 

he didn't get those small, random gifts to feel appreciated

 

Uh, what? That's crazy talk. Small random gifts aren't what make a relationship and a bond a good one. Sure, they are nice and they enhance an already great relationship. But sending care packages every season isn't going to be the make or break a relationship.

 

He's being unfair to you, and he's pushing your boundaries as far as he can.

 

 

If you really want this guy back, abandon him. Go no contact. As a guy, we have less options. We are far more easily made alone. Cutting your strings which you claim are smothering will make him turn inward and question his decisions. Let him keep talking to you and he'll keep you around for support while he grabs at other tree branches.

[whatdeww18]

You're right, I think I am still a little too early in the break up to be seeing things more objectively.... I have and will remain no contact that's for sure. But I'm guessing that's a good reason to not send the care package. Will keep that in mind and definitely need some opposing opinions haha.

 

And as for the plan B thing, I agree. I immediately saw it and was kinda like eh, if you're going around to see if there's better then so be it. But this is where I guess my behavior and mind clash where it's like I made a mistake and should I try and make up for it vs I am not going for second best....

 

Thanks for your advice though

[Karousi]

wow i just saw ur post, i didn't realize you were going through some things yourself. if you want you could add me on Facebook right now. i would really love to talk with you there and get ur advice on some things

 

my fb is joseph karousii. i go to university of guelph

[whatdeww18]

O I don't think you should publicize your name and personal information online, don't want to get spam. I will try to find if there is a feature for private messages or something on here

[whatdeww18]

Wow so looking back, I can tell you I am moving along in my journey to heal from the break up. Just wanted to post an update to those of you who are hurting, still hurting, or newly hurt.

 

It's been a little over a month since the break up and 2 weeks of no contact. As you can tell from my previous posts, I got into contact with the ex after the break up. Just been seriously looking back upon all the reasons for the break up, and I have to admit, I wasn't the best partner but not the worst. I always let my ex know that I loved him, maybe too much, but there was never any controlling behavior or abuse. We did have a few arguments where I said a few things I was not proud of but you live and learn from arguments. So I am at a place where I do regret some of the things done in the relationship, but overall, I was a very loving partner and always tried my best to support my ex.

 

There are things that my ex did that I find it hard to accept my ex back. In the beginning, as you can see, all I wanted was a reconciliation. Now, after reading so many posts and hoping that my ex misses me enough to reconcile, I find that ex's stay ex's for a reason really truthful.

 

I guess this is where time and forgiveness come into play. I have forgiven, but not forgotten what has happened. I have read that many people harden their hearts to ex's and find that is exactly what is happening. I see why so many dumpees are not willing to reconcile in the future. You harden your heart in your quest to heal and with time, your feelings for your ex die down. It's not like I hate him.

 

Who knows where my heart will be in another month, but as you can see from the progression of my posts, I have gone from a desperate ex that sought reconciliation and putting all the blame on myself to seeing more of the whole picture. It takes time and take the necessary precautions to heal. I highly suggest no contact. It's hard, I broke it twice, but it does yourself the world of healing. Let's see where I am in a couple months and wish you all the best of healing!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited December 26, 2016 by whatdeww18