My partner ignores me when we're with friends

[NomiMalone]

Basil67 - I completely agree. We are out to catch up with our friends, not each other. I do view it that way too. I don't actually expect my partner to say a word to me at these dinners. My issue is that he pretends I'm not even there to the point of avoiding eye contact with me, while hamming it up with everyone else.

 

 

When my partner and I go out, he tends to talk with the guests because he wants to catch up with them. I have a choice of joining in or missing out.

 

Yes, it's annoying, but I know it's not to do with me. He can talk to me anytime, but the visitors - not so much.

[salparadise]

But he did later say that he wasn't aware he's doing it, and will try to change. He said that he might not be able to change it instantly, and it might take awhile.

 

This makes me very puzzled. How can something such as showing common courtesy to your own partner be so difficult? Is it perhaps that people who constantly crave attention/validation are addicted to it and need it at all costs? Or does he simply not respect me? (He does not seem to want to break up and made a huge effort to be kind yesterday evening after the talk).

 

It really seems as though the crux of the issue is this - his need to be liked overrides his need to do the right thing by me.

 

I need to think about whether I can live with this in a relationship.

 

 

I believe he's being truthful about being unaware. The motivation is subconscious, and the behavior is somewhat automatic. It's not an overt behavior, it's the absence of a desired behavior.

 

He's both self-conscious and other-focused with respect to the guests. It's not that he doesn't respect you. It's that his primary motivation is how he's being perceived by people other than you, and he just isn't thinking. His attention is focused elsewhere. There is a major-major difference. Of course, there isn't a difference in terms of how it makes you feel. It's more like he forgetting to show courtesy than being overtly disrespectful.

 

So, in your last sentence you indicated that this could be a deal breaker. I think you should tell him that, when you're not angry and not thirty minutes before a social engagement. This doesn't need to escalate to an argument. You're just saying how you feel and expecting him to listen. I wouldn't set the bar to 100% instant turnaround either. I'd hate to see you both lose an otherwise great relationship over something that I believe is fixable.

[NomiMalone]

Gaeta - thank you. Yes, I do speak up confidently at these dinners and I believe I have just as much to offer as the rest of them. I also believe our friends do value what I have to say.

 

I do like the idea of subtly making him aware of his actions - I will definitely remember that if he ever turns his chair around ever again.

 

 

Have you tried to impose yourself?

 

When he turns his chair 90 degrees tell him with love and patience : Honey would you move your chair back a little I cannot see our guest.

 

Do you initiate conversation with the guests? Don't let your bf interrupt you. If he cuts you off put your hand on his arms and say: Honey one moment I am not done my story.

 

I don't like the way your boyfriend treats you. It doesn't matter how sweet he is with you're one on one If he treats you like you're just the tea pot in the middle of the table around guests. I think it's telling of how he views you. You're a thing, a pretty little thing he can just put aside when not needed.

[OatsAndHall]

You broached the subject with him, he apologized and said he would address his behavior. If that isn't a good enough response from him than I honestly don't know what is.

 

His behavior is out of line, for sure. But, he took responsibility for it which is something that a mature, caring adult does. And, to be blunt, there are too few mature, caring adults in this world. I have been in a few relationships where my significant rarely took responsibility for their actions and it was incredibly frustrating and inevitably ended things between the two of us.

Edited May 3, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[NomiMalone]

Thanks again salparadise - your views about his behaviour being "automatic" are very insightful.

 

The last thing I'd want is for him to feel awkward at these engagements as these people are his friends (not mine before I met him). Perhaps for the best - I won't be attending the next get together because I already have plans. I think it'd be healthy (for both of us) for him to go alone this time, so he can just relax when he's there. I'm starting to think that I might just join them every other time.

 

 

 

I believe he's being truthful about being unaware. The motivation is subconscious, and the behavior is somewhat automatic. It's not an overt behavior, it's the absence of a desired behavior.

 

He's both self-conscious and other-focused with respect to the guests. It's not that he doesn't respect you. It's that his primary motivation is how he's being perceived by people other than you, and he just isn't thinking. His attention is focused elsewhere. There is a major-major difference. Of course, there isn't a difference in terms of how it makes you feel. It's more like he forgetting to show courtesy than being overtly disrespectful.

 

So, in your last sentence you indicated that this could be a deal breaker. I think you should tell him that, when you're not angry and not thirty minutes before a social engagement. This doesn't need to escalate to an argument. You're just saying how you feel and expecting him to listen. I wouldn't set the bar to 100% instant turnaround either. I'd hate to see you both lose an otherwise great relationship over something that I believe is fixable.

[NomiMalone]

Oats and Hall - thank you. I really value your perspective. I completely agree that it's important to take responsibility for your own actions. (Actually your post was a good reminder for me to take stock of whether I've taken responsibility for my actions lately in my relationship.) Your experience with those SOs who failed to do this sound frustrating. Sorry to hear you had to deal with it.

 

At the end of the day though, I still need to decide on whether I can live with this sort of behaviour should change fail to occur. Its not a healthy relationship when you no longer enjoy socialising with your partner.

 

 

 

 

You broached the subject with him, he apologized and said he would address his behavior. If that isn't a good enough response from him than I honestly don't know what is.

 

His behavior is out of line, for sure. But, he took responsibility for it which is something that a mature, caring adult does. And, to be blunt, there are too few mature, caring adults in this world. I have been in a few relationships where my significant rarely took responsibility for their actions and it was incredibly frustrating and inevitably ended things between the two of us.