My partner ignores me when we're with friends

[NomiMalone]

We catch up for dinner on a fortnightly basis with a couple who have been friends with my partner for many years. They're approx 10 years older than my partner, and approx 20 years older than I am. They are great people and we all get along very well.

 

I have increasingly noticed that at these dinners, my partner mostly ignores me when he is talking, addressing only the couple, and makes almost zero eye contact with me, like I'm not even there. Last night, as usual, my partner mainly ignored me over the dinner table, and even twice interrupted me whilst I was talking - he talked over me to ask if either of them wanted a drink. I'm not sure whether our friends noticed his behaviour or not. The odd thing is that he would sometimes reach out to hold my hand if we happen to be sitting next to each other, or put an arm around me.

 

To put things into context - outside of this issue, when we're not with friends, he's extremely affectionate and loving. He's made an effort to introduce me to all of his family who live interstate and has shown a great commitment to our relationship.

 

Back to last night - when our friends left left, my partner said to me, "what a great night. We make a great team, you and I". He was referring to how we'd prepped and made the dinner together. I chose that moment to raise my issues, and he admitted that he has noticed his behaviour, and apologised.

 

I've accepted the apology, but I can't stop thinking about his behaviour. Why would someone behave like that?

 

Would a guy who respected a woman, and valued her company, behave in that manner?

 

I'm afraid that he's starting to take me for granted or has become bored of my company.

 

Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I've done this to someone in my past. For me it was a phase. I was annoyed with her behavior around me for some very silly reason. But I eventually realized I was in the wrong and I was creating an issue when there wasn't one. It was 100% my fault.

 

Personally, I'd start to take notice if he also started behaving that way when just you two are together. But this sounds like an isolated behavior. He may be trying very hard to impress this older couple.

 

I'm glad you have brought up communication about it. You did the right thing there. Now I think you just need to give it some time. The ball is in his court for him to recognize this behavior when it happens and change it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't personally see the huge issue, but I can understand you felt a bit left out. As such, you did the right thing broaching it with him. I had a feeling he didn't even realize it was happening, so see if it improves next time.

 

In other words, I don't think this speaks to a deeper problem or character flaw. I'm curious why you are worried he might be bored with you, though. Are there are other issues that lead you to think so?

[NomiMalone]

Thanks ExpatInItaly. I'm worried he might be bored because this is not how a guy would act around a woman he found interesting.

 

 

I don't personally see the huge issue, but I can understand you felt a bit left out. As such, you did the right thing broaching it with him. I had a feeling he didn't even realize it was happening, so see if it improves next time.

 

In other words, I don't think this speaks to a deeper problem or character flaw. I'm curious why you are worried he might be bored with you, though. Are there are other issues that lead you to think so?

[Gaeta]

Thanks ExpatInItaly. I'm worried he might be bored because this is not how a guy would act around a woman he found interesting.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. Often we are not aware of our behavior till our love-one point it to us. We are all human and flawed. Yes he can be interested in you, be crazy about you and still do something annoying without realizing it.

 

My boyfriend loves me a great deal and when we talk about politics he gets so excited I can hardly squeeze a word in. I just let him be him. Afterward he'll realize he monopolize the conversation and he'll apologize. It's part of love. We learn about each other and accept our flaws.

[frus69]

I'm guessing they are talking about something you don't really know about, and/or you make silly comments on the topic they share.

After all you are 20 years younger.

 

 

Doesn't mean he is bored of you

[Mystique01]

I don't see where he's bored of you.

 

Like another poster mentioned, he might just be trying really hard to impress this couple.

 

But him saying you two make a great team and squeezing your hand and putting his arm around your shoulder doesn't exactly scream out "I'm bored by you and want to break up."

 

I think you might be making a bigger deal of this than need be.

 

Now, if he ALWAYS ignores you when you two are out with other people, then I would start to think there was something wrong.

 

My friend was seriously dating this guy , and she would notice (even I noticed) that whenever they went out with her friends (myself included), he would ignore her and make more conversations with her girl friends. I noticed this too, but just thought he was trying to be friendly and genuinely trying to get to know us. But turns out he ended up being a huge jerk.

 

 

If your gut is telling you something (not just the ignoring you with the couple) is not quite right, then by all means, LISTEN to your gut.

 

But this isolated thing with the couple is a little overthinking things at this point. Now if he KEEPS doing it after you've told him how it makes you feel, then I would definitely have to reevaluate the relationship. I think the age difference is something to consider as being an issue.

[smackie9]

like everyone else...all new relationships do need their tweaking along the way. Good communication is key to keep everything on track. It's when they DON'T LISTEN, is when you look at it as a real problem and the time to reassess your relationship.

[kendahke]

Some people are completely ignorant of how their behaviors comes across until it gets pointed out to them. What to look for once you've spoken up about it is if he makes changes or if, the next time you dine with this couple, he reverts back to the same thing. He is probably so into the conversation with them that he is not aware of how he's coming across to you.

 

Having said that, if at other times, he treats you very well, then this is just a slip of the mind for him and not an act of contempt for your person. He now knows how you feel and hopefully in two weeks when he meets with them again and brings you along, his behavior will reflect the fact that he's heard you and is making changes.

 

If you're now leaping to the conclusion of:

he's starting to take me for granted or has become bored of my company.

 

Then there is something more going on in this relationship than him talking over you when he's having dinner with old friends.

[elaine567]

I think he is shutting you down for some reason.

He may think your input is trivial, unneeded, boring even embarrassing, or he is being protective of HIS friends, he doesn't want you getting in the way of his relationship with them. HE is the "main act", you are the supporting player all you need to do is smile and look pretty, and if you do happen to grab the limelight, he talks over you and shifts the focus back to him.

He doesn't catch your eye as you would then feel part of the conversation and you would then join in, but he doesn't want that.

He wants you as the adoring silent gf at his side.

[joseb]

I had an ex that accused me of this before.

A bit later, she accused me of being too quiet in a group situation, and of talking to her too much.

I couldn't win!

 

For me it was pretty simple, sometimes when we were out with people the conversation was engaging and I would get more involved.

[NomiMalone]

Thank you to all of you for your helpful input. I'm sorry for my late post and I appreciate everyone's insights very much.

 

I'm happy to report that SO has been much more inclusive of me in the company of friends.

 

Gaeta and Kendahke - thank you. We have been dating for approx 1.5 years. I completely agree that we can all be ignorant of our own behaviours until someone gives us the heads up. An important point to remember in relationships. No one is perfect and I myself have been guilty of endless faux pas.

 

Mystique01 - I can definitely see how I could've come across as having been overthinking on this. In truth, I do have larger issues in the relationship. But I was genuinely irked at being ignored and wanted to nip it in the bud. Your friend's guy sounds like a douche - deal breaking behaviour for sure!

 

smackie9 - appreciate your insight and have always valued your opinion on this forum. SO is happy to listen at times, but other times, not so much. It is one of the (minor) red flags in the relationship for me.

[d0nnivain]

I'm happy to report that SO has been much more inclusive of me in the company of friends.

 

 

Glad to hear it.

 

 

Hopefully he didn't fully realize he was doing it &/or that it bothered you. Now that he's aware, he has changed his behavior. This is good.

 

 

Sometimes DH & I are guilty of doing what your guy did but it happens more when we see an old friend (not all that previously well known to the other one). One of us gets so excited about seeing the person we miss that we kind of forget about the spouse.

 

 

Next month DH & I will be taking a long weekend with my college roommate & her husband. The first time we did this, afterwards DH pointed out to me that she & I ignored our 2 husbands for hours because we were so excited to be back together. The 2 husbands enjoyed getting to know each other & making fun of us (not in a bad, mean way; just commiserating with each other that each guy wasn't alone & my old roommate & I were cut from the same cloth). Now the 2 husbands are friends. On this upcoming weekend, they have even designed a part of the weekend for them -- no girls allowed. lol

[smackie9]

 

smackie9 - appreciate your insight and have always valued your opinion on this forum. SO is happy to listen at times, but other times, not so much. It is one of the (minor) red flags in the relationship for me.

This is why you need to keep communicating throughout your relationship. It's never ending, men are not mind readers. A lot of the time, they can be oblivious. Once in awhile, my husband doesn't have to be told, he realizes what he did and apologizes....it takes years of training lol.

[ThisisIt606]

We catch up for dinner on a fortnightly basis with a couple who have been friends with my partner for many years. They're approx 10 years older than my partner, and approx 20 years older than I am. They are great people and we all get along very well.

 

I have increasingly noticed that at these dinners, my partner mostly ignores me when he is talking, addressing only the couple, and makes almost zero eye contact with me, like I'm not even there. Last night, as usual, my partner mainly ignored me over the dinner table, and even twice interrupted me whilst I was talking - he talked over me to ask if either of them wanted a drink. I'm not sure whether our friends noticed his behaviour or not. The odd thing is that he would sometimes reach out to hold my hand if we happen to be sitting next to each other, or put an arm around me.

 

To put things into context - outside of this issue, when we're not with friends, he's extremely affectionate and loving. He's made an effort to introduce me to all of his family who live interstate and has shown a great commitment to our relationship.

 

Back to last night - when our friends left left, my partner said to me, "what a great night. We make a great team, you and I". He was referring to how we'd prepped and made the dinner together. I chose that moment to raise my issues, and he admitted that he has noticed his behaviour, and apologised.

 

I've accepted the apology, but I can't stop thinking about his behaviour. Why would someone behave like that?

 

Would a guy who respected a woman, and valued her company, behave in that manner?

 

I'm afraid that he's starting to take me for granted or has become bored of my company.

 

Your thoughts and advice are much appreciated.

 

 

I don't think he's bored with you or it has anything to do with you personally. I think this may be a character flaw of his that is finally coming to the surface. Bulldozing conversations, wanting to be the "man" the "star" "all about me" "Trump like" whatever you want to call it.

 

Keep an eye on that. It's very good you addressed it. If he KNOWS he did it, could he tell you why?

 

Was he especially anxious at this dinner? really excited to see friends he hasn't seen in awhile? That he just talked over you and ignored you?

 

A good host/parter makes sure people feel included or at the very least acknowledged/appreciate. Someone should make you feel like you're on the outside looking in.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks ThisisIt. Agree very much that a good host includes everyone. SO is normally excellent in social situations. I didn't ask him why he did it - it was enough for me that he was receptive and apologetic, as he is normally very sensitive to criticism. I feel though that he did it because we are long term partners and he feels comfortable enough around me to focus mainly on our friends. (Not saying its desirable behaviour... just saying I've becoming more understanding of it!)

 

 

I don't think he's bored with you or it has anything to do with you personally. I think this may be a character flaw of his that is finally coming to the surface. Bulldozing conversations, wanting to be the "man" the "star" "all about me" "Trump like" whatever you want to call it.

 

Keep an eye on that. It's very good you addressed it. If he KNOWS he did it, could he tell you why?

 

Was he especially anxious at this dinner? really excited to see friends he hasn't seen in awhile? That he just talked over you and ignored you?

 

A good host/parter makes sure people feel included or at the very least acknowledged/appreciate. Someone should make you feel like you're on the outside looking in.

[anduina]

That's good news that he's apologized. If he does it again, ask him why he does it.

[NomiMalone]

So, I'm sad to report that this issue has not only not been resolved, but is becoming habitual of late. Basically, he becomes a completely different person in the company of this couple - he hams it up to become the life of the party, while ignoring me in the foursome over the dining table. It's all very strange. Like if I was sitting opposite him, and next to the wife, he'd only address the husband next to him, and the wife next to me, but very, very rarely extend eye contact to me. He sometimes even turns his body to face them and away from me. At these gatherings now, I automatically just chat with the wife alone, and leave the 2 men to chat. But when I address the group, I make sure I make eye contact with him too. He's fun and chatty with them, but doesn't make the same level of effort to be communicative when at home with me even though I'm quite chatty at home. Perhaps the husband brings out that side of my partner, and that I understand. My only issue is with him behaving as though I don't exist at the dinner table.

 

This issue has extended to when socialising with other people. A few weeks ago, we invited a former colleague of his over for dinner.

She is a lady much older than he and I, who also happens to be a family friend of his. She's a wonderful person and I really enjoy her company too. Because I wanted to give my partner and this lady a chance to catch up, I shopped for and cooked the meal on my own while they chatted, and then after the meal, cleared the dishes and made coffee on my own, while they remained at the dining table chatting. Which I was very happy to do. Except when we were all having coffee, he actually turned his chair around 90 degrees so he was facing the lady and had his back to me. I felt this was very thoughtless.

 

Last weekend, we went away with the couple, and throughout every meal, it was the same old story. I'm getting really fed up over it. I've already raised this issue with him numerous times and lately, he has made no effort to change.

 

My question is - is it normal that people start ignoring their partners in a group as your relationship becomes long term and you no longer feel a need to engage your partner in public? This is not the way I operate, but I don't want to continue chastising my partner over something if his behaviour is actually the norm.

 

Grateful for any insights and thoughts!

[salparadise]

My question is - is it normal that people start ignoring their partners in a group as your relationship becomes long term and you no longer feel a need to engage your partner in public? This is not the way I operate, but I don't want to continue chastising my partner over something if his behaviour is actually the norm.

 

No, it's not normal and it's not good form. Here's what I think... he perceives these guests to have higher social status and it's important to him that they like-admire-approve of him (and you as well). He probably has a twinge of insecurity underlying the seemingly confident, extroverted demeanor. He's quite invested in how he's being perceived by the higher status people, and is unintentionally making a serious faux pas by being focused on that to the exclusion of paying an appropriate amount of attention to you as well.

 

How do i know this? Because I was married to an insecure, extroverted woman who did the same thing to me when we'd be in certain social situations such as company holiday parties.

 

Here is what I think you should try... since you've already tried the light touch by mentioning it as something you want him to do for you, next time, call his attention to how it makes him look to the people he's working so hard to impress. If he grasps that angle, the problem may be solved at least for the moment. If my guess is right, he's invested enough in how he's being perceived that he will alter the behavior if he believes his approval depends on it.

Edited May 2, 2017 by salparadise

[basil67]

When my partner and I go out, he tends to talk with the guests because he wants to catch up with them. I have a choice of joining in or missing out.

 

Yes, it's annoying, but I know it's not to do with me. He can talk to me anytime, but the visitors - not so much.

[Gaeta]

Have you tried to impose yourself?

 

When he turns his chair 90 degrees tell him with love and patience : Honey would you move your chair back a little I cannot see our guest.

 

Do you initiate conversation with the guests? Don't let your bf interrupt you. If he cuts you off put your hand on his arms and say: Honey one moment I am not done my story.

 

I don't like the way your boyfriend treats you. It doesn't matter how sweet he is with you're one on one If he treats you like you're just the tea pot in the middle of the table around guests. I think it's telling of how he views you. You're a thing, a pretty little thing he can just put aside when not needed.

[elaine567]

It can be a problem in the older man/younger woman dynamic.

He doesn't see you as an equal, many older men deliberately chose women they can dominate.

He does the talking, he entertains the guests, and you are reduced to the little woman who nods in agreement with him and is ignored otherwise, or in the case of the older woman guest, the servant - who cooked the meal and served the coffee...

 

As he is not listening to you, then you need to reappraise your whole relationship.

Are you being treated as an equal or is he "taking charge" and stifling you as a person in your own right.

Sometimes it feels good be be "looked after" to not have to make decisions and to hand the reins over to someone else, but sometimes you need to take back the reins and if he is resistant to that, then the problems can really start.

[preraph]

He's just excited to have these new people to talk to. I mean, being a couple, it can get monotonous. But that's not any excuse for being inconsiderate. He's now been told, so if he does it again, remind him again it's rude.

[NomiMalone]

Thank you so much everyone for all your insights. I am very grateful for all of them. They have allowed me to understand the situation so much better.

 

To begin, Salparadise was spot on in his description "insecure extrovert". This fits my partner quite aptly. ThisIsIt in one of the older posts was also right in saying that my partner enjoys being the "star".

 

It has always seemed that my partner has a great need to connect with/ be liked by acquaintances, friends and strangers alike, and to be the centre of attention in social situations. As he puts it, he is the "golden child" of his office. With strangers, he would often make friendly/funny comments to elicit a response. For example, once we parked the car on the street. It was a Sunday but there was a parking inspector in the area. He said to her, "can't believe they're making you work today!" Or at the DVD rental store when we hired the movie "Burn After Reading", he said to the girl working there, "at least it's not called "Burn After Watching!" It's a bit of fun and he's just being him.

 

Thinking back now however, there have been 2 occasions with strangers that have bothered me: 1) Many months ago, we went away for a weekend for a wedding. When we checked into our hotel, the young, female receptionist was very chatty and flirty. She asked him what we were in town for and then the two of them proceeded to chat. He became clearly engaged in conversation with her (his body language was also very telling - he was standing tall with one elbow propped on the reception counter, leaning towards the receptionist), so much so that she remembered our room number (out of hundreds of rooms) when we checked out 3 days later. I was aware that I looked to all the staff like a bit of an idiot standing there that morning. I never mentioned this to him as I didn't want to seem controlling. 2) For my birthday last year, the 2 of us went out for dinner. Throughout the dinner, he called a pretty young waitress over to our table twice to chat about the recipes of the dishes. I complimented the dishes as well, not wanting to look like an idiot. I could see the waitress felt very smug about his attention, and added a swing to her hips as she walked past our table. We were dressed up, and it was clear we were on a date. Once again, I was aware I looked like a fool.

 

What bothered me about these 2 incidences was that I felt they went beyond friendly banter to the point that he was sending these strangers the wrong message.

 

So thinking back now, I realise that perhaps his need to be liked is behind much of his behaviours that I find undesirable - the 2 incidents with the strangers, and now ignoring me in the company of friends.

 

I spoke to him again last night about his behaviour around our friends. He wasn't happy to hear it, understandably (and even flatly denied ever having turned his chair 90 degrees at dinner with his colleague.) We argued. But he did later say that he wasn't aware he's doing it, and will try to change. He said that he might not be able to change it instantly, and it might take awhile.

 

This makes me very puzzled. How can something such as showing common courtesy to your own partner be so difficult? Is it perhaps that people who constantly crave attention/validation are addicted to it and need it at all costs? Or does he simply not respect me? (He does not seem to want to break up and made a huge effort to be kind yesterday evening after the talk).

 

It really seems as though the crux of the issue is this - his need to be liked overrides his need to do the right thing by me.

 

I need to think about whether I can live with this in a relationship.

[NomiMalone]

Salparadise - thank you. You have helped me out very much. I'm relieved to receive assurance that it's not usual for long-term partners to ignore each other. It'd be bloody miserable should that be the norm!

 

Im sorry to hear you had to deal with this with your ex-wife. And I'm sorry to pry - and absolutely feel free not to answer - but I'm curious to know whether you believe she was aware of her actions, and simply couldn't help it? Because I feel that my partner isn't aware of what he is doing and isn't able to control his behaviour. I also feel this is unlikely to change without a great deal of self reflection on his part.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the husband in the couple (our friends that I keep referring to) is already aware that my partner is the attention seeking type. The husband is a very perceptive, insightful, kind person. He and his wife come across as having the type of security that age, experience and a secure, loving marriage brings. I'm not sure whether they can be regarded as having a superior social status - all I can say is that they seem to be more financially better off than we are, if that counts. I actually suspect that the husband can already see that I'm not pleased with my partner's behaviour towards me.

 

 

No, it's not normal and it's not good form. Here's what I think... he perceives these guests to have higher social status and it's important to him that they like-admire-approve of him (and you as well). He probably has a twinge of insecurity underlying the seemingly confident, extroverted demeanor. He's quite invested in how he's being perceived by the higher status people, and is unintentionally making a serious faux pas by being focused on that to the exclusion of paying an appropriate amount of attention to you as well.

 

How do i know this? Because I was married to an insecure, extroverted woman who did the same thing to me when we'd be in certain social situations such as company holiday parties.

 

Here is what I think you should try... since you've already tried the light touch by mentioning it as something you want him to do for you, next time, call his attention to how it makes him look to the people he's working so hard to impress. If he grasps that angle, the problem may be solved at least for the moment. If my guess is right, he's invested enough in how he's being perceived that he will alter the behavior if he believes his approval depends on it.