spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) I will be going to an event soon where I am likely to see an old colleague again who I liked and who liked me. We are talking about some years ago when we worked together. At the time, I had just broken up with (now) ex-husband and really was not in a place to date. I was vague and unhelpful, I suppose, though I knew that he was sounding me out and possibly gearing up to asking me out. His friends at work were acting a bit conspiratorial and putting him in a good light too, so I felt pretty bad about not encouraging him at that point. Anyway, years later we are likely to meet up again and with a group. I really do like this guy. He has a lot of very admirable qualities - super intelligent, a gentleman, fun, creative. I know he would treat me well and be great fun to be with. He is older than me and I wasn't very physically attracted I have to say, but he is a lovely person. I am wondering whether to be more encouraging towards him this time. There is a problem though, so I would appreciate advice on how to handle this. Bear in mind that I am unlikely to bump into this guy again unless I make a deliberate effort to catch him at work and that would be rather obvious. The problem. Well, I have been in a kind of pseudo relationship with a younger guy online. The mental connection has been amazing, better than that with my ex-husband, so despite all my reasoning, I have started to feel very emotionally involved with him. I think he feels the same because he stays in touch every day, or at least has done up until recently when I have deterred him. We have spoken on the phone too. Unfotunately, he lives about 3 hours away and never got round to meeting me. This was because he wanted to do this spontaneously rather than make plans. I wanted to make plans, in fact needed to, especially if he was coming to my place, but he just couldn't cope with planning more than a few hours ahead, so we have never met. I feel he would plan if he respected me. He feels too nervous to plan. He is looking for a 'friend' anyway rather than a relationship because he has been separated long-term from his wife. He was interested in more but there are cultural differences which complicates matters. He has quite strong moral values (which I share) but which affect his thinking and it means he feels a lot of guilt when considering dating. In his culture marriage was the thing to do and marriages are not supposed to end. Rationally, he knows that they do and that he is living in a different culture now but emotionally he is struggling. Due to lack of meeting after considerable time had passed, I really felt there was no future in this online 'relationship' except of online friendship, but emotionally this felt like much more than friendship. I have never had a friendship quite that close before, where we think so alike. He hasn't either. In the end, I felt I would have to stop communicating with him to try to move on and consider other guys because I can't cope with feeling so emotionally involved with more than one person. I feel bad about this, that I have hurt him, but really it was his lack of commitment to meeting that triggered all this. Basically, it is an emotional mess. So now, I might have the chance to spend some fun time with a really nice guy who I already know and might have the opportunity to see him again for dates. I don't want to mess him about. I know the emotional situation I have been in is not ideal. I certainly don't want to make any promises to anyone. What would you do in this situation? I am trying to move on. I feel I have no choice but to move on, but emotionally I am terribly sad about all this. I don't want to mess this nice guy up either. Edited December 12, 2016 by spiderowl
Expectmore Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 As a general rule of OLD. If after a week of talking you don't work on a meetup, you are wasting your time. Curiosity and excitement should be your drive to meet. otherwise they are just a chat friend online. Don't fool yourself into thinking people are the same in real life as online. Find out in person and then decide if they hold up to your expectations. 2
PegNosePete Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Why would you continue an online "relationship" after he tells you quite clearly that he doesn't want to meet? Why would you carry on a "relationship" that is quite clearly never going to be any more than a penpal relationship? I mean I can understand LDRs but usually the participants would take any possible opportunity to spend real time together! But this guy has told you plainly that he doesn't want to meet you oh and by the way he's married. I don't understand why you'd bother wasting any more time and emotion on him. 1
salparadise Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 We have spoken on the phone too. Unfotunately, he lives about 3 hours away and never got round to meeting me. This was because he... -would plan if he respected me. -feels too nervous to plan. -looking for a 'friend' anyway -his wife -cultural differences -moral values affect his thinking -feels a lot of guilt when considering dating I felt I would have to stop communicating with him to try to move on and consider other guys because I can't cope with feeling so emotionally involved with more than one person. I feel bad about this, that I have hurt him, but really it was his lack of commitment to meeting that triggered all this. Basically, it is an emotional mess. I feel I have no choice but to move on, but emotionally I am terribly sad about all this. I don't want to mess this nice guy up either. Goodness gracious, spiderowl... how many times have you seen threads about people getting overly invested with people they haven't even met? How long have you been chatting with this guy? Lets' be real for a minute. He's married and can't divorce due to guilt and cultural differences, so he uses you as an emotional tampon for however long, refuses to even meet for lunch or whatever... and YOU'RE feeling guilty about cutting him off? Ok, so you feel a connection and he's a nice guy. So be polite when you tell him that you're no longer interested in indulging a fantasy. Say, hey, it was nice chatting and let him find someone else to play games with. The new guy may or may not be interested in whatever it is that you're imagining for him... see how it goes but keep expectations in check.
jen1447 Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Do you know that the old guy hasn't moved on and isn't in a relationship or married now, kids and everything else? I just don't want you to go in thinking he's necessarily in the same space he was back then.
Author spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 Why would you continue an online "relationship" after he tells you quite clearly that he doesn't want to meet? Why would you carry on a "relationship" that is quite clearly never going to be any more than a penpal relationship? I mean I can understand LDRs but usually the participants would take any possible opportunity to spend real time together! But this guy has told you plainly that he doesn't want to meet you oh and by the way he's married. I don't understand why you'd bother wasting any more time and emotion on him. That's isn't quite the situation. He said he does want to meet and a few times has suggested that he drive up to see me, but I felt it was too short notice. The problem has been that he feels he needs to act on impulse and struggles to plan. I decided in the end that this must be another way of saying he wasn't too bothered about meeting. But over the time we have chatted we have gone through various stages of friendship, possibly more, back to friendship, then maybe meet up, then finally me giving up. If it had been clear from the start he was never going to get round to meeting, I would obviously have done things differently. He has been adamant all along that he wants to meet and this is what confused me. In the end, his words did not match his actions.
Author spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 Thanks all for your helpful comments. Yes, I know there is little point in investing a lot online. This sort of crept up on me because of the connection which is uncanny, we could be twins almost in terms of attitudes and ideas. We both miss each other if we don't chat. He was so adamant that he wanted to meet and that if anyone was preventing it, it was me with my expections of notice. In the end, I realised this was probably an excuse of some sort, but it didn't seem like that at the time or I would not have been caught out. I saw nice guy today and he was sweet. He came to greet me and bought me a drink. I know he has always liked me. He seems to be in the same situation. I still didn't feel great physical attraction which is such a shame. He is older than me too by 10 years. There were lots of other people so, although we did talk, it was not alone, lot of former colleagues there who I also hadn't seen in a while. It was quite emotional for me to see these beloved people who played such a big part in my life in a former job. One is pretty seriously ill (but seemed to be doing better today), another was retiring. In a way, I could do without this emotional mix on top.
Author spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 Really appreciate your support about online chatting guy. Still feel cut up about this. I feel he messed me about though I also feel that was not his intention. I doubt I'll ever find that kind of connection again. I haven't in the previous 40 years!
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