Boyfriend's female friend--Do I need to learn to trust,or do I have reason to worry?

[NotLookingBack1]

My boyfriend has a female coworker who I've never met, and he's also friends with outside of work. She comes to his cookouts with friends, and she's also a part of the league he participates in every week (he invited her), etc. Our relationship is long distance, so I'm often not there for these things.

He speaks fondly and often of her, but when I asked him once why they never dated, he said it's because he doesn't find her attractive. She likes everything he posts on facebook...but has never liked a pic or post of him and I together.

 

Anyways, last Sunday night, he told me he had just helped her move that afternoon. Done her "heavy lifting". Then she offered to repay him by taking him out for beers. I didn't think much of it.

Last night, he told me he wanted to skype today at lunch time, (we don't skype daily--but when we do, it's at night). So this afternoon while we were skyping, he mentions he's helping her move again tonight. It made me feel weird--like you intentionally moved your skype date around with me, so you'd be free tonight?

 

Also I think it's great he's a caring friend...But helping her move two weekends in a row? By himself. I asked him why, and he told me "She has a couple more heavy boxes. She has no one else to do it. If I didn't do it, her dad was going to drive hours to come help her." She's lived and worked in this city for 2 years--she has not one friend who could help her lift her heavier boxes? Also they work in a very male dominated industry--yet he's the only one willing to help her pack and move?

Of course all I could so was sit there and smile--he's up front about it, so I don't want seem like a weirdo for feeling...well weird?

He's never given me reason not to trust him. And he is a generous person--he will let one friend's dog out when he's late coming home, and back when he and I were just friends he fixed something electrical for me when I couldn't. But I don't know that he would have done it twice in a row.

 

Do I have reason to feel weird? He told me "oh don't worry, she likes my roommate" I asked how he knew that, and he says after their first night of the league they play on, she texted him "OMG I have such a crush on (insert boyfriend's name here)'s roommate!" Then told him "oh that was an accident! that text was meant for my friend!" Somehow I don't believe that and I feel like she was just trying to see if he'd get jealous?

Edited December 12, 2016 by NotLookingBack1

[Sweetfish]

My boyfriend has a female coworker who I've never met, and he's also friends with outside of work. She comes to his cookouts with friends, and she's also a part of the league he participates in every week (he invited her), etc. Our relationship is long distance, so I'm often not there for these things.

He speaks fondly and often of her, but when I asked him once why they never dated, he said it's because he doesn't find her attractive. She likes everything he posts on facebook...but has never liked a pic or post of him and I together.

 

Anyways, last Sunday night, he told me he had just helped her move that afternoon. Done her "heavy lifting". Then she offered to repay him by taking him out for beers. I didn't think much of it.

Last night, he told me he wanted to skype today at lunch time, (we don't skype daily--but when we do, it's at night). So this afternoon while we were skyping, he mentions he's helping her move again tonight. It made me feel weird--like you intentionally moved your skype date around with me, so you'd be free tonight?

 

Also I think it's great he's a caring friend...But helping her move two weekends in a row? By himself. I asked him why, and he told me "She has a couple more heavy boxes. She has no one else to do it. If I didn't do it, her dad was going to drive hours to come help her." She's lived and worked in this city for 2 years--she has not one friend who could help her lift her heavier boxes? Also they work in a very male dominated industry--yet he's the only one willing to help her pack and move?

Of course all I could so was sit there and smile--he's up front about it, so I don't want seem like a weirdo for feeling...well weird?

He's never given me reason not to trust him. And he is a generous person--he will let one friend's dog out when he's late coming home, and back when he and I were just friends he fixed something electrical for me when I couldn't. But I don't know that he would have done it twice in a row.

 

Do I have reason to feel weird? He told me "oh don't worry, she likes my roommate" I asked how he knew that, and he says after their first night of the league they play on, she texted him "OMG I have such a crush on (insert boyfriend's name here)'s roommate!" Then told him "oh that was an accident! that text was meant for my friend!" Somehow I don't believe that and I feel like she was just trying to see if he'd get jealous?

 

 

Nope this is not good.

[NotLookingBack1]

Sidenote..After we got off skype (5pm ish his time, we skyped for like a good 2 hours and it was wonderful)...I never heard from him again, the rest of the night, until just now. (Which is 11:45 for him). And all it says? "Wow I had a great time having skype brunch with you today. I got a lot done. Goodnight! Talk to you tomorrow!"

You had such a good time christmas shopping and moving your friend into her apartment tonight, you never even were tempted to text me once? He's not the world's greatest communicator, but still. Even when he's been out at bars with his male friends, I'll get a random text.

[Satu]

My gut feeling is that there's nothing sinister going on from your boyfriends side, but I think she's probably quite attracted to him.

 

 

 

 

Take care.

[SpiralOut]

Did they become good friends before or after you started dating him?

 

She might have a crush on him, but the suspicious behaviour is on her side only. Your boyfriend sounds oblivious.

[NotLookingBack1]

Did they become good friends before or after you started dating him?

 

She might have a crush on him, but the suspicious behaviour is on her side only. Your boyfriend sounds oblivious.

Before. And he's not cunning. He's just good, wholeheartedly. But i've never met her, and half the things she's doing sound like things I would have done when I was single to get a guy to come around. "Oh here so and so, let's get a drink after you do me a favor. Let's spend one of the evenings of our weekend together." I never would have done it with a guy who had a girlfriend though.

[NomiMalone]

This is a difficult one. He genuinely doesn't seem to have any intentions towards her. But on the other hand, in my opinion, a person in a serious relationship shouldn't really be looking to build close friendships with someone of the opposite gender.

 

The girl however seems to have no respect for your relationship. I would definitely not be asking such favours from a guy who is attached. I find it inappropriate.

 

Hang in there for now if you value the relationship, but keep your eyes open.

[LargoLagg]

You're dancing around the real issue here.

 

The issue is not whether or not he has a female friend, or if she has nobody else to help or if she respects your relationship or not. She's known him longer than you and she's local, you're not. If anything, you don't respect his relationship with her. In all likelihood, she'll be there long after you're gone.

 

The question is whether or not your LDR guy is trustworthy. Maybe she is what he says she is, and maybe she's not. Ultimately, that's the problem with an LDR. You don't have any way to know, other than what he tells you.

 

Your real problem is the LDR itself, because you have no way to measure if he's a good guy or not. If he was local to you, you could probably figure this out, but now, you have to decide to trust him or not. If you can't do that, you're doing both of you a disservice in staying in this LDR.

 

LDR's suck anyway. Find somebody you can squeeze at night, it's a lot more fun.

[frus69]

Do you trust your bf? Doesn't sound like it or you would not have a problem with him helping her out. Are you scared he will grow attached towards her?

 

 

I can totally relate to your feelings. Girls get jealous and insecure. But so far I didn't see any concrete evidence that something fishy is going on here.

 

 

It's pretty normal that he wanted to help her out two weeks in a row. And if he needed to help her move at night, of course he would shift your skype time. Also he still skyped with you, not like he cancelled your skype date so he could help her out.

 

 

I didn't see anything she did that's obviously out of line or disrespectful to you either.

 

 

Bottom line, she may very well be attracted to your BF, but if you trust your BF wont stray, you shouldn't get upset over it.

Do you believe your BF won't stray? If not, why?

[Eternal Sunshine]

To be honest, I would priorotise my friends, male or female over a LDR of few months. Anytime. He is not doing anything wrong. The truth is, she will be there long after you and the next and the next girl are gone. You start to become a priority once your relationship soldifies and the endurance is proven through time. As long as they are not actually f-ing, their friendship is not your business at this point.

[duncsvoice]

My best friend is a girl, we're very close, although there has never been any attraction. Never been a thing, never will be.

 

However, she's under no illusions that my partner comes first.

[Miss Peach]

I work in a male-dominated industry and have a lot of male friends. I have asked male coworkers to help me move before. I have talked my friends out to a meal or drinks afterward as a thank you. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Having said that, my partner comes first when I'm committed to someone (unless it's to the point I can't maintain my friendships). The moving your date, lack of communication etc. is what would potentially worry me just because it would have me feel disappointed that maybe I wasn't in that role.

 

I do believe your BF though. Usually IME if a man never makes an attempt to date a woman (unless she's taken when he meets her) then he isn't attracted or there is some other deal breaker in there. I don't know if I feel the same about her unless she's able to be supportive of you in the picture. A lot of women don't get that men categorize women and it can be hard to dig out of that category.

[vanhalenfan]

No way I would be comfortable with any of that, especially while in a LDR.

[CommittedToThis]

It's possible BF is upfront and honest and perhaps a bit clueless.

 

It's also possible I'm Denzel Washington masquerading as CommittedToThis.

 

It's additionally possible that BF is using the old Cluster B trick of putting the deception right out there in front of you, like, "I'm not cheating on you, I've told you right up front about Carly" (or whatever the female friend's name is).

 

The fact this is an LDR makes things impossibly tough. You really have no choice in the matter but to believe your BF.

 

Once you're actually in physical proximity and spend time with the person, then you can start making decisions.

 

Until then, you can only make decisions based on what he tells you.

[NotLookingBack1]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the input.

 

It's important to note, too, for the people who are saying friends come first--he and I were friends a good year before she ever started working with him. And I wasn't always long distance--when we became friends, I lived close by, hence how the friendship happened.

 

I've always been a big believer in people keeping their opposite sex friends during a relationship. Anything else would be controlling in my opinion. That being said, he not the type of guy who has female friends. Except this one. And me, before we started dating.

 

Maybe it's more a projection of my issues--I was cheated on in my younger years once, and it devastated me. That was a good 4-5 years ago though.

 

I just don't understand how when he travels abroad, or goes out to bars with friends every weekend, I don't blink an eye...yet him hanging out with this one girl somehow makes me twitch?

Edited December 12, 2016 by NotLookingBack1

[kendahke]

You're raising a whole lot of points that are really non sequitur to the fact that you don't trust your boyfriend. This chick cannot do anything with him that he doesn't give himself permission to do in the first place, so she is not and will never be your problem. Your problem is your lack of trust in your boyfriend's word and you need to look into that.

 

Yeah, she could have hired some day laborers to move her stuff, but it appears your boyfriend offered to help her. Nothing wrong with that.

 

And there is nothing wrong with him moving your skyping to the afternoon--it beats him not contacting you at all that day. He demonstrated that he was prioritizing the time he spends with you on skype BY MAKING THE TIME TO SKYPE WITH YOU.

 

If he isn't of the character to be untrustworthy, then you're going to have to exercise some trust and stop planting false scenario seeds, trying to get them to sprout into the dramatic nothing that they are.

 

If he is of the character to be shady and untrustworthy, then it's time to cut him loose. He's living where he lives and if he wants to cheat with her, there really is nothing you can do about it, except end the relationship. It's up to him whether or not cheating is a good idea. You can even live with him, but if he's hell bent on being unfaithful, then he's going to find a way to do it. That's just a fact of life.

 

You're living where you are and he's living where he is--humans are social creatures and he's got a circle of friends where he lives that he does things with. I'm sure you have a circle of friends, too--doesn't matter if none of them are of the opposite sex. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't, then bounce and find a guy closer to you.

 

You're twitching because you really don't trust him.

 

She's not your problem: your boyfriend, or more to the point, the lack of trust in your boyfriend, is your problem.

[CommittedToThis]

You're twitching because you really don't trust him.

 

Perhaps OP's "twitching" is her instinct, gut feeling or intuition sending her bright neon-orange letters saying "SOMETHING ISN'T ADDING UP HERE."

 

My goodness, OP sounds pretty cool to me, she was cheated on a few years ago and yet she trusts her current BF in every single regard.

 

Except for his "friendship" with this one woman.

 

To OP, I learned this the hard way. Trust your gut. If you're wrong, you're wrong and you lose a good thing. There are more good things out there walking around at any given moment.

 

If you're right -- and instincts usually are in my experience -- then you save yourself this kind of confusion and heartache.

[kendahke]

Maybe it's more a projection of my issues--I was cheated on in my younger years once,

 

If this is still going on to this day, then you needed a therapist, not a boyfriend.

 

This needed to resolved and buried before you and he got together because you're dragging your baggage into this new relationship and expecting him to unpack it.

 

He isn't your ex. Stop expecting him to atone for what your ex did.

[kendahke]

Perhaps OP's "twitching" is her instinct, gut feeling or intuition sending her bright neon-orange letters saying "SOMETHING ISN'T ADDING UP HERE."

.

 

Then bounce. End it.

 

The lack of trust is going to get her there eventually. YOu can't have a relationship if you can't trust and if you're dragging your baggage from past relationships into your present one, then that means you're not ready to be in a new relationship. Period.

[frus69]

Perhaps OP's "twitching" is her instinct, gut feeling or intuition sending her bright neon-orange letters saying "SOMETHING ISN'T ADDING UP HERE."

 

My goodness, OP sounds pretty cool to me, she was cheated on a few years ago and yet she trusts her current BF in every single regard.

 

Except for his "friendship" with this one woman.

 

To OP, I learned this the hard way. Trust your gut. If you're wrong, you're wrong and you lose a good thing. There are more good things out there walking around at any given moment.

 

If you're right -- and instincts usually are in my experience -- then you save yourself this kind of confusion and heartache.

 

I don't fully agree. Ever heard of Catastrophic Thinking?

I had so many occasions where I firmly believed my BF was going to break up with me. But I couldn't be more wrong after I found out the whole story. As someone who always ruminates about irrational worst-case outcomes, I cant trust my guts all the time. If I do I will lose all the good things, not just one good thing.

 

 

Additionally, I don't think OP's guts is telling her the BF is cheating. I think OP just worries this chick likes him and maybe one day he will like her back. And this is not based on any concrete evidence, just pure insecurities.

 

 

She is a friend who is closer to him than some random chick he may run into when going out with friends, that's why OP is twitching about her, not other girls.

 

 

Unless you have other stories, so far I don't believe your BF did anything wrong