GF left after Argument

[Bloke]

So my BiPolar Girlfriend decided to end it about a week ago. 2 weeks before she ended it she started getting really cold towards me; I wasn't acting beta or anything of that nature / she says I'm too aggressive at times. She was also under alot of stress from her work, and finding a new position, she's approaching 40. Also wants to start and family now too / but were not in the right financial situation to do that.

 

We've been together for 2 years, helped each other through really bad times, both had really bad experiences with our last relationship.

 

Anyways we've split up once before last year and ended up back together a week later. She basically begged to come back.

 

This time is different. The day we split up she was making Vacation plans with me, asked me to come out for a friends Birthday party the upcoming weekend, we kissed for a while, it all seemed pretty good.

 

She called me that night and was testing her phone, I made the mistake of getting aggravated at what she was doing and hung up on her. (Long terrible day at work). She ended up texted me that its over and she hates me... etc.

 

 

Fast forward 24 hours later, she was calling me and texting me almost non stop for 4 days. I never begged for her back or anything - but we did talk and I tried to resolve things. She says she doesn't know what she wants, but that I'm the love of her life, and all that.

 

 

Since Wednesday was the last time she texted me. She said I'll leave you alone, and getting over you is the hardest thing I have to do.

 

 

I don't know what to do, I'm so confused at what's happened, and I'm wrecked with anxiety. I thought about sending over flowers with a funny note on them, at the same time I know that NC can also help. I feel like this was just a silly fight that doesn't have any weight to it.

 

During the break with her, I've really thought about things I can change to make the relationship better. Always room for improvement. And I've been trying to focus on other stuff, like the gym, but this is killing me.

 

 

Any advise on how to approach this would be much appreciated. I have no idea what to do, and it's approaching 2 weeks without seeing her. In my gut I don't feel like their is any cheating involved.

 

Thoughts?

[spiderowl]

Hanging up on someone is not good, unless the person has done something appalling and rude themselves. Testing her phone probably doesn't come into that category. I assume you apologised to her and explained you were just tired.

 

I would guess that it is not the hanging up that did it, but that would hurt anyone. It is probably an accumulation of things. Could be her mood changes but more likely she feels time is running out for her to have a family and your reasons for not going ahead with that seem less important to her. Ideally, we would all want to be well off when having a family but many people manage with less, as long as they have the will to do so. However it takes two, to go ahead and have children and to vow to support them as best you can. She is 40 and does not have much time left on that front.

 

We don't really know what has gone on in regard to other matters between you, only what you have mentioned. I guess she just wants someone who treats her kindly and wants the same future as she does. On that day, you did not treat her kindly. The rest seems to have been a long-running issue. It is not something women can ignore. She faces a dilemma: does she stay with you and risk not having a family or take her chances of finding another partner she can love.

 

If you want her back, you need to apologise for hanging up on her. You also need to consider your feelings on the matter of children. If you are really against having them for the next few years, then leave her be. She deserves a chance to meet someone who does want a family. If you are concerned about the practical reasons only (and be honest with yourself about this), then talk with her about how you could both resolve these. It may be that she feels she has given you enough time though and she has reached the limit of an internal deadline she had on this issue.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 12, 2016 by spiderowl

[Bloke]

Hanging up on someone is not good, unless the person has done something appalling and rude themselves. Testing her phone probably doesn't come into that category. I assume you apologised to her and explained you were just tired.

 

I would guess that it is not the hanging up that did it, but that would hurt anyone. It is probably an accumulation of things. Could be her mood changes but more likely she feels time is running out for her to have a family and your reasons for not going ahead with that seem less important to her. Ideally, we would all want to be well off when having a family but many people manage with less, as long as they have the will to do so. However it takes two, to go ahead and have children and to vow to support them as best you can. She is 40 and does not have much time left on that front.

 

We don't really know what has gone on in regard to other matters between you, only what you have mentioned. I guess she just wants someone who treats her kindly and wants the same future as she does. On that day, you did not treat her kindly. The rest seems to have been a long-running issue. It is not something women can ignore. She faces a dilemma: does she stay with you and risk not having a family or take her chances of finding another partner she can love.

 

If you want her back, you need to apologise for hanging up on her. You also need to consider your feelings on the matter of children. If you are really against having them for the next few years, then leave her be. She deserves a chance to meet someone who does want a family. If you are concerned about the practical reasons only (and be honest with yourself about this), then talk with her about how you could both resolve these. It may be that she feels she has given you enough time though and she has reached the limit of an internal deadline she had on this issue.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the level headed response.

 

Yeah I've apologised for hanging up on her, it was one of those days that got the best of my emotions. Totally uncalled for on my part.

 

I feel that if we were to start a family, our child wouldn't be able to get the best opportunities and support they need growing up. I understand other people go that direction without any kind of high income, but it's not something I see for my children.

 

Do you think I should wait on her to contact me again? Maybe she needs the time to sort out her thoughts and emotions? Or should I call her and initiate it?

 

I feel like there isn't anyone out their that could handle her and her personality like I can, I feel sick thinking about her dating other people. Maybe that's selfish of me though..

[spiderowl]

Your reasons for putting off having a family are entirely rational and sensible. Her reasoning (if this is the fundamental problem and I suspect it is) is that she hasn't got time to wait for ever. She probably doesn't have.

 

What to do next would depend on what you want and also where you left it with her. She says she won't contact you. You did mention that you tried to sort out issues with her - what were these issues? Were they sorted out? If not, what was the bottom line? If nothing has changed, then is there a point in trying to keep the relationship?

[Bloke]

Your reasons for putting off having a family are entirely rational and sensible. Her reasoning (if this is the fundamental problem and I suspect it is) is that she hasn't got time to wait for ever. She probably doesn't have.

 

What to do next would depend on what you want and also where you left it with her. She says she won't contact you. You did mention that you tried to sort out issues with her - what were these issues? Were they sorted out? If not, what was the bottom line? If nothing has changed, then is there a point in trying to keep the relationship?

 

I feel like maybe I'm pressured at this point to just start a family with her, despite my concerns.

 

We had a few issues going on, I was too aggressive and insensitive to her feelings and issues, she felt she couldn't approach me about anything because of that - partly due to my anxiety, which she knows about.

 

I've hired a therapist to talk it out to, hoping to change that around.

 

I'm definitely always changing, life's a learning process at the end of the day.

 

I do want the relationship - just nervous at what to do at this point - if I should call her or wait for her to call me. She was call me for almost 5 days straight, all the time after the break up. Even when she was out with her girls.

[spiderowl]

The therapist sounds a good idea. At least you will have someone external to talk to about the situation.

 

Please don't feel pressured to start a family against your feelings. That is absolutely not what I intended to do. I was pointing out that your girlfriend might not feel she has the time to wait like you do so her priorities might be different. This does not mean you should get back with her and do something you think is wrong.

 

I don't know what anxieties you are suffering from but anxieties can be a slight extension of rational thought, e.g. anxiety about how you'd cope without a high enough income, or they can be a trip into an irrational nightmare where someone's life is totally affected by fear to a point where others find the behaviour extremely difficult. For example, a fear of spiders to the point that windows can never be left open in a house even in mid-summer! Dealing with anxieties is likely to help you at least. It may not bring your girlfriend back, but you may find in therapy that that is not actually what you need at this point in your life.

[Bloke]

The therapist sounds a good idea. At least you will have someone external to talk to about the situation.

 

Please don't feel pressured to start a family against your feelings. That is absolutely not what I intended to do. I was pointing out that your girlfriend might not feel she has the time to wait like you do so her priorities might be different. This does not mean you should get back with her and do something you think is wrong.

 

I don't know what anxieties you are suffering from but anxieties can be a slight extension of rational thought, e.g. anxiety about how you'd cope without a high enough income, or they can be a trip into an irrational nightmare where someone's life is totally affected by fear to a point where others find the behaviour extremely difficult. For example, a fear of spiders to the point that windows can never be left open in a house even in mid-summer! Dealing with anxieties is likely to help you at least. It may not bring your girlfriend back, but you may find in therapy that that is not actually what you need at this point in your life.

 

 

Yes definitely agree, working on any anxiety/anger is something that I feel is a change that has to happen.

 

I just can't figure out why she would be calling and texting me like crazy after the breakup, I was giving her barely any attention at all. One night I had over 15 voicemails and calls from her. She blocked me on everything, and even admitted to getting one of her friends to block me as well on social media.

 

I definitely know she's still in love with me, it's not my first breakup. I just want to end this and move forward with our lives. It's one of the most ridiculous breakups I've ever had, it left me confused more then anything.

 

Besides working on myself, which I'm doing 100%. Is there anything that I'm doing wrong? Should I break my NC and go to her? Is continuing no contact the best approach right now?

[Bloke]

Ex just called 5 minutes ago while I was on these forums. Meeting at my place tonight after work. I'll post a update on how it went.

 

Just bought a new suit too, so I hope that helps me through this.