norcaldivr Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Wanted to get the groups opinion on something. I'm 41 and usually date women in their forties. Often this means single moms. The kids usually tend to be older, generally late teens. I have seen quite a difference in attitudes about having me spend the night. One woman, who's 16 yo daughter is a great kid, does well in school etc. had absolutely no problem with it while another whose 17 yo son has had multiple run-ins with the law did not think it was a good thing. What are some thoughts on this ? I know a lot depends on the age of the kids. I certainly want to respect their wishes and also do what is right. But it is kind of a bummer to have to get up out of bed at 2:00 AM after an evening of lovin' to go home. But it comes with the teritory.
tiki Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Morally - are you okay with it? Any hang-ups about it? I wouldn't do it. Set the precedence. If you ever intend to marry and co-parent, you can rest assured that you did the right thing. Otherwise, how can you come down on doing it if you two did it yourselves? Lead by example.
Merin Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Well My Wee Peeps are 5 and 7.. My thoughts on Guys staying over with me are this.. I don't have casual sex with Guys so once I've met someone while I'm all good to go with dating, if we aren't exclusive then I don't introduce my Kids to him.. Reason being I don't want my Little Peeps to get attached to someone who may not be around. Once the relationship becomes exclusive then I introduce my Kiddo's to him (they have only met 2 Guys) I give my Little Peeps opportunity to get to know my BF and vice versa.. so they are comfortable with him and have some time to develop a friendship. This is the way My BF did things with his Kiddo's as well.. I am the only Girl his Kids have met.. we took time in allowing his Peeps to get to know me and develop a friendship before either one of us stayed over night.
agnf666 Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I think it all depends on if you get to know the children well . So, that the kids know you and like you then that opens the door for you being around alot. The mom also needs to talk to them and tell them that she is in a new relationship. Don't be so forceful about staying the night. I know it's a bummer. Give it time. I think the thing is that they don't want there mom to replace there father really fast. She needs to talk to them and tell them that this is her decision. They are old enough to understand that. I hope it works out for you.
soccorsilly Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I don't have casual sex with Guys DAMN! But seriously folkls...I am in the same situation and have a difficult time deciding which head to use for thinking at times as well. Personally I feel very uncomfortable staying over or having her stay over. Even though I am divorced, I do value the institution of marraige and I do not think this sets a good example for the kids. I dated a woman once and she had a 15 yr old daughter and a 17 yr old son. She wanted me there and I would not. I am sure her daughter does not want to see me in the morning and it set a bad example for her son. Her counter was that it shows them a loving relationship. I can see that, but I don't think sleeping together should be THE defining attribute of a loving relationship. Besides what 17 yr old boy wants to have it rubbed in his nose that mom's getting laid more often than he is? I have found that most women today have some sort of shared custody with the other parent and we plan our sleepovers on those days. Yes it is inconvenient, but I feel a lot better about myself for self enforcing that rule on me. Yes my kids know I date, my son probably knows I have cheap casual sex (but not with Merin of course ) J/K, but they know I have a serious girlfriend and I am sure they surmise some things--and some things are best left unsaid. Now if the woman has 100% custody, well then I guess I would be resigned to the life of sneaking out in the middle of the night. Some friends have worked it out where the visiting peerson ends up on the couch the following morning--oh we watched a movie and he was sooo tired. That could work.
tiki Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I have found that most women today have some sort of shared custody with the other parent and we plan our sleepovers on those days. Yes it is inconvenient, but I feel a lot better about myself for self enforcing that rule on me. True. If you're that in love, try marriage.
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