Babygirl03 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I'm sorry that this is so long! I have known this guy for a year but only as school and Facebook acquaintances. While I was away from school he started messaging me and finding out about me. As soon as I got back he asked me out and even though we had flirted before I didn't think anything would happen as he's not my type physically. But the date was great as was the second and third. He started acting like we were together right away. And he always talked about the fact that as he got older he felt it was time for babies and he talked about us in future tense. After that he asked me to go out of town with him because he had extra space and he was paying for it. We spent 4 days together and it was fantastic. I have only met one other man that I was so compatible with so I was very excited. And he seemed like a great guy. So sweet and we liked the same things and had almost the exact same views about life. When we got back he didn't have a lot of time but I respected that and just said we'll hang out when we both have time. So we saw each other once or twice a week. I don't think I acted clingy but after a while when I said something sweet to him he seemed to pull back or ignore it. He didn't become distant the way most people do. He always texted me every morning and came to see me at school. Always very touchy-feely.The only issues we had were that he is really self-deprecating and over thought it when we first started having sex. He couldn't get an erection the first few times and later it upset him that I haven't had an ***** during sex with him yet. He talked about a female friend of his a lot but it never seemed inappropriate. I started to wonder if he was using me to make this girl jealous but I thought I was being paranoid. Also I am unemployed and if I don't find something soon I may have to leave the country. He mentioned that was a problem for him because he didn't want to get attached if I had to leave. He comes across as really genuine and decent so I believed him. And I can usually tell when a guy is full of it. I did not get the impression that he was one of those guys at all. After about a month, we went for dinner one night and he started telling me about how he was having problems with his emotions and couldn't feel attachment to people anymore. He said he's bad at expressing his emotions. So I asked did he want to stop seeing me? He acted like he wasn't sure but then asked me what I thought of our relationship. And said he didn't want me to start feeling bad when he started acting cold towards me. I also have a hard time expressing my feelings so I said there is no point in two people dating and having a wall up. He agreed but said he loves hanging out with me we just shouldn't have sex anymore. He tried to keep in touch after that but I started ignoring him because I felt like his little speech was complete BS. I have no idea what actually went wrong. A couple of weeks later, I was flirting with a guy and he was flirting with a girl he's known for a while, trying to get into her pants right in front of me! And I'm thinking so you don't want a casual relationship or even a real relationship and yet here you are! He always swore he wasn't that kind of guy and he never seemed like he was. Could I have been that wrong about the kind of person he is? Does it sound like he was playing games with me all along or using me to make other girls want him? The thought of that hurts because I had strong feelings for him very quickly. He seemed like the guy I always looked for.
spiderowl Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I don't know what this guy's intention was but a couple things do stand out: - He was always very touchy feely - He says he is bad at expressing emotions and hinted pretty strongly that he was going to become cold towards you This, plus the fact that he was flirting with someone right in front of you suggests to me that he has no empathy. He does sound manipulative, saying the right things at the right time and making the right moves - taking you away somewhere nice so the two of you could be alone together. Now he's not so interested and seems to be moving on. I suspect that he might not having been playing with you but is at the least a serial dater, someone who doesn't get emotionally attached and will move from one girl to the next. He knows how to get a girl but is not into any deep kind of relationship. I think you are best writing him off as an experience and try to avoid similar types in future. Flirting, romantic overtures, fun, creativity and charm are not the same as empathy.
Author Babygirl03 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 Spider owl - I do see how my post could sound like that but I'm not sure if I got his character across because it's limited space and my post is still really long! Normally this guy is considered by people to be overly empathetic. He's vegan because he hates animals being slaughtered and gets upset when animals are hurt no matter how disgusting the animal. One of my favorite memories was us seeing a rat get hit by a car and him being sad about it! He stayed with his ex for a long time because he said the thought of hurting her gave him so much anxiety. Even his love for children - we're talking about an ex-school teacher, who picked his second college major so he could do something to help humanity. He's genuinely nice to everyone. I guess its possible that this is all an act but it's kind of what he's known for. He's also not slick or charming in the traditional sense. He's actually a bit awkward - I just liked everything about him! Mostly if you asked people at school - charismatic and charming are not really things they would say about him. More like nice, nerdy and funny. I've known a lot of people with personality disorders like NPD and he just doesn't seem to fit the bill. The flirting in front of me felt terrible but he would say I flirted in front of him first. I was just surprised to see him acting that way with a girl since he is usually "not that kind of guy". But we were both really drunk. But again I guess he could have been playing me all month.
Author Babygirl03 Posted December 12, 2016 Author Posted December 12, 2016 Also the trip we took he felt weird about asking me to go on because it really was a coincidence that his friends backed out last minute. It was either me or go alone! Maybe it's more like, he just lost the feeling for me somehow. In which case you're right, I should write it off because either way he's moving on. I'm just going crazy wondering what happened between us. Now I have to deal with the reality that I may never find another person who is that much like me. Ugh depressing!
Author Babygirl03 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Shortening this in an attempt to get some answers! While I was away from school a guy I knew from school started messaging me and finding out about me on Facebook. When I got back he asked me out but I didn't think anything would happen as he's not my type physically. But the date was great as was the second and third. He started acting like we were a couple right away even paying for us to go out of town. I have only met one other man that I was so compatible with and everything seemed great. And he seemed like a great, sweet guy. We saw each other once or twice a week. I don't think I acted clingy but after a while when I said something sweet to him he seemed to pull back or ignore it. He still texted me every morning and came to see me at school. Always very touchy-feely.The only issues we had were that he is really self-deprecating and a little insecure about our sex life. Another thing was he talked about a female friend of his a lot but it never seemed inappropriate. I started to wonder if he was using me to make this girl jealous but I thought I was being paranoid. Also I am unemployed and if I don't find something soon I may have to leave the country. He mentioned that was a problem for him because he didn't want to get attached if I had to leave. He comes across as really genuine and decent so I believed him. And I can usually tell when a guy is full of it. I did not get the impression that he was one of those guys at all. After just a little over a month, we went for dinner one night and had a conversation about his inability to connect normally. It sounded like some fear of intimacy that he says came from some traumatic experience in his past. I pushed him to say if he wanted to end things. He agreed but said he loves hanging out with me we just shouldn't have sex anymore. He tried to keep in touch after that but I started ignoring him because I felt like his little speech was complete BS. I have no idea what actually went wrong. A couple of weeks later, I was flirting with a guy and then he was flirting with a girl he's known for a while, trying to get into her pants right in front of me! And I'm thinking so you don't want a casual relationship or even a real relationship and yet here you are! He always swore he wasn't that kind of guy and he never seemed like he was. Could I have been that wrong about the kind of person he is? Does it sound like he was playing games with me all along or using me to make other girls want him?
ToBePampered Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 Hi love, This is my very first answer on the site! I'm in need of dating advice myself, but I hope I can help! Run!!!!!! Did I say run? Yeah, RUNNNN!!!!! Trust me, this is no good. The inconsistenncy and emotional problems that he is wxhibit will not go away unfortunately they will only get worse. In my opinion he truly does have some type of emotional social issues, but he is also using them to manipulate you. He may be a narcissist. Do some research on dating a narcissit and you may be surprised. When he says you shouldn't be having sex, believe him. Pull away, it's for your good. He will come running back as soon as you do so. This is a game that he is playing whether consciously or not. What I have learned is that when someone likes you, you'll know it. There won't be any of this mind screw stuff. You never have to change anyone, or help people with their problems in order for them to show their emotions to you. You are only responsible for you and how you feel.
Author Babygirl03 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Hi love, This is my very first answer on the site! I'm in need of dating advice myself, but I hope I can help! Run!!!!!! Did I say run? Yeah, RUNNNN!!!!! Trust me, this is no good. The inconsistenncy and emotional problems that he is wxhibit will not go away unfortunately they will only get worse. In my opinion he truly does have some type of emotional social issues, but he is also using them to manipulate you. He may be a narcissist. Do some research on dating a narcissit and you may be surprised. When he says you shouldn't be having sex, believe him. Pull away, it's for your good. He will come running back as soon as you do so. This is a game that he is playing whether consciously or not. What I have learned is that when someone likes you, you'll know it. There won't be any of this mind screw stuff. You never have to change anyone, or help people with their problems in order for them to show their emotions to you. You are only responsible for you and how you feel. Thank you for that! I needed to hear that I should just stay away from him. I agree with you said about the mind screw and just getting over him. I'm not sure about the narcissism that you and others are getting from what I said. I have dated narcissists before and my mother is one so I do provide narcissistic supply but I also feel like I'm experiencing PTSD when I'm with them. When I get away from narcissistic boyfriends I'm sad as a natural reaction but then I realize I have so much less anxiety and I never want them back. And this guy hated for me to give him the reassurance that narcissists typically crave. He couldn't handle a compliment. He definitely has some mental issue - maybe Borderline or insecurity and fear of intimacy? Either way I'll try to get over him. Not hard as he's not actually coming after me. I imagine it will be another 5 or 10 years before I find a guy that I have so much in common with again. Ugh!
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