Christmas with the ex; bad idea or not?

[dpass]

I (34) have been dating a woman (29) for almost 1 year. She is my best friend's ex and they share a 8 year old child together. They are on good terms, her ex is married. Everyone is fine with the arrangement, her ex is the one who set it up.

 

Because they are close and on good terms they always do Christmas, and other holidays, together. Their son loves it and it's good for him. They have been split up pretty much his whole life.

 

Basically what they do is this... Christmas Eve they go to her ex's parents house, have dinner, watch movies, play games, etc. Stay overnight then get up with the kids Christmas morning. Do the typical breakfast, presets, spend time together until around 3:00 when the rest of the family comes over for Christmas Dinner.

 

Ive known her ex for 15 years. We have always been best friends. His family has never been thrilled with the idea of his best friend dating his ex. When I have seen them they have been rude and I've gone out of my way to avoid them. Her ex says they've gotten over it.

 

My girlfriend really wants me there, I have skipped every other holiday. Before we started dating she was single for 6 years and was always bothered by her ex's family about it. Now that we're together and I keep skipping, they bug her about that. Everyone is "coupled up" except her. I've been invited by her and her ex. But it is in her ex's parents house, there will be 10 adults and 14 kids there overnight, about 30 more for dinner. I'm not well liked. It seems disrespectful to be in their house.

 

Is it a bad idea or am I pussying out? I know I can't keep avoiding holidays with her.

[dpass]

I never would have thought to date her if my friend/her ex didn't suggest it. I have never dated a friend's ex. He knew that she liked me and had since we met 10 years ago, even through their relationship. He was totally moved on, married with kids. They will always be in each other's lives because of the child. He doesn't care at all. Sometimes it's a bit awkward, but there is no anger or jealously.

 

But yeah, if I'm not welcome in their home I don't want to be there. My girlfriend said they invited me, and my friend/her ex said to go. The siblings and cousins all go with their partners/spouse. So it's my girlfriend that is always the odd one out. Even if they did invite me, I don't think they really want me there. I don't want the day/s ruined because I showed up. She's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't really. I go and it might be an issue, I don't go and she gets bugged and upset.

 

Christmas is really important to her. It's her son's favorite holiday. Growing up it was very important to her family and her favorite.

[smackie9]

I say suck it up and make the best of it....by avoiding the dinner makes you look more of an ass than if you did show up.

 

Remember people respond to whatever vibe you give off....so if you are pleasant and open, their attitude about you will change.

[Satu]

You should go, and hold your head up, knowing that you have just as much right to be there as anyone else present.

 

 

Take care.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You should go, and hold your head up, knowing that you have just as much right to be there as anyone else present.

 

Take care.

 

I don't totally disagree. He does have 'as much right' to be there. From what I gather, you were invited by the ex who organized(izes) the gatherings, so you should go. BUT...are the parents completely aware and comfortable with you being there? It will be in their house.

 

You say that they have asked why you don't show up. Is that to rub it in and make the ex-wife feel uncomfortable or genuine interest in seeing you there. You also say that you are not liked? It sounds very possible that they, at least the parents, have come around and accepted the relationship. You are not at all responsible for your gf's and her ex's relationship failure. So no need for guilt. I still think it odd that your gf's ex would encourage you, his bf, to date her.....hmmm....

 

My first thought was to stay out of that mucky pool of unhealthy feelings (wherever they are coming from), but it would really be supportive to your gf and the boy.

 

Go for it and try to enjoy yourself. As strange as it may seem, the discomfort is mostly on the family members who have not accepted and in reality, their feelings are not nearly as important as your gf's, her son, and the ex.

[bachdude]

I say go.

 

 

If this relationship has any future, they are going to have to get used to it anyway. You might as well start now.

 

 

And you never know, it may turn out great.

 

 

And if it goes badly, well, at least you tried.

[elaine567]

Do you really see this relationship as going somewhere?

In October you had been sleeping with another woman, is she still around?

If you are unsure of this relationship then stay away.

Nothing worse than guys who get all involved with kids and relatives and who by doing that imply they are "serious", when the reality is they are seeing other people on the side.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Do you really see this relationship as going somewhere?

In October you had been sleeping with another woman, is she still around?

If you are unsure of this relationship then stay away.

Nothing worse than guys who get all involved with kids and relatives and who by doing that imply they are "serious", when the reality is they are seeing other people on the side.

 

Interesting. I just read that thread. Interesting indeed.

[puzzledfemale]

Spend the holidays with them! If some people don't accept you, well they will have to start accepting you. Your GF and her son will appreciate you being there too.

[dpass]

I have the ability to go, be confident and be happy about it. I know his family well, we use to get along well and I've spent a lot of time with them. Basically lived there sometimes. What I don't know is how much crap I can put up with, if it happens. They can be rude to me, I can deal with it. I can't keep my mouth shut if they are being rude to her.

 

I use to get along with her ex's/my friends family. We had no issues whatsoever. It was when I started seeing her that his family decided they didn't like me. Her ex has said they invited me and my GF said they asked if I was going. So they know I might be there. Whether they want me there or not, I don't know. When they ask my GF questions they are generally being rude.

 

I can go and have a good time, if they allow it. Worst case I can leave if it gets too bad I suppose. Or only go for part of it. Like only the dinner instead of the night before and staying over. It would feel odd sleeping with her in they house.

 

It would mean a lot to my gf if I went, and her son. I have known her son since he was born. If I wasn't serious about her I wouldn't go.

[dpass]

Do you really see this relationship as going somewhere?

In October you had been sleeping with another woman, is she still around?

If you are unsure of this relationship then stay away.

Nothing worse than guys who get all involved with kids and relatives and who by doing that imply they are "serious", when the reality is they are seeing other people on the side.

 

If I wasn't sure of the relationship I wouldn't consider going and I wouldn't be around her son this way.

 

My GF is aware and in agreement of what goes on behind closed doors.

[amaysngrace]

If they can't put their differences aside for the sake of the child, your GF's son, then they really aren't classy enough to worry about what they think.

 

Just go if it'd be in the best interest of the child. Let them see for themselves what a caring guy you've turned out to be.

[dpass]

I have the ex's parents phone number, I use to talk to the mom often. Should I call her and talk to her about it, letting her know if like to go and making sure they are aware? Or just show up with my GF.

[kgcolonel]

I have the ex's parents phone number, I use to talk to the mom often. Should I call her and talk to her about it, letting her know if like to go and making sure they are aware? Or just show up with my GF.

 

This, from reading the thread, would be the mature thing to do....telling her that you respect their home and don't want to create any issues within the home especially at Christmas time. I would also tell your buddy and your GF that you're going to do this.

[dpass]

Well, I made that phone call today. The general response was that I am welcome to go to the dinner, on Christmas Day, but I am not welcome to go Christmas Eve and stay overnight with the rest of the family and their spouses/partners. The mom basically said that she doesn't think it's appropriate having me there overnight [because I'm her son's friend]. My GF is upset about it, she wanted me there for it all, and especially Christmas morning. She's done it "alone" for a long time now. But it is what it is. Their house, their rules. I can't show up on Christmas Eve when I was clearly told I'm not welcome. Christmas Dinner with 50-60 people who know me as the friend won't be fun, but probably needs to be done. Before the conversation ended his mom said they expect me to be respectful and not "flaunt" our relationship inappropriately. So I'm welcome, for the dinner, but not as her boyfriend - essentially.

[mrs rubble]

Where are her parents? Why doesn't she spend Christmas with them? Where is your family? Why don't you spend Christmas with them?

Why does Christmas revolve around your girlfriend's ex's parents and not hers? I find the whole situation a bit bizarre.

Maybe you should invite the ex and the kid's and your parents and hers to your place for Christmas.

[dpass]

My GF's parents live fairly far away so it isn't easy to go to them on Christmas. They live in the middle of nowhere and no family is around. No one likes driving on Christmas, it's not safe. So they never do Christmas on Christmas Day. We are supposed to see them this coming Sunday. They as well, don't like me because I'm the ex's friend. They think it's disrespectful and shows I'm a bad guy. My family does Ukrainian Christmas.

 

My GF and her ex share all holidays. That is what they decided on and what is court ordered. On the important holidays, they spend the day together with their son. Neither of them want to give up holidays and it is important to their son.

 

I don't really think it revolves around the ex's parents. Their family (the whole family) has always been very big on Christmas, I've spent a few with them before I started seeing my GF. All of their kids, the spouses and grand-kids, cousins get together on Christmas Eve and stay overnight. It's about 10 couples + their kids. The parents are very well off and have a large house. They can accommodate everyone plus the 30 other people who come for Christmas Dinner. No one else in the family has a house that accommodates 50-60 people. My GF goes because they still see her like family and her son loves going.

 

If there was a way to work around it, that would be great but there really isn't. My GF doesn't like going, she does it for her son. She always feels like the odd one out.

 

Part of dating someone with a kid...

[impasse]

Do you really see this relationship as going somewhere?

My GF is aware and in agreement of what goes on behind closed doors.

 

And is your best friend, who set you up with his son's mother, aware that you are cheating? I somehow doubt he'd want you spending time with his family if he knew.

[dpass]

And is your best friend, who set you up with his son's mother, aware that you are cheating? I somehow doubt he'd want you spending time with his family if he knew.

 

The details of our relationship are none of his business. How I treat their son is, but the rest... no.

[darkmoon]

you must go on the day, be polite and friendly...

 

there's usually a misfit or two, a kindred spirit then, to chat to, it is a kid's big day, i think a lot of adults struggle with emotional politics when all thrown togeter, tbh, you can't expect too much

[dpass]

Going was an absolute disaster.

 

So the plans were to go on Christmas Eve, have dinner, stay overnight, open presents, then have a large (60 people) family dinner. About 30 hours at her ex's parents house. When I talked to the parents they said I wasn't invited to go Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, but could go to the family dinner. My GF was upset because she has done it alone for 6-7 years.

 

On Christmas Eve I dropped my GF and her son off at the parents house. I dropped her off because the roads aren't great and my truck does far better than her car. I didn't go inside their house, or even leave the car.

 

As soon as my GF got there they started throwing punches and trying to hide them as jokes. She was quite upset and texted me a little bit. She was close to coming home and missing Christmas with her son entirely. The criticize everything. What she wore, what time she came, the wrapping paper she used, that I wasn't man enough to go - even though I was told I wasn't welcome. It ridiculous because before we got together they treated her like a daughter. They were a little bit rude, but nothing like this. Their son, her ex, has said many times that he doesn't care that we're together. He's married, has other kids, totally moved on.

 

All night they made her feel left out and unimportant. They were playing board games and chose ones with player limits and purposely didn't included her. With adults and kids there would have been about 25 people there Christmas Eve. When they were having dinner they have place cards for where people would sit. They put hers at the end of the table next to a couple empty chairs. Her ex and his wife were cuddled on the couch and her ex's mom said something like "that could have been you if you would have been better". At night, when everyone was sleeping over, she was the only adult who was alone. Every other sibling/cousin had their partner or spouse there. A comment was made about permanently putting her in a single [because she won't find anyone].

 

My GF and her ex have set up spending limits for holidays and birthdays so that they son doesn't get bombarded with gifts and either parent doesn't try to outdo the other. Grandparents follow the same rule. They agreed on a $250 spending limit each, and $100 for grandparents. They both staying within that limit but her ex's parents spent thousands. They put her ex's name on some gifts, including a $1,000 iPad and a snowmobile. Then turned around and said I only got him a $50 gift and it's because I'm not serious about the relationship.

 

The gifts that my GF got her son were pushed to the side and her ex's parents get pushing him to open what they got him. Her ex is a momma's boy and goes along with it. When her son did open one of her gifts, the grandparents would push another one that they got him.

 

I went over on Christmas for dinner, even though I didn't think it was a good idea at that point. During dinner someone asked how we met and her ex's mom jumped in and explained rudely. Then someone else tried asking for generic questions about me and again her ex's mom jumped in and said not to bother because I won't be around much longer. The exact phrase was "She just brought him around so she wasn't alone for Christmas, guess she couldn't find her own man. After 6 years she had to go to (her ex's) best friend, he'll realize that he doesn't want (her ex's) seconds soon enough. Next year a different one of (ex's) friends will be sitting here".

 

The comment that hurt her the most was that I'd leave her soon. Our relationship has its problems and me ending the relationship is something that she worries about a lot. She was single for 6 years while actively trying to find someone, she doesn't need a reminder of that. I tried hard to keep my mouth shut and be polite. There is only so much that I can handle. I asked her ex's mom to step aside and talk. I tried to be nice about it but when she told me that a real man wouldn't date their best friends ex I made a rude comment about her son and who the real man was, and decided to leave.

 

Every time that I'd try and do anything with her son her ex's parents parents would step in and say to let his real dad do that. They have never acted like that with her ex's wife.

 

I told her that holidays need to be done separate from now on. It's not healthy for anyone to have so much animosity. Her ex's parents use to be the nicest people. I spent so much time with them and basically lived there as a teenager. Now I wouldn't even recognize them. They have thought that her being single for 6 years after the break up was something to make jokes about and made her extremely self conscious. They have made her cry so many times. She thinks it's what's best for their son and slaps on a happy face, but it needs to end. She finally agreed.

 

I hate to say it, but the families make it difficult to want to stay in the relationship. Her family isn't a heck of a lot better. They aren't as obviously rude, but they don't like me. They think it's distasteful to be with your friends ex. I feel like she deserves better than having families on either side hating her for who she is with. It's issue after issue in this relationship and we find ways to work through them but this problem doesn't seem to have a fix. It's not fair to her either way. Having family treat her like crap, or leaving her because of her family. She is desperately holding on to the relationship.