KSProf Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I have been dating a woman for the last 8 months. We are both in our 40s. We both have been married before. In my past relationship, my now ex wife left me for another man. Now with my current gilfriend....She was married for many years before she met me. Her marriage dissolved because the ex husband fell out of love with her, and because she had an affair on him with another man. She would text him and lie to her ex husband who she was talking to. She openly came out early in the relationship and, in tears, told me about her infidelity. Throughout the years, her and her affair partner have remained friends. They text every few months. With my past relationship, I was cheated on by my ex wife, leaving lingering insecurity issues. Through friends, family, and a great counselor, I became strong again. So when my now girlfriend told me this early in our relationship, I got nervous but appreciated the honesty. I didn't want to be controlling, so I didn't object to them texting. We've always been good communicators. I told her I wouldn't be comfortable if her former affair partner wanted to get together and visit with her in person. She assured me continuously she never thought he would ask, and would respect me and say no if he did ask. Well recently, she told me he texted and he asked if he could stop and visit her at her house. Her immediate response to him was she thought it would be okay, and it would be fun to catch up on things. I was shocked. She told me this and showed me the messages. She told me she was sorry, and cried. She says she loves me. I feel betrayed, and have lost some trust in my girlfriend. I told her that if they met, after she always told me they wouldn't, then it would seriously put a strain on our relationship. She cried again and promised to tell him she has reconsidered about having him come over. That she wouldn't do it, that she can't lose me. That was a week ago and still no contact back with him. Am I overreacting here? What do I do now? I care about her deeply, but my trust is shaken after she told me one thing and did another. I don't feel anything good can come out of this man visiting her. She said she can't stop being his friend, and he's one of her favorite people. A few months ago she messaged him because she felt badly for not talking to him. He just seems to sit back in the background and occupies my thoughts and concerns. I've never told her she can't talk to people, out of respect. I want her to respect me with this guy and my feelings. It's a very possible deal breaker for me. I am worried about their past, and him contacting her in this manner. Please help give me some advice. Am I wrong for having these concerns? What do I do now? Thanks.
BTDT2012 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I have been dating a woman for the last 8 months. We are both in our 40s. We both have been married before. In my past relationship, my now ex wife left me for another man. Now with my current gilfriend....She was married for many years before she met me. Her marriage dissolved because the ex husband fell out of love with her, and because she had an affair on him with another man. She would text him and lie to her ex husband who she was talking to. She openly came out early in the relationship and, in tears, told me about her infidelity. Throughout the years, her and her affair partner have remained friends. They text every few months. With my past relationship, I was cheated on by my ex wife, leaving lingering insecurity issues. Through friends, family, and a great counselor, I became strong again. So when my now girlfriend told me this early in our relationship, I got nervous but appreciated the honesty. I didn't want to be controlling, so I didn't object to them texting. We've always been good communicators. I told her I wouldn't be comfortable if her former affair partner wanted to get together and visit with her in person. She assured me continuously she never thought he would ask, and would respect me and say no if he did ask. Well recently, she told me he texted and he asked if he could stop and visit her at her house. Her immediate response to him was she thought it would be okay, and it would be fun to catch up on things. I was shocked. She told me this and showed me the messages. She told me she was sorry, and cried. She says she loves me. I feel betrayed, and have lost some trust in my girlfriend. I told her that if they met, after she always told me they wouldn't, then it would seriously put a strain on our relationship. She cried again and promised to tell him she has reconsidered about having him come over. That she wouldn't do it, that she can't lose me. That was a week ago and still no contact back with him. Am I overreacting here? What do I do now? I care about her deeply, but my trust is shaken after she told me one thing and did another. I don't feel anything good can come out of this man visiting her. She said she can't stop being his friend, and he's one of her favorite people. A few months ago she messaged him because she felt badly for not talking to him. He just seems to sit back in the background and occupies my thoughts and concerns. I've never told her she can't talk to people, out of respect. I want her to respect me with this guy and my feelings. It's a very possible deal breaker for me. I am worried about their past, and him contacting her in this manner. Please help give me some advice. Am I wrong for having these concerns? What do I do now? Thanks. No, you are not wrong for having these thoughts. Why is it that she and the AP didn't get together after her divorce? 6
NTV Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 Your concerns are more than valid. I'd run if I were in your shoes. As fast as I could. 7
Author KSProf Posted December 11, 2016 Author Posted December 11, 2016 Not really sure. But I'm happy to report she made contact with him and made it right with us. Happy.
Clay Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 You have every reason to be concerned. If she really learned from her from her affair she would have learned to have heathy boundaries. She also would have distanced herself from someone that helped her destroy her marriage. I doubt seriously your relationship with her will last. There is a reason so many people say once a cheater always a cheater. It's do to the fact so many people never learn and repeat the same horrible choices. If you want to stay with her I would tel her that her relationship with him is her choice but as long as she has him in her life you may need to take steps back away from her for your own sanity. I personally would end it. She has already given you three serious red flags and it sounds like she still has a thing for him if her first choice is to say yes instead of thinking of you and your feelings. Good luck C 7
fenix Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 Just one advise, tell your gf to stop all contact with ex AP if you want the ex part To keep being ex and not just AP again .... 4
sandylee1 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 (edited) I think you should end it with her. Her contoured friendship with her former OM, shows no remorse for the affair and I do feel cheating can be a character flaw. Don't invest any more time in this relationship. She can't be trusted. Plus she's pretty much told you she's not giving him up as a friend. You're not her priority. Find a better woman, with morals. Edited December 11, 2016 by sandylee1 Eta 5
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I'd take it one day at a time but definitely let her know that how you felt about their relationship early on has changed as you two got closer and now you're uncomfortable with them meeting up. Are you one of her favorite people too?
Cephalopod Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I think you should end it with her. Her contoured friendship with her former OM, shows no remorse for the affair and I do feel cheating can be a character flaw. Don't invest any more time in this relationship. She can't be trusted. Plus she's pretty much told you she's not giving him up as a friend. You're not her priority. Find a better woman, with morals. THIS.... Your girlfriend is either the dumbest woman on the planet, or she is so morally vacuous that it really did not register with her that what she was considering is so far off the pale as to be laughable. This is the man who helped her put the death bullet into her marriage. You would have to be mad to continue with this woman. You are setting yourself up for some serious hurt down the road. Walk away. 7
DKT3 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 People that cheat have internal issues when it comes to relationships and lack strong boundaries. They love to blame the cheating on the spouses or this fantasy of soulmates or star crossed lovers of course it's all BS, they are the problem. As such the other issues don't end with the marriage. What you have is a woman who lacks boundaries. She seem to want to do right by you but since she can't enforce boundaries she will eventually burn you. Barring of course she addresses the issue which she clearly hasn't to this point. 9
Zenstudent Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Nothing good will come from this. Walk away. Consider yourself lucky that the red flags appeared now instead of years down the road. Cut your losses before you invest further. 3
road Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 She has not learned anything from her past cheating. She refuses NC with the OM. She is not relationship material. Run Forest Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. 2
Just a Guy Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Hi KS, lots of good advice for you here. It is clear your GF has not learnt a thing from her infidelity and the breakup of her marriage. That part is on her. More importantly, what have you learnt from your wife's infidelity and the breakup of your marriage? Yes your GF was upfront I'm telling you about her infidelity and that she was still friends with the OM. But after that she had displayed a lack of judgement and low value for her relationship with you. This OM is always going to be the elephant in the room if you marry this woman and she chooses to keep him as a friend. One would think that you would heed the advice contained in the adage 'Once bitten twice shy' but it seems you are wavering instead of being firm in your choices and decisions. K wonder if this lady attended IC after her marriage broke up and her infidelity was revealed? If not then that is something you should insist on before you consider hitching your wagon to her. Warm wishes.
Bufo Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Be thankful that she was honest with you. But IMHO that's about the only good point in your post. Don't waste your time playing detective, either. You know all you need to know.
sandylee1 Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I think you should end it with her. Her contouredfriendship with her former OM, shows no remorse for the affair and I do feel cheating can be a character flaw. Don't invest any more time in this relationship. She can't be trusted. Plus she's pretty much told you she's not giving him up as a friend. You're not her priority. Find a better woman, with morals. Damn predictive text. That should be continued
BluesPower Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Let me guess. OM is married? Dump her, bottom line. If she did not sleep with him last time she will in the future.
bigman1 Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 ksprof, I don't say this to hurt you, but dude, you gotta stop and get some help. Your self-worth is crap. Your picker is broken, and you are just a Mr. Nice Guy. you said your first wife left you for another man. So, she cheated on you and you stuck around. She left you. That says volumes. How many chances did you give her hoping she'd stay? This new woman does not have to pay for the sins of the first, but you don't have to repeat the pattern. New girl is a cheater. Bad choice. New girl still is in contact with her old AP. Bad choice. New girl tells AP he can drop by after you had set out a legitimate barrier given that she is a cheater in contact with her AP. She crosses it with ease. You voice displeasure and then ask for help. Well, help is here. It says run. Resist your nice guy default. A little pain now vs a lot later. Get you fixed and soon you will see that there are plenty of available non broken women out there. Or don't. 3
fenix Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I am afraid that OP is gone... and I am afraid he won't see the danger in the place where he is sitting. tic tac... booom! 1
understand50 Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 KSProf, I am going to give a opposing view from most. The fact that she open and admitted her infidelity with her Ex husband shows she know she was the one to have screwed up. This is remorse. She also knows the consequences of what she did. You are not clear on just what the level of commitment is with her. You state she is a girl friend. Are you exclusive? Do you plan to marry? I think this is a big question, because, at our age we all have a past. (do not want a spouse with a past? marry by age 18, and today you still can not be really sure) Your level of commitment to each other has a huge barring here. If you are just FWB, or a loosely boy friend girl friend relationship, compared to a couple thinking about marriage makes a huge difference. So what is the level of commitment? Her past is her own unless it impacts the present relationship. She let you know what was going on with her EX OM, and then worked to assure you that nothing was going on. It wall maybe that she kept in touch with her Ex OM, because he was the only one that would provide any comfort after her break up. I think your past is also coloring your relationship with her, and you should keep that in mind. You were burned, and that is never forgotten. You are always going to have some trust issues going forward. I am not one of those people who believes "once a cheater, always a cheater". We have too many examples of couples who have reconciled and gone on to long happy marriages after infidelity, and of course those that have divorced. Full disclosure, my G/F, now wife, cheated on me before we were married. I forgave her, and took a leap of faith, and we have had 40 plus years, and many grandchildren to boot. Look, keep in mind both your pasts, but do not allow the possibility of a good future to slip away. Judge her, as she should you, on her actions in the here and now. She may be the one. She has had one hell of a life lesson, and can use that, not to make the same mistakes with you. I wish you luck....
aliveagain Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I have been dating a woman for the last 8 months. We are both in our 40s. We both have been married before. In my past relationship, my now ex wife left me for another man. Now with my current gilfriend....She was married for many years before she met me. Her marriage dissolved because the ex husband fell out of love with her, and because she had an affair on him with another man. She would text him and lie to her ex husband who she was talking to. She openly came out early in the relationship and, in tears, told me about her infidelity. Throughout the years, her and her affair partner have remained friends. They text every few months. With my past relationship, I was cheated on by my ex wife, leaving lingering insecurity issues. Through friends, family, and a great counselor, I became strong again. So when my now girlfriend told me this early in our relationship, I got nervous but appreciated the honesty. I didn't want to be controlling, so I didn't object to them texting. We've always been good communicators. I told her I wouldn't be comfortable if her former affair partner wanted to get together and visit with her in person. She assured me continuously she never thought he would ask, and would respect me and say no if he did ask. Well recently, she told me he texted and he asked if he could stop and visit her at her house. Her immediate response to him was she thought it would be okay, and it would be fun to catch up on things. I was shocked. She told me this and showed me the messages. She told me she was sorry, and cried. She says she loves me. I feel betrayed, and have lost some trust in my girlfriend. I told her that if they met, after she always told me they wouldn't, then it would seriously put a strain on our relationship. She cried again and promised to tell him she has reconsidered about having him come over. That she wouldn't do it, that she can't lose me. That was a week ago and still no contact back with him. Am I overreacting here? What do I do now? I care about her deeply, but my trust is shaken after she told me one thing and did another. I don't feel anything good can come out of this man visiting her. She said she can't stop being his friend, and he's one of her favorite people. A few months ago she messaged him because she felt badly for not talking to him. He just seems to sit back in the background and occupies my thoughts and concerns. I've never told her she can't talk to people, out of respect. I want her to respect me with this guy and my feelings. It's a very possible deal breaker for me. I am worried about their past, and him contacting her in this manner. Please help give me some advice. Am I wrong for having these concerns? What do I do now? Thanks. The bolded area's are major red flags. She broke her promise that she would say no if he asked to visit her and in fact never consulted you about his visit until she agreed that he could visit her. She has a problem honouring boundaries and promises which is going to be a very serious problem for your relationship knowing both your histories. This girl needs counselling before you go too much further with her. Don't even think about marrying her without having a bullet proof prenuptial agreement in place with her. She just let slip who she really is, believe her. 1
40somethingGuy Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 I have been dating a woman for the last 8 months. We are both in our 40s. We both have been married before. In my past relationship, my now ex wife left me for another man. Now with my current gilfriend....She was married for many years before she met me. Her marriage dissolved because the ex husband fell out of love with her, and because she had an affair on him with another man. She would text him and lie to her ex husband who she was talking to. She openly came out early in the relationship and, in tears, told me about her infidelity. Throughout the years, her and her affair partner have remained friends. They text every few months. With my past relationship, I was cheated on by my ex wife, leaving lingering insecurity issues. Through friends, family, and a great counselor, I became strong again. So when my now girlfriend told me this early in our relationship, I got nervous but appreciated the honesty. I didn't want to be controlling, so I didn't object to them texting. We've always been good communicators. I told her I wouldn't be comfortable if her former affair partner wanted to get together and visit with her in person. She assured me continuously she never thought he would ask, and would respect me and say no if he did ask. Well recently, she told me he texted and he asked if he could stop and visit her at her house. Her immediate response to him was she thought it would be okay, and it would be fun to catch up on things. I was shocked. She told me this and showed me the messages. She told me she was sorry, and cried. She says she loves me. I feel betrayed, and have lost some trust in my girlfriend. I told her that if they met, after she always told me they wouldn't, then it would seriously put a strain on our relationship. She cried again and promised to tell him she has reconsidered about having him come over. That she wouldn't do it, that she can't lose me. That was a week ago and still no contact back with him. Am I overreacting here? What do I do now? I care about her deeply, but my trust is shaken after she told me one thing and did another. I don't feel anything good can come out of this man visiting her. She said she can't stop being his friend, and he's one of her favorite people. A few months ago she messaged him because she felt badly for not talking to him. He just seems to sit back in the background and occupies my thoughts and concerns. I've never told her she can't talk to people, out of respect. I want her to respect me with this guy and my feelings. It's a very possible deal breaker for me. I am worried about their past, and him contacting her in this manner. Please help give me some advice. Am I wrong for having these concerns? What do I do now? Thanks. OMG you can call yourself 'strong' all you want but all you did is tolerate being her doormat. In fact, you are giving her permission to have an EA with the OM which is equally as bad as a PA. Why can't you set strict boundries of what is OK or not? Allowing them to have text sex without getting together is basically saying it is OK to have an affair which is why she thought she could make an exception. This OM is who she concentrates her feelings on and you are complicit to allowing that to happen. Maybe she cant have him due to a relationship so you get to be the sit in. And maybe this pattern is why your wife left you in the 1st place- you are being very weak and tolerant of the intolerable. 2
DKT3 Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 KSProf, I am going to give a opposing view from most. The fact that she open and admitted her infidelity with her Ex husband shows she know she was the one to have screwed up. This is remorse. She also knows the consequences of what she did. You are not clear on just what the level of commitment is with her. You state she is a girl friend. Are you exclusive? Do you plan to marry? I think this is a big question, because, at our age we all have a past. (do not want a spouse with a past? marry by age 18, and today you still can not be really sure) Your level of commitment to each other has a huge barring here. If you are just FWB, or a loosely boy friend girl friend relationship, compared to a couple thinking about marriage makes a huge difference. So what is the level of commitment? Her past is her own unless it impacts the present relationship. She let you know what was going on with her EX OM, and then worked to assure you that nothing was going on. It wall maybe that she kept in touch with her Ex OM, because he was the only one that would provide any comfort after her break up. I think your past is also coloring your relationship with her, and you should keep that in mind. You were burned, and that is never forgotten. You are always going to have some trust issues going forward. I am not one of those people who believes "once a cheater, always a cheater". We have too many examples of couples who have reconciled and gone on to long happy marriages after infidelity, and of course those that have divorced. Full disclosure, my G/F, now wife, cheated on me before we were married. I forgave her, and took a leap of faith, and we have had 40 plus years, and many grandchildren to boot. Look, keep in mind both your pasts, but do not allow the possibility of a good future to slip away. Judge her, as she should you, on her actions in the here and now. She may be the one. She has had one hell of a life lesson, and can use that, not to make the same mistakes with you. I wish you luck.... I believe that also, that cheating doesn't mean you will always cheat. HOWEVER, if a cheater continues to display a lack of healthy boundaries then a repeat is only a matter of time. The way I see it, why risk it? Why continue down this path with someone you have strong doubts about this early on. As far as honesty...well its assuming she is being honest, for all OP knows she could be hanging on walls with exMM and only saying the minimum. Either way she is still emotionally linked to this other guy. Last it's pretty clear this is more then a casual relationship, at least in his mind. Smart money says time to bounce. 1
zeeohsixer Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 Talk to her ex husband and find out the other half of the story. I'm willing to bet that she was a serial cheater/ manipulator that just can't shake her addiction. eject. 2
CommittedToThis Posted December 12, 2016 Posted December 12, 2016 my trust is shaken after she told me one thing and did another. (edit) I want her to respect me with this guy and my feelings. A big, big red flag is noticing when a partner's actions and words never match or reflect continuity. If you allow her to continue to feel obligated to this ex-lover she will not respect you. She sounds like a cake-eater to me, KSProf; you've been burned before by a deceptive woman and have "gotten stronger" as a result, so use that strength to put yourself first and seriously consider ending this relationship. There are, like, millions of single women out there -- keep looking. There is nothing wrong with saying "I am not going to settle for anything less than what I believe I am worth." Eventually, odds are you're going to find a woman who is not devious and deceptive, especially since you've already been with a couple who were. All the best, you deserve to have what you want in this relationship.
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