When People Say You'll Find Love When You're Not Looking

[Fair]

I agree with the normal person...

 

Likely this cliché came about from the fact that people who are seriously not looking are often more intriguing/attractive than those throwing themselves out there and sometimes appearing desperate. But this doesn't guarantee anyone will approach. In fact, it's likely they won't, nine times out of ten. you have to show you're interested/looking at least to some degree.

[Gaeta]

I personally don't believe in it.

 

When you're 20 years old with a social network of 500+ people sure you don't need to be looking eventually someone will match you up or you'll meet someone.

 

But for someone that is 40+ 45+ or 50 like me, with a career, long commute to work, no time or desire to get out on weeknights, with weekends busy with cleaning, errands and family, there is no opportunity to meet. I tried it, I didn't meet anyone in 7 years being single and 'not looking'. No one crossed my path, zero, non, niet! When I got online BAM, got lots of attention, went on many dates, and met my BF.

 

I am of the philosophy that if you want something you've got to make it happen.

[jstar845]

I appreciate you reaching out for support. The saying you mentioned “good things come to those that wait or you will find love when you are not looking”. These sayings have been around for a while and are based on how some individuals may view love or looking for a mate. Thus, some may say this saying indicates that looking for love may not be the correct action because it could be the wrong person. However, in any case rather a person looks or doesn’t look for love or wait the wrong person can still enter another’s life. It’s great that you know what you want in life and the statements you made are true good things come to those who pursue, improve and break their comfort zone. The vigor you possess will enable you pursue love at the right time.

Best Wishes!

[Inci]

So basically every time I talk to a girl, don't talk to her with the expectation that she's going to be the girl I date, just someone I talk to. Essentially "going with the flow" Now that actually makes sense.

 

Thanks for enlightening me sir.

After reading through the thread, I still agree with the conclusion you came to. That's because when you take it a bit easy and talk to women just because they seem friendly, your screening is different. You will talk to girls you find easy to talk to because they look approachable, you don't get bogged down with the 'oh are we going to be compatible, is she going to like me, is she likely to be the right person' etc etc. You just talk to people and sometimes you hit it off, sometimes you don't.

 

I started talking to a guy who works in my local supermarket. Sure I knew he noticed me but as he comes from a completely different culture from mine, I only started talking to him because I've been spending more time in my local area as I'm on study leave. I knew if I didn't start chatting, he would not approach me ever.

 

Lo and behold, we actually have a lot in common and I really enjoy his company. I would not have contacted him via a dating site or on a night out or whatever.

 

Sometimes we overcomplicate things when really we should just TALK.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Inci

[eightytwenty]

I agree when you're not looking, you'll find it. It's always happened to me when I finally don't care about a relationship and I want to just enjoy life. It's because you're not desperate for it, people sense that, if they feel that desperate attitude for love it pushes people away. Go out have fun, enjoy life, eventually you'll find someone. Hang out with friends, they have other friends, go out to different place. I'm a horrible shy person, but when I'm with my group I'm not to them, and a outsider that is watching will see that.

[GorillaTheater]

I've never looked for love; I wouldn't know how to go about it. But I know how to meet people, all kinds of people, and I know how to talk to them and get to know them. In the process of that, I managed to stumble upon the love of my life.

[joseb]

But for someone that is 40+ 45+ or 50 like me, with a career, long commute to work, no time or desire to get out on weeknights, with weekends busy with cleaning, errands and family, there is no opportunity to meet. I tried it, I didn't meet anyone in 7 years being single and 'not looking'. No one crossed my path, zero, non, niet! When I got online BAM, got lots of attention, went on many dates, and met my BF.

 

 

Well I'm in my 40s and when I spend any time on online dating I can feel my spirit crumbling, and my neediness growing. It just puts me in a really bad mindset. Sure I go on a few dates, but with the odd exception they are not great.

I think a lot of guys are better off avoiding it.

 

Every time I stop focusing on it and just get on with my life I seem to end up meeting someone nice.

[AMJ]

Every time I've fallen in love, it happened when I was not at all pursuing it or looking for it.

 

This just means you should live your life, and be open to possibilities but don't wait around for anything or anyone, and pursue what's true to your own heart and passion, and the rest will follow.

 

It's easier said than done when you're ready for a relationship in your life and don't have one, not to pursue one. But in my experience, when I look for one, I don't find one. And when I stop looking for love, it finds me. Every time.

[Versacehottie]

So basically every time I talk to a girl, don't talk to her with the expectation that she's going to be the girl I date, just someone I talk to. Essentially "going with the flow" Now that actually makes sense.

 

Thanks for enlightening me sir.

 

Yeah I agree. Basically, you don't and shouldn't worry about falling in love just yet. You could get a kiss and a date and some hooking up out of the way first. Go with the flow a little more. Again put the advice that people told you to expand your social circle. I think if you depend on your social circle and going out a little more compared to online dating you might get those first steps out of the way. You will also get more acclimating to hanging around girls and have more game when someone intrigues you enough for YOU to put her in the gf category. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

I personally don't believe in it.

 

When you're 20 years old with a social network of 500+ people sure you don't need to be looking eventually someone will match you up or you'll meet someone.

 

But for someone that is 40+ 45+ or 50 like me, with a career, long commute to work, no time or desire to get out on weeknights, with weekends busy with cleaning, errands and family, there is no opportunity to meet. I tried it, I didn't meet anyone in 7 years being single and 'not looking'. No one crossed my path, zero, non, niet! When I got online BAM, got lots of attention, went on many dates, and met my BF.

 

I am of the philosophy that if you want something you've got to make it happen.

 

That was perhaps the best approach for someone in your situation. But the OP is 22 and waiting for his first kiss and trouble getting a date (according to him). And he is primarily using online dating. I don't think that's the best venue for 22 year olds. Already the fact that he is relying on it and not easily or even by chance having one hookup from a night out with friends or a crush from school, indicates to me that he needs to improve his overall social skills & circle. I just think most similar aged girls don't really need, use or are extremely flighty and picky online since most of them probably have decent to good social lives of their own--so for a guy with little experience dating and probably in need of some game, this is gonna make him at a disadvantage online. He needs to become more well-rounded , more sociable. Might be that if he curated a group of friends, one of the girls in the group or on the fringe or friend of the one in the group, would have the time to get to know him if he was shy and appreciate him, in a way girls online probably never will. That's just my opinion. I also think to round out his social skills and interests it will take any edge of desperation that exists away from how he is presenting himself. Well hopefully it will. At the very least, it will provide him with some real life guy friends who he can emulate, use as wing guys and have some fun with. Good luck OP

[Recon33]

An interesting thing I've noticed about these types of threads is that if anyone posts to say that the thread title is true in their experience it's a woman. That goes back to what the OP is saying about guys having to make the first move and initiate. Now, I get that there's more ways to interpret it like what has already been said about not being desperate and just going with the flow and I agree but when you take it in a more literal sense it does sound like bs, even more so if you're a guy.

[sassyunicorn]

Iv'e heard it several times from several people, you'll find love when you're not looking. Good things come to people who wait.

 

I just want your alls opinion on what they mean by this? Do you think this is a good philosophy to have in regards to dating?

 

Because to me when people say you'll find love when you're not looking, it's basically telling you to be passive, to not improve your social skills around the opposite sex. The problem with being passive is as a guy, you're expected to talk to women in a social and personal matter, ask for her number, ask her out on a first date, and other things. So by being passive like those advocating for waiting, you're literally letting opportunities slip by.

 

If you tell a shy socially awkward virgin to wait, well guess what? He's been waiting his whole life and look where that has gotten him in life. 0 success by believing the myth that eventually the right girl is going to come into his life.

 

I believe the people who say good things come to people who wait dont have any problems with dating to begin with. They're not shy, they're not introverted.

 

 

Don't believe the myth that good things come to people who wait. Good things come to people who PURSUE. Good things come to people who IMPROVE. Good things come to people who learn to break out of their comfort zone.

I was very socially awkward when I was single. Heck, even when I'd date people, I felt inadequate and generally dated losers. When I met my husband, I wasn't looking at all, in fact I was in a relationship (with a loser that stole a bunch of money) but there was something that just drew me in. When loser took off, it clicked between us...so, in my experience, I had to actually step out of my comfort zone and be around people, but my marriage didn't come from actively seeking a relationship. It just happened because it was meant to!