Jump to content

When People Say You'll Find Love When You're Not Looking

Dark Horse

By Dark Horse
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Dark Horse Established Member

Dark Horse

Posted
Posted

Iv'e heard it several times from several people, you'll find love when you're not looking. Good things come to people who wait.

 

I just want your alls opinion on what they mean by this? Do you think this is a good philosophy to have in regards to dating?

 

Because to me when people say you'll find love when you're not looking, it's basically telling you to be passive, to not improve your social skills around the opposite sex. The problem with being passive is as a guy, you're expected to talk to women in a social and personal matter, ask for her number, ask her out on a first date, and other things. So by being passive like those advocating for waiting, you're literally letting opportunities slip by.

 

If you tell a shy socially awkward virgin to wait, well guess what? He's been waiting his whole life and look where that has gotten him in life. 0 success by believing the myth that eventually the right girl is going to come into his life.

 

I believe the people who say good things come to people who wait dont have any problems with dating to begin with. They're not shy, they're not introverted.

 

 

Don't believe the myth that good things come to people who wait. Good things come to people who PURSUE. Good things come to people who IMPROVE. Good things come to people who learn to break out of their comfort zone.

  • Like 2
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted

My recommendation to any single guy is to get out there, date, and enjoy it. Yes, we're all at an age where we're looking for a serious relationship and maybe that will land on your lap and maybe it won't. But, I would much rather be out there and pursing a solid relationship. Dating serves many purposes other than searching for "the one" (if that exists..)..

 

I developed solid communication and social skills by getting out there and meeting women. I learned how to be confident, enjoy the time with the other person and just be relaxed. I don't view every date as an 'interview' for the perspective love of my life anymore. I get out spend some time with a woman I'm attracted to and see where it goes. The good dates are fun and the bad ones just make for fun stories.

 

Building that confidence has been huge for me and it should be important to guys. There are plenty of quality women out there that will be turned off by a lack of confidence in a hurry. Most of the dates I get from OLD have been from second messages. The don't respond to the first one, so be it. I shoot them a second one with an innocent sarcastic quip a few days later and they respond. Some of them might find it creepy, some might find it annoying but many see that it shows some self-confidence and that goes a long way. And, this goes for meeting women in the real world as well. Spark up a conversation with a woman, ask her out and see what happens. If she says "no thanks" then so be it. She's not into me and that's fine.

 

Also, dating really opens your eyes as to what you want and don't want out of a relationship. I used to overlook many red-flags or incompatible traits when I just hung around and waited for women to wander my way. I have had some very good dates where I thought everything was going smoothly and then I was hit with a comment that made me uncomfortable and I backed off. And, there have been times where I have been the idiot on a date and they take off. You live, you learn and apply it to the next date.

 

Finally, and this will come across as misogynistic, I stopped putting women up on a pedestal. I used to pander to every woman that would date me because I didn't have the self-confidence to view them as people. They were women that wanted to date me!! They must be special!! Nope.

  • Like 4
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Iv'e heard it several times from several people, you'll find love when you're not looking. Good things come to people who wait.

 

I just want your alls opinion on what they mean by this? Do you think this is a good philosophy to have in regards to dating?

 

Because to me when people say you'll find love when you're not looking, it's basically telling you to be passive, to not improve your social skills around the opposite sex. The problem with being passive is as a guy, you're expected to talk to women in a social and personal matter, ask for her number, ask her out on a first date, and other things. So by being passive like those advocating for waiting, you're literally letting opportunities slip by.

 

If you tell a shy socially awkward virgin to wait, well guess what? He's been waiting his whole life and look where that has gotten him in life. 0 success by believing the myth that eventually the right girl is going to come into his life.

 

I believe the people who say good things come to people who wait dont have any problems with dating to begin with. They're not shy, they're not introverted.

 

 

Don't believe the myth that good things come to people who wait. Good things come to people who PURSUE. Good things come to people who IMPROVE. Good things come to people who learn to break out of their comfort zone.

 

Well I think it's a balance. Basically I think the truth of that statement is that people need to relax and not be so intense and/or let red flags slide in their efforts to be in a relationship. They need to have other interests and priorities to BE interesting to others. It's attractive, especially as a guy, super especially if you are shy or inexperienced, if you have other things that are priorities for you--otherwise you are in danger of being some girl's doormat or putting her on a pedestal. I've said this to others before and i think it applies to this statement: don't be so linear in your thinking about the end goal that you mess up the dating, i.e. if you are determined to "get" a girlfriend, you might mess up a good dating thing and fail to get needed experience. The whole dating process for you (and most) can have multiple purposes--develop your dating skills, develop a tougher skin, learn more about girls, have some experiences, meet people, just grow as a person. It's not ONLY about the end goal--that's where some people go wrong and if you take the statement literally people might tend to go all the way in the other direction and do NOTHING that applies to their dating/flirting/romantic life which is also a mistake.

 

The best thing to do is to put a routine in place where you make sure dating is part of your life and that you are on the look out for girls to flirt with, connect with, i.e. maybe some online and some real life stuff. I think that's the best way. In the meantime, make sure you are developing as a person so that you have something to offer and because YOU want to be the best you. The statement really applies to knowing how to relax and not be overly intense, cautious or neurotic in your dating. Also to know that someone better will come along if it isn't "right" with whomever comes into your life so you don't settle and have self-confidence, which in turn will bring you better choices. Hope this makes sense! Good luck

  • Like 3
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

I think its more like, "You'll find love when you're not desperate to find it."

 

Look for love, if its what you want.

 

Couples get together all the time.

 

It's not like looking for the Ark of the Covenant :laugh:

 

Get out there and find what you want.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 12
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

I had more success by not looking so hard.....my LTRs were from just meeting them randomly.....

  • Like 5
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Same here.

 

Met randomly and unexpectedly, when I wasn't looking.

  • Like 2
OrangeParty Established Member

OrangeParty

Posted
Posted

I haven't been looking for 10+ years. Still nothing. :lmao:

  • Like 3
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

I too think that saying is bull**** myself. When do you NOT interact with people in some way? We all have to interact with people, be they coworkers, online, social setting, people who you pass by on the street and never say another word to each other, etc. I mean, right NOW someone who is reading this is interacting with me and we have never met. Think about it.

 

Maybe for others it can and does happen. I think that's wishful thinking myself, I'm getting bitter about a lot of things in life. All I can say is that if it's meant to be it's meant to be and if it's not, then it's not.

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
When People Say You'll Find Love When You're Not Looking

 

I always agree with them. It works.

  • Like 1
puzzledfemale Member

puzzledfemale

Posted
Posted

I think it means to enjoy dating, and don't be so focused that you NEED a BF/GF....because this can cause stress on other aspects of life. Just enjoy dating until you find the right person :)

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

I think that the main thing is to go out and be sociable.

 

Expand your social circle, go to new places, do new things with new people.

 

If you do that, your chances of meeting somebody are pretty good.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
imaginarium Member

imaginarium

Posted
Posted

I've found that people who are desperately looking and trying tend to fall into bad relationships because they take the first thing that looks good. Sometimes that can turn into love but often it's just two people holding on because they don't want to drown alone.

 

Real love seems like it develops when two people who are happy with who they are find someone who just makes them happier. You might be "looking," but you've owned your responsibility to make your life a good one, and the other person is more of an added bonus.

 

There are exceptions, but usually trying to force someone to fit your life results in someone being in your life that's a terrible fit.

 

I believe in loving people, but can no longer tell people I love that I "need" them, because I don't believe that anymore. I just need myself, but there are some people who definitely enhance my life, and they usually just kind of wander in.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Dark Horse Established Member

Dark Horse

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I guess for me, I have the fear of being a 25 year old or even 30 year old who's still a kissless virgin. I'm almost 22 years old and honestly going many more years without ever having any experience with women seems like a realistic possibility. I would hate that! I mean i'm already behind a lot of my peers in still being a kissless and dateless virgin.

 

People always talk about the numerous dates they've been on meanwhile I can't even get a first date! How am I even supposed to get a girlfriend if I can't even make it to the first step? The majority of girls online from Tinder and POF ghost me or don't even respond to my messages and the girls that I have asked out, they've all either said no, i'm seeing someone else, or i'm busy.

 

In a way i'm upset because I feel like i'm not given a fair chance, I always wonder why women reject me. Am I not hot enough? Not good enough? Am I not their type? I just want a chance, I think I deserve a chance! I hope someday a girl will give me a chance. But for now, I walk the single life wondering when it will ever be my time?

Edited by Dark Horse
  • Like 1
Stillits Established Member

Stillits

Posted
Posted

I think what is in essence meant by this, is to not have expectations or hopes attached to every meeting with a new person. To just go with the flow and let things happen as they happen, so to speak.

  • Like 2
joseb Established Member

joseb

Posted
Posted
I think its more like, "You'll find love when you're not desperate to find it."

 

This. When people say "not looking" they are not suggesting holing up in a cave or something. Just to drop the desperate air. Realise it would be nice, but you are fine with or without it.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Dark Horse Established Member

Dark Horse

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I think what is in essence meant by this, is to not have expectations or hopes attached to every meeting with a new person. To just go with the flow and let things happen as they happen, so to speak.

 

So basically every time I talk to a girl, don't talk to her with the expectation that she's going to be the girl I date, just someone I talk to. Essentially "going with the flow" Now that actually makes sense.

 

Thanks for enlightening me sir.

  • Like 6
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

It's like saying a watched pot never boils. As anyone knows, a pot will take exactly the same time to boil, whether it is watched or not. The phrase is meaningless and inaccurate. You could rephrase it as "the pot will boil as soon as you turn away", or "the pot will boil as soon as you stop waiting for it to boil".

 

This phrase is the same. If you want to meet someone then the best way is to go on dates and meet people. But if you're constantly watching the pot and expecting it to boil, then it will seem like it's taking longer. The best way is to just relax and have fun and enjoy life. Then if one of your dates turns into a 2nd date, and a 3rd, and a 4th... then all good.

  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I think its more like, "You'll find love when you're not desperate to find it."

 

Look for love, if its what you want.

 

Couples get together all the time.

 

It's not like looking for the Ark of the Covenant :laugh:

 

Get out there and find what you want.

 

 

Take care.

 

I agree. Desperation comes across in ways you don't even realize and it's off-putting.

 

It's one thing to put yourself out there and interact, etc., and it's another thing to glom onto anyone who shows the least bit of interest or attention.

 

I think it's a lot like "a watched pot never boils". The more you stand there waiting, the more impatient you get. I can't tell you how many times I've put a pot on to boil and then focused on something else while I'm waiting and suddenly the pot boiled over. :)

  • Like 2
Bee4Shine Member

Bee4Shine

Posted
Posted

I understand what you are saying and you are not wrong. I do agree with the fact that sometimes we are surprised by love. By that I mean, when love springs from a friendship that grows over a period of time, it is something really special. It doesn't mean that you are not thinking about it, or that you are passive, it just means that you are willing to let things progress on their own initiative. As a woman, men who were "aggressive" scared me away. But men who seriously worked at being my friend were very attractive to me. I knew they appreciated me for me, and were not more interested in a "relationship" than "me".

Everyone should always be seeking to improve, to grow, to stretch, to get out of the comfort zone. But consistently, aggressively pursuing is sometimes detrimental to finding.

I definitely agree with this: "Good things come to people who IMPROVE. Good things come to people who learn to break out of their comfort zone."

  • Like 2
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

Posted
Posted

I think of it more as people find it notable when they are "not looking", but I don't think "not looking" is always just being casual or not actually looking for dates. I think it is just in a lot of cases they run to the grocery store, take their car to the mechanic, are waiting in line at the dmv...and they bump into someone.

 

 

Like you are going to renew your license at the dmv and just happen to get in line behind an attractive girl that chats you up etc. Now you would not normally go to the dmv looking for dates or if you are in a bad mood at the mechanic having to pay for repairs and meet someone there, it is unexpected and you are not looking for it.

 

 

I think most people are looking for love, just not in those particular venues so when it happens it becomes notable as, "I wasn't looking for love when I met..." when they really were.

 

 

I think just being casual and not actively seeking dates doesn't actually increase your chances of finding someone as the saying might indicate but notable, anecdotal evidence makes it seems like it.

  • Like 3
GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted
it's basically telling you to be passive, to not improve your social skills around the opposite sex.

 

Um, no, it's not.

 

Dating, not dating, in or not in relationships we are all still working on and bettering social interactions with 'everyone' all the time!

 

If you're not doing that then maybe that is something you could focus on first - just improving all interactions with either sex.

  • Like 5
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted

You can be yourself in dating. But IMO, women respond to confidence. I highly recommend a book like Changing Your Game. Someone I knew coming out of a long marriage found that book and what I read from rings true for me as a woman. It's not PUS type of stuff - it's a good read for how women work and what changes you can make as a man to appeal to that such as being more confident.

  • Like 2
GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

Posted
Posted

Because to me when people say you'll find love when you're not looking, it's basically telling you to be passive, to not improve your social skills around the opposite sex. The problem with being passive is as a guy, you're expected to talk to women in a social and personal matter, ask for her number, ask her out on a first date, and other things. So by being passive like those advocating for waiting, you're literally letting opportunities slip by.

 

Okay, I don't think my advice to anyone ever would be to be more passive and stop improving their social skills, whether they were looking for their first relationship or married 30 years.

 

I believe there is truth to the saying, but you have to use your common sense to understand how to interpret it. It means go out there and live life to the fullest rather than hyper focusing on the relationship aspect. Go out there, be confident, talk to people of both sexes, and it'll help directly or indirectly.

 

If you take the saying to mean you should go sit in the basement by yourself and the woman of your dreams will appear in front of you, then obviously you'll think it is a ridiculous saying.

 

I think Satu summed it up best though. You don't have to stop looking, just start obsessing a little less about your success.

  • Like 2
staggerlee71 Established Member

staggerlee71

Posted
Posted

when I divorced in 2010, I was hitting a low. I went through a divorce, was self medicating, hated my job, my dog died, it was horrible.

 

I decided I need to start fresh. I got sober, quit my job and took the summer off, got a new place and just learned to accept that am starting over. I'm middle aged. I decided to work a laborious job outside and put all my energy there. I also decided I was going to work on being a better person. More pleasant. Accept that I am working a job that I am way over qualified for but enjoy it and not compare myself to anyone. My head was is a great place. I was chatting everyone up from co-workers to cashiers. Just working on being pleasant and a better person. Focusing on me and my life.

 

a year and half of this a met a women, and we dated for 2 years.

 

So you see, I wasn't looking for her. She came when I wasn't looking. But I wasn't passive either. My focus was on me and a better life for me. That brought her. That is what not looking for means

  • Like 4
normal person Established Member

normal person

Posted
Posted

It's a myopic platitude that gets conflated with coincidences that people in turn use to validate it.

 

When you sit on your butt and don't make an effort, things are less likely to change for you. Someone still might just fall into your lap by chance, but it's coincidental -- it didn't happen because you weren't you looking. It just happened at a time when you weren't actively looking, as it sometimes does. If you needed money, but someone told you not to get off your butt and get a job because "it'll happen when you're not working for it," you still could find $100 on the ground, or win the lottery. It could happen. It doesn't mean the person was right. If you had the job, you'd making money anyways, and still could find that $100 or win the lottery. You get the point. Things don't happen because you embrace inaction. That's bogus.

 

If you're active, making an effort, optimizing your search and doing everything tastefully, you increase your odds of finding someone exponentially. Whenever I focus on meeting women, I use OLD like a job and go out on the weekends. I meet a ton of girls. Recently I've been working a ton and I haven't done any of that. I haven't met a girl in weeks. I haven't done the work, I haven't looked, and I haven't been in close physical proximity to any, and nothing has happened. It's not likely to change until I do, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

 

 

Let's not pretend there's some divine dating deity who sends you people when you make a conscious effort not to look. That's just fairy tale crap. However, if you try too hard, you run the risk of making yourself look desperate and insecure and I think that's what many people might be confusing with this whole thing.

 

If you want something, you should look for it -- tastefully, without shooting yourself in the foot.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...