Will I ever be his #1?

January 17, 2017

There is not a single thing about him I don't find attractive or appealing. I know he has them, but I cannot find a single flaw in him. Unrealistic, I know, but there's nothing about him that I don't like. Except the fact that he has a wife, of course.

January 17, 2017

Jennifer, how's this for unattractive...The last time he came over, he treated you like trash. He did everything but leave cash on your bedside table.

He knows how much you love him and he uses that. He does not cherish your love, he uses it. Like he uses you.

You deserve better. But only if you demand it.

January 17, 2017

It's not that I'm so strong, trust me I'm not. I am just so angry and fed up with his lies. I felt so so used that day when he came over, we made up, had sex and then broke up with me 2 days later telling me that his new year resultion was to get rid of me. Ugh!!! I still get so worked up when I think of it.

I refuse to take one more minute of his lies. I think that's what pushed me over the edge. His constant lies

You know Jen,

What SHOULD have pushed you was his vile treatment of you and his wife.

What can you possible hope to gain by maintaining any kind of relationship with the douche bag?

Have you told your mother yet? I feel it will help you a lot.

Poppy.

January 17, 2017

You know Jen,

What SHOULD have pushed you was his vile treatment of you and his wife.

What can you possible hope to gain by maintaining any kind of relationship with the douche bag?

Have you told your mother yet? I feel it will help you a lot.
Poppy.

I haven't told her everything. I don't know why, I feel ashamed to talk about it with her.

I'm embarrassed about the way I've let him treat me, and the way I've been acting this whole time.

I know she wouldn't be proud, But I guess it's time to come clean with her.

January 17, 2017

The fact and evidence of him being a blatant cheater isn't an unattractive character defect for your guidelines in life?

Are you sure you're viewing him in reality?

I'm committing adultery just as much as he is.

I'm not any better than him.

January 17, 2017

I feel like I may finally have a chance to have him all to myself and I'm giving that up. Am I doing the right thing?

I'm talking like a crazy person and I've been fighting with myself all day. And for what? A stupid dream that I was kissing him? Literally nothing has changed! Nothing is going to change. I don't know why I keep thinking he will change.

Edited January 17, 2017 by jennifernyc84

January 17, 2017

I feel like I may finally have a chance to have him all to myself and I'm giving that up. Am I doing the right thing?

I'm talking like a crazy person and I've been fighting with myself all day.

I understand why you are questioning your resolve, but please don't. He has had his opportunities to be solely with you and HE didn't take them. If I understand your history together, you knew him long before he met his wife. This irrefutable fact is what you can remember Jen. Stay strong.

January 17, 2017

I haven't told her everything. I don't know why, I feel ashamed to talk about it with her.

I'm embarrassed about the way I've let him treat me, and the way I've been acting this whole time.

I know she wouldn't be proud, But I guess it's time to come clean with her.

My own daughter had an affair a few years back and she was caught. She had to tell me. I felt no need to condemn her as she was in so much anguish and pain and besides I love her to bits.

I am failing to understand why you want this jerk all to yourself. What does he have that is so special. It isn't integrity, that's for sure.

Poppy.

January 17, 2017

My own daughter had an affair a few years back and she was caught. She had to tell me. I felt no need to condemn her as she was in so much anguish and pain and besides I love her to bits.

I am failing to understand why you want this jerk all to yourself. What does he have that is so special. It isn't integrity, that's for sure.

Poppy.

You know, I wish I could just stop caring for him. It would make things so much easier.

What does he have that I find so special? I will admit he is one of the most attractive men I've ever laid eyes upon. But that isn't all.

He's very smart and intelligent. I don't care about his money, but he is very successful and devoted to his job and that is a big turn on. He's really good at what he does and he's still young. He's funny, sexy, so fun to be around, I love the way he talks. I could listen to him talk all day and night. And he's great in bed. My body responds to him so well. He isn't afraid to try new things. I love the way he can just strike up a conversation with anyone and it's like he's known them his whole life. And I know him.

He was my first everything. My first love, first kiss, and my first sexual encounter. He didn't take my virginity but he was the first guy that I ever fooled around with.

I know that he really isn't, but I've always felt like he was mine.

Ok, enough of that.

I'm going to give mom a ring and have a good talk about it. I really do feel like I need to talk about this and get so much off of my chest.

January 17, 2017

Jennifer, honey, you don't love him. You love the fantasy of him. You love the story for your grandchildren of him. You love all the time you invested in him.

You refuse to see his flaws. He has them. You stated you cant see anything unattractive about him. You refuse to see him for who he is.

Even now you paint him in rainbows. "I could listen to him all night" that is romance novel drivel.

It is so hard to look in a mirror and see all the time and energy wasted. But you did. You have wasted your live hanging on to someone who thinks of you as a convenience. He thought you were pulling away so he came over screwed you and then dumped you. So he could show you who is boss.

You have got to see you deserve to be treated better! Why do you want to live your life knowing you are second best for him? He didn't chose you because he loved you better than his W. His W kicked him to the curb and you are a softer landing than nothing.

He thinks you are better than nothing!

Do not tolerate that!

If you take him in, he will do to you what he did to her. But he will know that no matter how badly he treats you, you will take it. Your soul will slowly die and he won't care.

Why are you clinging to that future? Don't you want to be happy?

You deserve better.

January 17, 2017

Jennifer, honey, you don't love him. You love the fantasy of him. You love the story for your grandchildren of him. You love all the time you invested in him.

You refuse to see his flaws. He has them. You stated you cant see anything unattractive about him. You refuse to see him for who he is.

Even now you paint him in rainbows. "I could listen to him all night" that is romance novel drivel.

It is so hard to look in a mirror and see all the time and energy wasted. But you did. You have wasted your live hanging on to someone who thinks of you as a convenience. He thought you were pulling away so he came over screwed you and then dumped you. So he could show you who is boss.

You have got to see you deserve to be treated better! Why do you want to live your life knowing you are second best for him? He didn't chose you because he loved you better than his W. His W kicked him to the curb and you are a softer landing than nothing.

He thinks you are better than nothing!

Do not tolerate that!

If you take him in, he will do to you what he did to her. But he will know that no matter how badly he treats you, you will take it. Your soul will slowly die and he won't care.

Why are you clinging to that future? Don't you want to be happy?

You deserve better.

Ah this is so true! It is odd how the mind wants to paint everything nice. Lots of time and NC will ensure that you see him more clearly.

Pros vs Cons lists are good to do too especially if there are more Cons (really just make a list of Cons ).

January 17, 2017

Jenn... help yourself out a little.

make a list with all the NEGATIVES & read it when you're in doubt and going through a difficult time. let me help you out.

here is how this dude looks to us, who aren't in love with him. let's assume he really is OBJECTIVELY attractive, intelligent, successful, great in bed, friendly & likeable. that's awesome. BUT --- THREE THINGS that make him unattractive to most women... and no, it's not about the fact that he's cheating:

1. he has no backbone.

if you're like me... then you love your men to be MEN. as in strong, reliable, confident, honest. with a backbone, spine. someone who doesn't allow others to walk all over them -- and your guy doesn't have ANY of that. now... he might SEEM to have that in his interaction with business clients, friends... but he doesn't have that with more crucial folks in his life. remember: folks without a backbone... they have a backbone in about 90% of the time in irrelevant situations. they don't have it when it really matters and when it might affect their life deeply.

affairs happen to great guys, too. the thing is... after the initial shock and confusion, those guys figure out what they want QUICKLY and proceed to take action. i've met MANY men who were super attractive... well, pretty much everything you've described Josh to be AND MORE + who fell in love with another woman while being married. they eventually divorced and continued with the OW; NONE OF THEM behaved the way Josh did. folks with experience can see that clear difference, the details... so there is that unattractive streak about Josh: he's weak. it's easy to be strong when you're not tested; he failed his test.

2. he's not emotionally intelligent... in fact, he's borderline idiotic. the most baffling thing - he got his wife pregnant while, at the same time, having an A with you. i'm sorry, but i can't imagine anything more painful than having to watch the man you love becoming a dad for the 1st time to the child he PLANNED while knowing YOU love and want him. he didn't chose you to start a family with - why...? you weren't good enough for that?

3. he's a lousy father - is there anything more unattractive than that? it has nothing to do with his cheating because - contrary to the popular belief - cheaters can be and usually are good parents. he's a bad parent because he deprived his child from growing up in the best possible conditions right from the start. he didn't take fatherhood seriously, one of the biggest character flaws a man can have. if you're not a complete idiot - it should be clear to you that A is a sign that your marriage isn't the happiest or healthiest. and when THAT is clear to you -- you won't bring a child into that kind of marriage. for some reason, none of that was clear to Josh. if he didn't want the baby and his wife insisted - that just brings us back to the fact that he's weak and unable to contradict his wife. he probably can't even tell you WHY he's gotten married in the 1st place. that's how it is with those type of people.

i think the main thing for you is the fact that he was your 1st, your 1st love. the one who got away. most of his traits are probably exaggerated in your eyes but that's only normal when we're in love. so don't torture yourself by writing what you LOVE about him - instead, help yourself out a bit and focus on his negative traits so you could see him in more realistic light. use little mental tricks to get over all the critical phases.

him coming back - oh, he'll come back. his offer to be just friends is kind of insulting. don't you think? you've been in an intense A for two years and NOW he wants to be friends... WHAT? after telling you that... i mean, WHAT?!

and yeah, his wife dumped him. i assume they had another mini discovery day and she took the baby & called it off. he'll try to sell you the story about not being able to handle it anymore, how he told her everything, how he told her he loves you and so she left. i ASSUME!

Edited January 17, 2017 by minimariah

January 18, 2017

Jen, do you work?

What do you do for hobbies and fun?

Yes, of course I work. I moved here to the city for work.

I am a financial advisor, but I'm really a dress designer, hoping to have my own shop soon if all goes well.

I do yoga and used to teach a yoga class 3 times a week.

I love running and going to the gym. There was a time in my life I wanted to be a fitness instructor, but designing has always been my passion.

I keep busy. I love the city. Broadway is also my life. I think I've seen every major Broadway show there is.

January 18, 2017

I feel like I may finally have a chance to have him all to myself and I'm giving that up. Am I doing the right thing?

I'm talking like a crazy person and I've been fighting with myself all day. And for what? A stupid dream that I was kissing him? Literally nothing has changed! Nothing is going to change. I don't know why I keep thinking he will change.

This is YOUR life. If you truly feel in your heart that you want him nothing anybody says here is going to change your mind. You're gonna do what you're going to do. With that said, NO ONE on here is going to encourage you because of how he's treated you and how shi.tty he's made you feel. That and he isn't the "one" for you. If he was, he would have been with you years ago.

January 18, 2017

You know, I wish I could just stop caring for him. It would make things so much easier.

What does he have that I find so special? I will admit he is one of the most attractive men I've ever laid eyes upon. But that isn't all.

He's very smart and intelligent. I don't care about his money, but he is very successful and devoted to his job and that is a big turn on. He's really good at what he does and he's still young. He's funny, sexy, so fun to be around, I love the way he talks. I could listen to him talk all day and night. And he's great in bed. My body responds to him so well. He isn't afraid to try new things. I love the way he can just strike up a conversation with anyone and it's like he's known them his whole life. And I know him.

He was my first everything. My first love, first kiss, and my first sexual encounter. He didn't take my virginity but he was the first guy that I ever fooled around with.

I know that he really isn't, but I've always felt like he was mine.

Ok, enough of that.

I'm going to give mom a ring and have a good talk about it. I really do feel like I need to talk about this and get so much off of my chest.

You're in love with the fantasy you've created about him year after year, lusting after him. You think he's a king and he's perfect. That's why you are having trouble letting go. You don't truly believe he's that bad, you let your emotions rule over your head and what your gut tells you.

He never was yours. Stop thinking of him in that way it's unhealthy and done enough damage to you.

January 18, 2017

You're in love with the fantasy you've created about him year after year, lusting after him. You think he's a king and he's perfect. That's why you are having trouble letting go. You don't truly believe he's that bad, you let your emotions rule over your head and what your gut tells you.

He never was yours. Stop thinking of him in that way it's unhealthy and done enough damage to you.

Dead on.

If he's so perfect, why does he have 2 women hating him right now?

January 18, 2017

You know, I wish I could just stop caring for him. It would make things so much easier.

What does he have that I find so special? I will admit he is one of the most attractive men I've ever laid eyes upon. But that isn't all.

He's very smart and intelligent. I don't care about his money, but he is very successful and devoted to his job and that is a big turn on. He's really good at what he does and he's still young. He's funny, sexy, so fun to be around, I love the way he talks. I could listen to him talk all day and night . And he's great in bed. My body responds to him so well. He isn't afraid to try new things. I love the way he can just strike up a conversation with anyone and it's like he's known them his whole life. And I know him.

That right there is why he says you make him feel like a rockstar. Your adoration for him isn't healthy. It's like you worship (or worshipped) the ground he walks on.

How many people in normal relationships that you know say this?

You hang on his every word and you can't come up with one unattractive thing about him, apart from him having a wife and child.

If you were in a real non secret relationship with him, you'd see things you don't now. I bet his wife could say a thing or two besides the cheating.

January 18, 2017

I felt like I needed to vent. I needed someone to sit there and listen while I spoke.

My parents live almost 2 hours away and my sister lives 4 hours away. So I called mom and sis on a 3-way conference call.

I told them everything exactly how it's been from the beginning. It was really, really hard to express myself in that way. Especially to them because they know him as well as I do. It was very difficult to hold back the tears I was fighting. But I told them.

My mother was shocked to hear how out of hand it got and was very worried about me. My sister wasn't really shocked at all.

They were both really supportive and it felt nice to just let it out. After I explained everything then I let loose and cried on them both. Mom cried too because her and I cry at just about anything. I'm still not sure why she was crying though lol.

I told them that it's over but that he and his wife are talking divorce. My mom basically said to let there be a cool off period before I do anything. Let the divorce finalize which can take months (and months).

My sister texted me privately as we were still on the phone with my mom saying "are you crazy? You waited this long go get your man" to which I didn't reply.

My mother was happy to hear about my seeking help (therapy), and told me not to talk to him anymore. That he's bad news for me. She said it broke her heart to find out about this because she never saw him as such a selfish man. She's always loved him as a son. Her words.

So...anyway.

Nothing has changed. Still feel cruddy but a little better.

January 18, 2017

...You waited this long go get your man"...

Your mom is wrong. He isn't and never was "your" man.

You have chased this guy since you were a child and he never once chose you. I'm being blunt because you are so wrapped in unicorn farts reality is hard to see.

You have never been and will never be his #1.

This is your chance to heal, learn and then find a man who will make you his #1. And you will never doubt it.

Jennifer, you have a great future ahead of you. All you have to do is stop clinging to your past.

January 18, 2017

Nothing has changed.

bingo.

i'll be super harsh - you haven't moved an inch from the place you were at when you wrote your introductory post. & you have no intention to do so. that being said: go ahead and contact him. you'll do it sooner or later anyway. i don't believe in forcing folks to do something they don't want... so it wouldn't make any sense to force you (or for you to force yourself) to move on & forget about him either. this entire "moving on" phase has yet another romantic undertone about it - it's like you're suffering before you run back into his arms or you're waiting for his grand gesture + other folks confirming that you're indeed meant to be together... like in romance novels, everything is well thought out.

it is what it is though... good luck!

Edited January 18, 2017 by minimariah

January 18, 2017

I sometimes visualize a selfie he sent once that was so unflattering! In time, everything aligned up and now I no longer see the attractive man. I see someone I no longer recognize and can't find that attractiveness anymore.

Haha, same here. I pull up a photo I found during a weak moment after NC started, one in which he looks so much older and more haggard. Certainly not the limerance-fueled perfect man I made him out to be.

January 18, 2017

Haha my xmm said he looked like a specific cartoon character and so this is the Picture I use in my head. It makes me laugh and cringe

January 18, 2017

Your mom is wrong. He isn't and never was "your" man.

You have chased this guy since you were a child and he never once chose you. I'm being blunt because you are so wrapped in unicorn farts reality is hard to see.

You have never been and will never be his #1.

This is your chance to heal, learn and then find a man who will make you his #1. And you will never doubt it.

Jennifer, you have a great future ahead of you. All you have to do is stop clinging to your past.

You misread my post.

My mom advised me to stay away from him. She said if anything does happen, we both need a cool off period first. Let the dust of his marriage settle.

My sister texted me privately telling me to go after him. She didn't say it in front of my mom because she knew my mom would probably have scolded her lol

January 18, 2017

bingo.

i'll be super harsh - you haven't moved an inch from the place you were at when you wrote your introductory post. & you have no intention to do so. that being said: go ahead and contact him. you'll do it sooner or later anyway. i don't believe in forcing folks to do something they don't want... so it wouldn't make any sense to force you (or for you to force yourself) to move on & forget about him either. this entire "moving on" phase has yet another romantic undertone about it - it's like you're suffering before you run back into his arms or you're waiting for his grand gesture + other folks confirming that you're indeed meant to be together... like in romance novels, everything is well thought out.

it is what it is though... good luck!

Hey, that's not fair.

I have made progress. I have made changes since I first started this post. I've turned him down at least 3 times. I've stood up for myself, I've told him off, I blocked him, I told him our friendship is over. I haven't contacted him. I think I'm doing a lot better than I was before. It's not fair to say that I'm in the same position when I started. I'm not. I know I'm not.

At least I'm trying harder than I ever have and that has got to count for something.

January 18, 2017

Seriously, don't want to bash, but what's with your fam? If you told your sister the truth and she still insists on going after him, then where is her clear level thinking?

Does she understand the concept of affair, wrecked marriage, neglected child?

This is not about you, but your sister. Is she all right???

Edited January 18, 2017 by BuddyX
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