Will I ever be his #1?

[Onlywhenitrains]

Stay strong, Jen!!!

 

You did great! Keep doing it!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Plus not for nothing but he was not even like proclaiming his love and wanting to be together. He wants a friend. For what, to hang out with till he meets someone new? It's insult on top of injury.

 

Personally I would just not respond again.

[sandylee1]

Jenn,

 

You were too nice in the email, but I like the way you didn't show anger or bitterness towards him, and because then he'd know you still love and want him.

 

Note that he never said he told her it's over and she's gone or he couldn't be with her any more.

 

Anyway... You don't need to dealing with his drama.

 

Well done for saying you can't be friends with him.

[Deidre]

That's great that you broke this off. And said you didn't want to be friends.

 

The next step...completely going no contact. That means, blocking him everyyywhere...and not looking at his facebook, if you're connected there, unfriend him. No contact will truly help you to heal, because you won't be waiting for a call, text, or whatever. He will become a memory, and eventually, the pain will go away. Stay true to yourself.

[Poppy47]

Great job.

 

But you know, within two weeks he'll be at your doorstep. How will you handle that?

 

Also, pay attention to when you actually received the emails. Context context context. Poor Joshy is alone on the weekend. No wife no kid, got a couple cocktails in him and then he's like...."let me fire up an email to my back up plan"

 

Just saying.

 

Jen's message to sounded too victim like to convince a tool like Josh that she is serious.

 

He's not interested in being her friend., or how he has hurt her.... just having a go to girl when he gets feeling sorry for himself.

 

I am probably sounding hypercritical of her great effort, but manipulator's can get around just about anything.

 

Poppy.

[Deidre]

When someone like this tells you that he wants to be your friend, it really means he wants to have you around so he can use you when he wishes to. Like he'll put you on a shelf, and take you down when his wife isn't around. Please go no contact, and stick with it because if you don't, you'll be right back in his life, as if nothing ever changed.

[whichwayisup]

Very impressive! Well done, you handled it perfectly. I'm really proud that you stood up to him and made it clear to him that you're done.

 

When you're done, you're done. That closed sign is for real!

[imsosad]

I'm sure it took a lot of strength to write your reply.

I agree with Poppy, from Josh's perspective, you are being being a bit difficult but not done with him for sure. He just needs to break down your ressistance and he's done that before.

You will have to be super strong.

Keep in mind two things:

A. His wife left him. He's not even trying to make it out to be like he made this decision,probably because your mother/other family members know the truth. If it were up to him,he'd still be with his wife.

B. He broke things off with you when it suited him, now it suits him otherwise. He thinks he can turn you off and on like a light switch, never giving a thought to your needs and feelings. As far as he's concerned, you are here to serve his needs.

So be strong. His mail is basically letting you know that you are now useful to him again, so please get in line.

You can't make him better, you can't make him in to a good man. No one can.

Refuse any further contact with him, no more discussions,no more mails, no coffees, nothing.

You have got to go your own way.

[whichwayisup]

Change your personal address or block him. And do block him at work.

 

If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd wait until he was officially divorced and then wait until the timing was better to ask you out on a real date. Now he's just hoping you'll take him back.

 

I DO believe you're done, just make it impossible for him to contact you. Now is the real hard work, he will continue to contact you or even show up at your door. You need have a threat to him and be ready to follow through on it. Meaning, if he shows up at your door, you call the cops and let them know there's an unwanted person at your house and won't leave.

 

I agree with the others, that he probably thinks that you're still weak and have said so much to him in the past he figures he can manipulate you again and make you cave. BE strong, don't give in, ever.

[jennifernyc84]

You know, if he would've broken it off with me telling me let me deal with my wife and then I'll come back to you, I probably would've waited. But he told me he wanted to work on the relationship with his wife. He said he wanted to kick me like the bad habit that I was. It's only after she left, that he's saying let's be friends and see where it goes.

 

I know where it would go...straight to me bedroom! And no further than that. If sex is what he's after let him find a prostitute,. Or a f*king blow up doll. I've let myself grow old being someone's sex object. I'm 32 freaking years old. He's never cared about me. And that's what hurts the most. I didn't see that before. And even if I did see it, I didn't care. As long as I got to hold him for a few hours. I can't believe I was so dumb. So naive.

 

I'm happy it's over but sad that it had to end this way.

 

I told him I was over him. That was a lie. I wish I was. But it's not worth it. He isn't worth it.

 

Ok.. I'm done. I'm really done. I promise no more contact at all. I won't even open his mails anymore. All it does is set me back and hurt me again, setting up false hopes.

[whichwayisup]

Please be very aware that he is going to pull out all the moves to try to woo you back to him.

 

How will you handle it if he comes to your home? Would you be willing to call the cops on him?

[Poppy47]

Jen,

You are not his first choice. Now she's he will pick you. Is that what you want to be????

 

Just his usual fall back plan???

 

YOU are better than that. It is probably difficult because you families are friendly, but block him on everything and tell your mother. Make sure she knows it all.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

How are you feeling today Jen?

 

Just checking in- I know in the initial stages of telling them where to go you can feel powerful but the drop into missing him (due to that little contact) can be rough.

 

Hold strong!

[ladydesigner]

You rock Jen I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he read your email!!!

 

Stay strong girl don't let him get under your skin if he comes crawling back! *fingers crossed for you*

[jah526]

How are you feeling today Jen?

 

Just checking in- I know in the initial stages of telling them where to go you can feel powerful but the drop into missing him (due to that little contact) can be rough.

 

Hold strong!

 

These cycles are awful aren't they? One day you are feeling empowered and think it's going to last, and the next you are missing him terribly. I guess with time and NC it all fades into nothingness.

[jennifernyc84]

You rock Jen I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he read your email!!!

 

 

 

I said the same!! Lol

 

Thanks for checking in, HCBM,

 

I'm actually doing well. I'm still exhilarated from telling him off. Haven't hit the low yet. I am not afraid of it though. I'm not scared to be without him anymore.

 

It's like going on a diet. You can't fear hunger. Feeling that hunger is a sign that you're body is burning off those extra lbs.

 

That's what I need to do. I need to drop at least 175lbs of extra fat. Am I hungry? Freaking starving!!! But as of right now, food aka Josh, is the enemy!

[freengreen]

He is alone and has all his time to think about his moves. You are not really over him and you have been in love with him for so many years.

 

I am really really hoping you win. Your one will not to go back can do it for you. Good Luck!

[jah526]

I need to drop at least 175lbs of extra fat.

 

LOL!! I was thinking the same thing the other day - I just dropped 230 pounds!

 

Glad to know you are doing well!

Edited January 16, 2017 by jah526

[HeCantBreakMe]

Good job Jen you are doing great.

 

If you have bad days just understand that is okay (acting on the emotions are NOT okay) but hurting is okay.

 

You are not weak because you miss someone or hurt or are sad- these emotions are what make us human. You are strong because of how you deal with those emotions. Choosing to feel them and not act is what makes you strong.

 

I think there are many women following your thread (lurkers) who are finding strength in your posts. Keep being someone elses inspiration.

[jennifernyc84]

It's not that I'm so strong, trust me I'm not. I am just so angry and fed up with his lies. I felt so so used that day when he came over, we made up, had sex and then broke up with me 2 days later telling me that his new year resultion was to get rid of me. Ugh!!! I still get so worked up when I think of it.

 

I refuse to take one more minute of his lies. I think that's what pushed me over the edge. His constant lies

[jennifernyc84]

Hi all, just a random post.

 

I've been feeling so sad all morning and afternoon. Not to sound whiny or anything, I hate sounding desperate. I've already cried twice today. I woke up this morning from a dream about Josh and me. We were cuddling. Nothing dirty. It was very intimate. We were kissing very deeply. It felt so real. I could smell him. It made me miss him so much. I'm still so mad at him, but I feel like I just took a huuuuuuuge leap backwards. I've been thinking about him all day, and about that dream. I keep replaying it in my head. I know it sounds so lame, but it felt so real, like I lost him all over again.

 

I am not going to act on these feelings I just felt like I needed to get this out. I'm on a lunch break right now, but I'm so upset I haven't even touched my food.

[drypuddle]

Hi all, just a random post.

 

I've been feeling so sad all morning and afternoon. Not to sound whiny or anything, I hate sounding desperate. I've already cried twice today. I woke up this morning from a dream about Josh and me. We were cuddling. Nothing dirty. It was very intimate. We were kissing very deeply. It felt so real. I could smell him. It made me miss him so much. I'm still so mad at him, but I feel like I just took a huuuuuuuge leap backwards. I've been thinking about him all day, and about that dream. I keep replaying it in my head. I know it sounds so lame, but it felt so real, like I lost him all over again.

 

I am not going to act on these feelings I just felt like I needed to get this out. I'm on a lunch break right now, but I'm so upset I haven't even touched my food.

 

I totally understand what you're experiencing right now. Just remember that there will be days when you're feeling great and there will be days when you're in the gutter. So you're having a gutter day! Acknowledge and accept that you're sad, and then try to think about all of the positives you've experienced since letting him go and all those possibilities that now exist for you because he isn't in your life anymore!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi all, just a random post.

 

I've been feeling so sad all morning and afternoon. Not to sound whiny or anything, I hate sounding desperate. I've already cried twice today. I woke up this morning from a dream about Josh and me. We were cuddling. Nothing dirty. It was very intimate. We were kissing very deeply. It felt so real. I could smell him. It made me miss him so much. I'm still so mad at him, but I feel like I just took a huuuuuuuge leap backwards. I've been thinking about him all day, and about that dream. I keep replaying it in my head. I know it sounds so lame, but it felt so real, like I lost him all over again.

 

I am not going to act on these feelings I just felt like I needed to get this out. I'm on a lunch break right now, but I'm so upset I haven't even touched my food.

 

It is the drop in the 'rush' from contact I was referring to. It happens i hate to say it is normal because in all of this is anything normal, but the feelings are to be expected and you will have more of these. The dreams can be the worst- I had so many of them.

 

The best thing you can do is mentally not allow any idea of a future with him. Also, when you think of him mentally imagine him looking really gross! I am sure in all of the years you have known him he has one gross time - picture that in your head EVERY time you think of him. .It may seem silly but it does help over time.

[drypuddle]

I sometimes visualize a selfie he sent once that was so unflattering! In time, everything aligned up and now I no longer see the attractive man. I see someone I no longer recognize and can't find that attractiveness anymore.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Agreed.

 

If you spend time researching limerence you will realize that once you are in a limerent state you do magnify the positive qualities of your Limerent object (MM) and minimize their negative qualities so much you do not even realize they exist. This is a huge reason why so many affair partners, once they marry and fall out limerence, end up getting a divorce - they start to see the person for who they really are and think WTF why did I ruin my life for this person?!