Will I ever be his #1?

January 7, 2017

You are right, freengreen, but I'm not pregnant! Lol

I think you got me mixed up with another poster who said she was.

I am not expecting a little bundle. At least not to my knowledge. We did have sex about a week ago, but we used protection.

I recently stopped taking the pill because they were giving me migraines. I told him this. So we used a condom.

Not quite the same, but better to be safe

I did .. didnt I... atleast you got a giggle outta it

January 7, 2017

A healthy relationship?

• Mutual respect for each other.

• Caring and being there for each other

• Being able to have the support of your partner

• Being able to contact them when you want

• Being able to walk down the street your partner

• Not being a hidden secret.

• Being there for your other half.

If I get ill at work. If my car breakdowns .... I can call my husband to come and get me. I don't need to use a burner phone. I don't have to hide when I call him.

He's mine, in the same way in the same way I'm his.

He doesn't have to hide or sneak to come for me.

January 7, 2017

A healthy relationship?

• Mutual respect for each other.

• Caring and being there for each other

• Being able to have the support of your partner

• Being able to contact them when you want

• Being able to walk down the street your partner

• Not being a hidden secret.

• Being there for your other half.

If I get ill at work. If my car breakdowns .... I can call my husband to come and get me. I don't need to use a burner phone. I don't have to hide when I call him.

He's mine, in the same way in the same way I'm his.

He doesn't have to hide or sneak to come for me.

This is all true. Plus when it is a healthy relationship, you are not really talking about it all the time, analyzing it, etc. You are not asking your friends, your mom, your coworkers, the lady in the checkout line their opinions on whether he likes you, what he is really thinking, will he marry you, etc. You already know these things because when a guy is interested, it's pretty obvious. If you are trying to figure him out, he's generally not interested or playing some game.

So if its a healthy relationship, you are not on LS, you are off living your life.

January 7, 2017

So if its a healthy relationship, you are not on LS, you are off living your life.

You can be, but not in the OW section or the infidelity section if it's a healthy relationship.

January 8, 2017

So if its a healthy relationship, you are not on LS, you are off living your life.

Just an observation, but I do wonder what motivates some posters who are in supposedly 'healthy' relationships to invest so much time on the Other Man/Woman forum.

January 8, 2017

Just an observation, but I do wonder what motivates some posters who are in supposedly 'healthy' relationships to invest so much time on the Other Man/Woman forum.

My background; My ExW cheated on me numerous times. While I'm not currently in a relationship I read these stories and can actually pinpoint where the WS crossed the line.

I'm trying to help LS members see through the BS and Fog. I find it depressing how many WS still have the same mentality; "My cupcake would never stray. They love me me too much."

January 8, 2017

My background; My ExW cheated on me numerous times. While I'm not currently in a relationship I read these stories and can actually pinpoint where the WS crossed the line.

I'm trying to help LS members see through the BS and Fog. I find it depressing how many WS still have the same mentality; "My cupcake would never stray. They love me me too much."

Thanks for the response.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your ExW, especially several times. If you don't mind me asking, how long has she been your ex?

I actually find many of your responses that I've seen on this forum, insightful and respectfully delivered. I do get why BS's might want to come to this forum, I just have a bit of an intolerance to those that come here to B**** slap. The forum clearly states who and what it is there for, and it isn't for that, so I do wonder why some posters in healthy relationships choose to invest so much time persistently responding on a forum they don't have personal experience in. It just strikes me as a little strange!

To keep it on topic...

To the thread starter, you'll never be his number 1 as he holds that position himself! If he didn't, he'd be selfless enough not to be cheating on his wife.

January 8, 2017

My background; My ExW cheated on me numerous times. While I'm not currently in a relationship I read these stories and can actually pinpoint where the WS crossed the line.

I'm trying to help LS members see through the BS and Fog. I find it depressing how many WS still have the same mentality; "My cupcake would never stray. They love me me too much."

I've greatly appreciated all the men who post here, they tend to mostly be BS, only a few WS, but they have given me great insight into the mind of a man. I see it very clearly now. Women put their own feelings and thoughts into a man's mind and are surprised when they do not act like us. Worse, men know this and feed us lies to obtain what they want from us, so we get really sucked in. Many posters don't want to hear it and fight back with "not my situation, this guy loves me, it's different". But it's not different for 99.9%. It's all the same. I believe now. Completely.

January 8, 2017

Just an observation, but I do wonder what motivates some posters who are in supposedly 'healthy' relationships to invest so much time on the Other Man/Woman forum.

It's a good reminder for me that there was nothing special about my affair, that he said the same things I read here over and over. I read the stories on the other board; I read the men's pain over their wives, how they can't let go and move on, how they take the abuse from their WW, trying to hold on to their marriage. It reminds me to never to do that to my own husband again, it didn't get to that point but it could have. It's terrible to cause another person so much pain.

I like to help people here but it's tough. Many are so deep in the fog.

January 8, 2017

Thanks for the response.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your ExW, especially several times. If you don't mind me asking, how long has she been your ex?

I actually find many of your responses that I've seen on this forum, insightful and respectfully delivered. I do get why BS's might want to come to this forum, I just have a bit of an intolerance to those that come here to B**** slap. The forum clearly states who and what it is there for, and it isn't for that, so I do wonder why some posters in healthy relationships choose to invest so much time persistently responding on a forum they don't have personal experience in. It just strikes me as a little strange!

To keep it on topic..."

3 years Post Divorce. The red flags were there. But silly me, I thought we were in a solid relationship.
After spending some time on LS, now I clearly see the how an Affair can transpire.

Im not here on the forum to find closure. Oh no. Im here to verbally slap any cheating spouse who actually believes their situation is somehow different.

January 8, 2017

quote from BuddyX

Im not here on the forum to find closure. Oh no. Im here to verbally slap any cheating spouse who actually believes their situation is somehow different.

^^^^^^ I like this.

I'm not an OW/ WW or BW, but this forum is really insightful for my work with marriage preparation training, my in school.work on marriage (hopes/fears) as part of RS and my support/ helper role with OWs/OMs/BWS and BHs . I hear their stories/ pain first hand, so I get a fairly balanced perspective on things.

It's also good to point out that the affairs people are basking in, are hurting innocent spouses and children. So many here are so focused on themselves, declaring how nice a person they are, while ignoring the very obvious damage they are a part of.

A few harsh but true words of reality can get through to them, that they're being used like Jenn here and get them to see. MM for what he truly is. ..... which is not your friend by a long shot.

This forum isnt about spurring people on to continue in affairs, while they are clearly in pain or causing pain.

The advice you need isn't always the advice you want. It's sometimes known as 'tough love'

When you get an OW/OM who thinks theirs is a special kind of love, then a knock into the real world out of affairyland doesn't go amiss.

It helps OW/OM realise that MM/ MW was taking advantage and you're an accomplice in his or her'crime', whilst he/she is moving forward with their family and enjoying life. Great for him, but not for Jenn, as in this case.

I hope you're doing okay today Jenn. Remember that small steps will get you there. Time is a healer and be kind to yourself. You're worth it and you will be someone's number 1 in the future. A man who is worthy of your love, not one who'll keep you hidden. Chin up eh.☺

Edited January 8, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

January 9, 2017

"in the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you."

have some self worth. Don't be his 'sometimes'

excellent quote!!!

January 9, 2017

God that fear is THE WORSE!

I wonder if he knows how scared I am of losing him? Is he afraid of losing me?

I've only read 3 pages of 43 in this thread but wanted to respond to this^^^...

He is not afraid of losing you because he knows how scared you are of losing him. He has all the power here and he knows it, because you have proven it to him through your actions. Every time you give him an ounce of your energy after telling him to choose (while he has clearly chosen her by remaining with her) reinforces his certainty that you are scared to lose him...and that he can treat you any which way and never fear losing you (i.e. his cake). The longer this goes on, the more he knows he can enjoy being in the driver seat dictating all the terms and conditions while you stay right where he wants you--painfully waiting (and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting ad naseum)!

Take care of YOU!!!

Edited January 9, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

January 9, 2017

Has he tried to contact you, Jen? I hope he doesn't try to pull you back in...

January 9, 2017

I do wonder why some posters in healthy relationships choose to invest so much time persistently responding on a forum they don't have personal experience in. It just strikes me as a little strange!

As a BW I can relate to OW in that one day I discovered that the man I loved had a relationship with someone else, and I could eat crow and hang on to whatever he would give me, or I could declare that I was worth so much more than being part of a love triangle and exit said love triangle immediately. Love triangles can't exist if one person refuses to play her part, can they? I see agreeing to that arrangement as a failure of self-esteem and judgment no matter which part you play.

For me personally, I did come to LS to try to understand the OW's point of view. I really couldn't fathom why somebody would take that deal, and mostly I still can't, but I try to understand the different ways people rationalize their choices so I can have more compassion and a fuller understanding. That's important to me in healing and moving forward.

And let's face it, yes, this is an internet forum full of people who sought out relationship advice . . . take everything you read with a grain of salt. But if somebody is further down the road from you, even just a bit, they can usually impart some wisdom. You can look at a poster's profile to see if their posts generally receive "likes" and from that glean if they resonate with others when they offer advice or experience.

January 9, 2017

And Jen, I do hope you are hanging in there and finding ways to cope when the big feelings hit. Don't let the down moments send you back to him.

January 9, 2017

Feeling a lot stronger lately. He hasn't tried to contact me at all. At least not to my knowledge. I've blocked him everywhere he can be blocked, and last I checked he's blocked me too.

No packages at the front desk, or surprise visits either. I'm taking it one day at a time. I get sad, lonely, and angry once in a while, but I push through. Chances are, he isn't feeling lonely at all, being that he has his wife!!!

So yeah, I'm ok. Not great..definitely could be better, but ok.

I can only do my best, and hope that it's enough.

January 9, 2017

Today is a good day for updates!

Keep going.

Just an update for you all. I stuck with NC completely. I think secretly I was at first trying to use it as a weapon to force him to choose me. That of course didn't work at all BUT I gained clarity and the realization that I was completely stupid about this whole thing.

I look at the whole thing now and I am totally disgusted with him and myself for what happened. I wouldn't want him now if he came to me on hands and knees and that is a good thing!

I am moving on, and dating, and just trying to get over the anger at myself and him. I've had a few nice dates with a guy my own age and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel happy for the first time in years.

I heard through the grapevine that he and his wife are now "working things out"
He told me that would never happen. Just whatever.

January 9, 2017

And I just realized, it's been days since I've actually cried over him. I didn't think the crying would ever end. I am able to think back and not cry anymore. Where as before, I'd burst into tears at the mention of his name.

I still miss him. But not the him that he's become. The old him. But that guy no longer exists. And you know what? Neither does the girl who was so desperate for him. She took a one way trip to Get the hell outta my lifeville. Lol

I'm hoping that he doesn't try and contact me. I would hate to relapse as I know is very possible. As of right now, I feel like I could resist. But only time will tell what the future holds.

January 9, 2017

I'm hoping that he doesn't try and contact me. I would hate to relapse as I know is very possible. As of right now, I feel like I could resist. But only time will tell what the future holds.

What you say to yourself is very important. Don't say it's possible or that time will tell. Say NOPE. Say if he contacts me, I WILL resist. Reinforce your strength and determination.

What you tell yourself is very powerful. Give yourself no wiggle room to make the wrong choice. You can do it!

January 9, 2017

Because... he WILL contact you.

And he won't be contacting you because he loves you and can't live without you.

He will contact you because he needs an ego boost. He will have an argument with his wife or a bad day at work or one of his other side gals will break it off, and he'll need the confirmation that he's awesome, and he knows you will give it to him. Don't!!!!

January 9, 2017

And I just realized, it's been days since I've actually cried over him. I didn't think the crying would ever end. I am able to think back and not cry anymore. Where as before, I'd burst into tears at the mention of his name.

I still miss him. But not the him that he's become. The old him. But that guy no longer exists. And you know what? Neither does the girl who was so desperate for him. She took a one way trip to Get the hell outta my lifeville. Lol

I'm hoping that he doesn't try and contact me. I would hate to relapse as I know is very possible. As of right now, I feel like I could resist. But only time will tell what the future holds.

So impressed and so proud of you Jen! You are doing a great job.

January 9, 2017

Good job Jen! My xMM has tried to contact me but like some other posters here have mentioned you have too believe in yourself. I decided before he tried to initiate contact again that it just wasn't going to happen. That was the best thing I did, deciding that I was strong enough and I wanted to live my life in the light of day.

January 10, 2017

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

He is responsible for his decision to have an affair, you are responsible for your decision to participate as his affair partner.

January 10, 2017

I'm hoping that he doesn't try and contact me. I would hate to relapse as I know is very possible. As of right now, I feel like I could resist. But only time will tell what the future holds.

I don't know if this would help you, but I had a mental plan in place in case xAP ever contacted me, or I saw him on the street, etc. Basically it was walk away or say nothing. And if I did have to say something, it was "Please leave me alone." To me, having a specific plan in place, a specific something to say, made me feel better and stronger if he ever did contact me. I've never had to actually implement my plan, but knowing in advance exactly what I would do/say made me feel more confident, especially in the early days. GL!

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