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Will I ever be his #1?

jennifernyc84

By jennifernyc84
in The Other Man / Woman

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever been broken up with.

 

I've only ever been in one other relationship before Josh, and I broke up with fit to be with Josh.

 

I've dated other guys but nothing serious. Nothing that hurt me when it ended. The relationship would just kind of fade away.

 

Even with Josh, we broke up many times. But it was always my doing.

 

So this is the first time I've ever been the one being dumped. It sucks so bad.

HeCantBreakMe Established Member

HeCantBreakMe

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Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever been broken up with.

 

I've only ever been in one other relationship before Josh, and I broke up with fit to be with Josh.

 

I've dated other guys but nothing serious. Nothing that hurt me when it ended. The relationship would just kind of fade away.

 

Even with Josh, we broke up many times. But it was always my doing.

 

So this is the first time I've ever been the one being dumped. It sucks so bad.

 

Sorry- it does suck and it does hurt!

 

Nothing is easy though - what would be better having him tell you how much he loves you and trying to find the strength to walk away (that hasn't worked well in the past has it?)

 

Look at it this way - he did you a favor and really you did walk away first after you told him what you wanted and needed. He couldn't comply with that request so now you are dusting yourself off and getting your power back.

 

It hurts- yes and it will not get easier for some time but eventually it will get better. Just get through today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day, and so on.

 

You are single, and beautiful- get out there and enjoy it!

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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Hope your doing okay Jennifer x

 

Hey Laura,

Thanks for checking on me :)

 

I'm doing ok. Not 100%, but definitely better.

 

I've stared doing yoga again. I gave intstructions for 2 years when I first moved here. With so much going on, I stopped for a while. Getting back into it feels great!

 

A friend from work and I have begun working on a project we've been talking about for some months now. It's still a long way before it's off the ground but it's exciting.

 

I still have difficult moments when I feel like I'm going to break down, but I'm trying to brace through them. I'm telling myself it won't last forever. Pain, does not last forever. Storms do not last forever. That's what this is..a storm. It will pass.

 

I still miss him and hate where I'm at, but I'm reminding myself that it is for the best.

 

It's hard to let him go though. He's not just a guy I've been sleeping with. He's also my friend. I've never known a life without him in it.

 

But people grow up. I guess I have to, too.

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MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

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Hey Laura,

Thanks for checking on me :)

 

I'm doing ok. Not 100%, but definitely better.

 

I've stared doing yoga again. I gave intstructions for 2 years when I first moved here. With so much going on, I stopped for a while. Getting back into it feels great!

 

A friend from work and I have begun working on a project we've been talking about for some months now. It's still a long way before it's off the ground but it's exciting.

 

I still have difficult moments when I feel like I'm going to break down, but I'm trying to brace through them. I'm telling myself it won't last forever. Pain, does not last forever. Storms do not last forever. That's what this is..a storm. It will pass.

 

I still miss him and hate where I'm at, but I'm reminding myself that it is for the best.

 

It's hard to let him go though. He's not just a guy I've been sleeping with. He's also my friend. I've never known a life without him in it.

 

But people grow up. I guess I have to, too.

 

He's not your friend. Friends don't do this to each other. Trust me. They don't purposely use and hurt each other.

 

I know what you are going through. The first step is to realize that statement is the truth.

 

Missing him is normal. We all tend to miss the people who hurt us the most.

 

“Did I ever really love Big or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable?”~Carrie

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Hey Laura,

Thanks for checking on me :)

 

I'm doing ok. Not 100%, but definitely better.

 

It's hard to let him go though. He's not just a guy I've been sleeping with. He's also my friend. I've never known a life without him in it.

 

.

 

He acted like a friend to get what he wanted from you ... sex.

 

The minute you made it clear you wanted more, you got dropped. If you had never asked for more, you'd still be his mistress.

 

It was okay as long as it was on his terms.

 

You never got to experience a real relationship with him. Like dates, vacations, meeting the family as a GF. Truthis, you might not have liked him as a BF. You just got the sex and it's fine to take you to the cinema or a concert with the lights out, where you can't be seen easily or where he could deny you were together.

 

It's no relationship if you can't have dinner with your BF, sitting in a restaurant by the window watching people walk by.

 

Not asking for the table furthest in the corner that's dimly lit.

 

You know you deserve more than that Jenn.

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Jenn

 

Whenever you say he's your friend. .... because you have been saying that consistently ... read back on your old threads. He only ever wanted you as a secondary physical fling

 

Remember this from before you started sleeping with him?

 

I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said.

 

Truth is ... He's never been phased. He's just loved having you infatuated with him.

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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Jenn

 

Whenever you say he's your friend. .... because you have been saying that consistently ... read back on your old threads. He only ever wanted you as a secondary physical fling

 

Remember this from before you started sleeping with him?

 

I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said.

 

Truth is ... He's never been phased. He's just loved having you infatuated with him.

 

 

I guess after he got bored with his marriage, it was easy to hop into bed with me. He knew I wouldn't even question him about it. And you guys are right, sandy and blue, that's not how friends treat each other.

 

Thinking back on it now, he would always kinda use me to feed his ego. Even when we were kids, he'd do thing that would totally boggle my mind trying to figure out what they meant. As embarrassing as this may sound, but then again I was a kid myself, I would cry myself to sleep many nights, because he'd build me up so high, then break me down.

 

Like one summer, I was 16. I'd never even kissed a boy yet. I was too busy pining away for Josh to even think of other guys. a bunch of us were goofing around on the boardwalk. As night came, it got a bit chilly. He asked me if I was cold. I said a little bit. He told me he could tell, because my nipples were hard. Then he told me that I had beautiful t*ts. My jaw dropped and my face turned beet red. Then he put his jacket on me and kind of fondled my breasts a little. It had me soooo confused.

 

That was the same summer we had our first kiss, Josh and me. He kissed me in my parents house as we were watching tv. After that, nothing. I'd wait. I'd pray. But nothing.

 

We kissed a few more times and he'd run his hands up and down my body but that was it. I'd let it happen because I thought it would lead to more. Not like sex. Like him loving me. I didn't know any better. I was only 16.

 

Thinking of it now, it's the same thing he's been doing to me all of our lives. And I've always been waiting for more, never to receive it.

Edited by jennifernyc84
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cloche Member

cloche

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I despise this man.

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freengreen Established Member

freengreen

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He's been playing with you since a child. Your prince turned out to be a monster. This is making me sad, really.

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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I despise this man.

 

I'm beginning to, too.

 

I was so blinded that I couldn't see that he was killing me slowly.

 

I'm so damaged I don't even know if I can be repaired.

 

I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Jenn

 

I'm glad you're seeing him for what he is. He's used you as a disposable you for a very long time.

 

You better not let him deny you a chance of finding true love. You weren't put on earth to sit on the sidelines while he enjoys his life. You owe it to yourself to pull through this and stuff him.

 

Find anger if you need to, but I bet you'd have no problem in the end. Take slow steps ... but don't stand still. ... Keep moving forwards.

 

When I was heartbroken, my goal was to show myself and also my Ex that he wasn't the only man on earth and I was capable of doing way better than him. We have a mutual friend and at times when I saw our friend ... he'd say "you look great, X doesn't know what he lost".

 

When I got married, I invited our mutual friend ... he went on to see me have my children. I knew he was telling my Ex how great I was doing.

 

I know my life is so much better than it would have been with him. No chance in hell was he going to stop me finding love.

 

And you know ... much as I thought I loved him at the time ... I also think back on some things that he did and realise how selfish he was. At the time I called it love, but age and wisdom tell me better.

 

 

Like he'd be working a night shift and would get his friends to come and take me out to party. I thought it was kind, but now I see it as him wanting to keep tabs on me. I could barely move with his friends around.

 

Don't be defeated and know that time is your friend. Not Josh. Who got pissed off that you dared to ask for more than being his bit on the side. Hence his stupid comment about being stabbed in the back. He's deluded.

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eye of the storm Established Member

eye of the storm

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I'm beginning to, too. good, he deserves it!

 

I was so blinded that I couldn't see that he was killing me slowly. WAS, he was. Past tense. You know now, you can protect yourself and heal.

 

I'm so damaged I don't even know if I can be repaired. Yes you can. You just have to believe it. You have to work on it.

 

I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved. This is a lie. You are loved by your parents, you love them. You are loved by your brother, you love him. You are loved by friends and you love them. You know.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

 

Jennifer, what is a healthy relationship is the hardest one. A good solid relationship takes 2 healthy happy people and they enrich each other.

 

And it looks different to different people. But the main basics are communication, respect, and affection.

 

Can you two talk. Do you feel safe talking, do they. (by safe I mean your words will not be used as weapons in a future fight)

 

Do you think they are a good person, do they think you are. Are you happy and proud of them, are they of you.

 

Are you happy when they come home, are they happy when you do. Do you look forward to spending time with them, do they.

 

Jennifer, this will take time. Time for you to heal. Time for you to learn. But, if you want it, you work for it, you decide you deserve it. It will happen. You have been a dirty secret for so long it is your normal. It will take a lot of time to learn a new better normal. But it is possible.

  • Like 3
cloche Member

cloche

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I'm beginning to, too.

 

I was so blinded that I couldn't see that he was killing me slowly.

 

I'm so damaged I don't even know if I can be repaired.

 

I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

 

Hush now, Jennifer <said kindly>.

 

You're not damaged, but hurting, and badly so; there's a difference.

 

Let old man time and NC do their work.

 

You *do* know how to love - is it not precisely this quality in you that he exploited? - and when the time is right, you find yourself ready, and are connecting with a good, happy, and decent man - someone who enhances your life rather than sapping it - you will instinctively recognize it and know what to do.

 

Remember: you must give luck a chance.

Edited by cloche
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Tiana09 Member

Tiana09

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Please do yourself a favour and move on from this man. If being with his wife is as miserable as he says he would have left her for you already but he still chooses her. You deserve better not to be a second choice.i know it hurts and you miss him,I'm going through the same,and he keeps coming back professing his love for you but you are strong.Dont fall for it.Someone better out there is waiting for you!

  • Like 1
Starswillshine Established Member

Starswillshine

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You are NOT damaged. Just maybe a little broken right now.... but the good thing about that... you can be fixed! Your broken heart will be fixed. And you will be loved by a man who deserves you. Your posts scream what a loving, devoted person you are. You were taken advantaged.

 

Hugs.

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BuddyX Established Member

BuddyX

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And when it's time to date again don't mention J. Unless he specificity inquiries.

Reason I say that, I was on a date and MsD mention an "on and off" relationship with a guy for over 2 years. My response, "Check please".

 

She still had his # in her contacts.

 

That's drama I did not want to deal with.

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heartwhole Established Member

heartwhole

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I'm beginning to, too.

 

I was so blinded that I couldn't see that he was killing me slowly.

 

I'm so damaged I don't even know if I can be repaired.

 

I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

 

You have room to grow, but you are NOT damaged beyond repair.

 

It's helpful to think of most things in life as a continuum or bell curve. Maybe you're more on the unhealthy end of the spectrum at the moment. But it's not all/nothing, black/white. It doesn't mean that there's nothing healthy in your life, or that you've never loved another person or been loved. It just means that with IC and learning new skills, you can grow to be healthier than ever.

 

Your realizations are good. You need to see things clearly. But don't let that clarity defeat you -- channel that girl who likes to kick ass and take names.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

 

(((Jen))) my heart breaks for you! No one deserves this! I am beiginning to think it is awful of men to con women just to bed them! I can't even begin to tell you how often I have experienced this. The difference between genders just has me exasperated. It's so true or so it seems men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love, is anyone getting anything?

 

Agh sorry for ranting! I think it is great you are seeing J for who he really is. He is a user! Just for the record marriage doesn't save you from this madness either you can be married for 15 years and still discover your spouse was not the person you thought they were!

 

Life is a trip and quite painful and surreal at times. While it's not always bad these kind of things tend to leave a person more cynical unfortunately. I know I am!

Lauracake Member

Lauracake

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I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

 

But at least you know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, use that knowledge and all you have learnt through this s£&tstorm and you will find your happily ever after. Your not damaged, you just lost your way a little bit x

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freengreen Established Member

freengreen

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I'm beginning to, too.

 

I was so blinded that I couldn't see that he was killing me slowly.

 

I'm so damaged I don't even know if I can be repaired.

 

I have no idea what a healthy relationship feels like. I don't know how to love and be loved.

 

It's a sad and scary realization.

one thing, you were not born to take his a&&holery. He did not respect you or your love. You kept expecting from him, he kept using you.

 

Change this. Respect yourself, you have to treat yourself precious, nurture yourself. It IS possible but not by anyone else but YOU. Your child needs you to be a pillar, and you can be one :).

 

Dust yourself. Straighten your tiara... be a hero to your little bundle. Hugs.

HeCantBreakMe Established Member

HeCantBreakMe

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Honestly Jen- I would tell your parents the truth about all of this. This man is a TERRIBLE excuse for a human being. Everyone else needs to loath him as much as we all do.

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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one thing, you were not born to take his a&&holery. He did not respect you or your love. You kept expecting from him, he kept using you.

 

Change this. Respect yourself, you have to treat yourself precious, nurture yourself. It IS possible but not by anyone else but YOU. Your child needs you to be a pillar, and you can be one :).

 

Dust yourself. Straighten your tiara... be a hero to your little bundle. Hugs.

 

You are right, freengreen, but I'm not pregnant! Lol

 

I think you got me mixed up with another poster who said she was.

 

I am not expecting a little bundle. At least not to my knowledge. We did have sex about a week ago, but we used protection.

 

I recently stopped taking the pill because they were giving me migraines. I told him this. So we used a condom.

 

Not quite the same, but better to be safe

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jennifernyc84 Established Member

jennifernyc84

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Honestly Jen- I would tell your parents the truth about all of this. This man is a TERRIBLE excuse for a human being. Everyone else needs to loath him as much as we all do.

 

I thought about it. My mom knew about it from the start, but I didn't fill her completely in with all the details.

 

I don't know if I should. I'm ashamed to even talk about it with my family. The things I've done for "love".. it's really embarrassing and it makes me look like a sex fiend. Which I am not.

Lauracake Member

Lauracake

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You are right, freengreen, but I'm not pregnant! Lol

 

I think you got me mixed up with another poster who said she was.

 

I am not expecting a little bundle. At least not to my knowledge. We did have sex about a week ago, but we used protection.

 

I recently stopped taking the pill because they were giving me migraines. I told him this. So we used a condom.

 

Not quite the same, but better to be safe

 

Thank god for small mercies, save your babies for a deserving human being..... not sure where to find one but your future is out there x

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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