Will I ever be his #1?

January 2, 2017

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

My way of getting over it ,is knowing I don't mean as much to a man, as he means to me. Because a man who really truly loved you, would want to have you by his side.

He'd want to show you off to his friends.

He'd be proud that you're with him.

Not sneaking around and not being able to be with you in public.

A man who loved you, wouldn't keep you from finding a husband and having children.

That's how I drop any feelings of love for such a man .... knowing he doesn't cherish me or have my best interest at heart.

You won't forget about him overnight. I laid awake at night for months when I was heartbroken. I was would cry in the bathroom for so long.

But I knew I deserved the same love back and that kept me going.

He loved:

• the ego strokes.

• that you'd do anything for him.

• that you were always up for sex with hiim

• that you adored him (who wouldn't)

• that you would never betray him

• that you believed his future faking. .. until you didn't

January 2, 2017

As of tomorrow morning I've decided to check out some therapist. I have a few in mind so far. Not sure yet though of which one I'll choose.

What exactly should I be looking for in a therapist?

Lots of people will ask their primary care provider (pcp) for a referral depending on your insurance, and others will ask family/friends.

If this does not feel comfortable for you, go online. You will want to look for licensing first and type of therapy...ie cognitive/behavioral vs. psychoanalysis.

Gender is important, you want to feel comfortable and open, gender can play a role. Transference is a real thing...I had a huge crush on my peer counselor and she was a woman, it can play a part.

Compatibility is imo the most important aspect. No two therapists will inspire the same sense of security and this is important for progress. If you find that you are more concerned with pleasing your therapist than addressing your issues, little will be achieved.

Start by calling two or three, unless you already have someone in mind, and ask if you may have an intake interview to find a proper fit. This will involve 15-30 min. of giving a brief summary of what you are looking for and they will briefly reflect your needs (as they interpret) back to you.

This allows for a face to face dynamic, much like speed dating. You will be able to determine the energy and comfort.

I am rusty on all of this and there will be other posters who will add relevant advice.

This is a link giving more info. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/2016/08/the-different-types-of-therapists-and-counselors-the-complete-guide/

I'm really glad that you are willing to use this resource, with a proper match, it should really help. You need support.

Take care.

January 3, 2017

I will give this a good shot. I'll try it for a few months to see if there's any progress. If there is, I will continue. If not, I'll stop. Simple as that. But I will give it a try. I mean, I haven't got much left to lose.

I realize I can't get over him on my own. I just keep going through the same emotions over again on loop.

Sadness, anger, shame, self loathing, then come the empowering "I can do this" feelings. Then I bounce right back to sadness and its loops all over again.

Something needs to break this cycle.

i know that I just saw him only a few days ago but I miss him already.

January 3, 2017

I asked my health provider for some recommendations and she gave me a few cbt therapists that my insurance covers. I did some research on the 3, and made my disision. The appointment is on the 10th.

My plan until then, is to try not to think of Josh. I'm successful half of the time, but he creeps in every now and then.

It still hurts and makes me angry when I let myself think of everything that's happened. My feelings haven't changed at all so far.

I feel like I can't cope with all of this. It's too much. I'm a minute away from breaking down and crying at all times.

January 3, 2017

I asked my health provider for some recommendations and she gave me a few cbt therapists that my insurance covers. I did some research on the 3, and made my disision. The appointment is on the 10th.

My plan until then, is to try not to think of Josh. I'm successful half of the time, but he creeps in every now and then.

It still hurts and makes me angry when I let myself think of everything that's happened. My feelings haven't changed at all so far.

I feel like I can't cope with all of this. It's too much. I'm a minute away from breaking down and crying at all times.

One day after mine. When I get like this, sounds crazy but I talk to myself and say, "It's going to be ok. I'm getting you some help."

January 3, 2017

I know this is petty and childish, but I want so badly to tell him off.

He's trying to make me look like a fool. Granted I've done a pretty good job of that myself, he has no right to do it to me!

I'm struggling with myself, trying not to blow this up. I could easily do so. It just makes me so mad.

January 3, 2017

Jennifer, that desire to tell him off is the desire to stay in contact.

Any contact, positive or negative, is feeding your addiction.

No contact of any kind.

You can do this. Just keep moving forward.

January 3, 2017

I promise you it does get easier- BUT ONLY if you stay NC. Just fight each day through each emotion and eventually the pain, anger, hurt, thinking of him, eventually it will lessen and you will feel like you can breathe.

Just remember healing isn't linear it is up and down, 5 steps forward 10 steps back- but you have to fight through the addiction by telling yourself this emotion will not last forever.

There was a point, after my affair ended, that i felt like the thoughts in my head were so LOUD that i could hardly think. I wanted to bang my head against the wall to get it to quiet down thinking over and over about him it was stifling. One thing my therapist told me is those thoughts inside your head- they cant hurt you. They can scream and rage at you but they cannot hurt you or make you act on your emotions. Let your feelings come, let the thoughts come but stay focused on the end goal- you healing and moving forward.

Focus, move forward, focus move forward- you got this.

Just remember- contact of any kind (including looking at pictures, social media, reading old emails) is bad, bad, bad.

Have you been able to confide in someone- close friend or family member ? someone that can hold you accountable? Someone who hates josh?!

January 3, 2017

I know this is petty and childish, but I want so badly to tell him off.

He's trying to make me look like a fool. Granted I've done a pretty good job of that myself, he has no right to do it to me!

I'm struggling with myself, trying not to blow this up. I could easily do so. It just makes me so mad.

The affair was between the two of you, he's not trying to make you look like a fool. Nobody else knew.

Apart from the therapy you'll be having, just be kind to your body. Pamper, spa, massage type things.

You've already had a makeover .... buy a couple of new outfits and treat yourself to slinky underwear, to make you feel good.

Get out with your girls for a coffee when you can.

Distractions are good.

Try not to give him headspace.

Get a few selfies with your new look and update your profile pics.

January 4, 2017

The affair was between the two of you, he's not trying to make you look like a fool. Nobody else knew.

Apart from the therapy you'll be having, just be kind to your body. Pamper, spa, massage type things.
You've already had a makeover .... buy a couple of new outfits and treat yourself to slinky underwear, to make you feel good.

Get out with your girls for a coffee when you can.

Distractions are good.

Try not to give him headspace.

Get a few selfies with your new look and update your profile pics.

I'm going to be really honest here. None of this stuff worked for me, I was consumed that he got away with lying about me to his wife and laughing about it to me. I did not start to feel better till she knew the whole truth.

I think his wife should know that her husband had an affair for 5 years. I'd want to know.

I totally realize I am projecting my life onto hers, but why should this guy Josh get to do whatever he wants and then get away with it, leaving bodies in his wake?

Plus you know he is going to be back. There is only one way to stop this.

January 4, 2017

Plus these guys, they are so full of themselves, they don't even worry that we would tell on them. They think we are sooooooo pathetic and devoted to them that they are safe.

Somewhere in NYC is a woman whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and getting away with ruining lives. Luckily none of my friends are married to a guy named Josh.

January 4, 2017

I'm going to be really honest here. None of this stuff worked for me, I was consumed that he got away with lying about me to his wife and laughing about it to me. I did not start to feel better till she knew the whole truth.

I think his wife should know that her husband had an affair for 5 years. I'd want to know.

I totally realize I am projecting my life onto hers, but why should this guy Josh get to do whatever he wants and then get away with it, leaving bodies in his wake?

Plus you know he is going to be back. There is only one way to stop this.

Yes he'll be back. If there's a special anniversary for you two coming up, he'll contact you. Val Day is around the corner. Just saying. And let's not forget biology. His wife will say no a couple times in a row, and you can figure out the rest.

You have to keep that in mind and prepare yourself. Have an answer to any question that pops up.

Edited January 4, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

January 4, 2017

Yes he'll be back. If there's a special anniversary for you two coming up, he'll contact you. Val Day is around the corner. Just saying. And let's not forget biology. His wife will say no a couple times in a row, and you can figure out the rest.

You have to keep that in mind and prepare yourself. Have an answer to any question that pops up.

I'm telling you. All this was all about payback. Jennifer humiliated him. He probably sat in that show alone and felt like a total fool. This is not about his wife at all. He doesn't give a rat's a*s about his wife and kid. It's about showing her who is boss. He wore her down till she caved and then thought, now it's your turn.

He will 100% be back. There is only one way to stop this train wreck. If it was me or one of my friends in NYC, I'd want to know/them to know. He is going to ruin everyone's lives.

January 4, 2017

I'm telling you. All this was all about payback. Jennifer humiliated him. He probably sat in that show alone and felt like a total fool. This is not about his wife at all. He doesn't give a rat's a*s about his wife and kid. It's about showing her who is boss. He wore her down till she caved and then thought, now it's your turn.

He will 100% be back. There is only one way to stop this train wreck. If it was me or one of my friends in NYC, I'd want to know/them to know. He is going to ruin everyone's lives.

^^This exactly MidnightBlue>he will be back as soon as Jen has been punished to his liking, sigh.

January 4, 2017

IHe doesn't give a rat's a*s about his wife and kid. It's about showing her who is boss.

Sheesh. If this is the case, I feel very sorry for him that he has no capacity to truly love anyone. Is it all about power and control with these guys?

January 4, 2017

I know this is petty and childish, but I want so badly to tell him off.

He's trying to make me look like a fool. Granted I've done a pretty good job of that myself, he has no right to do it to me!

I'm struggling with myself, trying not to blow this up. I could easily do so. It just makes me so mad.

DO NOT contact him. Doing that will show him how weak you are and that he can still manipulate you. Pour out your thoughts with pen and paper, write it all out and then burn the letter. Or post what you want to say to him on here.

There was a back and forth, he knew how to push your buttons and you let him. He knew your weaknesses. Now you know this, don't ever EVER reply to anything he sends you, even though you want to tell him a big old F.U! don't. Silence is golden and will give YOU the pleasure of feeling in control of your life.

Love yourself, respect yourself. He certainly doesn't.

January 4, 2017

Everything is telling me to man up and tell his wife, but I'm fighting it.

I don't want to exploit myself. I know his family and they know mine. I'd hate to have to get anyone else involved. Not to mention, that I still can't find it in me to hurt him. It would hurt me, to hurt him. Dumb, I know.

Like another poster suggested, I just need to take it one day at a time. I can get there. It won't be easy but I will get there.

My heart is so broken right now though.

January 4, 2017

I promise you it does get easier- BUT ONLY if you stay NC. Just fight each day through each emotion and eventually the pain, anger, hurt, thinking of him, eventually it will lessen and you will feel like you can breathe.

Just remember healing isn't linear it is up and down, 5 steps forward 10 steps back- but you have to fight through the addiction by telling yourself this emotion will not last forever.

There was a point, after my affair ended, that i felt like the thoughts in my head were so LOUD that i could hardly think. I wanted to bang my head against the wall to get it to quiet down thinking over and over about him it was stifling. One thing my therapist told me is those thoughts inside your head- they cant hurt you. They can scream and rage at you but they cannot hurt you or make you act on your emotions. Let your feelings come, let the thoughts come but stay focused on the end goal- you healing and moving forward.

Focus, move forward, focus move forward- you got this.

Just remember- contact of any kind (including looking at pictures, social media, reading old emails) is bad, bad, bad.

Have you been able to confide in someone- close friend or family member ? someone that can hold you accountable? Someone who hates josh?!

The only one besides my parents and siblings who know Josh, is one of my friends. My other friends know of him, but have never met him.

NONE of them like Josh lol. They all hate him and bash him constantly. I think that's mostly because of how bad I've been making him seem.

My parents love him though. He's one of my brothers best friends also. They actually took their kids to Orlando for a Disney trip this passed summer.

Edited January 4, 2017 by jennifernyc84

January 4, 2017

The only one besides my parents and siblings who know Josh, is one of my friends. My other friends know of him, but have never met him.

NONE of them like Josh lol. They all hate him and bash him constantly. I think that's mostly because of how bad I've been making him seem.

My parents love him though. He's one of my brothers best friends also. They actually took their kids to Orlando for a Disney trip this passed summer.

You love him now. The anger will come.

Listen, I'm not a fan of telling the spouse generally speaking. I see this differently though. It's not like you were both in this affair and you got caught and now you want to punish him (and win your man) by telling his wife. You were trying to get out. He was waiting by your door, sending you flowers, play tickets (with household money too) and then slept with you only to turn around and dump you. I get you don't want to hurt him because you are in love with him.

I don't know. If you are able to make it through without getting mad so be it. I'm not as strong I guess. I was so hurt, angry, used and mad. I was so mad I literally caused bones to grow inside my mouth and needed 6 surgeries. Anger and rage can kill you.

January 4, 2017

You love him now. The anger will come.

Listen, I'm not a fan of telling the spouse generally speaking. I see this differently though. It's not like you were both in this affair and you got caught and now you want to punish him (and win your man) by telling his wife. You were trying to get out. He was waiting by your door, sending you flowers, play tickets (with household money too) and then slept with you only to turn around and dump you. I get you don't want to hurt him because you are in love with him.

I don't know. If you are able to make it through without getting mad so be it. I'm not as strong I guess. I was so hurt, angry, used and mad. I was so mad I literally caused bones to grow inside my mouth and needed 6 surgeries. Anger and rage can kill you.

Oh I am angry! But I've never liked confrontation. Believe it or not, I'm a very shy, soft spoken person. Whenever I'm faced with conflict, I totally freeze up. My brain shuts down and I don't know what to say.

January 4, 2017

I'm going to be really honest here. None of this stuff worked for me, I was consumed that he got away with lying about me to his wife and laughing about it to me. I did not start to feel better till she knew the whole truth.

I think his wife should know that her husband had an affair for 5 years. I'd want to know.

I totally realize I am projecting my life onto hers, but why should this guy Josh get to do whatever he wants and then get away with it, leaving bodies in his wake?

Plus you know he is going to be back. There is only one way to stop this.

As long as she doesn't know.... it perpetuates the idea that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. He continues to hurt his wife and another woman.

I am not always of the camp of the OW outing the MM because a lot of times it just seems the OW is trying to hurt the BW (it was sin my case), but you can and do have the power to save people from further hurt down the road.

Jenn, I have followed your story from the get go... and as a BW... I have a lot of respect for you. Keep your chin up. You got this.

January 4, 2017

My anger usually comes out differently. The only thing I do it cry. I cry when I'm sad, angry, happy, scared,... I hate that. I can barely have a serious conversation without crying.

January 4, 2017

The problem with Jen telling all, is that she wouldn't look that great either. Plus remember this is someone who knows her family and vice versa. Friends with her brother etc.

I'd usually say tell the wife, but in this case .... your families are too close. Are you prepared for how it will make you look?.

Because people will say:

- You're bitter because you were dumped

-You want to ruin his life out of spite and jealousy

- You wanted Josh jnr to be without his dad full time

- You don't really care about his wife, or you wouldn't have been sleeping with her husband for 4 years.

- You knew he was married

- You chose to be his OW

It doesn't really sound like he future faked you either

Are you prepared to be called a home wrecker, a wh**e, a sl*t ... a cheap t**t? Because it's you people will come down on really hard. Not just him. Women are expected to have more compassion and higher morals.

In your bid to make him not get away with it, don't cut your nose to spite your face. You know this won't make you look like an innocent angel.

What will your parents say, knowing you were the OW for 4 years? Knowing you knew he has a baby? Will they be happy? I know mine would be mortified and ashamed.

Don't make yourself the centre of a scandal. If you didn't have anyone who cared about you or you didn't care about your reputation. ... then fine. If you truly havenothing to loose, then tell his wife everything.

But know that once you tell her .... there's no going back and you have to live with the consequences of whatever happens. Including him saying you were so easy, and any hot blooded male would have done the same, as you handed it to him without asking anything in return.

I'm not saying any of those things are true, but do you want to start defending yourself to people or to those you love.

Right now it seems he's got away with it. But you've also got away with people not knowing what you did. Spill the beans and everyone gets to know what you both did behind his wife's back for 4 years.

You'll be known in local circles as the one who was having an affair with Josh and then she went crazy when he dumped her.

I'd personally rather take it to my grave, but you decide what's best for you.

January 4, 2017

He continues to hurt his wife and another woman.

.

With all due respect, this can only happen, if another woman decides to have an affair with him, with the full knowledge that he's married.

I agree that he certainly continues to betray his wife without a doubt though.

January 4, 2017

The problem with Jen telling all, is that she wouldn't look that great either. Plus remember this is someone who knows her family and vice versa. Friends with her brother etc.

I'd usually say tell the wife, but in this case .... your families are too close. Are you prepared for how it will make you look?.

Because people will say:

- You're bitter because you were dumped
-You want to ruin his life out of spite and jealousy
- You wanted Josh jnr to be without his dad full time
- You don't really care about his wife, or you wouldn't have been sleeping with her husband for 4 years.
- You knew he was married
- You chose to be his OW

It doesn't really sound like he future faked you either

Are you prepared to be called a home wrecker, a wh**e, a sl*t ... a cheap t**t? Because it's you people will come down on really hard. Not just him. Women are expected to have more compassion and higher morals.

In your bid to make him not get away with it, don't cut your nose to spite your face. You know this won't make you look like an innocent angel.

What will your parents say, knowing you were the OW for 4 years? Knowing you knew he has a baby? Will they be happy? I know mine would be mortified and ashamed.

Don't make yourself the centre of a scandal. If you didn't have anyone who cared about you or you didn't care about your reputation. ... then fine. If you truly havenothing to loose, then tell his wife everything.

But know that once you tell her .... there's no going back and you have to live with the consequences of whatever happens. Including him saying you were so easy, and any hot blooded male would have done the same, as you handed it to him without asking anything in return.

I'm not saying any of those things are true, but do you want to start defending yourself to people or to those you love.

Right now it seems he's got away with it. But you've also got away with people not knowing what you did. Spill the beans and everyone gets to know what you both did behind his wife's back for 4 years.

You'll be known in local circles as the one who was having an affair with Josh and then she went crazy when he dumped her.

I'd personally rather take it to my grave, but you decide what's best for you.

Oh trust me, I've thought about all of those things. Why do you think I've never told her? I wouldn't just be exploiting him, I'd be exploiting myself too.

And as much as I hate to say this, but it is true, people are more forgiving to a cheating man than a cheating woman.

Men get the "eh, he's a man." Women are the ones who get labeled and pretty much banished from all other women.

No.. I don't think I want to cause myself any more pain, thank you very much.

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Will I ever be his #1?

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