Will I ever be his #1?

January 2, 2017

The way I see it, your posts are split between "I got this, go girl, I'm so getting over him" and "Oh, I can't do this, I called him/met him/slept with him, he's got to be mine".

Neither is sustainable and neither is promoting growth.

I have said this before and I will say it again- and please believe me it is not for the sake of offending you- there is something very childish about the way you are handling the entire situations. You get very caught up in your emotions and respond to a specific moment and not to the grand scheme.

You are on a difficult path. There will be highs and lows. There will be moments when you feel you have so got this, but you will also struggle. The thing that bothers me is, that during the high moments you have no plan or resources to handle the downs.

A lifetime of infatuation+4 year affair will not be overcome without some pain. You don't seem to be taking it in to account. You want to bypass the pain, be over it! Well, we've all been there and let me tell you-no shortcuts. This is a long road and you need to plan for it. Right now it seem you're riding the high and are unequipped and clueless how to deal with the downs. It's like the hard moments catch you by surprise and then you regress.

You need to be more realistic about the healing process.

I'll give you an example. You wrote you don't know how to deal with the fact that he robbed you of four years of your life. As long as that's your thinking, you will cave in the second he reached out (and he will, when it suits him)

That's because thinking he "robbed" you leaves all the power in his hands.

He couldn't have robbed you unless you let him. You allowed him to. you knew he was married, you knew he was going through IVF, you knew his wife was pregnant, you knew had baby. What more information did you need?

Take your power back. Until and unless you do, you will limbo between power girl moments and breaking NC. Again, very childish.

You need to take ownership and responsibility. You need to grow up. you need to be in charge of your.

This week you slept with him because he decided he wanted you to and you are now broken up from him,again, because he said so.

Unless you do some hard work, he will come back to pick up where he laeft off and you will, once more, do as he says.

Get in to therapy, it will help you get it together.

January 2, 2017

The way I see it, your posts are split between "I got this, go girl, I'm so getting over him" and "Oh, I can't do this, I called him/met him/slept with him, he's got to be mine".
Neither is sustainable and neither is promoting growth.
I have said this before and I will say it again- and please believe me it is not for the sake of offending you- there is something very childish about the way you are handling the entire situations. You get very caught up in your emotions and respond to a specific moment and not to the grand scheme.
You are on a difficult path. There will be highs and lows. There will be moments when you feel you have so got this, but you will also struggle. The thing that bothers me is, that during the high moments you have no plan or resources to handle the downs.
A lifetime of infatuation+4 year affair will not be overcome without some pain. You don't seem to be taking it in to account. You want to bypass the pain, be over it! Well, we've all been there and let me tell you-no shortcuts. This is a long road and you need to plan for it. Right now it seem you're riding the high and are unequipped and clueless how to deal with the downs. It's like the hard moments catch you by surprise and then you regress.
You need to be more realistic about the healing process.
I'll give you an example. You wrote you don't know how to deal with the fact that he robbed you of four years of your life. As long as that's your thinking, you will cave in the second he reached out (and he will, when it suits him)
That's because thinking he "robbed" you leaves all the power in his hands.
He couldn't have robbed you unless you let him. You allowed him to. you knew he was married, you knew he was going through IVF, you knew his wife was pregnant, you knew had baby. What more information did you need?
Take your power back. Until and unless you do, you will limbo between power girl moments and breaking NC. Again, very childish.
You need to take ownership and responsibility. You need to grow up. you need to be in charge of your.
This week you slept with him because he decided he wanted you to and you are now broken up from him,again, because he said so.
Unless you do some hard work, he will come back to pick up where he laeft off and you will, once more, do as he says.
Get in to therapy, it will help you get it together.

Jen, read and take heart in this post because Sad is 100% right. You can't Beyoncé girl power your way through this pain. You have to face it and get some help to do so. If you don't allow the emotions to come and face them then they will consume you and you will back to square one when Josh comes back for more.

January 2, 2017

I have another day off from work tomorrow and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so afraid of those feelings. The ones that feel like they're consuming your entire being.

I slept with him not 2 days ago. How did I end up here.

I get this. I've been on the same kind of rollercoaster. This is why I've decided for myself that I'm going to take it a day at a time, not make any big proclamations that I'm not sure I can keep, but just keep continuously improving, choosing the better path everyday. That seems doable to me.

I've also been alone most of this vacation, and you know what? It hasn't been so bad. I'm trying to learn to be at peace being with myself. Last night I heard a line in a tv show about everyone mostly being alone in life, that everyone has to carry their own pack for the most part. Being with someone makes it a little less lonely, but you still have to carry your own stuff.

January 2, 2017

I get what everyone is saying. Trying to avoid the pain, bypass it, is the wrong way. I need to go through the motions of the pain for it to stop hurting. For me to become immune to it. But I can't. I don't want to. It suffocates me. He's all around me. The worse thing in the world is when I let it consume me. My mind goes into a million different directions and it overwhelms me.

When my grandfather died, I was right there. He was 66 and he had lung cancer. His lungs collapsed and he was put on life support. All I did was cry. We were very close, him and I. And for the first few days, it was all I thought about. The only time I felt better was when I'd distract myself. So that's what I did. I didn't think of him or how he suffered or what he looked like as he was dying. I filled my mind with other things until the wound healed.

That exactly what I'm trying to do with Josh.

January 2, 2017

You can't grieve 24/7 so of course you need distraction and to keep busy at times...But, when you feel the tears coming let them come, don't stop it. Grieving as you know takes a long time, especially when it comes to romantic hurt and pain. It is a death of a lifetime love you felt for him and that's not going to go away overnight.

Check out the website baggage reclaim, tons of great articles on there.

And DO find a good therapist (CBT) that you can trust and be open with so you can grieve all this in a healthy way and so you they can help you be strong so when Josh does contact you again in the future (and he will come fishing for an ego feed) you can slam the door and not react by replying.

Nobody expects you to be over him within a week but DO set a time limit as time goes on each day to do your grieving and set goals for yourself, to make new women friendships or re bond with your women friends. Volunteer somewhere, give more, help others more.

January 2, 2017

I've been looking into cbt. I have a few names bookmarked but haven't made any calls yet. It's been a holiday weekend and pretty much everything is closed until Tuesday. I'll let you guys know how it turns out.

Josh has been taking up all of my mental space. I need to take my life back.

Yes. I allowed him to take those 4 years. Some would even say I willingly gave them to him. But I loved him. He knew that. I was desperate for any type of affection from him for so long, I didn't care what form it came in. He was there, holding me, touching me, kissing me...in my head, that felt like all I could ever want.

Please believe me when I say I would never!...ever, sleep with a married man knowing it meant nothing. There are more than enough men in the world. But this was Josh. And he was telling me he loved me, and he'd leave her because they weren't happy. I fell hook, line and sinker. I'm not trying to sound innocent, but he played me. If he'd told me to jump off the Brooklyn bridge, I'd have done it.

I back stabbed him? Ha!! That!! is some bull sh*t!!

January 2, 2017

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

January 2, 2017

YOU are responsible for how YOU participated.

Stop looking at it as his responsibility and recognize your part in it.

You're handing him way too much of YOUR power.

Take responsibility for yourself - that's the best outcome for growth FOR YOURSELF.

I have taken responsibility countless times. I set down rules and every time I did, he'd trample them. I kept trying and trying, but he never did respect them or me at all.

He took advantage of my weakness for him. I'm sorry but he was NOT the victim here.

January 2, 2017

And I know I'm going to get comments saying how his wife is both our victim, but I'm not talking about her right now. I'm talking about me. He saw me as an easy prey and he went in for the kill.

January 2, 2017

I have taken responsibility countless times. I set down rules and every time I did, he'd trample them. I kept trying and trying, but he never did respect them or me at all.

He took advantage of my weakness for him. I'm sorry but he was NOT the victim here.

I don't think anyone has said he is the victim.

Taking responsibility for your actions is completely separate from his actions and whether or not he takes responsibility for them. YOU are responsible for your part of the relationship. You set down rules ... it's up to you to make sure they're followed. They're your boundaries to enforce. Plenty of people here gave you direction on how to go full NC. Block all avenues for communication. Change your phone number. Tell your doorman to refuse packages or whatever a doorman is supposed to do (I've never had one so I don't know). You didn't go full NC because you wanted him to be able to get through.

At the end of the day, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself and you have failed in some ways to do so. Time to set those boundaries and enforce them. Have a lawyer draw up a no contact letter if that's what you have to do, but don't put the onus of NC on him. It's up to you now.

January 2, 2017

Anger is part of the process. It's a healthy response. But what isn't healthy is black and white thinking . . . he's the predator, I'm the helpless victim. How can it ever be somebody else's fault that you agreed to be his girlfriend? That at every step of the way -- him reconciling with his wife, spending tons of money getting pregnant, having a child -- you chose to ignore what was plainly obvious . . . that a man who is going to leave his wife doesn't do those things.

The whole reason I came to LS was so I could understand the OW side of things because I knew it wasn't healthy for me to pin it all on her. In the first month after DD my WH hit that angry "but it isn't my fault" stage and since he could no longer blame me, he blamed the OW for "seducing him with sweetness." He seriously said that. I wanted to get beyond simplistic "Ugh this evil person screwed up our lives" thinking and learn from the experience.

We're all responsible for our own choices. The world is full of people with their own problems making their own mistakes, so if those people are responsible for your health and happiness, then you're in trouble. Only my husband is responsible for his faithfulness no matter who seduces him with sweetness. Only you are responsible for making healthy choices when it comes to relationships no matter who knows you're in love with him.

It's OK to be angry at him for being such a selfish jerk. But you need to understand that he was a selfish jerk when you started this whole thing to. You need to figure out why you didn't see it then, and what you can do to see things more clearly now.

But I can't. I don't want to. It suffocates me.

I agree with imsosad that there's a juvenile quality to this thinking. I think usually people come to Loveshack for help doing what they know they need to do. I'm not sure you can expect us to convince you to process your emotions while you stomp your foot and insist you shouldn't have to. ???

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

Who says you can actually get over it? Oh goodness, really? Of course you can get over it. You can get over ANYTHING if you have emotional resources and a good support network, certainly things much worse than a relationship not working out.

And again, no one said you have to shut off your feelings and forget about him . . . we've said that's the opposite of what you should do and will blow up in your face. You need to grieve the good parts of your relationship and the fantasy and hopes you had for the future. You need to recognize who he really is versus who you wanted him to be.

You don't need boundaries to protect other people's marriages, but you do boundaries around yourself so that you only let in healthy people on the up and up. That goes for friendships too. You get to decide who is in your life, and it's in YOUR best interest to make good choices.

I just went and looked at your original post from 4 years ago, and I see history repeating itself . . . a lot of people taking time to give you advice, and you rather petulantly arguing against the best practices of healthy living in favor of doing what you want, all while refusing to accept any blame.

January 2, 2017

I have taken responsibility countless times. I set down rules and every time I did, he'd trample them. I kept trying and trying, but he never did respect them or me at all.

He took advantage of my weakness for him. I'm sorry but he was NOT the victim here.

No Jennifer, you did not respect them. You did not respect yourself.

No person can trample you unless you let them. He is not a victim, neither are you. I think you will realize that in time.

IC!

January 2, 2017

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

It took me a good six months after first finding my way to this forum to have the ability to truly put into perspective what was going on between xMM & I.

I feel for you, I really do. I can hear the pain and anguish in your posts. It brings all the anguish back to me. You're not there yet. You're not in that place where you are strong enough to step outside of what is happening to you within this relationship. You're still on the never ending roller coaster. The one where you feel yourself in his arms and all the love and adoration he showered on you so abundantly. He made you feel safe, loved and nurtured in a way that only someone who truly loves you could. You are fighting your own judgement here. You are fighting your own sanity. You felt all of that, so, he must love you. From what I have picked up from xMM on these boards, during those moments, he may well love you. But outside of that, he's nowhere to be seen.

All the harshness from others insn't ging to make any difference to you right now. You are working your way back to centering yourself. You are on the right path. Stick at it. We all move at our own pace and along our own paths.

January 2, 2017

Hi Jen, ive been reading your thread for a while now, wanting to post support to you but feeling like such a fool for breaking my own NC just before Christmas.

That stretch of NC had been 7 weeks but please bear in mind I started NC in December 2015!!!!! ive never broken NC and I had blocked him everywhere, he was still able to leave voicemails.

The longest NC has been 9 weeks but it normally lasts 7-8 weeks, just enough time for me to be feeling better and then some drama happens and I just cannot help but reply. These dramas have been car accidents, threatening suicide (he's been diagnosed with depression but is struggling to find the right meds) to losing his job. obviously I am the only person he can talk to blah blah blah.......

My point is I have been playing the NC game for a whole year and I now call it a game because he always knows ill give in if he just bides his time. And that is completely my fault, I turned it into an awful waiting game that to be honest could never end if I let it.

I have not had sex with him for a year so I'm not quite sure what he's getting from any contact with me, ego boosts I guess?

please don't be me, please don't waste anymore time on this person, he will be back, of that I'm sure, just like mine will be. But we have to take control of this and move on to a happier and healthier place in 2017. Ready for when a lovely, happy and emotionally healthy man comes along (and most importantly single.)

I'm 3 days NC and I'm feeling more positive than I have in a long time.

Good luck Jen, you can do this xxx

January 2, 2017

Jen,

A few things you can do now to start helping yourself ( of course blocking everything)

- start researching and reading everything you can get your hands on. Podcasts are great, read about limerence, affairs , look at the infidelity section and read about affairs from the BS standpoint..

- journal.. start writing down the lies you told yourself. Your feelings , etc

- tell friends and family find people to hold you accountable

- hit the gym and take care of you

- take up a new hobby

Take action. You never were a victim you fell in love and you told yourself lies to override the gut feeling you had.. it's okay we have been there but you need to start turning this around and thinking differently if you want to heal.

I think all of us on here are in your corner .. don't let us down .. you got this.

January 2, 2017

Jen,

A few things you can do now to start helping yourself ( of course blocking everything)

- start researching and reading everything you can get your hands on. Podcasts are great, read about limerence, affairs , look at the infidelity section and read about affairs from the BS standpoint..

- journal.. start writing down the lies you told yourself. Your feelings , etc

- tell friends and family find people to hold you accountable

- hit the gym and take care of you

- take up a new hobby

Take action. You never were a victim you fell in love and you told yourself lies to override the gut feeling you had.. it's okay we have been there but you need to start turning this around and thinking differently if you want to heal.

I think all of us on here are in your corner .. don't let us down .. you got this.

Thanks HCBM,

I'm really trying to not sound mean or bitter. I'm not at all that way. I am angry right now, but only because I had told him I wanted out and he chases me down for a month until I give in, then a day later breaks it off with me! You can understand why I'm feeling this way.

Why contact me, send me gifts, heartfelt emails/voicemails, blast me on social media, until I finally gave in then the next day tell me to piss off?

I was the one who wanted to end things..I asked him to leave me alone. Why is he trying to make it like I was the one stalking him? I was doing my best to avoid him, and now he's making an a$$ out of me.

It makes me so mad.

January 2, 2017

You still keep asking the wrong questions. Why Josh, blah blah blah.

Going to be blunt. Ask yourself why are you so easy. Also do the daughter test. If your daughter came in with the story, your response would be...

January 2, 2017

You still keep asking the wrong questions. Why Josh, blah blah blah.

Going to be blunt. Ask yourself why are you so easy. Also do the daughter test. If your daughter came in with the story, your response would be...

I would probably slap her to try and knock some sense into her lol

But seriously, I am not "that easy". I've only been with 3 men total sexually. Josh included in that number.

I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea about me. I'm not easy. I'm didn't plan on being his cheap little thrill.

I was a young woman in love with a man who was telling me that he loved me too.

I don't go sleeping around or hopping into bed with just any married man.

January 2, 2017

It should be no married men; but....

If you really want him to leave you alone and to make his choice and stick with it, tell his wife. I guarantee you that you will find the truth you need to leave him alone and move forward.

January 2, 2017

You still keep asking the wrong questions. Why Josh, blah blah blah.

Going to be blunt. Ask yourself why are you so easy. Also do the daughter test. If your daughter came in with the story, your response would be...

BuddyX this is a good one, a great one actually. How I wish I had talked to my mother about this when I first embarked upon my affair. she would have hit me upside the head (figuratively.) now, in addition to other reasons, i'm too embarrassed to talk to her.

Jen - BuddyX is right also about asking the right questions. It's not about Josh, it's about you. As others have said, you need to enforce your rules and your boundaries. You cannot expect anyone else to do that. If you're president of Jennistan and the law says that you can't drive on the left side of the road, and someone breaks it, it's up to you to enforce it and also, more apt in this case, to prevent it from happening somehow. OK stupid example but you get the idea.

Why did he pursue you relentlessly and come back fast and furious only to leave you the next day? Because you let him. And also remember, he may be a jerk, but he's human. We all share traits / feelings - jealously, ambition, anger, vengeance, disparity, whatever - perhaps he was fueled by one of these or something else. the point is, it doesn't matter. YOU hold the power to prevent anyone from doing this to you.

As Rea also said, I get it. reading this thread has brought back a lot of things for me, too. it also took me about 4 months to get to where i am and to begin to understand and be able to talk about it. my path may not be yours but i just let myself feel, i sat with myself for days and nights on end. i went through whatever stage came at me. i grieved. i denied. i accepted. i got angry. i cried some more. not necessarily in that order. but most importantly, i first told myself and held myself accountable to one main decision and that was: i do not want this nor do i deserve it.

stay strong. you'll get there.

Edited January 2, 2017 by spideywoman

January 2, 2017

When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him.

Boundaries? I was single. I still am. He's the one that should have boundaries.

Jen,

YOU need boundaries too. If you don't have them, you are fair game for anybody.

Poppy.

January 2, 2017

I have gone back in your thread Jen.

Time and time again, you blame Josh.

He is only doing what he can get away with. He is not trampling all over your boundaries. He knows that they are only words and that you don't mean them.

You need the use the NO word , loud and clear.

Poppy.

January 2, 2017

"When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him. "

You have a strong emotional bond with him, and a bond of habit/dependency which will take some time to dissolve, but you do not love him unconditionally. That is just a romantic, self immolating idea which sounds heroic, but is damaging for you, especially since ultimately, it is untrue.

This would be SO much easier for you if you were to get professional help, as people are suggesting.

January 2, 2017

"When you let yourself fall unconditionally in love with someone and you never know if it's going to last. Who says that you can actually get over it? I am absolutely in love with Josh and I don't understand how I have to just shut these feelings off and forget about him. "

You have a strong emotional bond with him, and a bond of habit/dependency which will take some time to dissolve, but you do not love him unconditionally. That is just a romantic, self immolating idea which sounds heroic, but is damaging for you, especially since ultimately, it is untrue.

This would be SO much easier for you if you were to get professional help, as people are suggesting.

As of tomorrow morning I've decided to check out some therapist. I have a few in mind so far. Not sure yet though of which one I'll choose.

What exactly should I be looking for in a therapist?

January 2, 2017

As of tomorrow morning I've decided to check out some therapist. I have a few in mind so far. Not sure yet though of which one I'll choose.

What exactly should I be looking for in a therapist?

I asked my doctor for some recommendations. She knows I'm dealing with other stress beside this situation, although I've told her about that too.

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