Will I ever be his #1?

[whichwayisup]

Of course he loved you. He never chose you...That's it. Just because the love was there doesn't mean you two were right for each other. If it was right, things would have worked out between you two years ago before he got married or even before he got involved with another woman.

 

I know 'ego' wants the answers to your questions but closure comes within. You have no choice now but to work through the pain and move on.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Jennifer,

I am so sorry and I want you to know that I understand and feel your pain. I have been there- I think all of us on this board have been there.

 

 

Josh- well I think he just did a very mature thing and made the right decision. Do I think he will stick to it, no probably not. I do not think he has the emotional maturity to admit the affair to his wife and to get the help he needs but I think he is trying. Had he left her for you it wouldn’t have worked and you wouldn’t have found the happiness you want. Did he love you- probably but you were an addiction for him, google Limerence and really do a lot of research on it. It wasn’t you Jen, it was him. He lacks emotional maturity to fix his marriage, he lacks the ability to understand he has a void in his marriage and he seeks fulfillment outside of that. You were the one there – had it not been you it would have been someone else. Trust me, this comes from a place of being a WS and understanding the need and the high the affair brings. He is entitled and selfish and you were available and in love with him- the addiction festered and grew and neither could let go.

 

 

 

He will be back but you need to get into counseling fast. You need to understand why you stood by for 4 years and ate scraps from this man like they were Thanksgiving dinner. No judgement I did it myself with my xMM and I loved every one of those scraps and I believed in the fantasy.

Eventually you will come to realize this man isn’t for you and if you allow yourself you will find your happiness within. Josh is toxic to you, he is toxic in his marriage, and he is toxic to himself. He set his house on fire and you walked in with him. He just pushed you out and gave you a chance to find your happiness and get the help you need.

 

 

 

Block every avenue that man can find to contact you and get help. One minute, one hour, one step at a time.

[elaine567]

He probably realised he could lose his wife and son here.

Instead of the good little OW who never rocks any boats, you have become the OW who wants more and that is no good for any cake eater. He wants you to swallow "i'll get a divorce soon, promise you I will", with no questions asked.

He wants you to participate in that charade played out by so many everyday.

He knows he will not leave, she knows he will not leave. She may get a bit huffy now and again but basically she knows what she signed up for.

YOU, with your talk of "love" and divorce and actually moving things forward as a couple, are now a loose cannon and are capable of anything, so he had to shut you down and inject some reality into the situation.

It is coming across loud and clear, that he ain't going nowhere. Forced to make a choice, again he is choosing his wife and now his son too.

 

He may actually mean it when he says that this IS the end, and he IS going to work on his marriage. he is after all a MM with responsibilities and he is a father too, or he may just be taking some of the power back and this is designed to show you that you either behave and get back into the dutiful OW box, or he is gone for good out of your life.

 

Be careful.

[jah526]

I can't believe it was all a lie. I just don't think it was. He loved me, I felt it. I know he did.

 

I read something recently that love is fairly low on the list of priorities for men. Almost certainly responsibility to family ranks higher. So whether he loved you or not is probably a moot point.

[jennifernyc84]

I read something recently that love is fairly low on the list of priorities for men. Almost certainly responsibility to family ranks higher. So whether he loved you or not is probably a moot point.

 

I guess this does make sense. It doesn't matter if he does or does not love me. He has a child and a wife to whom he made vows.

 

I want to tell him off, but I don't think it will help anything.

 

I'm kinda happy he's taking a stand. I just wish it was for me.

 

But his son deserves a dad. I have no right to take him from his son.

[aileD]

Wow what a piece of work. He was just there the other day telling you he'd leave and today he's making a stand the other way.

 

You know he'll be back right? When he calls (a week, a month, a year, 10 years), i want you to think of that phone conversation . How he chose his wife over you mere days after disrespecting your request to leave you alone and sweet talking you into sex.

 

They're right. It doesn't matter if he loves you. He may, just not enough to leave so that's the end game.

 

What do you do about the four years you lost because of him? You forget it all (except the lesson) and immediately move forward. Why? Because you don't want to waster another freaking year on this guy controlling your emotions.

 

Make a plan. A goal. Personal. Follow it and focus yourself there. You can do this!

[sandylee1]

He realised you weren't happy being a life long OW and he has no good reason to end his marriage.

 

That list of things I wrote .... well he thought them through ....and could not end it.

 

I think you were just too irresistible and an easy relationship for him, but when it came down to it, he could not loose his wife and son.

 

He's done the right thing for once.

 

You need to find the strength to block him.

 

Change your cell number. Send the new one to those people you need to.

 

Start 2017 as a free single woman.

[heartwhole]

Again, you see how self-centered he is. There's no remorse for stringing you along for four years, for disrespecting your repeated requests for NC, for changing course after saying he'd get a divorce. Just the realization that you're bad for him and that you ignite feelings in him that he shouldn't have.

 

Of course he loved you in some sense. But he loves himself most of all.

 

I'm glad for you because it sounds like this is closure that you needed. And while he very well may come back later trying to eat more cake, for now it sounds like he's being honest-ish with himself and wanting a healthy home life.

 

Let 2017 be a year of new beginnings. Best wishes to you.

 

Remember . . . IC!!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I guess this does make sense. It doesn't matter if he does or does not love me. He has a child and a wife to whom he made vows.

 

I want to tell him off, but I don't think it will help anything.

 

I'm kinda happy he's taking a stand. I just wish it was for me.

 

But his son deserves a dad. I have no right to take him from his son.

 

Vows? Whatever. xmm pulled that, "I made vows to stay". I said, you also made vows about not pulling your pants off.

 

To answer your question, he doesn't love you. He also doesn't love his wife. He loves himself. You took his candy away and made him crawl to get it back. Now you are going to pay. It's really simple. He is going to show you who is in charge. Him, not you.

 

As to the timing, it's a new years resolution. You are a bad thing, something to give up and resist. I went through something very similar at New Years last year. In addition to deciding I was a bad habit, the fat loser also bought a FitBit. I'd later find out that while I was contemplating suicide, he was out stepping, getting his life today and actually, his best days on the tracker were the first 4 weeks after we ended.

 

He is not a good guy. He is a bad guy. And like everyone says, he will be back as 99% of resolutions fail and he will want to have sex with you, assuming you will be always be there for him. Mine came back too. They mostly do. Give it 5 months.

 

You should block every way possible but really though, he can just show up and these days, it's easily to find someone if you really want to. So you need to realize you are better than this guy, you wasted 4 years but you learned a lesson and maybe you will go on to live a better life for the lesson. I wasted 2 years and went through something similar as you and I'm okay, you will be too. Move on. Cry for a little bit, feel bad but move on. Give it a month and date. Never look back at this guy. Consider it ended today and a lesson learned.

 

I'm sorry.

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks for all the support and kind words, guys. It means a lot.

 

I think the statement about Josh loving Josh is absolutely true.

 

I remember one time. He had a meeting in the city that got cancelled so he was here anyway. He surprised me with a visit. We were lying in my bed and my head was on his chest. He looked down at me and said I made him feel like a rockstar. I laughed and asked what that meant. He said that he loved the way I made him feel and that his wife never felt that way about him.

 

It made me feel kind of embarrassed to be honest.

[jenkins95]

I read something recently that love is fairly low on the list of priorities for men. Almost certainly responsibility to family ranks higher. So whether he loved you or not is probably a moot point.

 

I had to comment on this one, because as the MM in an affair, this exactly described me.

 

I genuinely did fall in love with the OW and it was VERY difficult to end it.

 

But was I going to drop a nuclear bomb on my family and blow it to pieces so that I could indulge my "love"? No!

 

I always knew it would have to end one day and when that day came, it did indeed end and that was the right decision.

 

But I did love her and will never forget her. Just my love for and sense of responsibility for my wife and family was even more important when all was fully considered (great guy, aren't I?)

 

Have no doubt that he loves you OP.......But for us guys that often isn't enough.

 

Good luck and Happy New Year.x

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, suit up. He will be back.

 

My gym gets nuts for about 2 weeks in Jan with all the people who make resolutions....within 2 weeks, its just me again.

 

He is dumping you to punish you for daring to rock the boat. Once he thinks you have learned your lesson, he will be back. Then this whole thing will start over. "i'll divorce, I can't do this anymore" over and over and over.

 

Get some therapy. But know you are not alone.

 

Start the new year by focusing on all you do have. Good job, good friends, nice apartment...you are so lucky. Let go of the things that are dragging you down and work on this being an amazing year.

[jah526]

But was I going to drop a nuclear bomb on my family and blow it to pieces so that I could indulge my "love"? No!

 

It's great to get a man's perspective on this. I think this pretty much nails it - the OW is seen as an indulgence, whereas the family unit is a fundamental part of who they are. It's sometimes very hard to give up indulgences, but it's better than say, lopping an arm off.

[sandylee1]

You made him feel like a rockstar, because you worshipped and were in love with him. You'd give him the sex he wanted and you were not argumentative or demanding more than he was able to give you.

 

Many single OW go the extra mile to be so sweet and subconsciously, hoping this puts them above wife. They never refuse sex even if they want to, because her ...then you're "just like my wife"

 

Now ... you're too much of headache to him. He had to buy you flowers, a concert ticket (wasted cash as you never went), throw out smoke signals on social media and email before he could get sex from you ... boy that was hard work .... that's not what a good mistress does .... so he has no choice but to end it.

 

At least long enough for you to consider whether you'll go back to the obedient mistress and accept even less. he's hoping that last sexual performance of his keeps you longing for him .... and you might wanna bow down.

 

Just make sure you don't sell your soul or you'll hate yourself.

 

This tells you that all that "I can't not have you in my life was bull."

 

Faced with the cold reality. ... you're very dispensible to him.

[BuddyX]

I give him a month before he contacts you and you cave in. Don't want to be cynical, but your previous moves indicate that he'still a drug and you need your fix.

[FoundMyStrength]

He said that he loved the way I made him feel and that his wife never felt that way about him.

 

It made me feel kind of embarrassed to be honest.

 

I'm seriously beginning to believe that all xMM are clones of each other. Shortly after LC started, my xMM said nearly those exact words. That he loved the way I made him feel about himself -- special and worthy -- and he wasn't sure if anyone had ever made him feel like that before.

 

I too felt embarrassed, mainly on behalf of his wife, who I am pretty certain has probably made him feel that way before, on many occasions.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm seriously beginning to believe that all xMM are clones of each other. Shortly after LC started, my xMM said nearly those exact words. That he loved the way I made him feel about himself -- special and worthy -- and he wasn't sure if anyone had ever made him feel like that before.

 

I too felt embarrassed, mainly on behalf of his wife, who I am pretty certain has probably made him feel that way before, on many occasions.

 

Yup, I heard it too. Only mine said "you make me feel like I could do anything or conquer the world.. you make me feel so alive".. I was flattered until I realized They all say this... it's the affair high.. the drug.

[heartwhole]

No one should ever need another person's adoration to feel like a rockstar. Somebody else's love or admiration or attention should never be a surprise, and it should never be the basis of your self-esteem. For these MM to need somebody (especially when they've already got a spouse who is probably making a good faith effort to be a good partner) to prop up their self-esteem is absolutely embarrassing, I agree. On the flip side, I suspect, is an OW who likewise is struggling with validation and self-love. Otherwise she would look at the messed-up, needy MM and think, "Are you kidding me?" instead of being flattered and seduced.

 

"I love the way you make me feel about myself" is not a compliment; it's just revealing that the basis of the relationship is concern for oneself, not the affair partner. By the second week of NC, my oblivious husband was cheerfully exclaiming, "Wow! I don't miss her as much as I thought I would! I thought this would be harder!" That statement oozed with self-absorption. Poor OW that he didn't miss her. Poor me that he lacked the self-awareness to keep this to himself. It was all about him. I thought he was smarter and more grounded than to be so destructive over an ego boost.

 

Every person is different, but as a BW I don't feel jealous at the thought that another woman made my husband feel awesome. I just think he's an idiot to need that. I don't want a man who needs the adoration of others to know who he is. I don't want a man who feels vain and proud; I want a man who is generous, grounded, grateful, humble, etc. I want a man who gives love freely because he is at peace with himself, not because he needs mine in return. And, seeing that he is all those things I admire, of course he will receive my love and admiration, but that will just be part of a life well lived, not the only thing propping up his ego.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I had to comment on this one, because as the MM in an affair, this exactly described me.

 

I genuinely did fall in love with the OW and it was VERY difficult to end it.

 

But was I going to drop a nuclear bomb on my family and blow it to pieces so that I could indulge my "love"? No!

 

I always knew it would have to end one day and when that day came, it did indeed end and that was the right decision.

 

But I did love her and will never forget her. Just my love for and sense of responsibility for my wife and family was even more important when all was fully considered (great guy, aren't I?)

 

Have no doubt that he loves you OP.......But for us guys that often isn't enough.

 

Good luck and Happy New Year.x

 

While I am sure that you love your x Jenkins, I really do not think you and this guy are the same. She wanted to end it because he was married and he basically used every trick in the book to sleep with her one last time, said he was going to leave his wife and then dumped her.

 

I don't think this guy loves her. And I think it is really important for her to believe that - as much as it hurts.

 

He thinks little of her. He is not even worried about her telling his wife, that is how much he feels in control of her. He is a bad guy.

 

I don;t know your story Jenkins (the A part and how it ended) but you don;t seem like the type to get one in right before dropping the girl with such callous disregard for her feelings.

 

Personally, when the anger kicks in, I would not judge her for telling the wife. As a man, don't you think he should have some consequences? This is not a 3 or 6 month affair or some internet thing, this is a 4 year affair with a woman he knew from long ago. You do the crime, you do the time.

 

These guys, they think there are no consequences. They can just trample over OW and BS....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm seriously beginning to believe that all xMM are clones of each other. Shortly after LC started, my xMM said nearly those exact words. That he loved the way I made him feel about himself -- special and worthy -- and he wasn't sure if anyone had ever made him feel like that before.

 

I too felt embarrassed, mainly on behalf of his wife, who I am pretty certain has probably made him feel that way before, on many occasions.

 

Mine said that too. He said when he was out with me, he felt special because I was so attractive and people looked at me and then him, and he never had that with his wife. I knew him for years and was oblivious so I don't see anyone looking at me, okay I guess I do, but it doesn't mean anything, and I brushed it off.

But besides that, he said no one had cared about him, his wife did not care about him ad my caring made him feel special and important, worthy. Because of it he lost all this weight and was visibly healthier and happier.

 

But the kicker, it didn't matter. Here is the funny part, after enough time, he thought he was doing it, not me (granted I was not actually doing anything) and he easily dropped me and was pretty horrible about it to me. But without me, he quickly slid backwards in diet and exercise till 5 months later he reached out for me to help him again. That was funny. I said, ask your wife. But he said, she is heavy, not interested. But you stayed with her right? Life is a b*tch buddy. Order more pills I guess.

 

If I read his death notice in the paper in a year, I won't shed a tear.

 

And Jennifer - assuming you are readin this - you have to get to that. You do not want to be eaten up wth anger, but you want to not care if this guy drops dead.

[jennifernyc84]

New year new me!!

 

I am making that my new motto for 2017.

 

I just cut my long blonde hair up to me chin, and dyed it dark brown. I don't even recognize myself when I pass by a mirror. I'm thinking of redecorating my apartment. Maybe taking a vacation.

 

I need to get out of this life that I've been living. I need to change things completely. I've already moved all my furniture around, cleaned out my closet, and cleaned out my phone. I deleted old texts, emails and pictures.

 

This was what I did on the 1st day of the new year. I'm reinventing myself.

 

It's nearly 3am here and I haven't sat down for a minute since that phone call ended. I'm scared to let myself think too much. I haven't let it sink in yet. He's really gone. I'll never see or hear from him again. The thought makes my stomach hurt.

 

I have another day off from work tomorrow and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so afraid of those feelings. The ones that feel like they're consuming your entire being.

 

I slept with him not 2 days ago. How did I end up here.

[jenkins95]

My gym gets nuts for about 2 weeks in Jan with all the people who make resolutions....within 2 weeks, its just me again.

 

This made me laugh eye! I'm joining a gym tomorrow! Will I still be there in February? Ask me in February!

 

(((Jen))) good to see you being positive and philosophical in your posts.You will get there, but as others say, prepare yourself for further contact and arm yourself against it.

 

The rock star thing is interesting. My xOW made me feel like a rock star too. We complimented each other from dawn to dusk. She made me feel like the most handsome, irresistible, desirable, gorgeous man in the world (my mirror would beg to differ!) and sexually we were absolutely insatiable. Who isn't going to feel great about that? It is SO addictive. We were absolutely each other's class A drug.

 

But this just emphasises what a fantasy the whole thing was. Real life is not living in a bubble of complete isolation having sex all day, drinking champagne and telling each other how wonderful we are.

 

The feelings were real, but the situation wasn't. As another poster said, love in a fantasy affair is like being scared in a movie theater. Genuine feelings, false situation. It also can't last forever like that

Edited January 2, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

While I am sure that you love your x Jenkins, I really do not think you and this guy are the same. She wanted to end it because he was married and he basically used every trick in the book to sleep with her one last time, said he was going to leave his wife and then dumped her.

 

I don't think this guy loves her. And I think it is really important for her to believe that - as much as it hurts.

 

He thinks little of her. He is not even worried about her telling his wife, that is how much he feels in control of her. He is a bad guy.

 

I don;t know your story Jenkins (the A part and how it ended) but you don;t seem like the type to get one in right before dropping the girl with such callous disregard for her feelings.

 

Personally, when the anger kicks in, I would not judge her for telling the wife. As a man, don't you think he should have some consequences? This is not a 3 or 6 month affair or some internet thing, this is a 4 year affair with a woman he knew from long ago. You do the crime, you do the time.

 

These guys, they think there are no consequences. They can just trample over OW and BS....

 

Some great points midnight.

 

Yes, his actions of the last few days have been quite despicable, even by affair standards.

 

One of the things that has shocked me and others a lot is the way, immediately after sex, he said that it was getting late and he had to get back to his family. Jen, this must have made you feel cheap, used and second best. In short it must have left you feeling like sh*t. Not the actions of a guy who loves your has your best interest at heart.

 

Midnight, I was a bad guy, but you are right, I wouldn't have stooped this low just for some extra sex.

 

Perhaps there was no love, perhaps there was some mixed up there in all that addiction and selfishness. But either way, he's shown his true colours and he's bad news. Never give him the time of day again.

 

I smiled at your update today Jen. New haircut and all! Go girl. Fantastic to see you so positive. I know deep down you will feel very vulnerable....But you are being so brave and I am proud of you.

[sandylee1]

You've gone for a new look. That's great. .... pamper yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

Don't make it a "he's to blame thing"

 

Perhaps if I had a guy in addition to my husband who adored me, showered me with love and was willing to be a silent other ..... I might be tempted.

 

2017 is your year. Once you've shaken Josh out of your hair, you'll be open minded towards decent single guys.

 

The best revenge is living a good life and being happy. You just concentrate on doing that.

 

Any suggestions to tell his wife are out of spite and bitterness for not being chosen. He'd hate you and I doubt that you want that.

 

Let it go.....

[heartwhole]

It sounds like you very much want things to be different. New hair, new furniture arrangement, cleaning house . . . those are all fun and simple ways to represent that you'll be a new you in the new year.

 

But then when the feelings come, it sounds like your instinct is to stuff them down. I'm a big believer in facing things head on and letting yourself go through all the steps of grief.

 

You have this instinct to change . . . what about yourself really needs the changing? (Hint: it's not superficial things like hair)

 

There must be books out there for people who choose toxic relationships . . . maybe someone can recommend some. You can't change xMM, but you can change how you value yourself, how you make judgments about people's trustworthiness, what you'll take in a relationship.