Will I ever be his #1?

[eye of the storm]

I wanted to feel empowered and strong. I told myself I was. The truth is I am not. All off this that I've created for myself, great job, great apartment in a great location in a great city, it means nothing. Yes, I'm proud and happy with it. But I'd give it away in a half of a heart beat to be truly happy. Why does he not see that? Or is the problem that he does see it?

 

He will not make you truly happy. No other person can make you happy. That has to come from inside you.

 

Remember the fable of the dog with the bone. He has a bone, looks into the water and sees a dog with a bone, decides he wants that bone, drops his bone in the water to get the other bone and ends up with no bone.

 

You are doing great. But you are so busy wanting a man that has NEVER wanted you that you are killing your soul.

 

He didn't want you as a kid, he didn't want you as a teenager, he didn't want you as an adult. He wanted HER, not you. He MARRIED her, knowing you were drooling over him. He had CHILDREN with HER knowing you would lie down in the street for him. This is the person you are destroying yourself for.

 

You are so focused on the story for your grandchildren. If you stick around with him you wont have any grandchildren.

[Foreverago]

I'm gonna say one last thing and then I'm taking a break. Sorry to be all dramatic sounding over it.

 

I feel bad for everyone who CHOOSES to stay in these situations because they are addicted to the pain and fantasy of what it isn't. This type of toxicity is only ok to read about in small doses and then it's like, why am I even here? It's not a good use of my time and while I do feel and care for a lot of people here, I think heading back to my actual life and taking an internet break is ideal. New Year and all. Time to make better choices instead of reading the same problems over and over with different users. It gets depressing.

 

You're doing this to yourself. You are choosing to stay in this pain. He's not holding a gun to your head and forcing himself on you. He doesn't have to work for anything or feel bad for you when you are so willing to screw yourself over for him. The healing time starts over and you'll go through the same pain over and over or stay stuck destroying your wellbeing over him for another 4 years. You're 32. 36 is next. Then 40.

 

But you know that and you knew it when you did it.

 

Yes we all slip up, but you and you alone will feel the pain. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for everyone here.

 

And I hope everyone has a great start to the New Year and I wish you all well.

[imsosad]

It wasn't a game for me. I really felt like I wanted him out of my life because the pain of waiting, and losing him every time we went our separate ways became unbearable. But I've come to the conclusion that not having him at all hurts wayyyyyyyy worse.

 

All through the affair, my biggest fear was that he'd suddenly close me out. That he'd just stop it and break it off. And then that's exactly what I went and did.

 

I hate doing this. To myself, to his wife, to his son! The guilt is up to my neck. I guess I can give therapy a try. I don't know what else to do.

 

I missed him terribly and when I think of not seeing him anymore my heart feels like it's being mangled.

 

I wanted to feel empowered and strong. I told myself I was. The truth is I am not. All off this that I've created for myself, great job, great apartment in a great location in a great city, it means nothing. Yes, I'm proud and happy with it. But I'd give it away in a half of a heart beat to be truly happy. Why does he not see that? Or is the problem that he does see it?

 

No offense, but this does not reflect mature thinking and understanding of a relationship.

What is it you expect him to "see" or "realize"?

This is teenager talk.

He does not feel about you the same way you feel about him. It has nothing to do with "seeing" anything. There is no objective truth about you being meant to be together.

Do you read the same books you used to when you were 10 years old? Do you watch the same tv shows and movies?

Because right now, you're living your life in a story created in fourth grade, and the way you talk about him is about as grown up.

Sorry to be harsh, but if you keep up this thinking of "oh, we are so right for each other, he just needs to open his eyes" you are going to miss out on a chance to have your own family, and will spend many, many more years feeling sad and lonely and telling yourself you can't live without him.

He can live without you. The second his wife finds out, he will drop you.

I second and third the posters who talked about therapy, hopefully you will find support and introspection there.

[Bittersweetie]

When I first met my xAP, I thought we were soul mates. That we were destined for each other. That everything that happened led up to that moment. I thought he felt the same, then he ghosted me.

 

Instead of taking that hint, I held on. I held the faith. Because what we had was special, and if he wasn't going to, I would hold on! Then when he came back, he'd see that I'd held the faith. He'd see how serious I was.

 

Is this what you're doing Jenn? Are you thinking that you're the one whose job it is to have faith and hold on, and eventually it will all work out? All that you've invested will pay off?

 

I'm sorry to tell you that isn't how it is. I look back and am so embarrassed, disgusted that I convinced myself of these things. There was nothing to have faith in. When he did come back, he ghosted me again. All of the soul mates garbage was all in my head. Sometimes there are investments we just have to walk away from.

 

Now you know how you feel after letting him in, letting him take back your power. Do you like it when he has all the power? Or do you want to own your own power? It is your choice. Please seek outside help to deal with this.

 

Good luck and happy new year.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, I messed. I've been feeling so lonely over the holidays and my birthday, that I guess it got the best of me.

 

So what now? Do I just jump right back into NC? Or notify him first?

 

I know in my head this affair is pointless but something keeps telling me to hold on. I want to be over him. I'm trying. I'm sorry for sounding childish but it's how I feel. I can't change how I feel.

 

Do you think dating someone else would help? Or make things worse?

[elaine567]

Yes, he came to heel "in a fashion", but what did you really win?

 

All he had to do was post - "OOOOh you stabbed me in the back"

and you fell for it and came running.

He got the make up sex he needed and almost immediately put his clothes on and left. A job well done - on his part...

 

He found out you are besotted, your little "tantrum" was just meaningless and so will any others be in the future. He now "knows" he has you. He won't need to work very hard now to keep you on board. He knows that YOU will stick by him no matter what happens.

 

Normal service is resumed...

[BuddyX]

Yes, he came to heel "in a fashion", but what did you really win?

 

All he had to do was post - "OOOOh you stabbed me in the back"

and you fell for it and came running.

He got the make up sex he needed and almost immediately put his clothes on and left. A job well done - on his part...

 

He found out you are besotted, your little "tantrum" was just meaningless and so will any others be in the future. He now "knows" he has you. He won't need to work very hard now to keep you on board. He knows that YOU will stick by him no matter what happens.

 

Normal service is resumed...

 

I know, the sad part is, the OP Allowed the MM back into her life only after he dissed her on social media. Can you please tell me where I can find women like you. You know, women who get treated like crap and run after the guy every single time (sarcasm).

 

 

You're asking us if you should go NC cold turkey? Are you serious? It really doesn't matter what we say. You'll get lonely in the new year, call him. Rinse and repeat.

[whichwayisup]

I would suggest perhaps one final communication along the lines of...

 

"I love you and want to be with you. You know this. But unless that can happen, any contact with you is torture. Last night has upset me and set me back greatly. I ask that if you love me, that you leave me alone completely and never contact be again....unless you have a divorce paper in your hand"

He knows this already. It would be a huge mistake to tell him again. All it does is give him more power. He doesn't care that he's hurting her. If he truly loved and respected her he'd either leave her alone completely to heal and want the best for her or he'd divorce his wife and be with her. Only way to handle him is to go complete NC and ignore him.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I messed. I've been feeling so lonely over the holidays and my birthday, that I guess it got the best of me.

 

So what now? Do I just jump right back into NC? Or notify him first?

 

I know in my head this affair is pointless but something keeps telling me to hold on. I want to be over him. I'm trying. I'm sorry for sounding childish but it's how I feel. I can't change how I feel.

 

Do you think dating someone else would help? Or make things worse?

 

You need to rely on your women friends and family to fulfill your loneliness NOT him. He is poison to you!

 

No you don't notify him, just do it. Go NC. The ONLY way you take control is to stop contacting him and ignore him.

 

Dating someone else right now would be a huge mistake. You need to really understand that your A is over and grieve the loss. And DO counseling, that's a must if you want to get over Josh. You have a lifetime of habits, thought patterns and love for him that will not go away without professional help. I mean that respectfully. What you are doing now has not been working.

[eye of the storm]

Ok, I messed. I've been feeling so lonely over the holidays and my birthday, that I guess it got the best of me.

 

So what now? Do I just jump right back into NC? Or notify him first?

 

I know in my head this affair is pointless but something keeps telling me to hold on. I want to be over him. I'm trying. I'm sorry for sounding childish but it's how I feel. I can't change how I feel.

 

Do you think dating someone else would help? Or make things worse?

 

You messed up. Most of us have. And holidays are super tough for many people.

 

What to do now? What do you you do when you trip and fall, you get back up brush yourself off and keep moving.

 

You can't change how you feel, but you can change your actions. And if you maintain your actions, eventually your mind will catch up. Then you will one day look up and be so glad that you got thru this.

 

I wouldn't date right now. You need to clear your head. Right now, every man you meet you will try to compare to the MM. They will all fall short and you will use that to hold tighter to the MM. It isn't that they aren't as good. But, your mind will tell you they aren't. And because it fits with your fairy tale, you will believe it. (I'm dealing with that issue right now myself)

 

Look, Jenn, this is a process. It takes time.

 

What would you tell a cancer patient that was complaining how terrible they feel in treatment. When they start talking about how they felt better before. "It was just a lump. It was fine." Would you encourage them to quit knowing they are suffering now but when they finish treatment will be cured?

 

You are suffering now. But if you decide to let go of childish fantasies and look at all you have. You will know that in time, you will be so happy you got past this.

 

Lets say this guy actually does leave. Every time you have a bad day you are going to look at him and think about each and every single time he rejected you. You are going to constantly wonder because you know you were never his first choice. You are going to be aware of how easily he lies. This will not be a fairy tale. He is so fantastic because you dont have him every day. You don't have to deal with bills, debts, child support, xW, chores...All the things his W does. He is going to blame you and your clingyness for him losing his child and having to pay so much money.

 

Your fantasy is going to turn into a nightmare.

[sandylee1]

Oh Jenn,

 

What can I say. You're back to minus square 1, because now he knows your word means nothing and you are okay with being his secondary relationship.

 

If this guy files within the next 6 months, I'll be amazed and I'll wire you $10 to have a drink on me.

 

He who cares the least has the most power and right now, that isn't you.

 

You must go 100% NC or you'll be reduced to a less than the OW.

[jah526]

Ah, Jennifer, I hope my post didn't influence you. Our situations are different and I believe my sexual involvement with him is on the wane, but I'm still going to go through with the counseling anyway. I agree with the other posters that this is a good idea for you too.

[drypuddle]

I rarely feel the need to chime in because so many other people have said such thought provoking things...

 

That being said ...

 

I was involved in my A for 5 months and you've been at this for 4 years?!! I can't imagine putting my life and happiness on the back burner for the hope of someone else for that long. It tore me up, that 5 months, and you've had over 48. What do you need to happen to learn you deserve so much more?!

[aileD]

I have a thought.

 

First let me preface it by saying: I do not think Josh is good for you and I don't think he deserves you and I wish better than him for you. I think if you do get together down the line he will cheat on you.

 

Ok. That said. You're having trouble with the finality of it all. That's understandable.

 

What if you tell yourself (and him IF he contacts you again and it's unavoidable speaking with him) "you need to end your marriage the right way. Your wife and child deserve that respect. You need to mourn your marriage and the loss of your family without me involved. You need to be independent for a bit and recenter yourself, and if/when you do that I will be waiting for you to bring me on a proper date. Let's touch base again one year from now. If none of those things have been done (divorce, apartment, independence, time) then I will know we weren't meant to be and move on with our lives separately. If we were meant to be, you will spend the next year making sure these things happen. "

 

 

That:

1. gives him a year to prove his love to you (sweetie...he won't. I can feel it)

2. Gives you a year to focus on you, knowing he is not gone forever from your life...it's just a year.

3. If he does not do the work, then you will have had a year of NC under your belt and hopefully see things clearer and be stronger for true no contact

 

 

Honey. He's not going to leave his wife. But you can give him the chance. Just do it right. If he does leave--they usually go back. So he needs a year alone to get over all that if he does leave. He will try to call you up saying "I left!" And he may want to stay with you and start up right away. Don't let him. He needs to have his time to figure it out alone if you are going to have a healthy relationship.

 

A year. You can do that.

[aileD]

Also. Every time you give in, makes it more certain he won't leave his wife. If he truly can't live without you then he will take actions if he's without you. But if you keep letting him have you.....he doesn't need to do that .

[jennifernyc84]

I have a thought.

 

First let me preface it by saying: I do not think Josh is good for you and I don't think he deserves you and I wish better than him for you. I think if you do get together down the line he will cheat on you.

 

Ok. That said. You're having trouble with the finality of it all. That's understandable.

 

What if you tell yourself (and him IF he contacts you again and it's unavoidable speaking with him) "you need to end your marriage the right way. Your wife and child deserve that respect. You need to mourn your marriage and the loss of your family without me involved. You need to be independent for a bit and recenter yourself, and if/when you do that I will be waiting for you to bring me on a proper date. Let's touch base again one year from now. If none of those things have been done (divorce, apartment, independence, time) then I will know we weren't meant to be and move on with our lives separately. If we were meant to be, you will spend the next year making sure these things happen. "

 

 

That:

1. gives him a year to prove his love to you (sweetie...he won't. I can feel it)

2. Gives you a year to focus on you, knowing he is not gone forever from your life...it's just a year.

3. If he does not do the work, then you will have had a year of NC under your belt and hopefully see things clearer and be stronger for true no contact

 

 

Honey. He's not going to leave his wife. But you can give him the chance. Just do it right. If he does leave--they usually go back. So he needs a year alone to get over all that if he does leave. He will try to call you up saying "I left!" And he may want to stay with you and start up right away. Don't let him. He needs to have his time to figure it out alone if you are going to have a healthy relationship.

 

A year. You can do that.

 

A year? I think I can do that. And it it turns out that it doesn't work, I'll be a year stronger.

 

January 1st 2017 to January 1st 2018

[eye of the storm]

Jenn, I warned you before and you didn't believe me, don't get cocky.

 

This year allieD is talking about isn't Jan 17-18. It it a year from him filing, moving out and living on his own WITHOUT YOU. It is a year for him to handle his crap. It is not a year of you providing soft landings for him. It is not till Jan 2018.

 

If he is not man enough to handle his business, then you have no standards.

 

You must do this for you. Not for him. Right now he knows he could take a dump in the living room and you would pick up a spoon and eat it to please him. If he walks out of her house and into yours it would not be because he loves you, it will be because you are willing to accept anything to have him and will not demand to be treated well. You are nothing more than a floor mat.

 

If that is ok for you and your story book ending then admit it. Admit you are not worth any better. Pick up your spoon.

 

If you are a person of value then put your foot down and demand to be treated that way. Go NC. Get therapy. heal and have a good life.

[heartwhole]

Until you see him for what he is, you're going to be susceptible to slip-ups. I think IC is super important for you -- why wouldn't you want outside help with this?

 

The fact is, that even IF he leaves, and IF he goes through with divorce, and IF he wants and can maintain a proper relationship with you . . . he is still the guy who will cheat for no apparent reason. He is still the guy who can lie without a qualm. He is still the guy who views himself as a poor victim when a single woman won't agree to be his side piece indefinitely and uses manipulative, passive aggressive means to change that. That's who he is at the core. So even if you get him, which you know is a long, long shot, what you get is not good for you.

 

Until you face that cold, hard fact, then this cycle is going to continue. You are the only one who can put an end to it. He has no reason to -- his wife obviously accepts this behavior on some level, and you accept it too. Why wouldn't he eat cake?

 

Remember that it's pretty easy to predict people's future behavior by looking at their past behavior.

 

No one can turn you into a side chick without your consent. Please get into IC to figure out why you would put yourself in that position.

 

I'll be honest, I've read other OW's stories where I could kind of get why they stayed with their MM, where he seemed really to love them and eager to make the relationship work for the OW. And those OW were realistic about what they could get out of the relationship and I could kind of say, OK, I get it, minus the part about the spouse being exposed sexually without their knowledge or consent. But in your case, I don't see anything other than a really selfish, manipulative guy. So I can't fathom why you would spend four prime years of your life on him.

 

After DD, we got into MC and she had us read "After the Affair." There was a paragraph about a MM realizing how terrible it was that he let the OW spend part of her prime on a dead-end relationship when she could have been out finding her own spouse to start a family with. That hit home with my WH -- even though the OW was this eager puppy dog and assured him she would take whatever he could give her, he realized what a dickish thing to do that was. And I'll be the first to say that my husband struggles with selfishness and low empathy, but he was able to see that pretty quickly. I don't think your MM would ever see that. His Instagram shows that he is incredibly self-centered and lacking in self-awareness.

 

Your job is to get into IC stat. Seriously. I have very stable self-esteem and judgment and a good support system, but any time I experience a trauma I get into IC immediately. Why not have an outside ear and make your own emotional health a priority? You don't have anything to lose except your blinders.

[spideywoman]

 

Here's a warning. In the next six months you will find yourself in a fetal position crying over a man that not yours. I can guarantee it.

 

Yep. As strong as I feel after 5 months of LC sort of NC, this is me sometimes. Fetal. Crying. Not worth it Jennifer, not worth it.

[sandylee1]

Jenn,

 

Do you honestly believe he'd be faithful to you if he left her? I know you don't have a crystal ball, but looking at the way he's cheating on her, why would it be different with you?

 

Do you think he loves you more?

 

That you can fill all his needs and prevent him having an affair?

 

How will you feel when he goes to pick up his son and stays an hour longer? Will you think they're having sex?

 

Do you feel deep down that you and he have a special kind of love and no one else can get in the middle of you?

 

ALLIE said to give him a year .... have another think what a real relationship would be like for you both. Not just the hot and heavy sex you guys have, but real day to day relationship issues.

 

One more thing ..... to leave his wife:

 

▪ He's got to be quite unhappy with her (rubbish sex, her not featuring in his future)

▪ He's got to see you as a forever romantic relationship, that was worth ending his marriage and splitting up his family

▪He's got to think of the finances. ..they could still be in debt from the IVF

▪ He's got to think about what his family will say if he's close to them

▪ He's got to think about whether they'll accept you .. Many parents and siblings don't ever accept the OW

 

 

Josh has a lot of thinking to do about finally ending his marriage. Only time will tell if he's gonna do it. If he does, then it's only going to be because he really really loved you and can't be without you..... but as has been said, when the kitchen is still open, he knows he can pop in to eat. ... so he'll not pull the plug unless you padlock the kitchen door.

 

Men aren't that complicated. Stop feeding him.

[PinkElephants]

I wanted to feel empowered and strong.

 

How do you wish to accomplish this?

[aileD]

Jen,

 

Read this.

 

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

[jennifernyc84]

First I want to say happy new year to all you wonderful people.

Second, I'd like to thank all of you who took the time out to reach out to a poor soul like me.

 

Third, Let's talk about new year new beginnings. He called me today.

 

He told me he made a resolution this new year. Wanna know what it is? To drop his feelings for me. To focus more on his family. To rebuild his relationship with his wife and to raise his son in a healthy, happy, family environment.

 

He sounded very stern. Like he'd given it a lot of thought. I didn't plead or argue at all.

 

He told me I ignite feelings in him that no married man should ever have. He said he does love his wife and wants make things right with them, and as long as I'm around, that's not possible. He said that I will always hold a part of him but it's time to close this chapter of our lives.

 

In a way, I'm happy. Because now I KNOW that it's over. Every other time we'd broken up, it was my initiation. This is the first time he's ever talked like this. I mean, this *is* what I wanted..right?

 

So much has happened in the last few weeks that I haven't even had time to process all this crap.

 

I didn't ask him a single question. I just sat there, holding my feelings in. I didn't cry in front of him. I didn't act hurt or sad even. I let him talk, then said goodbye. I didn't even give him a proper goodbye.

 

I don't know if I will ever see or talk to him again. I didn't ask if we would, but the way he made it sound, I don't think so. The way he said goodbye, I don't know. Like it was final.

 

So that's that.

 

I wanted to say thanks again you guys, for being there.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I don't even want to try.

[whichwayisup]

Wish you had said "If you ever contact me again I'm going to tell your wife everything!"

 

I hope it's over for real. Just too easy to say it's over and then in a week or two when he misses you, wants sex or attention he'll call, you'll cave and you're back to square one.

 

Or, GET PISSED off and now hold yourself accountable! NO MORE affair, NO more Josh.

 

He's gone from one extreme (divorcing his wife) to another (wants to stay married).

 

I hope you truly 'see' and 'get' it. Please do the counseling to help you grieve and move through this so Josh will no longer be in your heart or your head.

[jennifernyc84]

Wish you had said "If you ever contact me again I'm going to tell your wife everything!"

 

I hope it's over for real. Just too easy to say it's over and then in a week or two when he misses you, wants sex or attention he'll call, you'll cave and you're back to square one.

 

Or, GET PISSED off and now hold yourself accountable! NO MORE affair, NO more Josh.

 

He's gone from one extreme (divorcing his wife) to another (wants to stay married).

 

I hope you truly 'see' and 'get' it. Please do the counseling to help you grieve and move through this so Josh will no longer be in your heart or your head.

 

 

There are so many things that i should have said. Thinking straight now, I can think of 1000 things I should've said. But then I was just kind of stunned. He's never talked like this before. Ever.

 

I should've asked him:

 

What made him change his mind when only a few days ago he was talking about divorce? Then a few days after that "let's just be friends" then he comes over for sex. What prompted all the back and forth statements?

 

He said he loved me and couldn't see a future with anyone but me. Was that a lie?

 

Did he ever love me or was it just to get in my pants?

 

Did he only see me as a hole to put his d*ck?

 

what am I supposed to do about the 4 freaking years he robbed from my life???

 

Did he ever have intention of acting on the things he said and then change his mind? Or was it all a lie?

 

I can't believe it was all a lie. I just don't think it was. He loved me, I felt it. I know he did.