Will I ever be his #1?

[jennifernyc84]

Totally. Plus what kind of a man posts crap like that on Instagram? Men post pictures of motorcycles, steaks and cigars, not quotes about feelings. That is for Pininterest anyway. I cannot spell that stupid site.

 

*pintrest* lol.

 

He knows I don't use Pinterest. I could never figure it out for some reason.

[BuddyX]

Totally. Plus what kind of a man posts crap like that on Instagram? Men post pictures of motorcycles, steaks and cigars, not quotes about feelings. That is for Pininterest anyway. I cannot spell that stupid site.

 

Midnight dead on. 100% Agee

Women, post pics of what you baked, cuz I'm hungry. Women, Post pic of you in the gym, cuz you're sexy.

 

Guys posting passive aggressive crap is childish. Weak Sauce

[minimariah]

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back?

 

because you dumped him.

 

i assume it looks like this from his perspective: he's in love with you & you know it. you're in love with him & he knows it. and it probably seems to him that he was juuuuuuuuuust about to make a decision & you left. i'm positive he's CERTAIN he would file if ONLY you could wait juuuuuuuust a little bit longer -- that way, he's rationalizing, it's your fault. that feeling is always present - if you could JUST wait a little bit longer because he was soooo close... it does not match the reality, of course; also... he's hurting. he's wondering how can YOU go a day without reaching out... so he's trying to provoke a reaction out of you & hurt you back. he's upset with you because you're upset with him. there is also the addiction factor - and he's going through a crisis. so yeah - it is a bait. notice how he went from "come back, i'll file" to "okay, can we AT LEAST be friends?" --- what did happen with his promises of him finally filing?

 

just to be clear - you didn't stab him in the back. if anything - he stabbed YOU in the back. not even necessarily by marrying someone else but rather by having a child while he was falling in love with you. instead of trying to figure out an exit strategy... he cemented himself further, making everything 100000x harder than it needed to be. and really... he had an easy way out.

 

you don't need to force recovery. you're going through high highs and low lows right now: that's why you felt like it was TRULY over just last night (when in reality - the healing didn't even begin), you felt like the new you, you felt empowered... and that's all gone today. takes little to get triggered and placed right at the beginning.

 

it's okay to be in love with him, to want to be with him... blah, blah. that's where you're at right now and no need to delude yourself into anything else. use little tricks for now: block him & the wife on social networks, make a list of all the sh*t he did that emotionally devastated you and read that list every single time you think about the good moments. help yourself whatever way you can until the 1st phase is over and until you find your inner strength when it comes to him.

[sandylee1]

Ok, I feel like I'm spamming you guys today. Sorry if I am

 

So I was checking his instagram. (I blocked him, he didn't block me. And his account isn't private. I am not following him. I never was).

 

I saw a post from a few days ago. It was the day he planned for us to meet at the play. The post said Some people will stab you in the back and act like they're the ones bleeding. I questioned if that post was meant for me. Then I read the caption and it just said "Straws"... I have naturally strawberry blond hair and for this reason he'd always call me strawberry, which he later shortened to Straws. No one else in the whole world knows this but him and I. So it was definitely meant towards me.

 

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back? Is it just bait? I don't think I did back stab him. At all!

 

You see that would totally piss me off.

 

He wants to play the victim here.

He wants you to be happy you've been strung along for 4 years and is peeved you don't want the role of invisible woman anymore.

 

That's quite self entitled thinking he's got there.

 

You can't be his friend and you know why. Youre in love with him. All the messages since haven't offered you anything more have they?

 

Ignore him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You see that would totally piss me off.

 

He wants to play the victim here.

He wants you to be happy you've been strung along for 4 years and is peeved you don't want the role of invisible woman anymore.

 

That's quite self entitled thinking he's got there.

 

You can't be his friend and you know why. Youre in love with him. All the messages since haven't offered you anything more have they?

 

Ignore him.

 

All this and when/if his wife finds out, you will see a totally new person. I had all this same stuff done everytime I pulled back during the A. The second - I mean the nano-second - his wife knew, he was g-o-n-e.

 

You want to see how he really feels? Tell him to tell his wife or you will. Watch him backpedal.

 

Actually, no. I don't want you to contact him. Keep on going forward into 2017 and don't look backwards. When you get out of the burning house, you don't turn around.

 

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

[Poppy47]

Ok, I feel like I'm spamming you guys today. Sorry if I am

 

So I was checking his instagram. (I blocked him, he didn't block me. And his account isn't private. I am not following him. I never was).

 

I saw a post from a few days ago. It was the day he planned for us to meet at the play. The post said Some people will stab you in the back and act like they're the ones bleeding. I questioned if that post was meant for me. Then I read the caption and it just said "Straws"... I have naturally strawberry blond hair and for this reason he'd always call me strawberry, which he later shortened to Straws. No one else in the whole world knows this but him and I. So it was definitely meant towards me.

 

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back? Is it just bait? I don't think I did back stab him. At all!

 

He's laying the pity card there. I got "all I ever did was love you and ask the same of you."

 

xMM like to reel you back in. Many have observed here, it's easier to keep the OW you know, rather than break in a new one. Much like breaking a new horse if you get my drift.

 

Please get rid of those messages or at least go read an interesting book.

 

He is NOT your friend and does not have your best interests at heart.

I know you are trying hard to get over the A but replaying all its moments just keeps it fresh in your mind.

 

Happy 2017 Jen... make it a great one for yourself.

Poppy.xxx

[jennifernyc84]

I guess I might as well fess up. It's not an easy one, either.

 

I called him. And that's not even the worse part. I met up with him for coffee and to talk. I don't know why I agreed to it. I guess part of me wanted to see him. Ok, a huge part of me wanted to see him. So we talked. I told him how I felt and how hard it's been to stay away from him. I don't know why I told him that but it kinda just poured out. He told me that now that the holidays are over, that he would get to it and file. I asked him when, and he said as soon as possible. I'm not sure what that means but he assured me it's going to happen soon.

 

Then he drove me to my place...I invited him in. I didn't want to, but I did. He came in and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't stop shivering. I was never so nervous. I don't know why. It just felt..wrong.

 

I was contemplating on whether or not I should post about this. I was making progress. I know I was.

 

I guess I really am stuck.

[SoleMate]

You backslid. It's a 1 time mistake. Get back on track and remember this is your life you're fighting for.

[jennifernyc84]

You backslid. It's a 1 time mistake. Get back on track and remember this is your life you're fighting for.

 

It's upsetting because I didn't think I'd cave in. How can I just throw my morals out the window so easily.

 

I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself

[Chica80]

It's upsetting because I didn't think I'd cave in. How can I just throw my morals out the window so easily.

 

I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself

 

Ya you messed up. Pick yourself up and start fresh. He said he is going to leave her. But that can be next week next year 10 years from now. Never....How many more years do you want to wait around to find out? How much more time do you want to waste on him?

[jennifernyc84]

Ya you messed up. Pick yourself up and start fresh. He said he is going to leave her. But that can be next week next year 10 years from now. Never....How many more years do you want to wait around to find out? How much more time do you want to waste on him?

 

I've already wasted more time than I should have. I was the one who called it off because I was fed up.

 

Now I feel like he knows he can have me whenever he wants even if I say no, my body still says yes.

 

We were kissing and his hands were all over me. I was screaming at myself to stop inside my head, but I told that b*tch to can it and let me be.

 

After the sex, he said that he couldn't stay much more. It was already late. He got dressed and left.

 

I'm sitting here, thinking about what just happened, taking it all in. And the only thing I can think of is how I wish he didn't have to leave, and how I love this man with every fiber of my being.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I might as well fess up. It's not an easy one, either.

 

I called him. And that's not even the worse part. I met up with him for coffee and to talk. I don't know why I agreed to it. I guess part of me wanted to see him. Ok, a huge part of me wanted to see him. So we talked. I told him how I felt and how hard it's been to stay away from him. I don't know why I told him that but it kinda just poured out. He told me that now that the holidays are over, that he would get to it and file. I asked him when, and he said as soon as possible. I'm not sure what that means but he assured me it's going to happen soon.

 

Then he drove me to my place...I invited him in. I didn't want to, but I did. He came in and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't stop shivering. I was never so nervous. I don't know why. It just felt..wrong.

 

I was contemplating on whether or not I should post about this. I was making progress. I know I was.

 

I guess I really am stuck.

 

Your gut was screaming at you because you know you made a mistake tonight.

 

This is why I was strongly pushing you to seek counseling. You can't do this on your own and posting here, getting advise is great but until YOU decide it's over and you truly want the A over, never to see or speak to him again, you're going to continue to see him and allow him to manipulate you. Until you get so f'ing sick and tired of it and find that love and respect for yourself and put 'you' first...Then it'll be over. Sadly I think you still want him and think there's a chance.

 

He isn't divorcing his wife.

 

But, let's say he does. Then you two are a couple. What then? You play step mom to his young child (baby) and have to deal with his ex for the rest of your life. And all the fallout, facing everybody on both sides of your family and friends. Could you fully trust him? Build a life with him? Really give that some thought. Real life, not fantasy or wishful hoping and dreaming he's yours. You only know him now in an affair setting and so far he's NOT a person who is kind, loyal or loving. He's selfish, cruel and a liar.

[whichwayisup]

I've already wasted more time than I should have. I was the one who called it off because I was fed up.

 

Now I feel like he knows he can have me whenever he wants even if I say no, my body still says yes.

 

We were kissing and his hands were all over me. I was screaming at myself to stop inside my head, but I told that b*tch to can it and let me be.

 

After the sex, he said that he couldn't stay much more. It was already late. He got dressed and left.

 

I'm sitting here, thinking about what just happened, taking it all in. And the only thing I can think of is how I wish he didn't have to leave, and how I love this man with every fiber of my being.

 

And now he has total power over you. He knows you cave and can't say no to him. He knows you're weak and is playing you so he gets what he wants.

 

That's not healthy love.

 

You two have a sick and unhealthy pattern going on and counseling is the only way for you to rid of it and change your way of thinking and behaving when it comes to him. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Google it.

[spideywoman]

Ok, I feel like I'm spamming you guys today. Sorry if I am

 

So I was checking his instagram. (I blocked him, he didn't block me. And his account isn't private. I am not following him. I never was).

 

I saw a post from a few days ago. It was the day he planned for us to meet at the play. The post said Some people will stab you in the back and act like they're the ones bleeding. I questioned if that post was meant for me. Then I read the caption and it just said "Straws"... I have naturally strawberry blond hair and for this reason he'd always call me strawberry, which he later shortened to Straws. No one else in the whole world knows this but him and I. So it was definitely meant towards me.

 

But why does he feel like I stabbed him in the back? Is it just bait? I don't think I did back stab him. At all!

 

OK so i've been following your thread since the beginning and honestly until now i thought this josh character was a decent guy. flawed, but fundamentally a nice dude. this instagram business made me rage on your behalf. uuumm, what? being stabbed in the back? sure, he may feel hurt but this screams that he's so not understanding his role in all of this. reeks of self entitlement. blinders on. this is a classic guilt trip. he feels like he has been stabbed because, quite childishly, he feels that you're denying him that to which he feels entitled: you, his wife / child.

 

perhaps it triggered something in me. reminded me of something my xmm said earlier this year when i told him i had decided to end my marriage, and that it had everything but nothing to do with him. he said something like 'i will have everything (wife, his then yet-to-be-adopted-children) and you'll have nothing.' that stunned me. that he would think that way. i turned around and said 'at least i have my integrity intact. i have chosen to not continue in a marriage that's neither satisfactory to me or to my husband. i am honest with myself and i'm not burying my head in the sand. that the relationship i have is not the one i want or need and i that am not bound by outside pressures to remain with someone because ending it might look back or be difficult for me. and i'm certainly not contemplating bringing children into an environment which is already troubled.' that shut him up.

 

ok, rant over

Edited December 31, 2016 by spideywoman

[Poppy47]

I guess I might as well fess up. It's not an easy one, either.

 

I called him. And that's not even the worse part. I met up with him for coffee and to talk. I don't know why I agreed to it. I guess part of me wanted to see him. Ok, a huge part of me wanted to see him. So we talked. I told him how I felt and how hard it's been to stay away from him. I don't know why I told him that but it kinda just poured out. He told me that now that the holidays are over, that he would get to it and file. I asked him when, and he said as soon as possible. I'm not sure what that means but he assured me it's going to happen soon.

 

Then he drove me to my place...I invited him in. I didn't want to, but I did. He came in and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't stop shivering. I was never so nervous. I don't know why. It just felt..wrong.

 

I was contemplating on whether or not I should post about this. I was making progress. I know I was.

 

I guess I really am stuck.

 

Been there done that Jen.... more than you have I'll bet.

 

Unfortunately, it's back to NC for you and you have to start the painful process all over again.

 

I could easily do that tonight, as I spent last NYE with xMM. I have 9 months NC under my belt and I WILL NOT.

 

It's not the end of the world but I agree with the others who think you need help. YOu are simply stuck. If you can't get past that point, maybe counselling will help you.

Feeling for you,

Poppy.

[spideywoman]

 

After the sex, he said that he couldn't stay much more. It was already late. He got dressed and left.

 

 

ugh. now i read the rest of the posts. this is another classic, the above. you slipped up. time to get back on the saddle again. you can do it, we know you can. remember what i had said a few days ago? IF he's going to file, let him do it without you around. he should do it for himself, not for you. you have no part in this story anymore.

 

stay strong Jen.

[imsosad]

"After the sex, he said that he couldn't stay much more. It was already late. He got dressed and left."

 

Does this seem to you like someone on the verge of leaving his marriage?

Does this behavior spell out "just about to file for divorce"?

If he is about to tell his wife he's leaving, would he be so concerned about it getting late?

Except for whining, complaining and manipulating he has done NOTHING.

This was a power play, Jen. He got what he wanted (sex+prove to himself and to you that he calls the shots), got dressed and left.

Does this sound like love to you?

He is not leaving his wife.

You know how I know?

Because of his actions, or lack thereof.

From personal experience, if he really is planing to leave, he will do it even when you are in NC.

I just really don't think he's going anywhere at all.

Jen, you deserve better. Go NC and mean it this time. No stalking his social media, no listening to voice mails, nothing. This is no great love story, it is a tale of a man taking advantage of your infatuation with him.

[jenkins95]

"After the sex, he said that he couldn't stay much more. It was already late. He got dressed and left."

 

Does this seem to you like someone on the verge of leaving his marriage?

Does this behavior spell out "just about to file for divorce"?

If he is about to tell his wife he's leaving, would he be so concerned about it getting late?

Except for whining, complaining and manipulating he has done NOTHING.

This was a power play, Jen. He got what he wanted (sex+prove to himself and to you that he calls the shots), got dressed and left.

Does this sound like love to you?

He is not leaving his wife.

You know how I know?

Because of his actions, or lack thereof.

From personal experience, if he really is planing to leave, he will do it even when you are in NC.

I just really don't think he's going anywhere at all.

Jen, you deserve better. Go NC and mean it this time. No stalking his social media, no listening to voice mails, nothing. This is no great love story, it is a tale of a man taking advantage of your infatuation with him.

 

I was just about to quote that sentence but imsosad and spidey beat me to it. It kind of leaps off the page and has people rolling their eyes here. That upsets me most of all -- it's as though once he got what he wanted, he suddenly remembered his wife.

 

(((((Jen)))))

 

Don't worry, you'll be alright. It is SO easy to have a relapse like this. Most of us, MM, OW, whatever have had them - I did at the end of my a.

 

I would suggest perhaps one final communication along the lines of...

 

"I love you and want to be with you. You know this. But unless that can happen, any contact with you is torture. Last night has upset me and set me back greatly. I ask that if you love me, that you leave me alone completely and never contact be again....unless you have a divorce paper in your hand"

 

We're here for you Jen. Don't worry. Brush yourself down, deep breath and start again.

Edited December 31, 2016 by jenkins95

[Cymbeline]

Minimariah has it right. You really will not have a fulfilled life with this man if he leaves. He has no self awareness and no awareness of you - except as an object. His awareness of you exists in relation to his own desires only and his actions illustrate that: nothing that he does is for you. It is all for him. It would take a lot of internal work to change this.

 

Even if he were to leave, the wants and desires currently provided for by his wife and baby would then come to the forefront of his mind and he would think he wants his family again. This isn't a man with emotional intelligence or with the requisite ability or wish to realise that at the heart of every choice, thebreal problem is not really the choice but the relinquishing of the alternative: the giving up of the other option.

 

It takes health and maturity to see that to have the security of marriage and family, we must forgo the romance of a second romantic relationship; that love means caring about the wellbeing of someone. He refuses to make that decision and this will Impact every part of his life and the lives of those attached to him.

 

There will certainly be other examples of this in his life. You've known him a long time. Can you think of any? What was his family and childhood like? What happened that he didn't learn how to negotiate the handling of choices, emotions and the welfare of others?

 

What is in your past that has allowed you to spend your prime dating years on someone who is denying you the family which he has taken for himself, yet doesn't value? If he doesn't respect and cater for the psychological wellbeing of his baby he won't respect the wellbeing of a baby he has with you. Bringing up children requires hard and willing sacrifice and he shows every day that he will sacrifice nothing that he wants for anyone in his life.

 

The best gift you could give yourself now is the gift of (good) therapy. There will be lots available where you live.

 

He needs the same, but more and his work would be harder. He isn't going to do it, but you can, and you can gain an insight and a strength that will change your life for the better. You can do better than this man, but you need support to really bring out the best in you so that you are able to be part of the life of a mature and worthwhile partner.

 

The stronger you are, the stronger the partner you end up with will be. And the strength of your life partner matters - it really matters.

Edited December 31, 2016 by Cymbeline

[jenkins95]

Jenkins, do you still think of her? It's been over a year since you saw her, right?

 

Hi midnight, just noticed this question to me from a couple nights back. Sorry to temporarily take the thread back a few posts to answer it.

 

Do I still think of her? Yes. And one thing I am learning to accept is that I always will.

 

But the nature of how I think of her has changed. I chose to stay in my marriage based mainly on logical reasoning rather than emotion (but I also want to add that I did and do still love my wife). I was still in limerence and addicted to the OW and it was gut-wrenchingly difficult to break it off.

 

Afterwards, I thought obsessively about her and it was painful. I missed her and what we had. At the same time, I was genuinely trying to work on my marriage - it wasn't false R and I recognised that the mess in my mind would start to clear, but it was very difficult. As you have said many times midnight, it is very difficult to get over another from within a marriage when you are trying to save that marriage.

 

Fast forward a year and it is now much easier to think about the OW. I never go a day where she or the A doesn't enter my head, but these days it is more about dealing with regret and being sorry for everyone's hurt than actually missing it. I feel terribly sorry for what she went through and I wish her nothing but the best in life. I even allow myself the odd reminiscence sometimes about the "good" times, but I try to limit this - it isn't particularly healthy and is disrespectful to my family...but I have those memories and I am bound to revisit them sometimes.

 

Like many people, I would love to get "closure". A long chat in a coffee shop about what happened and why, followed by a big hug, mutual apologies and warm wishes for the future. I know this won't happen and it would be disrespectful to everyone to even suggest it (besides, of course, I can never under any circumstances contact her)...But it is encouraging that the only fantasy I now have regarding the A is the desire for proper closure, to part on good terms and for everyone to have a great future.

 

Good luck everyone and Happy New Year.

Edited December 31, 2016 by jenkins95

[Timshel]

I guess I might as well fess up. It's not an easy one, either.

 

I called him. And that's not even the worse part. I met up with him for coffee and to talk. I don't know why I agreed to it. I guess part of me wanted to see him. Ok, a huge part of me wanted to see him. So we talked. I told him how I felt and how hard it's been to stay away from him. I don't know why I told him that but it kinda just poured out. He told me that now that the holidays are over, that he would get to it and file. I asked him when, and he said as soon as possible. I'm not sure what that means but he assured me it's going to happen soon.

 

Then he drove me to my place...I invited him in. I didn't want to, but I did. He came in and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't stop shivering. I was never so nervous. I don't know why. It just felt..wrong.

 

I was contemplating on whether or not I should post about this. I was making progress. I know I was.

 

I guess I really am stuck.

 

I could have posted yesterday that you would post this today. Not even the slightest, tiniest bit surprised.

 

There is a world of difference between NC to end a relationship and NC as a game piece, a tool for manipulation. As I posted before, I believe that OP is still in the game of get 'im.

 

Jennifer, of course NC is what you should do if you are serious about no longer pursuing a married man. If you ever decide to really put an end to being the OW, then by all means.

 

Until then and for now, you have thrown your hand and should continue the affair...at least be honest that you have essentially zero intention of letting this guy go.

 

At no point in this thread, from thinking of telling his wife to fake NC to eliciting sympathy, have I observed anything short of strategy on your part.

 

My intention is not to offend or be combative...but I have to call it as I see it and this is my honest opinion. I hope that you will finally decide to end this relationship, for his wife and child's sake and that you will invest yourself in IC to implement healthy changes for your own future.

[minimariah]

Until then and for now, you have thrown your hand and should continue the affair...at least be honest that you have essentially zero intention of letting this guy go.

 

At no point in this thread, from thinking of telling his wife to fake NC to eliciting sympathy, have I observed anything short of strategy on your part.

 

^THIS, spot on. it's VERY easy to predict the future in this situation. i would also recommend counseling for the OP --- too much unhealthy fixation. and i hope Jen doesn't mind more direct & sometimes harsh posts - i think we're ALL trying to call it the way WE see it... i doubt folks on here have malicious intentions.

Edited December 31, 2016 by minimariah

[jennifernyc84]

It wasn't a game for me. I really felt like I wanted him out of my life because the pain of waiting, and losing him every time we went our separate ways became unbearable. But I've come to the conclusion that not having him at all hurts wayyyyyyyy worse.

 

All through the affair, my biggest fear was that he'd suddenly close me out. That he'd just stop it and break it off. And then that's exactly what I went and did.

 

I hate doing this. To myself, to his wife, to his son! The guilt is up to my neck. I guess I can give therapy a try. I don't know what else to do.

 

I missed him terribly and when I think of not seeing him anymore my heart feels like it's being mangled.

 

I wanted to feel empowered and strong. I told myself I was. The truth is I am not. All off this that I've created for myself, great job, great apartment in a great location in a great city, it means nothing. Yes, I'm proud and happy with it. But I'd give it away in a half of a heart beat to be truly happy. Why does he not see that? Or is the problem that he does see it?

Edited December 31, 2016 by jennifernyc84

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, you say the pain of being without him is way worse. It is. But it is short term. The pain of being with him is long term, it will not end.

 

Going NC. Deciding you are worth more. Hurts but when you come out at the other end you are in a good place.

 

Staying in the A keeps you trapped in that box. And the hurt and the pain constantly surround you.

 

You are still that little girl looking for her prince and unicorn babies. You need to grow up.

 

Only you can decide when you are tired of it.

[BuddyX]

He does see it. He just doesn't care. That sad feeling you had when he got up and left, yeah that one that will keep on repeating - Well, unfortunately he'll never experiences that. He just gets up and goes to see his wife and kid.

 

We're only faithful as our options. And you are nothing but an option to him.

 

Remember, happiness should not hurt this much. And you were not put on this earth to be someone's mistress.

 

If you want to continue with the affair, by all means. But you can't come here and act all tough. How you'll overcome this. Blah, Blah, blah. Actions over words.

 

Here's a warning. In the next six months you will find yourself in a fetal position crying over a man that not yours. I can guarantee it.