Should I even be with him?

[Habbathejutt]

Hi all, my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. It's my first serious relationship and his 3rd. We have shared viewpoints and hobbies, enjoy being around each other and aside from all I'll talk about, he is a good man who can be wonderful, when things are going well.

We started off as friends in the beginning. He had been single for 7 months when we met and had come out of a bad relationship. He said it moved too quickly and ended terribly. So, when we started dating he said he wanted to take things slowly, which we did, by focusing on just getting to know each other without becoming physical. It took about 3 months for him to even hold my hand, to give you an idea. He also said at the beginning that he didn't feel he was good enough for me and he didn't want to hurt me. I look back now and wonder if he wasn't meaning, "I don't want to hurt you", because he knows how he is, but at the time I didn't see it that way.

 

I have observed many a healthy, loving relationship in my 20 some years and ours doesn't seem to reflect those, 60% of the time. I know each relationship and each person is different but, I believe that when two people are in love- there will be similarities to others in love (wanting to be together, going on dates, doing special things for one another etc.)

 

In the beginning of our relationship, he was very into pursuing me and we spent a lot of time together and things were great. Over time, things have become rocky and I'm not sure if it's worth continuing with him and working through things or, if it's wiser to get out now. It's very difficult though because I have fallen in love with him and I feel I overlook things because I want to be with him. I'm just hoping to get some insight from others who've maybe experienced a similar situation or can just see a little of what I'm not seeing through my jaded glasses.

 

The way I feel towards him comes out in wanting to shower him with love, time and affection, whatever way I can. I make him meals and desserts he loves, drive food over to him when he gets off work in awful D.C. rush hour traffic- just to see him and then drive back to go into work myself, send him love letters, support him, listen to him vent and offer advice, buy him little things I know he'd like or use, rearrange my schedule just to spend time with him, etc.

I know I'm not a perfect girlfriend and I'm willing to work on my own issues to better myself and our relationship but sometimes I dont know if I'm wasting my time and heart on a man who doesn't want this like I do.

I would not consider myself needy or clingy. I give him his space and respect him as an adult who is free to make his own decisions without having a girlfriend question his every move. I just would like his time when he's able to give it, and to see that our relationship is worth putting effort into. I don't care about expensive things or fancy restaurants or a constant check up but- a date or gift every now and then or a good morning text even once a week-would be nice.

 

On his end of things- he doesn't do much for me. Not that a relationship is about getting from the other but, there's gotta be some way he shows that he loves me, aside from just saying he does and being physical.

He's never planned or taken me on a date because he says he's not good at planning things (we always just hang out or go eat at a cheap place spur of the moment). When he has an opportunity to see me (we only see each other two times a week because he works 1st shift and I work 2nd) many times he doesn't.

For example- he was off work for a few days during a slow month at work and I didn't work until the evening. He drove right past my house one of the days but, never called to see me. When I asked him why, he said he really wanted to see me but he couldn't deal with the traffic anymore. He also barely tried to see me the other days he was off- he said he figured I wouldn't want to run errands with him. He'd show up 15 minutes before I had to leave for work and to him I guess that counted as spending time together? If we spent constant time together- I could understand him wanting space but, we sometimes only see one another once a week so, I don't understand.

He rarely calls or texts me- never texts me good morning/night, checks in on me once a day -even though he has his phone on him 24/7 and is free to use it at work, he calls maybe one time a week. If I didn't contact him first, I would hear from him even less I'm sure.

For my birthday, he asked what I wanted to do. I gave him a few ideas of places I'd like to go and told him to surprise me. He said he hated surprises. Birthday rolls around, I don't hear from him. I finally texted him at noon and he told me happy birthday and asked when I wanted to meet up. He finally gets there around 4pm (said he was late because he had to stop and get me a gift and card) and says, "what do you wanna do?" Inwardly, I was dissapointed because I really thought he was going to try and plan something for once. I felt like I really didn't mean that much to him that he couldn't go above his own dislike of planning and surprising- and do something I enjoyed. We ended up going to one of my favorite lakes and he spent the whole time on the other side of the place, exploring stuff away from me, as I sat watching the sunset. Then he came over to cuddle and asked if we could go because it was getting cold. I tried to enjoy the day but at the end of it, I felt really let down.

I was really sick for the first time recently and he never contacted me to see how I was until 7 pm that night and when he came over to bring me stuff I asked for, he said he didn't want to come too close and get sick. I asked him why he never took the time to check on me and see how I was and he got annoyed and then we got into a fight over all the above mentioned stuff and I told him I just didn't feel like I was important to him. The following day, he texted me every two hours on the dot, asking how I was. I told him he could stop because I got his point and he said, "what point? I'm just making sure you're doing ok" .......

This was not the first time we fought about his lack of showing me care and in the past, he would apologize and things would get better. He said he just didn't know how to treat a woman and needed to be taught. I found that hard to believe since he'd dated many times before but, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Lately when I've called him out on it, he said he knows he's been slacking. He also said he's been overwhelmed with work and I asked if he felt like we needed to take a break, if the relationship was becoming too much for him. He said it wasn't so, I guess he should be able to handle both.

All throughout our time together, he's always told me he loves and adores me, he thanks me all the time for all I do for him, he's very affectionate in private, we have a lot of fun together with our hobbies and have good conversation- and I suppose these moments keep me with him and I overlook everything else that's going on.

We also went on our first vacation together a few months back and it was wonderful. He was very present (many times he seems like he's not with me and isn't fully listening to what I'm saying, he also has adhd though so I attribute it to that), we were together all day, every day for a week and he even held my hand in public *shocker*. I felt like we grew closer in that week than the past few months we've been together so then I think that maybe we just don't spend enough time together but, I'm not sure.

 

He just doesn't seem to act 'in love' with me. He says he loves me all the time but, talk is very cheap. He tells me he loves me deeply but when I asked him if he was 'head over heels' in love, he said it takes time to get to that point. This was at 8 months of dating. I know everyone shows love differently but many times I feel like more of a friend to him, than a girlfriend, unless we're in private (he's very against any pda - he won't hold my hand in public or around family and if we're watching a movie or something, he sits on a separate couch, unless he wants a back rub or lovin).

Is it possible that someone can only show love through sex? He says being physical is his way of showing love but, can that be the only way? I don't know, maybe some people are like this.

 

To add to the mix of all that's going on, he's told me that he wants us to be married one day. He said he has no desire to be with anyone else because he's found the one for him. I'm not feeling secure enough with him to commit to marriage but I guess I'm also not sure why he'd want to get married- if he acts so 'blah' about our relationship so often. It's very confusing to me. When we try to talk about it, we end up fighting and he brings up the 'I'm not good enough for you' topic again but he says he really wants things to work with us and recently he brought up wanting to go to couples counseling. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a couple needing counseling, after not even dating a year??

He's also recently started counseling for himself and when I asked what for, he said it wasn't my business to know. He said he has some childhood things he's working through that relate to how he shows love -whatever that means- but, I won't know some things until after I marry him. Obviously, I saw the red flag a wavin on this and this has been what's caused me to post this. I told him I absolutely don't agree with that viewpoint and there's no way we can trust each other with secrets like that. What else is he hiding from me? I mean I'm glad he's getting help but, that made me feel so detached from his life that he feels he can't share that with me. And it's kinda of scary as well.

 

I think I can assume what most responses will be and I think I'm holding onto hope that things will change with him and then everything will be perfect. I've fallen for him and I hope for the best and want to do all I can to better things-even try counseling! But how do you know when it's just not going to work? How do you know when you're keeping yourself from being fully loved because you settle for the crumbs you receive? Maybe I already do know but I'm afraid to let go because it will hurt and I like having him in my life, despite certain ways he is. I've just been believing that he's a typical guy who needs to grow up (he's a few years younger than me) and time will change things. But I'm beginning to see others who seem so in love and I don't seem to feel that from him and I'm starting to believe it must be me- that there's something wrong with me that he doesn't feel that way towards me. He says he does but he says he just has a different way of showing it. But maybe I'm also putting too much of my self worth, into a man who's taking advantage of my love. I don't want to be his mother but sometimes I feel like I am

Any input will be appreciated, thanks for reading my book

[Dis]

Welcome to LS

 

You mentioned this is your first relationship...tbh I'm not surprised

 

As we get older we come to accept certain things and know better than to accept others

 

In this case, as 30 year old woman....I would never continue a relationship with a man who treated me like your bf treats you

 

You would be wise to walk away from this...your gut screamed at you when he mentioned marriage...theres a reason for that. Marriage with an emotionally vacant man would be hell on earth

 

I know you feel like you love him, but you really dont know what real love, or a real (healthy) relationship is. If you did...you'd be running away from this guy...not walking

 

No need to accept crumbs when theres men out there who would serve you a 3 course meal on any given day

 

You know what to do...now you just need to do it

 

Best of luck girly

[smackie9]

You know what you want and expect and he doesn't fulfill it.....that means it needs to end and you find some on else who does fulfills your expectations. It's just the way it is.

 

This is why we date people....to try them out and see if they have potential to be a life time partner....this guy is wasting your time.

[Habbathejutt]

Thanks for the input!

I think sometimes we can have a tendency to settle, especially when someone hasn't come along in a while. I don't want to settle though! If things are this frustrating 10 months in, I can only imagine things getting worse down the road. I don't want to have an unhappy relationship, if it's in my power to prevent.

I think because I've never experienced this before, I'm seeing now that this is definitely not normal and shouldn't be put up with. Sad I had to learn this lesson but I guess better now than years into an awful marriage.

I guess it's very possible that I've duped myself into believing I love him? Because I've never really been in love, I'm sure it's possible that I just care deeply for him and assume that's true love? Ugh - a wake up call to myself and some deep self reflection is definitely needed!

As hard as things are to hear, especially when you become attached to someone, I know love shouldn't be this difficult.

Thanks for the advice and the confirmations of doing what I've known needs to be done, for a long while

Edited December 11, 2016 by Habbathejutt

[joseb]

Good OP, he sounds really awful tbh.

 

Please dump him and don't listen to "oh I'll change" bs when you do.

[Habbathejutt]

I guess my other question would be- what makes a guy like this? I'm sure there are multiple variables but, is it from women like me who cater to them even though they treat us badly?

[smackie9]

He is suffering from depression by the sounds of it, which would explain a lot about his behavior. People with mental illness can come off as inconsiderate and selfish.

Edited December 11, 2016 by smackie9

[mushroomlol]

It's like reading the story of my ex BF... Came strong pursuing but gradually showed less of an interest and didn't want to spend more time together...suffered from depression before and have all the excuses in the world that why he didn't meet you when he had time...

 

OP, trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, end it now, before it hurts you more. I am sure you are not really enjoying this relationship now

[bachdude]

I can see myself in him when I was younger.

 

 

He's a decent guy but clueless, doesn't understand women from a rock,doesn't know how to "make" a woman feel special, and he is lazy in your relationship.

 

 

The only way he will change is after enough women pull the plug.

 

 

He likely won't change if you stay with him, sorry to say. If you stay, his behavior is rewarded and he will have even less incentive to change. He is at his best as he is "trying" to get you to marry him.

[Habbathejutt]

The depression makes sense. He was on meds for it as a teenager, I haven't even considered that there could be a connection though because he's usually upbeat when he's with me. Now that's it's been brought up, I can recall times when we've been together and he's said he needed to just go home or he didn't show to a family event once because he was sleeping. That would also make sense why he just likes to be on his own, and only wants to be around me when he's feeling like it. I'm sure depression can't be the only reason he treats me like he does but it does help to understand things a little more. He's against going on meds for anything so I don't see anything changing in that department.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses, they've been a big help.

[Redhead14]

[]

 

enjoy being around each other and aside from all I'll talk about -- One positive sentence out of a "wall" of typing that describes a "relationship" that is unfulfilling for you . . .

 

What you have is a very one-sided relationship where you are doing all the work essentially. He loves that it's easy for him and that you are accepting it. He says he loves you, but he loves that he doesn't have to do much to keep you around.

 

But maybe I'm also putting too much of my self worth, into a man who's taking advantage of my love. -- You know exactly what's going on and don't want to face it because you are "in love" but you are not in love with HIM, you are in love with the man you wish he would be. What you have now with him is what you will always have. Ten months is enough time to see who he is. He isn't a bad guy, he's just a guy who is content with who he is and the relationship because, like I said, it's easy for him. He likely doesn't want to move on either because to him things are fine just the way they are for him. He is giving it all he's got/wants to give but will accept whatever you want to give him.

 

Relationships should be balanced in terms of give and take. You shouldn't give more than you're getting unless you are prepared to give all that without needing something in return from him and you do need to have your feelings and effort returned. He doesn't do that. Move on. At best, you have a friendship.

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted long quote of original post ~6

[Lorenza]

Sounds a lot like my last relationship.

 

After being terribly unhappy for about a year, I ended it.

 

And you know what I realized? If you start off with breadcrumbs, it will never become anything more than that.

 

During the first months he's already giving you the very minimum and there's almost no chance that he will suddenly want to raise the bar. If anything, those breadcrumbs will become even more scarce.

 

My last guy was just as uninvested as yours. Would rarely ever text or call, skip the opportunities to see me, cancel all the time, never took me out on dates, never initiated any plans. Even had adhd.

 

Like a complete idiot I waited for so long for him to solve his problems and start investing into our RL. But nothing ever happened, he gave me less and less as the months went by.

 

So I'd advice you not to waste your time. If anything, the first year should be wanting to be around each other as much as possible, going on dates, being happy. Nothing that starts off so badly ever brings any good. Guys won't just suddenly start putting effort.

[dmma883]

You seem like a very genuine and loving person and he seems to be taking that for granted. Its so hard to let go sometimes but in this case it seems best too. You deserve a man that will reciprocate what you do for him, he should treat you like a queen.