I'm a newlywed with a disinterested husband

[queenbee73]

Hi. I have been married going on 2 years. I have so many issues and I not sure where to begin. My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We dated for two years prior to getting married. My husband is a introverted video gamer nerd (he will tell you the same ). The main issue right now is the lack of interest in me. It seems he would rather play his games than be intimate with me. He does not play every night because we have discussed it and compromised on certain days. Still, games put aside he still does not want to initiate sex. I have told him if he spent half the time he spends on the game and invests it his relationship how amazing that would be!

We are probably having sex twice a month. He does have an ED issue and 90% of the time has to take pills. However, he may take pills earlier in the evening and never put them to use. In the past, I have always been a very sensual and sexually adventurous person so this is an emotional blow to me. My self-esteem has completely tanked. I have discussed this with him about how much this hurts me. He is a very caring and gentle man so naturally, his answer is always the same, "I am sorry. I do better."

 

Recently, I discovered he is watching porn when I am not home. This discovery has completely crushed me! I feel cheated on! He will not have sex with me but he will whack up to some chick who would not give him the time of day.

I don't know what to do. Do I discuss this with him? Should I keep quiet? This is eating me up

 

QB

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi. I have been married going on 2 years. I have so many issues and I not sure where to begin. My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We dated for two years prior to getting married. My husband is a introverted video gamer nerd (he will tell you the same ). The main issue right now is the lack of interest in me. It seems he would rather play his games than be intimate with me. He does not play every night because we have discussed it and compromised on certain days. Still, games put aside he still does not want to initiate sex. I have told him if he spent half the time he spends on the game and invests it his relationship how amazing that would be!

We are probably having sex twice a month. He does have an ED issue and 90% of the time has to take pills. However, he may take pills earlier in the evening and never put them to use. In the past, I have always been a very sensual and sexually adventurous person so this is an emotional blow to me. My self-esteem has completely tanked. I have discussed this with him about how much this hurts me. He is a very caring and gentle man so naturally, his answer is always the same, "I am sorry. I do better."

 

Recently, I discovered he is watching porn when I am not home. This discovery has completely crushed me! I feel cheated on! He will not have sex with me but he will whack up to some chick who would not give him the time of day.

I don't know what to do. Do I discuss this with him? Should I keep quiet? This is eating me up

 

QB

 

I had a very similar issue with the porn. You need to talk about it and find out what is going on in his head. He probably feels like less of a man that he has to take pills to get hard and would just rather use porn to get off. Do you offer to go down on him? Heck, you don't even have to offer it. It is a rare man who push you away. That usually helps guys with ED.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Discuss it with him...

 

I have to ask you, is there something you have done, or not done, to make him lose interest??

 

Recent weight gain? Recent drastic change of appearance? Not keeping up with your looks?

 

I can't really relate to not wanting to have sex, but then again, I have been in situations where women let themselves go and I have lost attraction.

 

If he's beating it to porn instead of having sex with you, there may be a reason behind it.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Also do you have kids? I can tell you from personal experience that kids can sometimes completely blow intimacy and sex drive

[queenbee73]

I had a son before we met who is with his dad 3 days out of the week. As for letting myself go...no. As for weight gain...sure but I'm pretty curvy and was when he met me. Honestly, when we were dating I initiated sex a lot!! I seduced him and enjoyed it. We were dating. Then one day he said something like "Wow, do you always want sex?" It cut me like a knife! So I stopped initiating

[Mr. Lucky]

Then one day he said something like "Wow, do you always want sex?" It cut me like a knife! So I stopped initiating

 

So why get married? Isn't dating and courtship designed to help you see if you're on the same page in important areas like this?

 

I don't get it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[QuietDan]

There are a lot of possible issues here.

Some are very serious.

Some of these issues may be related to some serious health issues.

Heart Disease.

Low Testosterone.

You should encourage him to see a doctor and get his blood pressure and hormone levels checked.

Low Testosterone levels can contribute to a lot of the issues mentioned.

 

E.D. issues may also be caused by problems with heart disease and high blood pressure. Even though he is having problems with E.D. due to the actual physical stress of fully engaged actual sex, it may not yet be a problem with the relatively less physical stressful act of masturbating to porn.

 

If there are physical or emotional issues that are contributing to the E.D., men have a tendency to avoid things that might not be successful, or that have a high risk of failure.

There is a lot of material available on these two subjects.

Learning about it now doesn't hurt.

It will prepare you for how to deal with things in an effective and positive fashion when these problems might be occurring.

 

Probable should be careful and avoid the appearance of over reacting with Porn as an issue.

 

However, it can be a serious issue and problem for some people and relationships if it is due to excessive visual erotic overload. They have a tendency to get desensitize to erotic input. Real life sex doesn't seem to provide enough stimulation to become sexually active, even if that person really wants to.

In this day and age, since there is so much material out there that is very available and easy to find and get to, he may be somewhat addicted to it.

Real sex isn't as erotic, wild, or extreme as the stuff that is available on line.

There is a lot of stuff about this as a relationship problem online. A little bit of research on how to deal with this might be useful.

 

It sounded like when you initiate, and seduce, he is still able to respond and get excited.

Work with what works. Play around with a bit. Cutting back a little might be necessary, but, I would encourage you not to completely stop. Long term wise, not good for you or the relationship. If the E.D. issue is due to physical health issues, maybe experiment with sexual activities and positions that are physically less stressful, or, allow him to be physically more passive.

 

Good news, there are also a lot of solutions that work as well.

Stay hopeful,

Stay positive,

Communication is the Key,

Fear is the Enemy

[QuietDan]

It sound like both of you may have some past baggage from past relationships. Sometimes that can sneak into the bedroom activities and play havoc. Insecurities, fears, self doubt, old resentments, learned attitudes. There are a lot of things that can trigger a fear response. Protecting the self in certain way during earlier relationships might have been needed and effective then. However, in the current relationship, counter productive, and the beginning of new/old problems. Finding a positive productive way to work through these issues might be challenging. But worth the effort if you find a way to work through them. Instead of looking for blame and hurt, look to communication, identifying problems, and developing solutions that work for both of you. Not easy. Easier said than done many times. Don't blame yourself. Not useful or helpful. Blaming him and being resentful and allowing bitterness to grow, not useful or helpful.

Good news with this as well.

There are also a lot of solutions that work as well.

Stay hopeful,

Stay positive,

Communication is the Key,

Fear is the Enemy

[VeveCakes]

Discuss it with him...

 

I have to ask you, is there something you have done, or not done, to make him lose interest??

 

Recent weight gain? Recent drastic change of appearance? Not keeping up with your looks?

 

I can't really relate to not wanting to have sex, but then again, I have been in situations where women let themselves go and I have lost attraction.

 

If he's beating it to porn instead of having sex with you, there may be a reason behind it.

 

WTF. This is awful. Sorry, its not the OPs fault her bf is addicted to porn and thus cant get it up.

 

Porn is definitely the problem. Watching too much desensitizes the brain, needing more to get excited or get off. ED is becoming rampant with the influx of porn.

 

Will your husband stop with the porn? Im not saying stop masturbating but stop the porn? That is the first step.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yep. Been here and have shared my story and all I have to tell you is that it rarely gets better

 

I agree that if you love your husband and want a fighting chance, you need to talk it out with him, like REALLY talk it out. This may mean you need professional counselling but be ready for him to not be compliant. Very few men are open to counselling of any kind never mind when it concerns sex and porn and sexual issues within the marriage.

 

And even if you do go to counselling, as I've stated countless times on here, it's only as good as the time and energy you BOTH put into it AFTER you leave the therapist's office and go home. Otherwise you might as well light your money on fire right now.

 

Trust me on this one.

 

My husband didn't put in the effort and therefore, after years of going back and forth with this, I ended our marriage after 20 years together. Porn and ED robbed me of my husband and contributed significantly to the intimacy problems in our marriage. It was THE primary factor in my decision to end my marriage.

 

Hopefully you can work it out and not end up yet another statistic but it will take BOTH of you to acknowledge the issues and BOTH of you to work on them together as well as separately. Just be prepared for the worst which would be that nothing changes. If that happens, you'll have some very hard decisions to make.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[stillafool]

I had a son before we met who is with his dad 3 days out of the week. As for letting myself go...no. As for weight gain...sure but I'm pretty curvy and was when he met me. Honestly, when we were dating I initiated sex a lot!! I seduced him and enjoyed it. We were dating. Then one day he said something like "Wow, do you always want sex?" It cut me like a knife! So I stopped initiating

 

So it sounds like he was never the one who initiated sex it was always you. Did you not realize he was not very sexually adventurous before you married him? 2 years was long enough to realize this. Do the women he is masturbating to look much different than you?

[NTV]

I've got a lot of suggestions that may be helpful to you lol.

 

First ever tried wearing costumes?

 

Second would you be willing to watch pornography with him?

 

Third can you video chat with him and strip?

 

4th would you be willing to give him a bj while he played? Now wait a sec because I know what most folks would say to that but here me out. Doing it would make him feel like King Kong. And it might be that if you stroke his ego once that way he'd start thinking of ways to pay off the unspoken debt. you could consider it an investment in the future that cost you all of what maybe 15-20 minutes? And if it doesn't work you haven't lost much.

 

Do you play the games with him?

 

Do you or he write for fun? Sending each other you write a short story fantasy stuff could be a lot of fun. And if you don't but he does or vice versa it only takes one to get it started lol.

 

Now I know this might sound old-fashioned but have you come around the corner while he's playing in a whipped cream bikini?

 

Have you guys considered going to some sort of convention for video games and then you could wear something a little bit spicy? Maybe have another dude to looking will get him to kick it into gear?

 

I've got a whole bunch more but I think I'll stop there... lol.

[5x5]

I'm sorry this has happened to you queenbee73, that said considering your description of your husband this was always bound to happen.

 

I think the best thing you can do being a sensual and sexually adventurous person, is divorce your husband and find a man who doesn't have erectile disfunction and often has sex.

 

Introverted, gaming, nerds with erectile disfunction that don't have much sex, probably aren't the best match for those who enjoy sharing lots of great sex.

 

At the end of the day it is highly likely that you could do naked cartwheels in front of him and it wouldn't make him want to have sex with you. So no matter what you try, you will effectively be wasting your time because that is who he is.

 

So for your own sanity and sexual satisfaction you would do well to replace him.

 

Good Luck.

[Aesc]

Hi. I have been married going on 2 years. I have so many issues and I not sure where to begin. My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We dated for two years prior to getting married. My husband is a introverted video gamer nerd (he will tell you the same ). The main issue right now is the lack of interest in me. It seems he would rather play his games than be intimate with me. He does not play every night because we have discussed it and compromised on certain days. Still, games put aside he still does not want to initiate sex. I have told him if he spent half the time he spends on the game and invests it his relationship how amazing that would be!

We are probably having sex twice a month. He does have an ED issue and 90% of the time has to take pills. However, he may take pills earlier in the evening and never put them to use. In the past, I have always been a very sensual and sexually adventurous person so this is an emotional blow to me. My self-esteem has completely tanked. I have discussed this with him about how much this hurts me. He is a very caring and gentle man so naturally, his answer is always the same, "I am sorry. I do better."

 

Recently, I discovered he is watching porn when I am not home. This discovery has completely crushed me! I feel cheated on! He will not have sex with me but he will whack up to some chick who would not give him the time of day.

I don't know what to do. Do I discuss this with him? Should I keep quiet? This is eating me up

 

QB

I've heard this same story before, from a woman that I dated. How come women always blame the guy in these situations? What I'd like to see for a change is the woman taking responsibility for her part in such a circumstance.

If a guy can masturbate to porn, then his impotence isn't. His desire is plenty there even if unrealistic.

 

Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why your husband is doing this. Then look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as your husband sees you. If he doesn't desire you, why? Are you a nag? Do you always complain? Are you controlling? Have you neglected your appearance? Is your weight a major turn off?

Edited December 17, 2016 by Aesc

[LargoLagg]

Porn, whacking furiously to willing nubile young strumpets on screen and pretending they are doing it to you will lead to a certain lack of real-life libido. On top of that, the rest of his preferred free time is driving cars, shooting people or aliens or maybe squashing mushrooms - all on a screen.

 

He's not really cheating. He's just living a virtual life. You're real life. His ED stems from the fact that he can't observe you banging some other guy behind glass. He's got to actually do it, you know, like putting in physical effort, rather than just sit there stroking himself while you successfully and effortlessly enjoy yourself with somebody else, pretending it's him.

 

Want sex? Tell him to stop. Tell him you're the only one who can touch him, and you'll do it whenever he wants, but it's just you, not him. Expect that he'll find that hard to live with, even if he's willing to try, which he won't be, because he'll think it's silly.

 

You'd think you'd be a little choosy after being married once already.

[Robert]

Looks like the thread starter has not been around so we'll close this to new posts for now. If they would like to reopen the thread, please contact us via the 'Alert Us' button. Thank you. ~6