Lotte Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Hi folks, My husband and I have been married for 4 years, not a really a smooth 4 years. The "honeymoon phase" ended rather quickly as we both have kids from previous marriages and two additional children for our marriage ... we've had to transition from newly weds to a growing family quickly. Last night my daughter was looking through an old photo book from when my husband and I were dating. My husband nonchalantly looked at the pictures and said "look, that's when Mommy was pretty." Immediately my daughter came to my defense and said "Mommy is still pretty". With an awkward look on my face, he turned to me and said "just kidding". I went to bed and haven't been able to get his response out of my mind. It makes me disappointed, sad, and angry! We have a 2 yo and. 4 mo old, so I know that I'm a little thicker than my usual, from having babies. I definitely don't feel frumpy or that I am not taking care of myself. With my extra weight I would give myself a high 7-8/10. Regardless though I think it was a very insensitive comment. My husband is not a great communicator and when I bring up something that upsets me, more times than not he closes up and communication just stops. For days, even. What can you guys tell me about approaching this versus just letting it go. Would you find it a big deal if your significant other made a comment like this? We've only been married 4 years and together for 6. 1
Philosoraptor Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it, all that matters is how it effected you. Him not being a great communicator is no excuse for these long term shut downs. Let him know that "jokes" like that hurt your feelings as you are still sensitive about your appearance from childbirth. You do not make to make is confrontational, just make a clear and concise statement. 3
Gloria25 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 When did you and husband last have a "date nite" where you got a babysitter, had dinner, dancing even...maybe a walk afterwards....then came home and had passionate sex all night? 1
Satu Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 It was very clumsy. (Some would say stupid.) I would say how it made me feel, and then get on with letting it go. That might take a while. Take care.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it, all that matters is how it effected you. Agree with this because your H will probably respond "I was joking", trying to minimize your feelings. Stick to your guns. He probably has a feature he's sensitive about (weight gain, hair loss, wrinkles, etc) and I doubt you'd be able to deliberately insult him and then play the "just kidding" card. Calmly tell him how he made you feel. His subsequent reaction will be telling... Mr. Lucky 2
gaius Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 It might have hurt but the guy was communicating something to you. He doesn't like your extra weight. Or maybe something else about your current appearance. If you chose to approach it from the aspect of whether or not you should tell him he hurt your feelings, well then you're kind of missing the message and the point. And that might be part of the reason why he doesn't communicate. You're not listening to what he said. If you're strong enough probably the best idea would be to ask him if your weight bothers him in a way that doesn't seem like he's going to be on the couch the rest of his life if he gives you the wrong answer. And if you do get him to be honest then deciding where you should proceed from there. Whether it's getting on a diet plan or initiating divorce proceedings. Or somewhere in between. At least your communication will have improved though. 2
Gloria25 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 It might have hurt but the guy was communicating something to you. He doesn't like your extra weight. Or maybe something else about your current appearance. If you chose to approach it from the aspect of whether or not you should tell him he hurt your feelings, well then you're kind of missing the message and the point. And that might be part of the reason why he doesn't communicate. You're not listening to what he said. If you're strong enough probably the best idea would be to ask him if your weight bothers him in a way that doesn't seem like he's going to be on the couch the rest of his life if he gives you the wrong answer. And if you do get him to be honest then deciding where you should proceed from there. Whether it's getting on a diet plan or initiating divorce proceedings. Or somewhere in between. At least your communication will have improved though. Thank you....^^ I don't think your husband set out to hurt you. People can only hide/hold in what they think for so long. And, he probably doesn't "communicate" to you, cuz like most women take things (not me) as an insult instead of it being an actual "fact". Assuming it's not your weight, when was the last time you greeted your husband home from a long day of work with you wearing something nice, a little make-up and smelling sweet? "Pretty" isn't just weight, aging, etc. He probably said "pretty" to mean that you don't doll up for him anymore. And, why should he bother with brining it up by saying "Gee, I miss how you used to dress when we first dated/met"? Cuz, he'll only be met with "Well, we have kids now and I'm busy, get real!!!" I have this argument all the time and some people say - "If a woman is beautiful, then she doesn't need to do her hair, nails, dress-up for her husband". "Dolling up" isn't about making someone who already is beautiful, beautiful...it's about wrapping up yourself in a lovely "gift" for your SO. If maintenance isn't needed after you get married, then why do women do it while dating and/or single?
Quiet Storm Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 There is truth in what gaius is saying, but I also think he's gotta lot a nerve to say that in front of your kid. I'd probably have told our kid to go in their room, then said "Eff you, mothereffer. Whatever problem you have with me, have the balls to talk to me about it. There's no need for this passive aggressive bullshlt." But that's just me. Don't let it get you down. His opinion does not define you. But it's important infomation. A window to his thoughts. Guys want their women to be in shape and attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't think men should be shamed for wanting a reasonably fit wife. But you have a four month old baby. His time frame is unreasonable. I'd be hurt by that, too. But we also have to consider that he's adjusting to parenthood. It's different. And stressful. I'm a mom of three. I understand how kids take up a lot of our time and focus. I'd yell at him for it and tell him his timeframe is unreasonable. But reassure him you plan to get back in shape. Make sure you have alone time together. Attention and sex can make a guy more forgiving of the extra pounds. When they feel deprived of attention and respect is when they start noticing every flaw. I'm not saying it's right, or that he's not acting like a big baby. Just that marriages have ups and downs, and our flaws and weaknesses come out in those down times. Commitment is designed to get you through it, until the good times come again. 2
Satu Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 I'm totally opposed to any kind of disrespectful or demeaning speech. I never indulge in it. It's totally unnecessary, and only ever makes things worse. And yet some people indulge in it in a casual manner, as if it's perfectly normal. It isn't. Take care. 7
Arieswoman Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 OP, That was a thinly-veiled put-down. It's subtle verbal abuse. You need to call him out on this, hurtful behaviour. Has he ever said anything similar before? 5
mikeylo Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Does he himself have Brad Pitt looks ? Or even closer ? Perfect body , no pouch no grays, all teeth in a row? Show him his place and see how well he receives what he dishes out. 2
Gloria25 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 If I were a man reading this thread, I'd never get married and/or put a baby in a woman if this is what I'd have to look forward to down the road.
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 If I were a man reading this thread, I'd never get married and/or put a baby in a woman if this is what I'd have to look forward to down the road. Ok but we could say the same for many women. She has given him 2 children the last being only 2 years ago. She is no celebrity with a gaggle of home helpers and personal trainers to get her back in shape, she is just a normal woman struggling with two small children, and her husband, the one who supposedly has her back, is putting her down over her looks. Raising children is hard work, the sacrifice is huge, so why even bother if your man only cares about how you look? 2
Gloria25 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Ok but we could say the same for many women. She has given him 2 children the last being only 2 years ago. She is no celebrity with a gaggle of home helpers and personal trainers to get her back in shape, she is just a normal woman struggling with two small children, and her husband, the one who supposedly has her back, is putting her down over her looks. Raising children is hard work, the sacrifice is huge, so why even bother if your man only cares about how you look? There's women with one, two, three kids who aren't "celebrities" - who care about their appearance. I, now/then, see pregnant women and/or women dropping off kids at the gym's daycare as they work out. Shoot, some fathers even bring over their kids and drop them off at the gym daycare and go workout (or bring the kid along for the workout). I've seen videos where women incorporate playing with their kids and doing pullups. Shoot, I'd even strap my kiddo on my back and do lawnwork if it boiled down to that. African women strap on their kids on their back and work the fields.... Mind you, I said forget the weight and asked the OP when was the last time her and husband went out on a "date nite" and no response. Oh yea, how is not keeping up your appearance not considered "abuse" and "neglect" to your husband? If you're gonna let your marriage go to the wasteside after having kids - then maybe people shouldn't have kids or plan how many kids they can manage. I don't have kids, yet, between Mum, relatives, my job, chores, volunteering, pets, etc. - I wouldn't be having a trailboat of kids if it was gonna make me too tired/wasted to tend to my man.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 If you're gonna let your marriage go to the wasteside after having kids She hasn't let her marriage go, she has just put on a bit of weight after having kids, a bit of weight that is not all that easy to shift in some women. Also pregnancy may alter a woman's general body shape, she is no longer the nubile young thing he met. She is also 4 years older and under stress, looking after two very young children and that will show on her face too.
Gloria25 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 (edited) She hasn't let her marriage go, she has just put on a bit of weight after having kids, a bit of weight that is not all that easy to shift in some women. Also pregnancy may alter a woman's general body shape, she is no longer the nubile young thing he met. She is also 4 years older and under stress, looking after two very young children and that will show on her face too. We're making a lot of assumptions here - that this has to do with her weight. Again, when husband said "pretty" maybe it's cuz she doesn't doll up for him anymore and/or make time for "them" anymore. "Pretty" doesn't necessarily have to do with weight. I was going out with a divorced guy. Per him, his ex was a monster and she cheated on him. He sat there and as pondering whether or not he should have their kids do something for her for Mother's Day. I told him to push past the problems between him and the ex and have the kids do something for her, cuz not good to sour the kid's relationship with their mom - and, he did admit that she loved the kids (IMO, if she loved her kids she wouldn't have done the horrible things she did - but I didn't tell him that). So, you treat someone bad enough, and they no longer remember your birthday, anniversaries, etc. and start seeing you as "not-pretty". Edited December 11, 2016 by Gloria25
William Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 Folks, I moved this to MLP since this is a marital issue and will advise the starter posted this then logged off and hasn't returned to engage so add content to the topic with that in mind. Thanks!
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