NotLookingBack1 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 (edited) Backstory: We were friends for a couple years before we started dating, we've only been together 4 months as a couple, but I held a candle for him for much longer before we actually dated. It's an LDR where we see each other in person once a month or more. We're both working professionals in our mid twenties, a few years out of college. I have more dating/relationship experiences than he has. He is good to me, I am happy, and it's by far the best relationship I've ever had. But something is slowly starting to grate on me. I knew I loved him and knew women aren't suppose to say it first. And I've dated my share of men, and never said it. So I tried to hide it, hold it in, and eventually it came out. He didn't say it back. That was a couple months ago. I tell him (and myself) it's okay if he doesn't feel it, or say it back--I would rather him NEVER say it than lie to me and just say it back. He's told me it initially made him uncomfortable to hear. So in the last few weeks, I've been trying to do my best to stop saying it, at all. What frustrates me is there's times when I need reassuring in the relationship, and I don't know what other phrase he can reassure me everything is okay. He told me last night while we were talking about it, that he talked to one of his brothers about this, and his brother told him that his wife and him didn't say "I love you" until they'd been dating exclusively for two years. Two years. Call me crazy but why would you be in a relationship with someone for two years if you didn't love them?! I feel like life is too short and your youth (especially as a woman) is too fleeting. But he's using his brother as a metric of comparison for how it SHOULD be. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking, I'm just wanting to hear that my feelings about not hearing it back and knowing he doesn't love me are normal, and how long someone should wait before deciding they're never going to love you and moving on. Additionally, because this is long distance and can't permanently stay long distance, it has the potential of me relocating eventually, and how do you even talk about doing that if your partner doesn't love you? Edited December 9, 2016 by NotLookingBack1 1
Lorenza Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You've been together for 4 months and you told him you love him a couple of months ago. That does feel a bit early to say it, especially for a LDR. Even if you were friends before, you know very little of each other as lovers. What worries me though is the story with his brother. Seems like he's making excuses already for not saying it. 4
Erik30 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You're more into him, than he's into you at this point. You've only been together for four months, and you've told him you loved him "a couple of months ago..." So you must have said it really early on which might have scared him off a bit, especially since it's long distance. 1
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Tell him his brother's experience doesn't equate normal, and shouldn't be using him as a yard stick to measure when things should happen. Explain to him feelings, emotional connecting and mutual experience should come naturally and it's ok to express how you feel whenever you feel it. IMO I wouldn't put up with it. With my experience you both should be on the same page, going at the same pace, exploding with feelings, having that spark of passion and excitement. If it's not happening, then you are missing out on a lot and the relationship will be out of balance unable to progress. PLUS it's a compatibility issue...if you both can't enjoy the experience together, it only leaves you empty and sad. 3
eightytwenty Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Even though you've known him for awhile. Dating wise 2 months is pretty quick, and I wouldn't be saying it at all, if he can't say it back. Might be that he thinks its all too quick. I was mad MAD in love with my fiancé but I held off saying it till 6 months, and he did say it back that time, but I didn't say it first again until he said it on his own. Some guys slowly work their way into saying it. I would stop saying it completely until he does, some guys it takes away for them to openly admit their feelings. Just back off a bit, and it'll come if he really wants this relationship to progress 1
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 Agreed, and that's what makes me so embarrassed I said it. But conversely...why be exclusive with someone, if they can't see themselves ever loving you or being IN love with you? It's also a really strange sensation to feel like I should be embarrassed for feeling what I feel, you know? We're both very independent personalities. And he self admittedly "moves slower" than I do. Which is great most of the time. I'm independent, have my own job, enough hobbies to have a full life, am working on a graduate degree and taking classes while also working. I also feel like I'm a very low maintenance girlfriend--I don't expect him to call me every day, we don't skype often, and sometimes I don't even get a text from him til 8 o'clock at night (in fact, this seems to be the new norm for the most part). I'm not demanding. I'm supportive. But there's some things that because it's an LDR, I need reassurance with. When I don't hear from him all day, but don't want to bother him--it would help to know he's not fading away. When I hear he spent half his afternoon helping his female coworker move into her new place--it would make me feel better and more solidified, since im not there to have him reassure me with his actions in person, that there was at least some way he could verbally quantify that I matter, he's not fading away, and he's not cheating on me. 1
Satu Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 He hasn't said that he loves you, but is that absolute proof that he doesn't love you? People say it all the time, but it doesn't necessarily mean much. For me, there is nothing stronger to say, because when I say it, it means that I WOULD throw myself in front of a gun to take a bullet meant for you. Definitely, without any hesitation. I don't say that to many people, but when I do, it's bankable. ymmv Take care. 2
BaileyB Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You are getting way too far ahead of yourself... If you want to say "I love you" early in a relationship, that's your choice. But, you are four months into a long distance relationship where you see each other once or twice a month. I mean, really - think about that! So, he hasn't told you he loves you... Maybe he does, and maybe he doesn't. Who knows - it's only been a few months! You are making a HUGE assumption if you think that because he hasn't said the words that he doesn't love you. Give the boy some time! If you need reassurance in the relationship, that your problem to deal with, not his. You need to get a handle on your anxiety, or it will destroy this relationship. 3
kismetkismet Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Four months is pretty early in if you don't spend very much time together. that really slows down the progression of intimacy because you don't get to know each other as quickly and aren't as much a part of each others lives. I know you knew each other before, but you still can't really... see how you are together as easily, they don't take up as much 'space' in your life. I'd give it a bit more time. Most relationships I've been in it was around 4 months that we said it, but that was spending 4-5 nights a week together. My fiancé and I said it after one month, but that was very unusual for me. The guy I dated before him however, took a YEAR to say it to me. I loved him after 8 months or so, but there was always something.. reserved about him that made me uncomfortable trying to move things forward. In the end that turned out to be part of a larger emotional-barrier issue and I broke up with him because he couldn't bring down his walls and didn't want the same things as me.. So.. my advice is wait a bit longer, spend more time together. But don't wait forever. Every person, or relationship is different, but I feel like love should have developed by 6 or 8 months.. or else what are you doing spending all this time on someone you're so unsure of? it's not a science of course.. but that's my experience. Pay attention to your gut, if it still feels like part of a larger issue after a while it probably is. 1
mikeylo Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 It's possible that he doesn't feel it. Many times people believe that since they have been friends , they will make a great couple but doesn't work all the time. While it has worked for you , it hasn't for him. Don't force the issue. Give some more time and if he doesn't come around , don't hold it against him and move on. 2
Satu Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Here's a line from my journals: "Being in love seems much, but is little. The slow discipline of love seems little, but is much." Take care.
whatwhit Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 I just got out of a relationship that seems a little similar to yours. I told my now ex I loved him early like you he said it back, but then took it back. Found out that he only said it because he felt pressured. So, we stopped talking about it. 2 years is not the normal - most people say it within the 4 month to 6 month mark. My ex boyfriend not saying he loved me hit me at the core. And the truth is you're never going to feel secure in the relationship until you're on the same page emotionally. And you'll search for things in your relationship to make you feel secure and it will drive you insane because it's not enough. My ex never said he loved me and eventually told me he would not get to that point. I think if your boyfriend hasn't figured out his feelings by now he's probably not going to. Especially since he knows how important it is to you. They won't be able to grow naturally due to the expectation. 1
JoeSmith357-1 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 I don't understand the mindset of "4 months is too soon to say I love you"... Yeah, this is an LDR, so it's a little different, but still. You can build those bonds through non-physical contact. If the dude's not ready, it's your choice as to move on or not, I think if you think theres something there, give it more time 1
OnlyHonesty Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Maybe you need to start focusing on what is shown, rather than what is said. Words can be cheap but actions are what really matters. Your focus on those three words can end up diminishing the love that is being shown. Have you any idea how many women are in relationships where the man tells them what they want to hear but then nothing is shown? You both need to stop comparing timing to norms or things to others. That is a fools errand. Most of the problems here are simply due to your ego and expectations you've got from others. 2
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