Girlfriend keeps trying to 'test' whether i am controlling or not.

[alpo]

Watch out with this one...She has kids right and obviously one of the men she was with got her those kids.

 

So what your telling me sounds wishy-washy to me. Sounds like her feelings are all over the place.

 

Once she gets used to you... I bet naturally she will try to put you thru the ringer.

 

 

 

 

this is RED flag.. true or not...

 

Yeah she has kids and so do i. The guy she had the kids with was her longest relationship at nearly 10 years. He still sees his kids but is married to someone else for years now. She just keeps contact with him for their sake, which i don't have a problem with because i have kids too so i know how it works when both parents have an involvement in the kids lives.

[Ruby Slippers]

Said she has thoughts that she's not good enough for me and it makes her cry when she's alone.

 

So does this mean she is purposely trying to sabotage it because she's scared of commitment or thinks she's not good enough for me? If so, why do it in this way? I don't get jealous and possessive about the same stuff as her ex did and she knows that by now, so why continue? I'm just not seeing the correlation here.

I think the core issue here is that she's insecure and feels you're out of her league and could do better than her. So yes, I think this is a subconscious sabotage underway. She was only "afraid of commitment" with the other guys because they were unattractive guys good enough to fill the void for the time being but not good enough for a real investment.

 

I think the only thing you can do is reassure her that you care/love her and want to be with her. I definitely don't think it's a good idea to fake-feed her ego by responding to her ploys for attention through your jealousy. I think her threatened little ego is hoping you'll go caveman because that will prove you care about her. But only a weak man would do that. A strong man isn't threatened by much, and would just walk if she stepped out on him.

 

Most women want and need a strong, self-assured man. The problem is they're not so easy to find. After all the emotional wringers she's put herself through, she sounds kind of volatile. You'll serve yourself and the situation best by remaining strong, while also being compassionate.

[OatsAndHall]

She's pushing the boundaries of the relationship in a serious way, whether she is testing you or not. I find this kind of behavior to be insufferable and I don't put up with it. It really is a strong indication that this woman probably doesn't have her sh-t together and I would be wary of dating her.

 

And, I agree with those that have stated they don't like it when current significant others bring up their past relationship. You have to remember, there are two sides to every story. And, you're only hearing one side of it and that happens to be the "victim's side". I had a girlfriend once talk continually about how abusive her alcoholic ex was and tried to rationalize some bad behavior because of it. But, I found out that she was out drinking with him all of the time before they split when her and I broke up. So, again, you're getting one side, she's playing "victim" and using it as an excuse to be manipulative. It's kind of funny how she talks about how controlling her ex was but her behavior is just as controlling, just in a passive aggressive manner.

[Gaeta]

And this woman is 35.....

 

You know some people can become adults, hold a job, raise kids, and still remain emotionally immature and never grow past the age of 14 emotionally.

[alpo]

tell her you are sleeping over when her friend sleeps over.

That should give her a healthy dose of you being jealous and you being able to meet her guy friend.

 

if she don't like that idea joking ask her "why? you planing on banging him?"

if she says no then tell her cool, you'll be by for dinner.

 

She will either finally be satisfied or dump you.

from the sound of things its a win/win.

 

I forgot to reply to this. I've already met the guy friend that stays over every now and then. He's bisexual and she said he basically just sits there most the night telling her about some girl he's seeing or how some girl that likes him won't stop messaging him etc. She called him something like her male tampon or a male girl? who she can have gossipy chats with and considers him more like family than a friend or romantic interest. They have known each other for nearly 12 years.

 

When it comes to the male friends she has i haven't really thought that much into it because she is so honest about it. She tells me every detail about every friend (male and female) that she has. She even tells me which ones have wanted more than friendship with her years and years back which she turned them down and they moved on with their life but she still has them as friends.

 

To me she just seems very personable and she admits that half her relationships ended on good terms and she'll speak to the guys every so often when she sees them because there are no hard feelings there. She just didn't have those kind of loving feelings for them, but they still remain friends of the family or whatever. It was mainly just her last relationship with the controlling guy that ended really bad (according to her).

 

Same thing with me. Most of my relationships ended on good terms and i'll still speak to the ex's as friends but i don't have any romantic attachment for them.

[alpo]

I think the core issue here is that she's insecure and feels you're out of her league and could do better than her. So yes, I think this is a subconscious sabotage underway. She was only "afraid of commitment" with the other guys because they were unattractive guys good enough to fill the void for the time being but not good enough for a real investment.

 

I think the only thing you can do is reassure her that you care/love her and want to be with her. I definitely don't think it's a good idea to fake-feed her ego by responding to her ploys for attention through your jealousy. I think her threatened little ego is hoping you'll go caveman because that will prove you care about her. But only a weak man would do that. A strong man isn't threatened by much, and would just walk if she stepped out on him.

 

Most women want and need a strong, self-assured man. The problem is they're not so easy to find. After all the emotional wringers she's put herself through, she sounds kind of volatile. You'll serve yourself and the situation best by remaining strong, while also being compassionate.

 

Sometimes she tells me stuff that i feel she is purposely trying to put me off her or drive me away. Like if her kids are acting up she'll make sure i can hear it loud on clear on the other end of the phone and then she'll keep saying "are you sure are you sure you want to get involved my kids are crazy" i mean i have 2 kids myself and have parented them practically by myself as a single dad at times! I am no stranger to dealing with kids. Yet she says things like "I didn't think you'd want a relationship with me because my kids are nuts" they have messed up relationships for her before etc etc

 

And then almost straight away she'll get back on the phone apologizing and saying "I'm sorry for that you didn't need to hear my stupid kids playing up" I'm sorry if i offended or upset you et cetera

 

Constantly doing things like this makes me feel like she is not into me or wants to drive me away but in a nice kind of way without me getting hurt. I mean it makes me thing that she is not into me when she does this, but yet her follow up is always to basically get on her knees and apologize for it, and i think to myself well if she didn't like me and wanted me to leave she wouldn't keep coming back and apologizing.

[Gaeta]

On top of it all her kids are out of control, and she calls them 'stupid'....Really? Is that the type of woman you want around? I would never date a man that calls his children stupid, not in a million years. Even if he didn't do it in front of them, noway!

 

C'mon OP, you sound like a guy that has it together, what the heck do you see in this woman!

[alpo]

On top of it all her kids are out of control, and she calls them 'stupid'....Really? Is that the type of woman you want around? I would never date a man that calls his children stupid, not in a million years. Even if he didn't do it in front of them, noway!

 

C'mon OP, you sound like a guy that has it together, what the heck do you see in this woman!

 

Well she calls the kids dickheads, little ****s, etc lots of stuff but i can see she is a good parent and loves them properly. I have also sworn about my kids before too when i was angry or i lost my temper. I never thought much about it. She is not abusive towards them and she knows how to deal with kids. I know how stressful and hard parenting is and she's done her best bringing them up alone.

 

Because the mother of my kids was pretty much useless! And then a strong woman with good parenting skills and life experience comes along and i find i am deeply into her. She is good with housework and keeping the house clean etc which is also something my ex's would never do. They were happy to live in pig stys and never clean the house. She is not like this at all. She has pride.

 

Another thing i like about her is she takes no crap from anyone. She stands up to everyone and fights for her rights unlike all my exes who would never answer anyone back or stand up for themselves. They just expected me to do it for them.

 

Another thing is we are the same age, same life experience and some similar family background (both had absent fathers etc) we just have a lot in common in the way we see the world.

 

Also she has drive and motivation which my exes did not, They were happy to just be single parents on welfare with no ambition. This one has career goals, she is determined to get in shape and shed her belly fat instead of just complaining about these things she takes active steps to DO them unlike with my exes who i would always have to do it for.

 

I mean the mother of my kids was even incapable of making a damn phone call to sort out a debt! She just would sit on the sofa saying "i'll do it tomorrow" and tell me to F off, where as this woman is so much more independent and forward - which i like.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you love her? I get the impression that you do because of the way you passionately defend the relationship more than point out what's not working. If you love her, I think all this is stuff you can work with. If not, I'd say there's not much point.

 

If you love her and want to invest, I think the key is to reassure her of your love for her and intention to stay with her. When she exposes you to the ugly or messy parts of her life, that's because she wants to make sure you accept them - because if you don't, it's not going to work.

 

If you want to be with her, let her know with love and humor that you accept these foibles. When she talks about her crazy kids, that would be a great time for a little humor. All kinds can be crazy at times. The parent either amplifies or diffuses the situation. I get the impression she's amplifying because of her own fears and insecurities.

 

She is lucky, being a single mother with her issues, to be with someone like you, someone she's very attracted to and feels lucky to be with. If you continue to be that strong, dependable, loving guy for her, reassuring her that you're all in, I think you'll be fine.

 

By the way, the 6-month or so mark is a common marker for when couples contemplate and then choose whether to go deeper or not. Make your choice - in or out. Make your choice crystal clear to her, and you'll see some forward momentum.

[alpo]

Do you love her? I get the impression that you do because of the way you passionately defend the relationship more than point out what's not working. If you love her, I think all this is stuff you can work with. If not, I'd say there's not much point.

 

If you love her and want to invest, I think the key is to reassure her of your love for her and intention to stay with her. When she exposes you to the ugly or messy parts of her life, that's because she wants to make sure you accept them - because if you don't, it's not going to work.

 

If you want to be with her, let her know with love and humor that you accept these foibles. When she talks about her crazy kids, that would be a great time for a little humor. All kinds can be crazy at times. The parent either amplifies or diffuses the situation. I get the impression she's amplifying because of her own fears and insecurities.

 

She is lucky, being a single mother with her issues, to be with someone like you, someone she's very attracted to and feels lucky to be with. If you continue to be that strong, dependable, loving guy for her, reassuring her that you're all in, I think you'll be fine.

 

By the way, the 6-month or so mark is a common marker for when couples contemplate and then choose whether to go deeper or not. Make your choice - in or out. Make your choice crystal clear to her, and you'll see some forward momentum.

 

I do have VERY strong feelings for her yes, stronger than any woman before. I have not explicitly told her that i love her though as i have read before both on this forum and elsewhere that telling a woman you love them when you haven't even known them that long (under a year) can send them running for hills because they might think the guy is strange or creepy or whatever - "How can you love me when you barely even know me" That sort of thing. I've known women to do that.

 

It's just the constant reassurance she needs that i care that gets on my nerves sometimes. She seems to take it personally i think too if i don't like a pic she posts on social media straight after a phone call. I feel like I HAVE to like pic even though it details something we've already just covered on the phone call. She won't directly come out and show any emotion about it or ask me why i didn't like it, but i can sense from her vibe that she's disappointed about it. She is never confrontational or OPENLY angry with me about anything but normally i can tell from her vibe and actions when she's being funny about something.

[Redhead14]

Testing in and of itself is about control . . . she's the one trying to control you. It's called MANIPULATION.

[umirano]

She sounds like a train wreck. And you should reevaluate how you talk to yourself about your own kids. Language shapes our thinking and vice versa. It's not ok to devalue kids like this. Everyone can lose their temper. But such negative talk about kids as a regular thing really rubs me the wrong way.

[DKT3]

Usually dysfunctional relationship are do to dysfunctional people. Your girl is dysfunctional, in turn she will systematically turn this relationship into a dysfunctional one. You seem more healthy emotionally so you recognize something is off.

 

Honestly, at 35 this appear to be who she is, really your choice is deal with it or not. Barring some serious introspection likely with professional help she won't change. She may adjust but the basic dynamic will remain the same.

[elaine567]

One thing is she has openly admitted to me a few times that she has only been in lots of temporary relationships since she and the kids father split (this was like nearly 10 years ago) and she said when she starts to fall too deep or get too close she pulls away. She's afraid of commitment.

 

I may be wrong but I think you are just another "temporary" relationship to her.

You think that because you are so "superior" to her other men, that this relationship MUST be a lot more "serious" than perhaps it is.

She blows hot and cold on you and that is never a good sign.

She is, I guess, luke-warm about you, and you are covering up the problems in this relationship with excuses for her behaviour. I guess the sex is good.

 

You say she is very focused and motivated with goals.

I guess it suits her and her kids to have you around "at the moment".

but when it doesn't suit, expect to be be run off the property and be disparaged to your replacement (like she disparaged the rest of her exes to you).

 

I hope I am wrong, for your sake.

[alpo]

I may be wrong but I think you are just another "temporary" relationship to her.

You think that because you are so "superior" to her other men, that this relationship MUST be a lot more "serious" than perhaps it is.

She blows hot and cold on you and that is never a good sign.

She is, I guess, luke-warm about you, and you are covering up the problems in this relationship with excuses for her behaviour. I guess the sex is good.

 

You say she is very focused and motivated with goals.

I guess it suits her and her kids to have you around "at the moment".

but when it doesn't suit, expect to be be run off the property and be disparaged to your replacement (like she disparaged the rest of her exes to you).

 

I hope I am wrong, for your sake.

 

Well yeah i have thought this many times believe me, and also prepared for it too. I have confronted her about it more than once when she went hot and cold. I walked away at one point and deleted her from facebook. She said the reason she 'shuts down' and ignores everyone for a while or goes cold on them is because of her mental breakdown which causes her head to blow and she shuts off. Said she accepts it's selfish but that's the way she deals with her breakdowns. She has prescribed medication but doesn't take it. She asked me should she take it i said i don't know if you feel you need it but if it was me personally i wouldn't take the stuff.

 

I see women on the internet all the time writing things like "Sometimes i shut off from everyone for a while it's nothing personal" I see women on facebook writing stuff like that all the time. So i didn't see it as something exclusive to her.

 

Also it's HER that keeps implying i am somehow special compared to these other guys she's chewed up and spat out. She is the one the keeps insinuating and even openly saying it.

 

And if it suits her to have me around and is just using me then why does she try to put me off her or push me away? It doesn't make sense.

[smackie9]

So that would explain her behavior...hot/cold/seeking attention/low self worth, lacks coping skills, short relationships, etc.....she suffers from depression. She needs to take responsibility and get proper medical help/therapy. And shame on you for telling her not to take the prescribed medication...that can have disastrous affects because you are interrupting her therapy. IF she is having issues with the medication, she just has to go back to the doctor to get it adjusted or try a different drug....possibly prescribe counseling/therapy. You are not helping things.

[Gaeta]

So her doctor judged she needs to be medicated for her own good and for the good of those around her like her children and you suggest her she should NOT take the medicine????? Who are you to jeapordize her mental health like this? What do yoy need to undersrand the seriousness of the situation? When you see her on the 6 o'click news for drowning her kids in the tub it will be too late.

 

You are not helping this woman.

[alpo]

Well i don't blindly trust in doctors and i have my own views on big pharma/medications, etc. But anyway I encourage her with natural medicines and therapies. And i didn't tell her NOT to take the medication i just said that personally i have my own reservations about this stuff. But I told her it's her own choice and that if she feels she needs it she should take it. She said anyway that she doesn't want to take them off her own back because they make her feel worse and just make her sleep all the time. We just discussed this it wasn't like i was making a stand and saying DO NOT take them under any circumstances.

 

But i didn't know that depression has any correlation with the short relationships thing. I mean i know plenty of people with depression who have been with the same partner or even married for years and years. Majority of single people i see with it are always miserable and don't bother/have time or motivation for relationships, never mind hopping from one dude to another, but i dunno i guess everyone is affected differently.

[Sweetfish]

Well i don't blindly trust in doctors and i have my own views on big pharma/medications, etc. But anyway I encourage her with natural medicines and therapies. And i didn't tell her NOT to take the medication i just said that personally i have my own reservations about this stuff. But I told her it's her own choice and that if she feels she needs it she should take it. She said anyway that she doesn't want to take them off her own back because they make her feel worse and just make her sleep all the time. We just discussed this it wasn't like i was making a stand and saying DO NOT take them under any circumstances.

 

But i didn't know that depression has any correlation with the short relationships thing. I mean i know plenty of people with depression who have been with the same partner or even married for years and years. Majority of single people i see with it are always miserable and don't bother/have time or motivation for relationships, never mind hopping from one dude to another, but i dunno i guess everyone is affected differently.

 

 

Wait what?

 

And don't you think her being on meds should have been stated originally.

[Ruby Slippers]

Given that you can't say you love her after 6-7 months together and you're bothered by how much reassurance she needs, I don't think this relationship has very good staying power. I get the impression that you care about her, but deep down know her issues are too much for you to live with long-term. These hot & cold, push & pull, break up & get back together relationships usually just keep following those cycles.

[umirano]

So your Internet smarts about "doctors and big pharma" justify your meddling with her taking her prescription medication? You also should leave her for her health.

[smackie9]

Depression comes in different forms/different levels and can hide other underlying mental or physical issues. She might have ADHD, bi-polar, Aspberger Syndrom, anxiety, etc But what is boils down to is coping, or lack of coping skills. We have had many threads on how intolerable someone who is bi-polar or has BPD is to deal with...that they are in and out of relationships because of the hot/cold or erratic behavior.

 

I agree that sometimes a change in diet and exercise can reduce symptoms, but when it comes to a chemical imbalance natural remedies don't have much effect. Self diagnosing and medicating is dangerous. It is something that needs to be maintained for life....a method or medication can lose effect and a change is needed to be made....this is what taking responsibility for the disease is all about.

[alpo]

Thank you for all the replies and advice. I think at this point i am just going to continue to keep a wide berth from her. I have been very careful not to get too emotionally attached to her simply because of the things she has told me about her past relationships. My guard has been up about the short relationship thing the whole time. I am a guy that likes women but i don't have that much interest in short hook ups and sleeping around anymore like when i was younger. Now I like stability and long term, especially with kids involved. Casual sex is just nothing special or important to me.

 

However she always insists that these past guys were nothing special, she sees them as weak and like walkovers and so she could discard them with ease because she felt superior to them.. But how do i know she won't say the same thing about me further down the line?

 

The problem is that as soon as i separate myself from her somewhat and just let her get on with her own thing she always comes back. Always. And given that i like her company we pick up where we left off before.

[PegNosePete]

However she always insists that these past guys were nothing special, she sees them as weak and like walkovers and so she could discard them with ease because she felt superior to them.. But how do i know she won't say the same thing about me further down the line?

I would bet real world money that she will.

 

She has some serious issues and is nowhere near the right place for a serious relationship. You would be wise to cut the cord now, and find someone more emotionally stable.

 

The problem is that as soon as i separate myself from her somewhat and just let her get on with her own thing she always comes back. Always.

Why is that a problem? She can only come back into your life if you let her. All you need to do to avoid this "problem" is to keep your door shut, your facebook block active, and your phone unanswered. Simples.