She asked for space

[Austinhat]

I've been talking to this girl for about 3 months. We were both crazy about each other and even though she lived about 2 hours away I'd come see her almost every weekend. She deals with some depression and anxiety issues and about 2 months in this led to a slight decline in the relationship. I decided to stick things through because I really care about her and see myself with her. About a week ago she went to the club with a friend of hers and saw her ex whom she had not spoken to for 4-5 months prior to me and her linking up. The night after, she informed me of this happening and said she didn't want to get back together with him and put herself through that. However, a few days after she told me that he was still contacting her and stuff. She told me that between this, stress from trying to graduate this semester and being confused as to what she wanted in life she asked me for space until after graduation (this Saturday). Since then (last Friday) she's texted me twice and we had a short convo and I've texted her once or twice just to see how she was doing. She still views all of my Snapchat stories and likes the pictures I post in instagram.

 

This is really hard for me. I'm trying to be strong and show that her ex doesn't make me feel insecure about myself and show that I'm not desperate or clingy. However I constantly feel the need to remind her that I'm still interested and I'm still here. I was supposed to be at her graduation I've met all of her family and most of her friends, which makes this hurt even more because I'm supposed to be there by her side and instead I have to sit here and wait to see if she still even wants to be with me. This week has been hell and is causing my anxiety to flare up to the point where I can't sleep. It's more so me sitting and waiting and not knowing what's going to happen.

 

The good thing is that there is an established timeline. After graduation this Saturday. But I'm scared I'll never hear from her again. And I'm not sure if I should text her to congratulate her on graduating on Saturday or not.

 

Any advice or comfort from anyone would be greatly appreciated

Edited December 9, 2016 by Austinhat
Grammar

[Jimmyjackson]

Sounds to me she's seen her ex out or whatever and old feelings have re-emerged, most likely been texting him all week or whatever.

 

If I were you I'd just not say a word, if she wants to get in touch she has your number. I don't see this ending well for you mind...

[PegNosePete]

I've been talking to this girl for about 3 months.

You've been talking for about 3 months, how long have you been dating / exclusive? After 3 months you should be well and truly in the honeymoon period. She already asked for "space".... that is usually a sign that the relationship is over.

 

Although as you say she only wants space until this Saturday, I guess you could stick it out for 24 hours more. Don't contact her at all (she asked for space after all! Give it to her!). But if she's not 100% committed to making the relationship work after that, then time to move on.

 

If you do choose to give her another chance then I think you're going to find there are more and more issues like this, with this girl. If you choose to continue a relationship after Saturday then I think you'll find yourself back here with very similar issues further down the line. Personally I think she has shown that she's not good relationship material and if you're looking for a happy, drama-free relationship then you should move on.

[Austinhat]

Thanks I hope it does end well but history says it doesn't

[Austinhat]

If it is over I just want her to tell me now so I can move one you know? Like she's got to have an idea by now whether or not she's going to stay with him or end things with me. Don't drag this out until Saturday/ Sunday and leave me hanging

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Jimmyjackson, seeing her ex has stirred up old feelings and they're now in contact. Not good. If seeing her ex was enough to trigger her to need space, she's not over him yet.

 

I would not contact her at all and I would also be prepared to end this. As PegNosePete rightly asked, why only "talking" after 3 months? Perhaps things weren't going as well as they seemed. She did the right thing telling you the truth about having doubts, but you deserve a girl who doesn't come with unresolved ex issues, OP.

[Jimmyjackson]

When you say 'talking', what exactly has been your level of involvement with this girl?

[Austinhat]

Dates, seeing each other regularly, meeting family members. It wasn't too long before this would have been official

[PegNosePete]

If it is over I just want her to tell me now so I can move one you know? Like she's got to have an idea by now whether or not she's going to stay with him or end things with me. Don't drag this out until Saturday/ Sunday and leave me hanging

Dude she's keeping you on the backup. She wants "space" to see if things are going to work out with him. If things work out with him then she will let you go, probably with some excuse rather than the truth. But if things don't work out with him then she still has you to fall back on, she will say thanks for the space lets continue our relationship where we left off.

[Austinhat]

Damn, so that's why she keeps liking all my posts on social media then

[Jimmyjackson]

Damn, so that's why she keeps liking all my posts on social media then

 

Wouldn't read too much into social media personally, she might just actually 'like' the posts. The girl I was seeing for three months who ended things; liked one of my posts last week...don't think it means anything.

[Redhead14]

I've been talking to this girl for about 3 months. We were both crazy about each other and even though she lived about 2 hours away I'd come see her almost every weekend. She deals with some depression and anxiety issues and about 2 months in this led to a slight decline in the relationship. I decided to stick things through because I really care about her and see myself with her. About a week ago she went to the club with a friend of hers and saw her ex whom she had not spoken to for 4-5 months prior to me and her linking up. The night after, she informed me of this happening and said she didn't want to get back together with him and put herself through that. However, a few days after she told me that he was still contacting her and stuff. She told me that between this, stress from trying to graduate this semester and being confused as to what she wanted in life she asked me for space until after graduation (this Saturday). Since then (last Friday) she's texted me twice and we had a short convo and I've texted her once or twice just to see how she was doing. She still views all of my Snapchat stories and likes the pictures I post in instagram.

 

This is really hard for me. I'm trying to be strong and show that her ex doesn't make me feel insecure about myself and show that I'm not desperate or clingy. However I constantly feel the need to remind her that I'm still interested and I'm still here. I was supposed to be at her graduation I've met all of her family and most of her friends, which makes this hurt even more because I'm supposed to be there by her side and instead I have to sit here and wait to see if she still even wants to be with me. This week has been hell and is causing my anxiety to flare up to the point where I can't sleep. It's more so me sitting and waiting and not knowing what's going to happen.

 

The good thing is that there is an established timeline. After graduation this Saturday. But I'm scared I'll never hear from her again. And I'm not sure if I should text her to congratulate her on graduating on Saturday or not.

 

Any advice or comfort from anyone would be greatly appreciated

 

I'm supposed to be there by her side -- Only if she wants that.

 

instead I have to sit here and wait to see if she still even wants to be with me -- No you don't have to sit there waiting. You continue to live your life. I don't sit around waiting for someone else to decide what happens with MY life.

 

You feel the need to reach out, etc., because you want to feel like you have some control over all this. The fact is, you don't. So take that pressure off of yourself. She needs to do what she needs to do and pulling her will only cause her to pull away more. You stay centered and focused.

 

When someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may find that they don't have a place to land their aircraft . . .

[Austinhat]

Thanks this really helped

[PegNosePete]

Damn, so that's why she keeps liking all my posts on social media then

Yes, she doesn't want you to forget about her. If things don't work out with her ex then she wants you to be there waiting with her slippers and a hot chocolate.

[LargoLagg]

Did you have plans to go to her graduation, or you hadn't talked about it and now the expectation is that you shouldn't?

 

Graduation is a big deal, a celebration of an accomplishment. If she doesn't want you to be there, that is a big deal too. I wonder if Mr. X will be there.

 

It's funny, right? You don't want to act all clingy, because you know that's the kiss of death, yet, that's exactly what you are feeling - clingy and pathetic. I know how it goes.

 

Here's how you find out if you're the backup plan, or on the way out the door. Today's Friday, tomorrow's graduation.

 

Send a text to congratulate her on her graduation. Be sure to wish her best of luck in the future. Next, disrupt the timeline. Let her know that you and a friend are going out of town for the weekend and you won't have good phone service (skiing, fishing, whatever lie you want to tell). If you can, you should go, and that way you'll have Snapchat stories to show. If not, stay off of Snapchat and other social media. It won't kill you. Close by telling her you'll call her in a couple of weeks after you return.

 

Yes, I know that's a little contradictory. It is intended to sow confusion and raise questions in her mind. Also, DO NOT get her a graduation gift. If you've already gotten one, either take it back or give it to yourself.

 

Her responses, now, during and for those two weeks or so after the weekend will tell you everything you need to know about where you stand. Don't engage too early. Don't answer a bunch of questions. Tell her you guys can talk later. Keep up the pretense, even if she seems to be getting angry. See this thing through. Never forget - SHE asked for space. SHE didn't want you at her graduation. SHE is the one who is confused by her ex.

 

Or, you could just skip all this and dump her now.

Edited December 9, 2016 by LargoLagg

[Redhead14]

If it is over I just want her to tell me now so I can move one you know? Like she's got to have an idea by now whether or not she's going to stay with him or end things with me. Don't drag this out until Saturday/ Sunday and leave me hanging

 

Take the control away from her then. End it yourself. Do you really want to be someone's second guess/choice? If it were me, I'd call her and wish her well and tell her YOU are moving on. You are anyway, aren't you, you're seeing someone new already? That's says a lot . . .

[LargoLagg]

Take the control away from her then. End it yourself. Do you really want to be someone's second guess/choice? If it were me, I'd call her and wish her well and tell her YOU are moving on. You are anyway, aren't you, you're seeing someone new already? That's says a lot . . .

Yeah, and you know, that reminds me. Stop wasting your time with one girl at a time. It's so inefficient! Date around, have fun. If you had a couple other girlfriends, this would not seem to be nearly the big deal it does right now. You'd just rotate her out, and find another one to fill the slot.

 

I'm not sure if that's what Redhead14 would want for you, but that is exactly what you should do for yourself.

[Austinhat]

She posted a picture of her and her ex at the club last night on Snapchat. This morning I sent her a message via text and via Snapchat calmly asking if they got back together. No response. She opened the Snapchat message. No response. Yet she's still looking at all the stories I post on Snapchat. Idk why she's ignoring me now. I have her the space she wanted and I had a simple yes or no question. I don't think I did anything wrong. I didn't show to her graduation or the party last night because she said she wanted space. A friend of hers texted me late last night and asked where I was.. and texted me this morning as if nothing happened. I'm so confused. I didn't do anything wrong to get ignored like this. What would make her treat me this way

[OatsAndHall]

I'm not an insecure or jealous guy but this is something that I don't put up with. I won't be "weighed, measured, and found wanting" in these situations. Yes, there's the "feels" part of it where she's "confused" and trying to decipher her feelings. But then there's the reality to it: you're being compared to her ex and dragged along.

 

I may come across as an insensitive a-- here but I stopped jumping through the hoops and playing the games that "emotions" cause. Unfortunately, many people are more geared towards operating solely on "feelings" and that becomes irrational at times. I understand that emotions aren't a black and white issue but the outcomes of the decisions based on those emotions sure as hell are. She needs to remove the "feelings" aspect from it either cut ties with you or the ex. Or BOTH if she's that confused.

 

A such, I would cut ties with her. I'd let her know that I cared about her but that her feelings for her ex were affecting the relationship and that I wouldn't have any part of it. And, I would continue to stay away from her as it appears as though the ex could be a continued problem. I'm sorry to say this but your relationship with her probably isn't that strong if she's pushing you away after running into an ex.

 

Again, this doesn't come from an insecure place. Quite the opposite: I am self-confident enough to know what I want from a relationship. And, this is baggage that I don't want.

Edited December 10, 2016 by OatsAndHall

[ExpatInItaly]

She posted a picture of her and her ex at the club last night on Snapchat. This morning I sent her a message via text and via Snapchat calmly asking if they got back together. No response. She opened the Snapchat message. No response. Yet she's still looking at all the stories I post on Snapchat. Idk why she's ignoring me now. I have her the space she wanted and I had a simple yes or no question. I don't think I did anything wrong. I didn't show to her graduation or the party last night because she said she wanted space. A friend of hers texted me late last night and asked where I was.. and texted me this morning as if nothing happened. I'm so confused. I didn't do anything wrong to get ignored like this. What would make her treat me this way

 

Because she got caught and doesn't want to face the music.

 

Forget about her. She's going to go back to her ex, and this is a very craptastic way to let you know that.

 

Delete her and be grateful you found out now how inconsiderate she is.

[dumbass2]

She posted a picture of her and her ex at the club last night on Snapchat. This morning I sent her a message via text and via Snapchat calmly asking if they got back together. No response. She opened the Snapchat message. No response. Yet she's still looking at all the stories I post on Snapchat. Idk why she's ignoring me now. I have her the space she wanted and I had a simple yes or no question. I don't think I did anything wrong. I didn't show to her graduation or the party last night because she said she wanted space. A friend of hers texted me late last night and asked where I was.. and texted me this morning as if nothing happened. I'm so confused. I didn't do anything wrong to get ignored like this. What would make her treat me this way

 

She is at the stage where she is seeing if another go with her ex is in the works, but doesn't yet want you to totally go away, hence why she will ignore the question or might answer it eventually with a .....no, but I think we all know better than that. Please do not contact her again or put up with her contacting you with a bunch of BS that will be intended to keep you hanging around.

[Austinhat]

Your post is dead on. She replied "We agreed to work on things but no we aren't getting back together". Which tells me al I need to know. I'm done. Deleted her on Social media. I know that may seem childish to some but I'm not going to sit and watch them post pictures together and act like I'm cool with it. Thank you all for your insight and input. It really put things into perspective for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you, OP.

 

You did the right thing deleting her. It's not childish at all. I think she is being extraordinarily insensitive, and there's no place for someone like her in your life.

[lolablue17]

I feel you, man. First, don't be shame to be childish, and don't feel stupid. It's bad luck, that's it. This love game can be really frustrating, it happened to us all and much more than once. you were injured and hurt. It's Ok to feel pain, start moving on, and time will heal you slowly.

 

I'm much older and experienced than you, and if I got this treatment, I would have ended it earlier on my terms. I never! ever! never! ever! let any woman to keep me on hold. My minimum demand for someone to be with me is that she should want me for maximum, with no doubts.