GymClassHero Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 We are a fairly volatile couple, we argue frequently and badly, but also share intense passion and love (Yes one of those rollercoaster relationships). Recently the fights, but more so her behaviour, has been getting me down. She can seem very uncaring and cold. She is obssessed with me (when she is at work she will look at photos of me in her spare time etc, she had a huge crush on me for years before we started dating), when we are drunk she opens up and reveals her true feelings (that she is in awe of me) but it's almost like she is scared to act like that and treat me how she really wants to. I am what most people would describe as ‘alpha’ and I’m wondering if perhaps she is worried if she, in her eyes, gives in to me, I will walk all over her. As a bit of background to her behaviour, near when we first got together I graduated from university so my parents threw a party to which she was invited, but she couldn't attend my ceremony as she was on holiday. I didn't hear from her all day on the day of the party and get a message 45 mins after the party started saying she was waiting for a lift off her mum, whom she had been out all day with. I found this really rude and had a bit of a rant, but rather than apologise she threatened not to come at all. This is a recurring theme, she finds it extremely difficult to apologise until she realises I will walk away, where she will then promise to be more considerate and change. I fall for this every time because I love her and want to believe she will change but it just never happens. She is also very sarcastic. I enjoy a laugh and joke but sometimes it’s nice to be able to say something and not expect a stupid response. Everybody likes banter with their SO but there is also a time when it’s nice to have serious conversation and be nice to eachother. This extends to other things, I am almost cringing if I ask her politely to do me a favour (eg. If she is in the kitchen to grab me a glass of water) because I am fully expectant of her to just say ‘No, get it yourself’. She says she is just fooling about when she does this but it gets very tiring, and IMO it’s nice for your SO to just do little things like that for you sometimes. Anyway I have ranted on long enough, what are you guys’ thoughts on this situation?
Lorenza Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 A relationship should add to our happiness and make us relaxed. Of course, it's impossible to never get irritated, upset or tired of each other, but it's not normal if you constantly feel on edge with your partner. You should be able to find comfort with your SO, not get worn down. Try talking to her first, but if that doesn't work (and it sounds like it won't because you mentioned that she don't know how to listen and apologize) , you have to reconsider if you want to marry this person and keep feeling annoyed and exhausted for the rest of your life. Although I know how hard it can be to walk away even when it's obvious that you should.
BaileyB Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 That sounds like an incredibly inhealthy relationship - with lots of conflict and very poor communication. 1
PinkElephants Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Why did you propose to her? Are you ok with the rest of your life looking like this if she doesn't change? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You two don't sound compatible at all. Ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this. 1
KatZee Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Get married and you'll find yourself in one hell of a divorce. This is unhealthy, unstable, and not any sort of relationship that lasting marriages are made of. The one who is right for you doesn't take you on a Rollercoaster of ups and downs and fighting and passion of that kind. That's just dysfunctional and unfortunately most people confuse this as true passionate love. It's not. The one who's right for you is going to make you feel calm, and at peace. This is just crazy. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 We are a fairly volatile couple, we argue frequently and badly, but also share intense passion and love (Yes one of those rollercoaster relationships). Recently the fights, but more so her behaviour, has been getting me down. She can seem very uncaring and cold. She is obssessed with me (when she is at work she will look at photos of me in her spare time etc, she had a huge crush on me for years before we started dating), when we are drunk she opens up and reveals her true feelings (that she is in awe of me) but it's almost like she is scared to act like that and treat me how she really wants to. I am what most people would describe as ‘alpha’ and I’m wondering if perhaps she is worried if she, in her eyes, gives in to me, I will walk all over her. As a bit of background to her behaviour, near when we first got together I graduated from university so my parents threw a party to which she was invited, but she couldn't attend my ceremony as she was on holiday. I didn't hear from her all day on the day of the party and get a message 45 mins after the party started saying she was waiting for a lift off her mum, whom she had been out all day with. I found this really rude and had a bit of a rant, but rather than apologise she threatened not to come at all. This is a recurring theme, she finds it extremely difficult to apologise until she realises I will walk away, where she will then promise to be more considerate and change. I fall for this every time because I love her and want to believe she will change but it just never happens. She is also very sarcastic. I enjoy a laugh and joke but sometimes it’s nice to be able to say something and not expect a stupid response. Everybody likes banter with their SO but there is also a time when it’s nice to have serious conversation and be nice to eachother. This extends to other things, I am almost cringing if I ask her politely to do me a favour (eg. If she is in the kitchen to grab me a glass of water) because I am fully expectant of her to just say ‘No, get it yourself’. She says she is just fooling about when she does this but it gets very tiring, and IMO it’s nice for your SO to just do little things like that for you sometimes. Anyway I have ranted on long enough, what are you guys’ thoughts on this situation? What you have now is what you will have for the rest of your life if you marry her.
OatsAndHall Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 We are a fairly volatile couple, we argue frequently and badly, but also share intense passion and love (Yes one of those rollercoaster relationships). Recently the fights, but more so her behaviour, has been getting me down. She can seem very uncaring and cold. She is obssessed with me (when she is at work she will look at photos of me in her spare time etc, she had a huge crush on me for years before we started dating), when we are drunk she opens up and reveals her true feelings (that she is in awe of me) but it's almost like she is scared to act like that and treat me how she really wants to. I am what most people would describe as ‘alpha’ and I’m wondering if perhaps she is worried if she, in her eyes, gives in to me, I will walk all over her. As a bit of background to her behaviour, near when we first got together I graduated from university so my parents threw a party to which she was invited, but she couldn't attend my ceremony as she was on holiday. I didn't hear from her all day on the day of the party and get a message 45 mins after the party started saying she was waiting for a lift off her mum, whom she had been out all day with. I found this really rude and had a bit of a rant, but rather than apologise she threatened not to come at all. This is a recurring theme, she finds it extremely difficult to apologise until she realises I will walk away, where she will then promise to be more considerate and change. I fall for this every time because I love her and want to believe she will change but it just never happens. She is also very sarcastic. I enjoy a laugh and joke but sometimes it’s nice to be able to say something and not expect a stupid response. Everybody likes banter with their SO but there is also a time when it’s nice to have serious conversation and be nice to eachother. This extends to other things, I am almost cringing if I ask her politely to do me a favour (eg. If she is in the kitchen to grab me a glass of water) because I am fully expectant of her to just say ‘No, get it yourself’. She says she is just fooling about when she does this but it gets very tiring, and IMO it’s nice for your SO to just do little things like that for you sometimes. Anyway I have ranted on long enough, what are you guys’ thoughts on this situation? Communication, communication, communication... I have been in your shoes. Something turns into an argument and each side ups the anty until it gets very ugly. I struggled in my marriage because of this. One of us would do something that the other took issue with and before you know it, we're both being condescending, rude and making threats. It will get worse unless you two can sit down and have a discussion about communicating properly. You two will be much happier and have a healthy relationship if you can do so. I will be blunt here: you need to reign in the "alpha" personality. You will find that it just leads to behavior that is detrimental to a relationship. She will either "submit" (which isn't healthy) or you'll keep fighting. I am speaking from experience here as my ex-wife always said that she "loved the alpha male" part of me as it kept her "in check". But, she is also a strong-willed, independent woman who was the "alpha" in her previous relationships. I took on that domineering tole and it took a huge toll on me and my marriage. I would call her out on anything that bothered me in the marriage as I felt that was what I was supposed to do in order to maintain "balance", she'd lose her temper and it'd turn into a screaming match (where one side or the other would make threats),we'd both be rude and sarcastic. It'd eventually be resolved (or so I thought) and she'd tell me how thankful she was to have a "voice of reason" in the marriage.. This was vicious cycle and I finally told her that we couldn't keep communicating that way but it didn't do any good.
Recommended Posts