Author Pete2304 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 Advice is advice. It is up to the person who is seeking that advice to weight against their own circumstances and decide whether it is or isn't the way they want to handle a situation. No contact can and should be used by anyone who is leaving a volatile, rollercoaster relationship that is, say, less than 6 months old, especially, IMO because usually what you have in a relationship by that point is as good as it will get. I've read more than one thread where an OP has been chastised for "breaking NC" -- That's because 9 times out of ten, the poster is coming back feeling worse than they did or as though they were 'starting over' in the recovery process. And, yeah, sure sometimes a relationship can be repaired, but given the experience and input from so many people, why set yourself up for possibly more hurt? I'd rather take the chance of being able to find a new relationship that doesn't have "history" and hurdles to jump and one that progresses more smoothly and effortlessly than to continue to expose myself to further pain, uncertainty and walking on eggshells wondering and waiting for the other/another shoe to drop. People can do whatever they want, but they come here asking for opinions and advice from people who have experience. They can take it or leave it. But, down the road a piece, we often see people who "rejected" the no contact advice, come back here giving that same advice to others . . . To be honest I don't think I've once replied to someone who has had a relationship of less than 6 months end. Not that I don't appreciate it will hurt, but just that I know in the end, probably sooner rather than later, the OP will be ok. I'm referring more to marriages and long term relationships where I feel that not only is NC occasionally the wrong advice but simply that it isn't practical and maybe sometime the forum as a group should empathise and understand that NC just isn't going to happen.
Satu Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 NC is an option. Nobody 'has to' do it, But when applied, it does 2 important things: 1. It prevents you being hurt again by your ex. 2. It prevents you being distracted from your healing by your ex. That's all it is, and all it does. Take care. 1
Author Pete2304 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 Ok, let's go at this a different way..... Under what circumstances would you advise a new (or long term member for that matter) to give their relationship another go? I know NC works and have said so in every reply I've made on this thread. That being said a frying pan works great for cooking bacon 99/100 but once in a while, I will finish work early enough on a Friday to buy some really good bacon from the local butcher and that tastes a whole lot better if it's cooked under the grill. Takes a bit longer and is more effort but it's worth it....... 1
LD1990 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Ok, let's go at this a different way..... Under what circumstances would you advise a new (or long term member for that matter) to give their relationship another go? I know NC works and have said so in every reply I've made on this thread. That being said a frying pan works great for cooking bacon 99/100 but once in a while, I will finish work early enough on a Friday to buy some really good bacon from the local butcher and that tastes a whole lot better if it's cooked under the grill. Takes a bit longer and is more effort but it's worth it....... If the dumper comes back into their ex's life after a good amount of time has passed (probably at least six months but a year would be better), both parties have grown, and they still feel strongly about each other, I'd say tread carefully, but give it a shot. Now, that depends quite a bit on the reason for the breakup. I wouldn't recommend taking back a cheater because that almost never works out. It can happen, but counting on it is like counting on winning the lottery. The key points here are that it's the dumper coming back and that it occurs after some serious time apart. Look around the forum and it's almost always people who just got dumped recently and they want their exes back even though none of the problems that plagued their relationship have been fixed. The best thing for someone in that position to do is to go NC. 1
Blanco Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Of course, even the above presents potential problems. I agree it's best for some time to pass before a second chance is attempted, BUT, that comes with the high possibility that at least one of the two people was active in the dating/hookup scene during the split. Though it shouldn't matter, that's always something that could pose a problem for some people trying to tackle the already difficult task of restarting a relationship. 1
Author Pete2304 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Posted December 10, 2016 All very valid points and I fully appreciate where most of you are coming from. However.....say you go NC, dump the wife/husband who has made a mistake be it cheating or just not paying enough attention, whatever and then eventually you meet someone new. Is that relationship going to be perfect? I'm not silly enough to believe that two people are meant for each other but I do believe that on occasion, fixing a broken relationship is better than walking away. Let's face it, all that happens then is 2/5/10 years later you are with someone else and being driven mad because they keep going out drinking with friends, they don't show you enough affection or they can't hold a job down? Or even if the worst happens and one of you cheats but genuinely regrets it. Then what, you pour your broken heart out here, go NC and start again? My grandmother is 91 and I asked her a few months ago why marriages lasted longer years ago than they do now. Her reply "because we we valued what we had. Times were hard and you learned not to just throw something away because it was broken, you tried to mend it first".
Blanco Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 No relationship is perfect, but it's just as foolish to stay in a bad relationship because you fear the unknown as it is to leave a relationship because you think the grass is greener elsewhere. Something I feel like you're glossing over is the idea that the dumper is willing or able to make things right. I've read hundreds of breakup threads since joining here. The majority of them include a dumper who has not shown much, if any, remorse for poor behavior or their decisions. In that context, it would be foolish for anyone to suggest that an OP be the one to try and mend the fences. You see some threads here and there where an OP's partner/ex did something like cheat and they are genuinely sorry. In those cases, yes, maybe reconciliation is worth visiting. But otherwise, advising the OP to do anything other than go NC and heal would be to suggest that they should punt away their self-respect and grovel to someone who has wronged them and shown no remorse. I've read so many threads involving cheating, both in marriages and relationships, and one prominent theme usually emerges: The cheater is neither remorseful nor willing to accept blame for their behavior. This seems especially true in marriages, where you read countless threads about someone who's gone out and had an affair, and has not only not owned up to it, but spun things around and passed the blame for their behavior back onto their betrayed spouse.
Blanco Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 My grandmother is 91 and I asked her a few months ago why marriages lasted longer years ago than they do now. Her reply "because we we valued what we had. Times were hard and you learned not to just throw something away because it was broken, you tried to mend it first". You know, I hear sentiments like this all the time, and while I think there's some truth to it, I really do think it's an over-simplification. The reality is, previous generations had more marriages that remained intact because women were in a position where they needed to be more dependent on their husband. Many had no job skills or work experience, and subsequently, needed their husband's income to survive. Add to that the fact that divorce was much more taboo decades ago than it is today, and it's not hard to see why you've got so many marriages from our grandparents' generation have really been 'til death do you part. Also, if there's something I've learned about relationships over the years, it's that longer doesn't automatically mean better. There are a lot of crappy marriages that have spanned decades. I don't think that's something to aspire to.
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