Discussion on NC

[Pete2304]

So I've been on this site for a few months now and many a time have been extremely grateful for the time and effort people have taken to try and help me out, give me advice or even just let me know they had read what I'd posted and let me know I wasn't on my own.

 

However I have always, from the the first few posts I've read here, had an issue with what seems to be a standard response to any relationship in trouble of no contact. 30 days seems to the standard advice. I've mentioned in a few threads that at times, I don't feel that fits.

 

Let's face it, 99% of us who have been dumped, cheated on or just left without any explanations have sent texts, emails, made phone calls late at night after a few too many drinks to the person who hurt us. It's human nature.

 

I feel personally that there's often too much of a cold hearted response to people posting their story for the first time. I've lost count of the number of first posts I've read of a relationship in trouble be it through cheating or anything else that I've gone back to a day or two later safe in the knowledge that someone will have advised NC.

 

Just because you've been hurt, your relationship was broken beyond repair and you've had to develop a tough skin doesn't mean that applies to all.

Some relationships can fix. Even after one of them cheating, lying, losing their passion, whatever it may be but I feel this standard NC response is at times unhelpful.

 

I have also read thread after thread from new posters where I've seen NC advice and thought yep, couldn't agree more, it's over but it can't be applied to every case surely?

 

I messaged admin about this and was advised it was ok to start a thread. Please be assured I'm not trying to cause an argument but would like to hear people's thoughts.

 

Pete

[darkbloom]

Pete,

 

You know when you break a glass and it shatters into a lot of pieces?

 

 

That is what happens in a breakup. The relationship gets tiny cracks and pieces that are very sharp and painful. It's not impossible to put it all back together again but it would take a lot of patience and hard work and those cracks will still be there even if you glue every piece back together.

 

NC is NOT a game or a manipulation tool. It is designed to help protect you from yourself and the sharp pieces of glass and your heart that are all over the ground.

 

If you can show me any good that ever came from drunk dialing and harassing an ex, I would love to see it. But 99.9% of the time it does more damage than good.

 

I'll repeat this again for people in the back, WHY would anyone want to talk and/ or get back together with someone who cheated or lied to you? Why waste anymore time with someone who has weighed the pros and cons of being with you and decided against you?

 

No contact works and helps you move on and heal the fastest. You also get to keep your dignity and self respect in the process.

[Pete2304]

In so many cases, breaking up for good is no doubt the best idea but....marriages/relationships have survived after an affair or even under other circumstances of lost trust. There was a thread a few weeks back posted by a woman who had gambled away savings and the general response was that she had broken her partner's trust and that was the end of it. I disagreed wholeheartedly. Things can fix. They might never be quite the same again but surely under certain circumstances one mistake can be forgiven. I will say, as I did on another thread, I have never cheated but I just think sometimes on here people who themselves have been hurt but gotten through it can be too quick to judge on occasion.

[BAcK]

Initially I was thinking the same. Why is it we are advised NC? I mean not all break ups are the same. Sometimes exes can do well staying in contact. So why NC?

 

People suggest NC as it helps you to heal. It is the same 'away from the eyes, away the mind'. If you keep contacting you will be stuck on them. It is not a game nor a strategy.

However it depends on the individual. It is a personal choice.

If a person can move on while maintaining contact, good for them. I did it myself.

[Pete2304]

Initially I was thinking the same. Why is it we are advised NC? I mean not all break ups are the same. Sometimes exes can do well staying in contact. So why NC?

 

People suggest NC as it helps you to heal. It is the same 'away from the eyes, away the mind'. If you keep contacting you will be stuck on them. It is not a game nor a strategy.

However it depends on the individual. It is a personal choice.

If a person can move on while maintaining contact, good for them. I did it myself.

 

I have a couple of issues with the standard NC advice. The first being, as I said in my original post (so won't ramble on about that again lol) sometimes relationships can be fixed. The second issue I have is that, much as many people here are capable of being tough having been through a hard break up and come out the other side, there seems to be a lack of recognition that 99% of first time posters are going to contact their ex anyway regardless of any advice given to them on here.

 

That doesn't mean they don't appreciate the advice given, or haven't taken it into account, more like at 2am when they are lonely, upset and desperate, they send that Facebook message or text begging their other half to come back.

 

I've read more than one thread where an OP has been chastised for "breaking NC". Personally I find that ridiculous and I would bet my last penny that some of those advocating the one size fits all NC approach have themselves begged an ex to come back.

[darkbloom]

I have a couple of issues with the standard NC advice. The first being, as I said in my original post (so won't ramble on about that again lol) sometimes relationships can be fixed. The second issue I have is that, much as many people here are capable of being tough having been through a hard break up and come out the other side, there seems to be a lack of recognition that 99% of first time posters are going to contact their ex anyway regardless of any advice given to them on here.

 

That doesn't mean they don't appreciate the advice given, or haven't taken it into account, more like at 2am when they are lonely, upset and desperate, they send that Facebook message or text begging their other half to come back.

 

I've read more than one thread where an OP has been chastised for "breaking NC". Personally I find that ridiculous and I would bet my last penny that some of those advocating the one size fits all NC approach have themselves begged an ex to come back.

 

We advise it because it's the best advice. Do you really think it wise to tell someone who JUST got burned by a stove to put their hand back on it to see if it's still hot? Of course not. It's not logical.

 

Advising NC doesn't always mean it's permanent. The idea is to get distance and and space so you can think LOGICALLY not EMOTIONALLY.

 

I have begged an ex to come back. Three times. We got back together every time and he broke my heart each one. It wasn't until I enacted NC and kicked his ass to the curb that I realized how stupid I was. I can say NC because i experienced the first hand consequences of not doing it.

 

I've also been on this board for two years. I may not always post but I read a majority of the posts. Look at the amount of reconciliations that actually happen and how many were better left broken the first time.

[Mrin]

Good question OP. Thanks for asking it.

 

Which of these two questions are you asking? Is NC really the only tactic when a relationship is over? Or, why are we so quick to give the thumbs down on people's relationships?

 

Here's how I look at it. NC is essentially a vote of "done" or "over". If a LS user reads a post and concludes that the situation is hopeless, NC is really the only answer - because it works. Think about it, how many times have you heard something like this "he dumped me and broke my heart. I still loved him dearly and had feelings for him. We remained in contact and over the next few months changed our entire relationship to friendship. We're now great friends!"

 

Oh sure, it can happen but honestly, it takes a very rare set of people to make that work and usually requires a strong friendship before the relationship to ask as the foundational support. For the vast majority of people out there, NC is really the only effective strategy for being "done" or "over". So that's why you see so much NC advice. It is really just the LS user saying they think the relationship is over.

 

That being said - this begs a bigger question which I think you're asking and that is why you will almost always find some LS user advocating a relationship's demise (by recommending NC) in almost any situation here. There are lots of reasons for that. Probably the most interesting to talk about (but probably not the most prevalent) is the idea of projection. We, as humans, simply can't help but drag our own baggage into our perceptions and therefore, our recommendations. LS is so active, so full of users teeming with real life heartache that I think you'd be hard pressed to find a situation in which no LS user can't relate to some degree. So ya, when you bring projection into the equation, you'll have some LS user recommend "over" through NC because of their own experiences/baggage.

 

Does that make sense?

[Pete2304]

My main issue with the NC advice is that I feel that people who have been on this board for a while have sadly becomes so accustomed to tales of broken relationships and reconciliations gone wrong that the standard response is get rid, don't contact them etc.

 

This just doesn't fit every single situation. I totally understand your point but what I said originally about a one size fits all solution to new threads now seems more valid than ever given your response. When would you not advise NC to a new poster?

 

People find themselves here for a million and one different reasons and I'm certain that for every ten posters who have been told to avoid contact with their ex, there's been the odd one who has ignored that and is now happy.

[DarrenB]

People advise NC, we initiate and maintain NC for the sole purpose to help us get through those early morning blues or when we feel damn right sorrowful and lonely. In honesty, people do come here expecting to be uplifted and motivated to the point where they would consider breaking NC or perhaps even try reconciling. They know it's a bad idea, but they struggle due to being in-denial and stubborn. Whereas it's not entirely their fault, I can almost assume that everyone that comes here knows what they need to do in order to move on and cope, but they have that slight hope to hear something different and empowering.

 

I've broken NC myself, multiple times to absolutely no avail. Essentially, it's probably ruined any chance/s of reconciling with whom I would like to be with in future. I don't reprimand people for considering breaking NC, I'm sure other people don't on here either. But, for the purpose that most of us have already experienced that pain, and that aftermath of what is common to happen, we try to embed into the minds of the lost and confused that it is not a good idea, and 9 times out of 10 nothing good will ever come out of it.

 

Whether or not the relationship between someone and someone else is able to be revived is a different story. People come here, some with some extraordinary and outrageous scenarios, some very simple. But to be factual, only they know whether or not it is a possibility for reconciliation between them and the other person. We, members of this community forum can only advise and support from what we already know and have experienced.

 

I look at my first thread on this site, dating back to late August. It's embarrassing. I was a mess. I came here, a very broken-hearted and lost teenage guy, who had lost the 'love of his life'. What was the purpose of me coming here? to document and gain some advice from people who had already been through it, and that's exactly what I got. 'No contact' came up multiple times, but did I listen on some occasions? no. I was naive, in-denial and oblivious. I couldn't handle that it was over, regardless of being repeatedly told that there was no thing to be done in order to for me to change that. 4 months onward, I appreciate every word that I had been given, whether it be positive, negative or biased. I've known for a while now, that breaking no contact is the incorrect thing to do. No matter what the occasion, how much time has gone by, I know.

 

You're right, in some cases after a course of time, self-healing, preservation and forgiveness, perhaps a relationship can be mended. Perhaps there is a chance to have a second attempt at what you thought would be perpetual. But, what a lot of people have to realise (myself included), is it really worth it? is it really worth the wait, the struggle, the pain, the hardships? It's a rhetorical question for most.

 

To conclude, 'No contact' is the only advice that you, as a person can truly benefit from, hence why it's the most commonly used advice on here. Whether someone chooses to undergo the process, is entirely up to them, but without doing so they will remain in an unclear future of where they stand with an ex, and they will remain struggling.

[umirano]

NC, and with the advent of social media, blocking and deleting is just a means to an end. It helps both parties to get over each other, to not have to come up with phrases and hollow explanations that only raise more questions. It is not revenge, it is not childish, it is a tool to deal with break ups and the resulting fallout.

 

I do not share the view that it means a guaranteed, water tight barrier to communications for the rest of our existence. It simply raises the bar significantly. If either party decides it's time to fix things they will have to go quite a bit out of their way to get to the other party and that is really the entire purpose. They will have to physically look up this other person in order to penetrate an even moderatly decent NC setup. In one of the NC guides it is formulated as "They will have to literally bang down your door, that is when you know they are serious about getting back together.". If for any reason you think you can fix it you will have to work really hard to even get the process started. It is in a way an insurance policy against late night drunk Facebook look ups, calls or Whatsapp texts. Similarly this whole paragraph applies to the person going NC if they want to rekindle things.

 

Now, when do we go NC? Well, if problems arise in a relationship I do not advise to go NC right away. Say, when I found that my girlfriend left the light on in the living room when she left the house it would truly be an overreaction, I think we will all agree. But as people who are (in most cases anyway) capable of an honest analysis of our situation we know when a break up is the only way forward (even if it's only for a finite amount of time). That's when you go NC. Is this ambiguous and not as easy to identify a point in time? Yes, but that is why we ask other people for their opinion on when it is time to pull the trigger on a relationship.

 

When and whether the right time for NC has come is very individual. It depends on the persons involved, on how well they can move on, on how they deal with stress, on how emotional and nostalgic they are. It depends on the nature of the previous romantic relationship and on the details of the break up. I try to be economical in life, not only with funds or time. But also with emotional stress I take (or make), and that is what I base my suggestion for NC on. Go NC when you know it is final and you do not want to deal with the emotional stress any longer than absolutely necessary.

 

Sometimes people rationally conclude breaking up is the only reasonable answer to the situation they find themselves in as a couple. At the same time they are civil about it and mutually have no confusion on any aspect of the break up. That is great and you can be friends, neighbors, co-workers or even roommates, as a close friend of mine is with her ex-husband. Then you do not need NC.

 

I disagree with the claim that NC is almost exclusively the advice given when people talk about their relationship problems here. A lot I see people suggesting therapy, rethinking one's conversation with the partner and other ideas. But many times people ignore a well warranted suggestion to go NC and they come back after a few weeks or months still, or again, in heartbreak.

 

I for one wish I'd known about NC earlier. I only learned about it when I found this forum.

[Pete2304]

Good question OP. Thanks for asking it.

 

Which of these two questions are you asking? Is NC really the only tactic when a relationship is over? Or, why are we so quick to give the thumbs down on people's relationships?

 

Here's how I look at it. NC is essentially a vote of "done" or "over". If a LS user reads a post and concludes that the situation is hopeless, NC is really the only answer - because it works. Think about it, how many times have you heard something like this "he dumped me and broke my heart. I still loved him dearly and had feelings for him. We remained in contact and over the next few months changed our entire relationship to friendship. We're now great friends!"

 

Oh sure, it can happen but honestly, it takes a very rare set of people to make that work and usually requires a strong friendship before the relationship to ask as the foundational support. For the vast majority of people out there, NC is really the only effective strategy for being "done" or "over". So that's why you see so much NC advice. It is really just the LS user saying they think the relationship is over.

 

That being said - this begs a bigger question which I think you're asking and that is why you will almost always find some LS user advocating a relationship's demise (by recommending NC) in almost any situation here. There are lots of reasons for that. Probably the most interesting to talk about (but probably not the most prevalent) is the idea of projection. We, as humans, simply can't help but drag our own baggage into our perceptions and therefore, our recommendations. LS is so active, so full of users teeming with real life heartache that I think you'd be hard pressed to find a situation in which no LS user can't relate to some degree. So ya, when you bring projection into the equation, you'll have some LS user recommend "over" through NC because of their own experiences/baggage.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Firstly, yes it does make sense, absolutely. The long and short of it is that I see so many new threads here where I personally think "yeah that's screwed" for want of a more eleqount description so I leave those threads alone because I know full well NC advice will be given by a long term LS user.

 

9/10, probably 99/100 the NC advice is sound and although it may be tough to hear for the OP it works but not always. The case I highlighted at the start of the thread about the woman who had gambled too much is an example.

 

I simply feel that each case should be taken on it's merits. Just because, sadly, those of us who are seasoned posters haven't found an absolution and have had to develop a thick skin and a certain level of cynicism doesn't mean that every broken relationship we read about on here is beyond repair.

 

Some people can't forgive a big mistake, be that infedelity or otherwise but for others, they have genuinely met the love of their life and whilst they may never forget, actually love that person enough to move on with their relationship and put a mistake behind them.

 

The vast majority of first threads are about a relationship that's gone. I see it, you see it, we all see it. But surely as a forum, there's a collective responsibility to see that the occasional relationship being discussed is worth saving?

[Mrin]

The vast majority of first threads are about a relationship that's gone. I see it, you see it, we all see it. But surely as a forum, there's a collective responsibility to see that the occasional relationship being discussed is worth saving?

 

Now that's a great point. I like to think I am one of the optimists here at LS. I guess here is how I look at it. If the OP wants to save it and I think there is a chance to do so, then we almost owe the OP some advice on how to save it. There is a thread going right now where the circumstances are pretty rough - but the OP desperately wants to save things. It will be a tall order but I think if there is a chance (I know - that's a subjective judgement call that we all must make) then we need to give advice to that end.

 

That being said, I think as posters the Golden Rule by which we should abide is this: we should do no harm. That is to say, we should offer advice and support to people with the best of intentions. I think a lot of us do. I also think a lot of us are jaded - not through LS use - but through our own personal experiences.

 

Anyhow, good stuff Pete.

[Pete2304]

What if the established LS members read a situation wrongly? What if the OP hasn't articulated the situation very well? An LS member decides on the basis of one new thread that a situation is hopeless and advises NC. There could be a million different factors though that the OP hasn't mentioned which might change the opinion of LS members. There are two sides to every story and I feel that further discussion with new posters may, at times, be a better approach.

 

I appreciate NC isn't the only advice ever given, I shouldn't had put it like that but in many, many cases it's what's offered. I should have taken that approach, my marriage was broken for years before I ended up here. That said, I've read new threads where I've thought actually this might well be fixable.

[Blanco]

NC is the go-to advice for getting over a painful breakup because it's the most effective way. Just because it's a common answer doesn't somehow make that less true. That's like telling someone that maybe "don't smoke" isn't the best advice for how to avoid lung cancer just because that's the most commonly prescribed advice.

 

I'll be honest: I read a lot of the threads in this forum and few of the relationships described seem worth salvaging. Often times, you can sum up these relationships to fit one of the following:

 

1) Relatively short relationship (a year or less) that's passed the honeymoon phase and the realization has set in that the two involved parties aren't a good fit.

 

2) Toxic behavior, be it cheating, deception, abuse, jealousy, manipulation. Maybe in a marriage those are things you dig in and work on, but in a relationship that's maybe a year or two old? Sorry, life is too short to work past such huge issues so shortly into a relationship.

 

3) People have outgrown the relationship; usually this is a first love that started as teens and has continued on out of comfort, even if the two people are no longer compatible.

 

Like just about anything, there are exceptions to rules, but I rarely see compelling cases made for why NC isn't a good idea. By time most people come here, the relationship is either already over or one of the people involved has disengaged enough to the point where they aren't interested in doing the necessary heavy lifting to save the relationship.

[Blanco]

One more point: NC is often the best route because the majority of the people posting here are the ones who were dumped. That means, there isn't usually anything the OP can do to salvage the situation. The other person still has to make the effort, and honestly, in most of these threads, I don't get the perception that the other person has much interest in doing that.

 

Take, for instance, someone who's been dumped because they got cheated on. What, other than NC, are we to advise them with? Someone cheating generally means they've checked out of the relationship; at best, they have a questionable moral compass and it should be questioned whether or not an OP should really not desire a better fate than a life with a cheater.

[LD1990]

9/10, probably 99/100 the NC advice is sound and although it may be tough to hear for the OP it works but not always. The case I highlighted at the start of the thread about the woman who had gambled too much is an example.

 

I simply feel that each case should be taken on it's merits. Just because, sadly, those of us who are seasoned posters haven't found an absolution and have had to develop a thick skin and a certain level of cynicism doesn't mean that every broken relationship we read about on here is beyond repair.

 

How do you know people here aren't taking every case on its own merits?

 

The reality is that it's much more common for people to stay in bad relationships than to abandon good relationships, because they're following their hearts and not their minds. If you look at the threads here, the majority are written by people who just got dumped and their relationships had all kinds of problems that they were ignoring. They're going off emotion, and it's far more helpful to have people give them clear-headed, logical advice than to give them false hope.

 

Are some relationships worth saving? Yes. The problem is that almost everyone thinks it's their relationship which defies all logic, which is hardly ever the case.

 

In almost every real breakup, NC is the way to go, especially if you got dumped. If the dumper changes their mind and really wants to try again, they'll move heaven and earth to contact you. But getting some space is the only way to clear your head.

[Pete2304]

Again, I absolutely agree that NC is in many cases solid advice and the right thing to do. That said, at times, there are people's future's at stake when they first find themselves here.

 

All I propose (which granted as a relatively new member I probably have no right to do) is that maybe a few more questions are asked at times to those posting their story for the first time.

 

Granted, a "my husband has been sleeping with a colleague for three years. He's said he is sorry and wants me back but I've just looked at his phone and he's still in contact with her, what should I do?" naturally warrants a run a mile and divorce him response along with NC advice and I would be the first to agree with that but come on people, shouldn't a little more time be taken with some of the new tales posted to dig a bit deeper?

[Pete2304]

I'm not at all saying that the vast majority of established members here don't post replies with the best of intentions. However, I've read more new threads than I can remember from new members and I can't recall a one who has found themself single because they've been cheated on, let down or just dumped who hasn't been advised to go with NC.

 

I can't stress enough, I know in so many cases that's the right approach. I agree. Totally. But this uniform response just doesn't sit well with me on occasion. However, people's lives, marriages, the happiness of their children are often on the line when we see a new thread. Simply going with

"your wife cheated, see a layere, divorce her and NC for 30 days"

Isn't always the right way.

[DarrenB]

Another note:

 

I've taken the liberty of using someone's signature on here to give a brief understanding of 'no contact' and why it's so important during a break-up.

 

Why No Contact is important: A BU hurts like taking a piece of sandpaper to your forehead. Every time you break NC, it's you bashing yourself in the forehead with a brick of salt and then wondering why the wound won't heal.

Edited December 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Haydn]

NC does work.

 

Takes a while to get it right.

 

Okay, in the case of kids, then it`s not so possible.

 

But in other cases it works. Not 30 days but forever.

 

You reach indifference.

 

My ex tried to come back, i`d moved on. She had no role or part in my life anymore.

 

NC, put me back on track. It was hard , very hard.

 

Not saying it`s for everyone but for me it was.

 

And i`d never heard about it until i came here. And yes i rallied against it with posters.

 

But when i finally did it. Well, what a relief.

 

I am not subscribing to this `If you keep trying, you are a doormat etc..`

 

But there will come a point where you just close the door.

 

It works, but it takes work.

 

Good luck.

[LD1990]

I'm not at all saying that the vast majority of established members here don't post replies with the best of intentions. However, I've read more new threads than I can remember from new members and I can't recall a one who has found themself single because they've been cheated on, let down or just dumped who hasn't been advised to go with NC.

 

And what would be better than NC in those cases? The smart move in every one of those scenarios is NC. Blanco made a good point. Most of the people asking for advice here have been dumped, and their ex isn't interested in getting back together. The only way they're going to heal is by going NC.

 

I imagine most of the people who respond here provide the best advice they can. I don't see why it's an issue that a certain type of advice, which has proven to be the most effective way of dealing with a breakup, is also the most frequent suggestion.

[Wontbefooledagain]

I think we all know deep down that NC is the only way to go but we usually have one more thing to say to the ex. Begging and pleading obviously will never work but there usually is one more point we want to make knowing it won't matter or make a difference. Here is a quote I found helpful:

 

I demolish my bridges behind me...there is no choice but to move forward.

Fridtijot Nansen

 

I picture a bridge exploding in my mind and me walking away with no way to go back. It is all about forward movement from this point on.

[Redhead14]

I have a couple of issues with the standard NC advice. The first being, as I said in my original post (so won't ramble on about that again lol) sometimes relationships can be fixed. The second issue I have is that, much as many people here are capable of being tough having been through a hard break up and come out the other side, there seems to be a lack of recognition that 99% of first time posters are going to contact their ex anyway regardless of any advice given to them on here.

 

That doesn't mean they don't appreciate the advice given, or haven't taken it into account, more like at 2am when they are lonely, upset and desperate, they send that Facebook message or text begging their other half to come back.

 

I've read more than one thread where an OP has been chastised for "breaking NC". Personally I find that ridiculous and I would bet my last penny that some of those advocating the one size fits all NC approach have themselves begged an ex to come back.

 

Advice is advice. It is up to the person who is seeking that advice to weight against their own circumstances and decide whether it is or isn't the way they want to handle a situation.

 

No contact can and should be used by anyone who is leaving a volatile, rollercoaster relationship that is, say, less than 6 months old, especially, IMO because usually what you have in a relationship by that point is as good as it will get.

 

I've read more than one thread where an OP has been chastised for "breaking NC" -- That's because 9 times out of ten, the poster is coming back feeling worse than they did or as though they were 'starting over' in the recovery process. And, yeah, sure sometimes a relationship can be repaired, but given the experience and input from so many people, why set yourself up for possibly more hurt? I'd rather take the chance of being able to find a new relationship that doesn't have "history" and hurdles to jump and one that progresses more smoothly and effortlessly than to continue to expose myself to further pain, uncertainty and walking on eggshells wondering and waiting for the other/another shoe to drop.

 

People can do whatever they want, but they come here asking for opinions and advice from people who have experience. They can take it or leave it. But, down the road a piece, we often see people who "rejected" the no contact advice, come back here giving that same advice to others . . .

[Pete2304]

I think we all know deep down that NC is the only way to go but we usually have one more thing to say to the ex. Begging and pleading obviously will never work but there usually is one more point we want to make knowing it won't matter or make a difference. Here is a quote I found helpful:

 

I demolish my bridges behind me...there is no choice but to move forward.

Fridtijot Nansen

 

I picture a bridge exploding in my mind and me walking away with no way to go back. It is all about forward movement from this point on.

 

One of, if not the best analogies I've ever heard.

[Pete2304]

And what would be better than NC in those cases? The smart move in every one of those scenarios is NC. Blanco made a good point. Most of the people asking for advice here have been dumped, and their ex isn't interested in getting back together. The only way they're going to heal is by going NC.

 

I imagine most of the people who respond here provide the best advice they can. I don't see why it's an issue that a certain type of advice, which has proven to be the most effective way of dealing with a breakup, is also the most frequent suggestion.

 

The point I was trying to make with my OP was that there are occasions when I've felt that NC advice was given wrongly. I've said in a few replies on this thread that I totally agree most of the time with that approach, just that I feel it can sometimes be a standard response.

 

Of course most people here have been dumped or cheated on and the vast majority of those relationships are done but say someone has been cheated on......a marriage of ten or twenty years and their partner has made one stupid mistake. Does it really have to be the end? Ok it's going to take a hell of a lot of work to fix but doesn't mean it can't be done. I only suggest that sometimes more questions are asked before advocating a NC split.