Think my marriage is over...

[Vapors]

Hi everyone. Apologies in advance for the length of this post, and thanks for taking the time to read and offer advice. I feel so alone right now.

 

My husband and I have hit an extremely rough patch in our marriage, and I'm seriously considering divorce. We've been together for 12 years, married for seven, and in that time we have had our share of problems. In fact, I posted here over a year ago about suspicions I had that my husband was cheating on me. I'm 99.9% sure that he had a short-term affair, but because his odd behavior ended abruptly, I never was able to get conclusive proof. If I had, I probably would've divorced him then. Since that time there have been no more signs of infidelity, but our problems have evolved into something that feels almost worse.

 

We are in the midst of some financial troubles. Our business isn't doing well, and we ended up losing our home, which has been very rough on our whole family. We plan to move out of state, but need to stay here another month while I train my replacement at work. We've had to put our belongings in storage and stay temporarily with friends. The last day we spent in our house is when my husband seemed to lose his mind.

 

He has been so hateful to me for the last couple of weeks; everything I say seems to set him off. He speaks to me with so much anger and contempt in his voice, it makes me afraid to say anything to him at all. His tone alone is so hurtful, but he has also said some horrible things that I can't unhear. He called me a horrible selfish person who thinks of no one but herself, said that us losing our home is all my fault, etc etc.

 

We had one day of relative peace, when we got a hotel room and were able to be intimate, but the next night he blew up on me again when I wouldn't have sex with him with two of our children (one a teenager who was awake at the time) in the same room with us. I told him it was totally inappropriate, and that even if we were so quiet that our kids had no idea what was happening, that I wouldnt be able to enjoy it, and would he really want that? His response was "you pull down your pants when I tell you to!" Who is this man?! This is NOT the man I married! His justification was that he NEEDS to be intimate with me, he feels it's the only thing that will stop the ever-growing distance between us. I feel his childish and controlling behavior is what's causing the distance in the first place! I could go on and on detailing all the awful things he has said and done over these last weeks, but I doubt anyone has the time or inclination to read that much of my sob story.

 

My issue is this: I know we are under terrible strain right now as a couple and family, and that allowances should be made. However, like I keep telling him, this is life. Things are going to go wrong, probably worse than this at some point, and I feel like that's when we should hold each other tighter, not tear each other apart. Is he just a weak man? He can't stand not being in control of this situation, so he's using me as his emotional punching bag? He's always been very moody and quick to anger, and I've found myself walking on eggshells around him in the past. However, he has plenty of wonderful attributes as well, and when he is good to me he's amazingly good.

 

Should I be forgiving him any and everything right now, considering the strain he is under? Or am I seeing how weak and spiteful he can be when the going gets tough, and are these (coupled with the issues we've had in the past) marriage-ending offenses? Divorcing now would send our already precarious financial situation straight down the drain, but this also might be the ideal time to get a fresh start elsewhere. I feel like his behavior over the last weeks has been the straw that finally broke our marriage...but I am also under a lot of pressure, and may not be thinking clearly. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this, at all. It's a very lonely feeling.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for the stress you are feeling right now. Stress does funny things to people, it exhausts coping strategies and bring out the worst sometimes...

 

It's hard to say over the Internet based on the little information you have shared whether you should or should not stay married to this man. But I will say, his behavior would not be acceptable to me. I would not tolerate infidelity. And, I would not be interested in staying with a man and being intimate with a man who is quick to anger, mean and disrespectful. The fact that he got angry with you because you refused to have sex with your children in the same room... That is really disturbing. It certainly seems that your husband is having a difficult time coping with the tremndous economy stress your family is under right now... But only you will know when it becomes too much.

 

You deserve a partner ... Someone to help carry the burden and ease try to your pain - not add to it. If you don't have that, you have some serious thinking to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like his behavior over the last weeks has been the straw that finally broke our marriage...but I am also under a lot of pressure, and may not be thinking clearly. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this, at all. It's a very lonely feeling.

 

There's an old saying in sports - adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.

 

Is there a way to get your H to own his issues, perhaps through counseling? While it's probably not at the top of your financial wishlist, it is cheaper than divorce. He may not even realize what he's doing though I understand that doesn't make it easier for you.

 

Stress certainly affects relationships in different ways. And your point is well-taken - things are already hard enough without the additional drama. You might have a clearer look at things if you tough it out until you get settled. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

If you are married 50 years, and 10 of them totally suck, that is still a B.

[aileD]

Should I be forgiving him any and everything right now, considering the strain he is under?

 

Yes.....well until:

You pull down your pants when I tell you to

 

Seriously I was thinking, ok they are under stress...things happen, you will probs Get better once the stress is out of your life. People get called names, it happens but it's not the end of the world and can usually be overcome.

 

But what he said to you about pulling down your pants shows a side of him that makes me really uncomfortable. Especially trying to force you to have se when your kids are in the same room --- where were the kids when he was making the pull your pants down comment? Did the kids hear that?

 

Take care of yourself, please. Maybe he should go along ahead to the new town and you and the kids can join him on a month when things have calmed down

[Birdies]

But what he said to you about pulling down your pants shows a side of him that makes me really uncomfortable. Especially trying to force you to have se when your kids are in the same room --- where were the kids when he was making the pull your pants down comment? Did the kids hear that?

 

Agreed. What he said about "you pull down your pants when I tell you too" is really REALLY not ok. Your husband does not deserve control over your body and your sexuality. Forcing or trying to force someone into sexual activity against their will is rape, whether or not they are your spouse, and it's really disturbing that he would act that way. A halfway decent man could be pissed as hell at and hate his wife, but he wouldn't believe that he can demand sex against her will. That alone makes me think you're better off without this guy.

[BluesPower]

What caused the financial problems??? A little more info would really help.

 

And you know what, he is being a jerk.

 

Give the guy a freaking break, he just lost the house.

 

How do you guys think he is feeling about himself right now.

 

Wanna guess. He does not feel like a man because he could not prevent it.

 

He is about to lose his mind. I have been there, more than once.

 

And don't tell me that OP has just as much loss as him. Society judges the husband when this stuff happens and he is judging himself.

 

Get the kids somewhere and give him a BJ for Christ sake.

[anna121]

What caused the financial problems??? A little more info would really help.

 

And you know what, he is being a jerk.

 

Give the guy a freaking break, he just lost the house.

 

How do you guys think he is feeling about himself right now.

 

Wanna guess. He does not feel like a man because he could not prevent it.

 

He is about to lose his mind. I have been there, more than once.

 

And don't tell me that OP has just as much loss as him. Society judges the husband when this stuff happens and he is judging himself.

 

Get the kids somewhere and give him a BJ for Christ sake.

 

For realz? Um, no. One does not reward jerkishness with a BJ. Gimme a break.

 

Oh. And it's seriously wacko to suggest that losing one's house and livelihood is less of a loss if you're the girl.

[MuddyFootprints]

What caused the financial problems??? A little more info would really help.

 

And you know what, he is being a jerk.

 

Give the guy a freaking break, he just lost the house.

 

How do you guys think he is feeling about himself right now.

 

Wanna guess. He does not feel like a man because he could not prevent it.

 

He is about to lose his mind. I have been there, more than once.

 

And don't tell me that OP has just as much loss as him. Society judges the husband when this stuff happens and he is judging himself.

 

Get the kids somewhere and give him a BJ for Christ sake.

 

Cuz that's what a man needs to feel like a man.

 

Spit, swallow, or take it in the face? Asking for a friend.

[BaileyB]

Have to agree... The stress and financial loss is devastating for the whole family.

 

If he is angry with his wife because he won't have sex with the kids in the room and orders her to remove her pants whenever he feels like sex... That kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Stress or no stress - it's completely disrespectful and that boundary needs to be very, very clear.

 

A blow job does not solve all.

[BluesPower]

You want to be all modern, I get that.

 

But that is not the way the worlds sees it. It just is not.

 

He is the one that should have handled it, or that is the way he probably thinks. And most people, even though they won't say it to his face will think of him as a failure. That is how I would feel whether I deserved it or not.

 

It does not excuse his boorish behavior or the disrespect.

 

But it may explain his strange behavior...

[MuddyFootprints]

You want to be all modern, I get that.

 

But that is not the way the worlds sees it. It just is not.

 

He is the one that should have handled it, or that is the way he probably thinks. And most people, even though they won't say it to his face will think of him as a failure. That is how I would feel whether I deserved it or not.

 

It does not excuse his boorish behavior or the disrespect.

 

But it may explain his strange behavior...

 

So, in the face? For all the new school sweeties?

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

A blow job does not solve all.

 

While I agree with you as a woman, I've learned a lot about men these past two years and it actually does solve most problems.

[MuddyFootprints]

While I agree with you as a woman, I've learned a lot about men these past two years and it actually does solve most problems.

 

Forgets about problems for a few minutes, yes. Solves problems, no.

 

Source - A man.

 

I'm just taking notes for my daughters.

Edited December 10, 2016 by MuddyFootprints

[Birdies]

Can we revisit the "You pull down your pants when I tell you to!" business in the same room as their teenage kids?!

 

I mean, yes, a BJ goes a long way towards making a man feel loved and wanted and engendering good behavior from him, even if you're not all that interested in doing it. But that kind of attitude is just plain sexual abuse, and it kills any interest in going the extra mile to make your man feel loved.

[BaileyB]

Can we revisit the "You pull down your pants when I tell you to!" business in the same room as their teenage kids?!

 

I mean, yes, a BJ goes a long way towards making a man feel loved and wanted and engendering good behavior from him, even if you're not all that interested in doing it. But that kind of attitude is just plain sexual abuse, and it kills any interest in going the extra mile to make your man feel loved.

 

This is it. Exactly.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It is kind of ironic that she is being advised to give her husband a bj when in her last thread this happened..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/539798-i-smelled-sex-my-husband

 

Sure, he may have good points, but I can only judge based on the information provided. I wouldn't trust or feel safe with a man like this. I would take this change in circumstance as an opportunity to reassess the relationship going forward.

 

Set very clear boundaries for yourself, and remember that no one is entitled to treat you like an emotional punching bag or sex object.

[anna121]

First of all, they WERE able to get away and have sex. Read the post.

 

I have no objections to BJ's. Birthdays, Christmas or just because it's Tuesday. BJs are awesome!

 

Anyone who told me I was to drop 'em on demand and bend over would be toast. At that point, a BJ would not be the alternative I had in mind.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It is kind of ironic that she is being advised to give her husband a bj when in her last thread this happened..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/539798-i-smelled-sex-my-husband

 

Sure, he may have good points, but I can only judge based on the information provided. I wouldn't trust or feel safe with a man like this. I would take this change in circumstance as an opportunity to reassess the relationship going forward.

 

Set very clear boundaries for yourself, and remember that no one is entitled to treat you like an emotional punching bag or sex object.

 

Okay well I didn't know her history. That is very different then.

 

Its just hard over the internet to know the tone of how someone says something. My husband has said things like, drop your pants and stuff, and we had sex in a hotel room while my kids slept in the other room. I did it for him. But his penis smelling like a another woman's vag. no no no.

[Southern Sun]

Hi Vapors. I remember your story. I was worried about you.

 

Of course none of us know for sure, but I think you know you don't need the smoking gun in your case to be pretty confident that your husband stepped out. Something happened.

 

When people are under stress, all their cracks start to show. He sounds like one of those people with a thousand sides to his personality and your never quite sure which one you're gonna get. I bet he absolutely bowled you over when you first got together, swept you off your feet, super charming. And suddenly he's revealing a new layer, full of anger and rage. Yes, when you don't know who you're waking up to in the morning it will certainly make you walk on eggshells.

 

Stress will bring out the worst in people. So will guilt. Guilt is VERY stressful. I don't know if he still has any guilt about his cheating. It sounds like he may have some guilt about your financial difficulties and he's projecting it onto you in the form of anger and blame. This is a guy who throws around his emotions like a hot potato. He doesn't know how to deal.

 

Only you can decide whether these issues are marriage-ending. I always hated when people told me that, but it's true. Only you know your line. I think people in marriage can make it through a lot of hard things. What he said to you is absolutely unacceptable. But he also did other totally unacceptable things. Which ones do we forgive and which ones do we say, now THAT was just too far?

 

I believe a little mercy and compassion extended to one another during a time like this is warranted. But that goes both ways. And your husband has issues. He needs some serious introspection and that to me is the biggest concern - can he? Will he? Is he able?

[sandylee1]

Vapors,

 

I remember you. Your H came back from his Ex GF smelling of sex. It was his daughters mother (is that correct ) and he took your son /s with him as a cover.

 

You were right to refuse sex with your teenager in the room and I'm amazed that Blues (who I usually agree with ), said to just give him a BH. Why is it all about his needs FFS?.

 

He spoke to you as though you're a hooker he's paid for. That's not on in the least.

 

I reckon you've been through emotional abuse with him, but it's become the norm and you don't even realise he's abusive.

[Vapors]

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't replied sooner. We flew down to the city we are planning on moving to to look at houses, and it's been nuts. We are currently in our hotel room, not speaking to or looking at each other.

 

I found your replies very insightful. I do believe that my husband's "manhood" has suffered greatly from everything that has gone on in the last couple of months, and perhaps that is why his default has been sex sex sex. Maybe he only feels like a man when he is able to be intimate with me. I can understand that, and I have always tried to be a giving partner in that regard. I have never refused him sex, even when I didn't really feel like having it. I always at least try and get into it, and my body wakes up and responds accordingly. I know it's important to him, so I meet his needs - when it is possible. When our children are in the same room? To me, that falls in the "impossible" category. I would sooner drop my pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. Which he will probably someday demand

 

But what about my needs? I need to feel safe, and loved, and cherished. His response to stress in our relationship is to demand sex, at the very times I least feel like giving it! How can he think that being horrible to me and pushing me away, then turning around and asking me to make myself vulnerable is okay??

 

I am not a demanding partner. I am happy with the simplest things in this life. I don't need or want lots of money or a big house, I don't care about driving a fancy car. All I want is my children to be safe and happy, my husband to be fulfilled and happy, and for me to be treated with kindness, respect, and compassion, more often than not. Yes, we lost our home, our business. To me, dwelling on that loss is totally counter-productive. We need to move on and solve the problem. Move into a smaller house. Rely on my income alone while my husband gathers himself and decides how he is going to help support this family. Sell whatever we need to to make ends meet until we've pulled ourselves out of this hole. What's done is done. But he can't seem to move on. So much anger. You know what's funny about his comment that it's all my fault that we lost our house? It was a series of very, very poor decisions by HIM that actually led us here. My jaw hit the floor when he tried to lay this at my feet. Sheesh.

 

Now he's been just following my lead, leaving me to arrange everything, and then criticising me if anything goes wrong. I chose the place for us to move to (he hates it already...and he's been here all of 24 hours), picked out all the houses to tour (he hates them all, I should just pick one), the rental car (the guy took to long to get it to us, the car is a piece of crap), the restaurant to eat at (the wait is too long), etc. He doesn't want to lift a finger to do anything, but everything I do is wrong. It's incredibly frustrating. Last night we got back to the room, exhausted, on two hours of sleep from the night before, and BOTH promptly fell asleep. I woke up to him complaining that I didn't have sex with him!! Now he's giving me the silent treatment.

 

I've suggested counseling, he grudgingly agreed to "look into it...when we can afford it." I have a sinking feeling we will never be able to "afford" it.

[Vapors]

There's an old saying in sports - adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I really like this quote, it falls in line with my own feelings on the matter. I feel like stress like this can either bring out the best, or the worst, in us. In my husband's case, it's the latter. It's really made me lose some respect for him, in a way that losing our home and way of life didn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

It was a series of very, very poor decisions by HIM that actually led us here. My jaw hit the floor when he tried to lay this at my feet. Sheesh.

 

Vapors, I'd just be careful about joining him in playing the blame game. I've made plenty of decisions, both business and personal, that didn't hold up well in the cold light of history. When you're trying to figure stuff out in real time, you may not know what you don't know .

 

What about saying something like this to him - "we've taken some hits and I'd like to work with you to get back our our feet. It's obvious we have some differing points of view, but for our children's sake we should both accept the responsibility to treat each other with kindness and respect as we move forward. I'm going to make myself accountable for doing so and I'm asking you to do the same".

 

He probably feels two things - you're blaming him for what's happened and (deep down inside) you're probably right. You'll need to try to make him less defensive, perhaps he'll then quit acting out sexually and emotionally.

 

I'm tempted to say someday you'll look back at this and laugh. Just not sure it's true...

 

Mr. Lucky