hanging out with ex since the break up

[griffindor]

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. It became a disfunctional relationship, and by the last bit it was toxic. We dated for 2 years.He moved out of the house.

 

During this past 5 weeks, we got into contact by text and phone calls. He would call me but then would become very distant to the point of ignoring me. Which, caused a lot of heart ache. I called him out on this behavior and he said " by no contact we would have a better chance moving on from each other alot easier"

 

Maybe my emotions are not in a good place but i have been dealing with a severe broken heart and missing him everyday.

i sent him a text wanting to know if he ever could picture a future with us or if not tell me, and I will move on with my life forever....He never answered.

 

A week went by and i texted sayin " you dont have to spell it out for me, i get that its over for good... i cant keep hanging on to a false sense of hope" He said he was sorry and will always love me, he wanted me to know he was really hurt by this break up as well. and how unfortunate it is how things turned out. I told him that we can never talk to each other ever again. no text, email, or phone calls. He said he was really sad to hear that.

the next day, i told him about some mail at the house and he called me to ask about it. it was a pretty postive concerstaton that went on for about 30 mins. He said that he misses me, but how he feels confused, doesnt know what to do about us or how to ever reburish our relationship.

 

A couple days went by, and i was feeling extremely lonely, i asked him if he wanted to hang out on the weekend. He agreeed and said we could talk about it closer to the time. I would text him and he answers me now , but he ussually calls me for small talk. but i am mostly the one that intatates texts . i text saying " cant wait to see you" and he responsded by "yep"

 

to be honest, i am completely terrified to see him. I keep telling myself to check my expectations at the door but i dont see how i can possbily do that.

My fear is by seeing him, it will prepetuate more attachemnt. .. and after the hang out , he might not show any effort of contact after we part ways. and then i will become extremely depressed out this.

on the other side, he did agree to hang out which might show a silver lining in this mess.

 

I dont expect to jump back into a relationship with him but hoping we can work toward being in each others life again and be together again one day.

any advice or interactations of this situation.....

Edited December 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[kgcolonel]

My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. It became a disfuntional relationship, and by the last bit it was toxic. We dated for 2 years.

He moved out of the house. During this past 5 weeks, we got into contact by text and phone calls. He would call me but then would become very distant to the point of ignoring me. Which, caused a lot of heart ache. I called him out on this behavior and he said " by no contact we would have a better chance moving on from each other alot easier"

maybe my emotions are not in a good place but i have been dealing with a severe broken heart and missing him everyday.

i sent him a text wanting to know if he ever could picture a future with us or if not tell me, and I will move on with my life forever....He never answered. A week went by and i texted sayin " you dont have to spell it out for me, i get that its over for good... i cant keep hanging on to a false sense of hope"

he said he was sorry and will always love me, he wanted me to know he was really hurt by this break up as well. and how unfortunate it is how things turned out. I told him that we can never talk to each other ever again. no text, email, or phone calls. He said he was really sad to hear that.

the next day, i told him about some mail at the house and he called me to ask about it. it was a pretty postive concerstaton that went on for about 30 mins. He said that he misses me, but how he feels confused, doesnt know what to do about us or how to ever reburish our relationship.

a couple days went by, and i was feeling extremely lonely, i asked him if he wanted to hang out on the weekend. He agreeed and said we could talk about it closer to the time. I would text him and he answers me now , but he ussually calls me for small talk. but i am mostly the one that intatates texts .

i text saying " cant wait to see you" and he responsded by "yep"

to be honest, i am completely terrified to see him. I keep telling myself to check my expectations at the door but i dont see how i can possbily do that.

My fear is by seeing him, it will prepetuate more attachemnt. .. and after the hang out , he might not show any effort of contact after we part ways. and then i will become extremely depressed out this.

on the other side, he did agree to hang out which might show a silver lining in this mess.

I dont expect to jump back into a relationship with him but hoping we can work toward being in each others life again and be together again one day.

any advice or interactations of this situation.....

 

 

Might be helpful to understand why you two broke up and who broke with who?

[griffindor]

it was a mutual decision. the reasons are very complicated but mostly due to him not facing unresolved problems he has.

[dumbass2]

it was a mutual decision. the reasons are very complicated but mostly due to him not facing unresolved problems he has.

 

And those problems haven't been resolved so nothing will change and you are wasting your time meeting with him.You can already sense that he's not fully into this.Just prolonging the hurt. Many months down the road would be best to re-visit this if he in fact can make the necessary changes, but those don't happen overnight and not without him wanting to make them and with you nowhere around. I know you're going to go because I did with my ex and it lead to more months of pain and heartbreak until I told her we can't be in contact any more. Toughest thing to do but relieved once I did it. You'd be surprised what you can do when your mind/logic catches up with your heart.

[griffindor]

i understand. i just want to know what his intentions are before this meet up

[Lcmc1988]

I know everyones situation is different. I can tell you my ex and I have been broken up for about 6 weeks now, and I've seen him twice. Both times everything feels really amazing while we are together, but when its time to leave eachother things get weird- youre not dating, but you used to...so I personally didnt listen to my gut and just asked flat out what are we doing still seeing eachother,he replied honestly saying he really wasnt sure and that we obviously miss eachother but doesnt mean we are supposed to be together.

 

so my answer to you is, if you are willing to see him without any expectations then go for it. If he agrees to see you its because he misses you. But again that does not mean he wants to be with you. so be very careful.

[griffindor]

me and my old boyfriend has been split up going on 4 months.

we've been in contact and it seems like its impossible for either one of us to not talk for more than 1 full week.

He's been phoning to check in with me here and there, but I told it at this point its too painful for me to casually talk when im trying very hard to get over him.

I asked him if he ever thought there would be a possibility of us starting back up,

and he said "im not sure,that would be great but. im so far gone and our break up was not pretty"

A couple days went by and he called again to see how i was doing, but again when we hung up, i would feel really sad because i was hoping he would ask me to hang out.

I text him basically saying that i wast over him and its either we dont talk for a while or we slowly are in each others lives again"

he responded saying that he wasn't over me either....I asked what he wanted then? but he never responded.

4 days went by and he called me, and said he felt like he had to see me and asked me out for lunch. (this was the first time he ever reached out to spend time since we broke up

the lunch date went well, he told me he wants to make positive changes within himself, and also wanted to say he was sorry for everything and also felt bad for not responding back to that text.

I dropped him off at his house, and he said he was happy to see me to spend time.

during the lunch time, i held off on pushing on the subject of getting back together, but mostly just heard what he had to say. We didnt discuss any follow up hang outs either.

But now Im not sure where to go from here, I dont know if i should just continue to let him come to me, or wait 1 week or so from now ask if he would like to get together again.

its difficult when youre trying to move on some a relationship but someone youre still in love with is phoning you.

I do admit, ive been wanting him to ask to spend time with be for a long time and he is aware that i want to still be with him.

I am trying to play my cards right. does anyone have any thoughts on what to do after your ex asks to spend time with you?

Edited January 10, 2017 by griffindor

[falxmanolo]

me and my old boyfriend has been split up going on 4 months.

we've been in contact and it seems like its impossible for either one of us to not talk for more than 1 full week.

He's been phoning to check in with me here and there, but I told it at this point its too painful for me to casually talk when im trying very hard to get over him.

I asked him if he ever thought there would be a possibility of us starting back up,

and he said "im not sure,that would be great but. im so far gone and our break up was not pretty"

A couple days went by and he called again to see how i was doing, but again when we hung up, i would feel really sad because i was hoping he would ask me to hang out.

I text him basically saying that i wast over him and its either we dont talk for a while or we slowly are in each others lives again"

he responded saying that he wasn't over me either....I asked what he wanted then? but he never responded.

4 days went by and he called me, and said he felt like he had to see me and asked me out for lunch. (this was the first time he ever reached out to spend time since we broke up

the lunch date went well, he told me he wants to make positive changes within himself, and also wanted to say he was sorry for everything and also felt bad for not responding back to that text.

I dropped him off at his house, and he said he was happy to see me to spend time.

during the lunch time, i held off on pushing on the subject of getting back together, but mostly just heard what he had to say. We didnt discuss any follow up hang outs either.

But now Im not sure where to go from here, I dont know if i should just continue to let him come to me, or wait 1 week or so from now ask if he would like to get together again.

its difficult when youre trying to move on some a relationship but someone youre still in love with is phoning you.

I do admit, ive been wanting him to ask to spend time with be for a long time and he is aware that i want to still be with him.

I am trying to play my cards right. does anyone have any thoughts on what to do after your ex asks to spend time with you?

 

 

Hi! i'm sorry you're finding it hard to move on but hey, it is hard when you're spending lunch dates with your ex. Before the emphasis on no-contact, can I ask you, what do YOU want. Pause, breathe, close your eyes, open your eyes, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Do you want this man back in your life? I want you to be very realistic and detach yourself from your emotions when you answer these questions to yourself. What do you want in a romantic relationship? Is HE worth your time? Are you sure you want to be with him?

[kendahke]

I asked him if he ever thought there would be a possibility of us starting back up,

and he said "im not sure,that would be great but. im so far gone and our break up was not pretty"

 

He didn't say "Oh, yes, that's what I want more than anything. Will you please try again with me?"

 

I am trying to play my cards right. does anyone have any thoughts on what to do after your ex asks to spend time with you?

 

In the absence of him saying that he wants to be back with you more than anything, there are no cards to be played here. He's no where near being in the frame of mind to pick things back up and if you press him on it, he's going to tell you "I told you that I wasn't sure, I'm so far gone and our break up wasn't pretty". That translates to "no".

 

Unless my ex was bringing the full atonement and behaving--not just talking, but behaving--like someone who wanted back in my life more than his next breath, I put him on block and leave him there.

 

Your ex is not on the same page as you--otherwise, he'd be atoning and doing what needed to be done to shore up any faults in the foundation of your relationship. He's not doing that.

 

Look at "what is" instead of longing for "what you wished would be". It's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

[fireflywy]

There was an old article I read last year utilizing the expletive "If it's not F yes! Then it's no."

 

You are in relationship purgatory and he's waffling. You need to adopt the above mindset and lay it out to him. If he can't say "F yeah!" and be on board, then you need to say "No" and keep walking. I did this once for someone who wasn't "F yes!" waffled a few times wanting her back (she was bad news in hindsight) and it hurt like crazy, but it did get better and I came to realize that life can't be wasted living in the grey.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Also, the mindset works with engaging our own interests too. If I can't say "F yes!" To someone, I don't waste their time or mine.

Edited January 10, 2017 by fireflywy

[FaithInTheDark]

I agree with the previous posters about him waffling about wanting you back or not.

But, what throws me off is, she clearly stated before he called "it's too painful to be friends at this point. Either we stop contact or we try again"

So this man was aware of where she's at and he still called to spend time. What does this say? If he didn't want to continue on than he probably wouldn't of made this action....??

[Homer J]

You are being strung along until he finds a new plan A. Get in a relationship or get out.

[FaithInTheDark]

I know how this can feel. It's not nice, stay strong.

[FaithInTheDark]

I know how this can feel. It's not nice, stay strong.

[CaliforniaGirl]

He keeps checking back in to make sure you're still on the hook in case of lust/romantic emergency later.

 

Next time, don't respond. Don't make a big deal of it but don't respond to the text. If he texts to follow up respond politely but without emotion. Stop telling him you're not over him. That's his cue that he can keep chasing tail, while realizing you're a backup should he go completely dry.

 

Sorry to be so harsh. But it is time to STOP GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS because it is PRODUCING RELIEF IN HIM and CONTINUING ANXIETY AND GRIEF FOR YOU. Why put yourself through pain? Fade him out. Take control back of your life and your heart.

[griffindor]

dealing with a break up for the past few months. Its been a back and forward thing between the ex and I. and communication has been constant on both ends.

after a roller coaster and various stages between us , recently the tension has lessen and the conversation felt genuine. he started calling me alot more and more on his own time as well.

but i told him, that the casual conversation was too painful. it was clear i wanted to still be with him. it was either we stopped talking or gave each other another chance to be in each others lives again. he said how he still loved me, wasn't over me either. and felt it would be awesome to be together but the past was too damaged, wished in an alternate reality everything was ok.

asked what he wanted but he never text back.

a week went by and i was writing him off forever, but he called and asked to go for dinner.

I was taken back, because hes never reached out on his own to spend time. The dinner was a positive time and he said he had to see he say how sorry he was for how he treated me.

he told me how happy he was to see me and how much he missed me.

after we parted ways that night i was ecstatic , and seriously took his reaching out as him wanting to work it out.

we made plans to see each other the following weekend. i texted him but he never answered back. And he was online Facebook posting stuff.

in all honestly, this made me furious, my emotions were strung along .

I realized he takes what he wants from the moment from me weather it be, to relieve guilt, emotional comfort , or fill the void of loneliness and it causing he agony because i was completely powerless.

I called him after i saw him online ( i understand i didnt play this cool but i had to stick up for my feelings.)

he said how i misinterpreted him and he just wants to be my friend nothing more, i said some nasty words to him and hung up

the next day i phoned to appoligse for how rude i was, but we can never be friends and for the first time since the break up, i legit never want to talk to him again. he admitted how he has alot of left over feelings but just handles them differently and didnt know what to do about us. i said good bye forever and deleted him out of my phone and everything.

had anyone been a break up where the ex was flip flopping on break ups when they knew the other person was still in love with them? did i act like a fool and mis read everything in his call to go for dinner?? did a screw up my chances with him by demanding to know his intentions & not giving him time and patience

im so lost, any insight?

Edited January 17, 2017 by griffindor

[Gr8fuln2020]

...and seriously took his reaching out as him wanting to work it out.

 

Never assume that any reaching out involves reconciliation UNLESS duly, unabmbiguously, agreed upon! Me ex created a fantasy world of her own and determined in her own mind that my attempt to be civil was a sign that there was a chance for reconciliation. In my situation, I made it ABSOLUTELY clear that getting back together was not going to happen, but she read from my 'friendliness' and 'civility' as a sign of my being uncertain, etc.

 

HE NEVER said to you that he wanted to reconcile. HE told you that the past was too painful. He may have been deceptive, but you read much too much into whatever he thought he was doing. Sorry.

[griffindor]

Never assume that any reaching out involves reconciliation UNLESS duly, unabmbiguously, agreed upon! Me ex created a fantasy world of her own and determined in her own mind that my attempt to be civil was a sign that there was a chance for reconciliation. In my situation, I made it ABSOLUTELY clear that getting back together was not going to happen, but she read from my 'friendliness' and 'civility' as a sign of my being uncertain, etc.

 

HE NEVER said to you that he wanted to reconcile. HE told you that the past was too painful. He may have been deceptive, but you read much too much into whatever he thought he was doing. Sorry.

 

Yes, you are completely right. I interpreted it as reconciliation because i guess that was convenient for my feelings and i feel utterly humiliated.

[dumbass2]

Did you specifically tell him that you cannot just be friends and to not contact you again? I finally did that with my ex and it actually gave me a sense of relief and allowed me to move on because I finally took control.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes, you are completely right. I interpreted it as reconciliation because i guess that was convenient for my feelings and i feel utterly humiliated.

 

My ex feels (felt) the same way. It was easier for her to hope then to admit that the relationship was over regarless of the fact that reconciliation was never discussed nor wanted on my part. Move on, forward. Sorry.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Did you specifically tell him that you cannot just be friends and to not contact you again? I finally did that with my ex and it actually gave me a sense of relief and allowed me to move on because I finally took control.

 

Very important. Take back control over your life, emotions. It is the only way you can move on.

[griffindor]

Did you specifically tell him that you cannot just be friends and to not contact you again? I finally did that with my ex and it actually gave me a sense of relief and allowed me to move on because I finally took control.

 

 

Yes, thats exactly what i said.

and yes, I am doing the best i can to move forward... and will never put myself in a situation of humiliation with him again.

in all fairness, i am only human. I do think other people would of easily mistake this as a move to work things out.

you dont ask a ex out for dinner when she clearly is in pain and is in love with you. it was selfish. but yeah, he was just trying to be civil.

[Gloria25]

So this man was aware of where she's at and he still called to spend time. What does this say? If he didn't want to continue on than he probably wouldn't of made this action....??

 

No, he just wants attention - even if it's negative attention and at her expense and even if her "expense" is him breaking her heart.

 

Recent dude knows that I can't speak to him - yet he orbits. It's like he gets some thrill out of watching me hurt.

 

We can't control other's actions and if you sit around trying to interpret it - then something's wrong. When people come forward with you and are clear - there's nothing to interpret. In my situation, if he really wanted to speak to me, he has my cel, e-mail, and home address...so, I don't care if he orbits me all day it means nothing no matter how much I "interpret" it.

 

I don't think your guy is trying to be civil, friendly, or whatever...he's still feeding off of your need for him - when he clearly knows he doesn't want more.

 

If he won't be dignified enough to leave you alone, you have to be strong and ignore him.

 

Sorry....but, I feel ya, that's what I'm going through right now. I keep on "interpreting" this or that and over the weekend where I wasn't put under a spell by seeing him, I got clarity. See, NC is essential, you get clarity and that push you need to move on. Yesterday is finally when it hit me that he could care less about me and I need to move on, if he cared, he would've called, texted, e-mailed, smoke signals long time ago...

 

Well wishes...

[dumbass2]

Yes, thats exactly what i said.

and yes, I am doing the best i can to move forward... and will never put myself in a situation of humiliation with him again.

in all fairness, i am only human. I do think other people would of easily mistake this as a move to work things out.

you dont ask a ex out for dinner when she clearly is in pain and is in love with you. it was selfish. but yeah, he was just trying to be civil.

 

No it wasn't nice or civil for him to do that knowing how you felt about him knowing he didn't want back. My ex stopped contacting me after I said what I did. That was her being nice and civil. If your ex now does the same, then you could say he is being respectful and civil. Don't get me wrong though. My ex was selfish with me too and really liked having me around, but I wasn't going to let her have part of me without having all of me.

[lurker74]

Sorry to tell you this but he's been dating other women while you've been broken up. And when that doesn't go easy or well, he reaches out.

 

It doesn't mean that he's an evil person..it means he's human and maximizing his own pleasure. Time for you to start doing the same.

 

When you find out how to make yourself happy without an outside person, it will make any relationship clearer because it will be a choice for you to step into it.

 

Right now, you're not making a choice...you're reacting.