primer Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) I have been with my boyfriend for eight years now. We dated for five and have now been living together for three. (Neither one of us has a desire to get married.) The problem is: I cannot stand my boyfriend's ex. They have no children together. They were together for three years (I think) and she cheated on him. 1) In the past she has belittled me on Facebook. She made comments like "everybody says I am prettier than her." 2) When BF's dad was in the hospital, she sat there with the family every day. When he was in the nursing home for rehab, she visited him every day. (She didn't work then or when she was with my BF.) 3) She managed to get a job at my place of employment. 4) My best friend since kindergarten was separated from her husband and BF's ex dated the husband (after only two weeks of separation). How can this person keep appearing in my life? What are the odds? It is bizarre. 5) When my boyfriend was with her, he did absolutely everything for her, including supporting her and her children. My boyfriend will not do anything for me. Last weekend we were shopping and when checking out I asked if we could check out together and I would pay him $10.00 (my items amounted to that). He had all kinds of questions - like what were my items going to total. I cancelled that idea and checked out separately. When I talk to him about this, he does not respond. I find myself extremely resentful of this woman and getting uncaring about my BF. Is it me? Edited December 8, 2016 by primer
WhatYouWantToHear Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 My boyfriend will not do anything for me Yes it is you. You are the one placing blame one someone who doesn't deserve it. If your boyfriend treats you like that, then your real problem has nothing to do wtih his ex. I think she's just an easy person to blame for you. 1
BTDT2012 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 5) When my boyfriend was with her, he did absolutely everything for her, including supporting her and her children. My boyfriend will not do anything for me. Last weekend we were shopping and when checking out I asked if we could check out together and I would pay him $10.00 (my items amounted to that). He had all kinds of questions - like what were my items going to total. I cancelled that idea and checked out separately. When I talk to him about this, he does not respond. Why do you want to be with him? Seems like this should be a bigger problem than his ex. 1
Author primer Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) Yes it is you. You are the one placing blame one someone who doesn't deserve it. If your boyfriend treats you like that, then your real problem has nothing to do wtih his ex. I think she's just an easy person to blame for you. Is it normal for an ex to sit with the family when a member is ill? Now I feel bad, I did not do that for either one of my ex-boyfriends. None of my ex's showed up when Mom was sick. They didn't even come to her funeral. I think I have two separate problems here. Please, let's focus on the ex. Edited December 8, 2016 by primer
hippychick3 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Is it normal for an ex to sit with the family when a member is ill? Now I feel bad, I did not do that for either one of my ex-boyfriends. None of my ex's showed up when Mom was sick. They didn't even come to her funeral. I think I have two separate problems here. Please, let's focus on the ex. The problem is that you're using irrelevant issues with the ex to avoid facing the main problem which is a man who does nothing for you. You need to face this reality. That should be your focus and once that is, the ex won't matter at all. 3
olivetree Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You feel animosity toward the ex because she is the easier target for your unsatisfaction with your bf. You can wee that your bf does not care about you the way that he should, as evidenced by how little he does for you compared to the ex because this might have some dire consequences for you like.... breaking up. If after 8 years you can't pay for little things jointly or communicate, you have big problems. Let's talk about those when you're ready.
rushed Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Is it normal for an ex to sit with the family when a member is ill? Now I feel bad, I did not do that for either one of my ex-boyfriends. None of my ex's showed up when Mom was sick. They didn't even come to her funeral. I think I have two separate problems here. Please, let's focus on the ex. When my mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend came to visit. He brought my niece and nephew. Even after we broke up fifteen years ago, he has stayed close with my family. He's a good guy and I'm grateful for the relationship he has with my family.
BTDT2012 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Is it normal for an ex to sit with the family when a member is ill? Now I feel bad, I did not do that for either one of my ex-boyfriends. None of my ex's showed up when Mom was sick. They didn't even come to her funeral. I think I have two separate problems here. Please, let's focus on the ex. Depends on the closeness of the relationship
LastAcorn99 Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 I’m sorry about your situation. While I can understand your frustration about the ex, I feel that both you and your BF need to first iron out the issues that’s causing strain in your relationship. Take care!
Mr. Lucky Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Please, let's focus on the ex. I'm unclear as to what you'd like done with her? Unless she's done something illegal, there's nothing stopping her from continuing on the same path she's on. Frustrating? Yes. Actionable? No. Forget about her, focus on improving your relationship. That's the only part up to you... Mr. Lucky
hannahph Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 It is a bit annoying for the ex to come to family emergencies, but it also depends on how close she stayed with the family. It seems like you need to discuss your concerns with your BF. Communication is key in any relationship, without it, it only breeds resentment. Have you ever considered marriage? Best of luck!
BettyDraper Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for eight years now. We dated for five and have now been living together for three. (Neither one of us has a desire to get married.) The problem is: I cannot stand my boyfriend's ex. They have no children together. They were together for three years (I think) and she cheated on him. 1) In the past she has belittled me on Facebook. She made comments like "everybody says I am prettier than her." 2) When BF's dad was in the hospital, she sat there with the family every day. When he was in the nursing home for rehab, she visited him every day. (She didn't work then or when she was with my BF.) 3) She managed to get a job at my place of employment. 4) My best friend since kindergarten was separated from her husband and BF's ex dated the husband (after only two weeks of separation). How can this person keep appearing in my life? What are the odds? It is bizarre. 5) When my boyfriend was with her, he did absolutely everything for her, including supporting her and her children. My boyfriend will not do anything for me. Last weekend we were shopping and when checking out I asked if we could check out together and I would pay him $10.00 (my items amounted to that). He had all kinds of questions - like what were my items going to total. I cancelled that idea and checked out separately. When I talk to him about this, he does not respond. I find myself extremely resentful of this woman and getting uncaring about my BF. Is it me? So many questions... How do you know that your boyfriend's ex belittled you on Facebook? Did you ever consider that she may still have a very close relationship with your boyfriend's family? Did the ex girlfriend know that she was dating your best friend's ex husband? If so, how? Why aren't you focusing on the serious problems in your relationship rather than your boyfriend's sex? It's almost like you believe that you can determine what she does with her own life and that's obsessive?
vla1120 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 If your BF's ex is doing all of this to get under your skin, it's working for her. You cannot control her, nor her behavior - only your reaction to it. It's as simple as that. I'll respect your desire not to focus on your relationship with the BF. I'm curious, though, about whether you feel you are getting the same amount of effort from your BF in this relationship that you put into it, yourself. That might be something to consider focusing upon.
Author primer Posted December 11, 2016 Author Posted December 11, 2016 Boyfriend's ex was not close with his family. It was one year after they broke up that she started showing up. His family did not even know the names of her children.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 The issue is, your boyfriend hasn't cut her out of his life and told her to stay away from his immediate family and to stop invading his space, let alone yours. I am shocked that he, nor anybody else kicked her out the hospital, who did she think she was by being there day after day? Talk to your boyfriend. He has to be the one to tell her to go away. Unless..Hate to say it, but does he still hang out with her and speak to her? If yes, that has to end completely otherwise she will be in your lives forever, causing problems. The choice is, he ends all contact with her or he loses you.
sandylee1 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I have to assume that your BF has no problem with her visiting and maintaining a relationship with his family, because if he had a problem. ...he'd tell her about it. Especially as she cheatedon him. He must have really liked her, to be with her and the baggage of her kids .... then on top of all that ... she cheats on him. He did everythingfor her and nothing for you? I would say he obviously liked /loved her more than he does you. Why you tolerate that is what you need to explore. I would also imagine there's a lot people aren't telling you, because for the Ex to get friendlyafter the relationship ended and his family not to question that and entertain her seems odd. I'd be wondering if there's more to their relationship than Exes. When a BF of 8 years can't loan you ten bucks without twenty questions ... you have a serious problem. Focus on the real problem here. Your relationship.
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