having such a hard time...

[mustangsally]

My ex and I broke up about 5.5 months ago. We were together about 7 months (if you count the "dating", "talking", etc.). He was my best friend and knew me inside and out and me him. He was younger than me though....which plays a huge part I think.

 

We were long distance for a while and when I was about to go back to where I live, he became kind of withdrawn, I called him on it and he dumped me saying he no longer liked to deal with the distance, missed me a lot while I was away, was scared I was going to find someone new and ultimately was scared. He said he had never felt like this for someone and wanted to marry me, but also knew it wasn't feasible at our ages to even think about, so it really scared him. Since I was older, I was sort of "blamed" for the marriage talk, even though it was totally mutual. Outside sourced I think pushed him into thinking that's what i want, when I don't. I also was extremely ill when he left me but no one knew what was going on, so he dumped me also for my "behavior" (which had to do with a physical illness...to credit him, NO ONE knew it was going on at the time). He called like two days later apologizing saying he made a mistake and then he called again saying he had been right the first time and saw me off to where I live. At that time, there was a possibility of him moving to where I live and he said perhaps we'd get back together if he moved down there, but right now his future was really uncertain.

 

So began a series of very weird behavior from him. He had once told me he had a very hard time letting go of situations, especially girls who were special to him (before we were dating, so it wasn't some line). He then repeated this sentiment while we were dating and said since I was the first girl he ever loved, he didn't know if he would ever let go of me.

 

At any rate, he kept calling, etc. and I told him to stop because it was just mimicking a relationship since we were long distance anyway. So we started to stop talking. He still wanted to be friends, etc and I said i'd think about it eventually. He told all of our friends he was REALLY depressed and missed me and was talking to them about how beautiful I was and how he didn't want to hear about me with other guys, etc.

 

So one day we talked on the phone, about a month post-break-up and he alluded to the fact that he already had a new girlfriend. Since he's younger than me, his crowd saw nothing wrong with it and some of our friends didn't really think of anything...you just move forward. But even though he had a new girlfriend, he still was basically saying he missed me and was really, really depressed. But he claimed to me he had moved on and we got into a big fight about it and I basically chewed him out....and then I disappeared after that. In the heat of the moment, he said we'd never date again because I was being so cruel. I looked at this new girl's online journal and basically found out she had been waiting for him to become single and kind of honed in.

 

We ignored each other for a long time, but he would do really weird and random things like show up at my house at random intervals, write suicidal entries in his journal, try to talk to my friends (who blew him off...they all basically hate him), gained a poopload of weight, etc. All of this curiously happened AFTER I apologized to him for my harsh words and explained to him that my "behavior" which he didn't like was linked to a serious health issue.

 

Finally, about two months ago, a friend of mine told me he was moving to where I live. We will be forced to see each other everyday now because of what he has chosen to do. He told all of my friends, but tried to make sure I didn't find out because "I hated him" or something...I don't know what his reasons were.

 

So since he had wanted to be friends so badly, I e-mailed him, short and sweet, and said we should talk. He e-mailed me back and we exchanged some short e-mails for a while. I asked him to call me, which he never did. Some people suggested he was trying to ignore me, but you don't e-mail/IM with someone you're ignoring. Since he had said he didn't see us getting back together during our fight, I was taking it at face value and told him what I THOUGHT he wanted to hear. I said I had moved on and was seeing someone new (which I was at the time...but its fizzled out because that guy turned out to be a nutcase lol). And he wanted to be friends....okay.....so why is this so difficult if you're so over me?

 

At any rate, I ran into him somewhere where we used to live and his family was very warm with me, but he just funny. He didn't talk to me...just kind of ignored me, but tried to catch my eye several times. When I wouldn't catch his, he left really quickly after seeing I was fine and not all torn up over seeing him and looked like he was going to cry himself. I learned he had recently dumped his girlfriend not that long before. From what I've heard, neither of them really seemed to care. She's seeing someone else already I believe. At any rate, he started the journal entries again that were all depressed and "I'm so sad" and "I've made some big mistakes" and blah blah.

 

My point is...I'm having a REALLY hard time moving on. I would be able to move on if I knew I wouldn't have to see him all the time. And deal with the "what ifs". Its just so hard and I've been on another message board, but they kind of just shoved me aside saying first loves/loves in college don't really mean anything. That I'll get over it and he got over it immediately like a 19 year old boy should and dated immediately, like a 19 y/o boy should. I'll find someone else, he's just ignoring me because he doesn't want to deal with me, blah blah...but i don't believe this from all I knew of him. I knew him better than anyone had ever known him...and he does NOT let go of things easily. When I was with him, he was still harping over something that happened almost two years ago...and I don't know that he's even over that. He also does NOT ignore people. Not even his worst enemy. He's a HUGE people pleaser.

 

I've been trying EVERYTHING to move on, but its just not happening. I still miss him a lot. And I miss what we had. Our relationship was literally flawless up to that point, even if you ask him he'd tell you that (he told me that on breaking up with me actually...he agreed with me). And I feel like I'll never connect to anyone else like that...people say I will, but its getting so difficult to visualize it as time goes on.

 

I've really tried HARD. I've tried talking about it, not talking about it, diving head first into all of my hobbies and keeping busy....and it all works for the moment. Its all a quick fix. When I lay in bed at night or stop for a moment, its what I think about and I get really upset. And I think about him all the time during the day....I've even tried therapy....and its not been working. I've also dated several guys afterwards, but I didn't really connect with any of them and I had him on the back of my mind the whole time.

 

Its just an awful place to be, knowing things MIGHT work out, and things might NOT. And I'm just so pissed that I had to be sacrificed for his happiness...or lackthereof. And that I have to be tortured by seeing him all the time now...and watching him flirt with other girls in front of my face.

 

I know he still has feelings for me, or is confused by them, but he's obviously not ready for the connection we had....he admitted it...so I don't know.

 

This is so hard....anyone else commiserate or have advice that isn't the same old? Is there some magical way to become a sociopath? To just not care?

[Samantha2005]

From what I've heard, neither of them really seemed to care. She's seeing someone else already I believe

 

So maybe she dumped him first and that's when he starts back with you? It almost seems like he's keeping you around for those "just in case" times. You know, just in case I dont have anyone else around, then I can always pass time with her. She'll do until I can find what I really want.

 

I think that was happening to me but in my case it was an online buddy. You can bet that I liked him alot but when I figured out what he was up to, I haven't talked to him again since.

 

What would be the sense? If you're getting mixed messages you're being manipulated, just like I think I was being manipulated ... into being around when nothing else was available.

 

I know you like him, I really really liked my friend, but I had to ask myself, is he really the person you thought he was when you were first getting to know him ? No !!! So ask yourself the question and if you get a negative response then don't mess with him again.... no matter how tempting.

[mustangsally]

well he hasn't really been messing with me. I mean I guess it seems like it or he's "keeping me around", but we started talking before the girlfriend and him broke up and he was being weird and coming around while he still had the girlfriend. And he was acting weird that whole time too....like really aloof with me. He dumped her...from the story I was told.

 

He hasn't really been contacting me...only sometimes, but I don't think he's manipulating me at all. I guess you can say if you're getting mixed messages you're being manipulated, but I never got a "I hate you and never want to see you." Or an "I still love you" from him...he's never really gone to either extreme or really let on about either. I remember someone asked him if he still loved me and he was just silent and couldn't answer. Its not like he starts in on me...he thinks I'm dating someone else and is respecting it.

 

And this girl...was really no prize to be honest. Ha, I know that sounds awful...but to be honest, she was CLEARLY a rebound. She was someone he actually told me he would never even think of dating, but she was nice.

 

I think maybe you were being manipulated which sucks...but I don't think that's the case with me or him. He's not that kind of person. He usually says and does what he wants, and in this case, it seems like he doesn't know what he wants.

[mustangsally]

besides that, he got really upset when he heard I had a boyfriend, but just let it fly and backed away.

[Samantha2005]

"...he was being weird and coming around while he still had the girlfriend. And he was acting weird that whole time too....like really aloof with me. He dumped her...from the story I was told. "

 

Well, maybe it's just the fact that he had another girlfriend in the first place. Manipulation takes all sorts of forms. It might be subtle or it might be obvoius, but obviously, he's sending mixed messages. I think this next quote is where I picked up on manipulation:

 

 

"... I called him on it and he dumped me saying he no longer liked to deal with the distance, missed me a lot while I was away, was scared I was going to find someone new and ultimately was scared. He said he had never felt like this for someone and wanted to marry me, but also knew it wasn't feasible at our ages to even think about, so it really scared him..."

 

He dumps you complaining of distance, then you say that he's avoiding you... it sounds like mixed messages to me.

 

"...I was sort of "blamed" for the marriage talk, even though it was totally mutual. Outside sourced I think pushed him into thinking that's what i want, when I don't. I also was extremely ill when he left me but no one knew what was going on, so he dumped me also for my "behavior" (which had to do with a physical illness...to credit him, NO ONE knew it was going on at the time). He called like two days later apologizing saying he made a mistake and then he called again saying he had been right the first time and saw me off to where I live. At that time, there was a possibility of him moving to where I live and he said perhaps we'd get back together if he moved down there, but right now his future was really uncertain..."

 

This sounds like mixed messages to me and to my mind mixed messages equal manipulation.

 

 

The closer I read the more I think it's less manipulation and more evasion at this point. He doesnt seem to show an interest for getting back into the relationship....

 

 

"I hate you and never want to see you." Or an "I still love you" from him...he's never really gone to either extreme or really let on about either. I remember someone asked him if he still loved me and he was just silent and couldn't answer"

 

"in this case, it seems like he doesn't know what he wants"

 

"At any rate, I ran into him somewhere where we used to live and his family was very warm with me, but he just funny. He didn't talk to me...just kind of ignored me"]

 

I really dont know what else to tell you other than it sounds like a lost cause at this point. I don't think I'd spend anymore time or effort on this one.

 

I've made myself a hard and fast rule: If things aren't right and you give them an adequate (not lengthy) amount of time, then chances are the problem is real and, whatever that problem is will only get WORSE not better. ... my life is better now for that rule.

 

Good luck !

[mustangsally]

this is so confusing.

 

half of the people i talk to say he still has feelings for me....and half of the people say it doesn't sound like it.

 

I don't know...maybe I could've explained myself better in this whole thing.

[newbby]

it sounds like he still has feelings for you.

in any case, what do you have to lose by confronting him with it?

or even letting it be known you are single again and that you still have feelings?

only way you will move on is to find out the truth of it.

i too would be confused by this.

[mustangsally]

yeah i agree.

 

i'm just going to ride things out for a little bit and see what happens before I do anything because of a lot of things. Ugh...I hate this :-(