Ex girlfriend is also my co worker

[SerPundnes]

Hello,

 

This is my first post on this forum and english is not my native language, so go easy on me!

 

Ok, so I work at a pretty large company and a girl started working there very early this year. The first month I didn't really notice her much. But after a while I started talking to this girl. From once a week to everyday to several times a day. Our friendship really started to hit off!

We were at a company party and she invited me to sleep over at her place at the end of the evening. Nothing happend this night and we went on with our friendship. I slept at her place at several occasions, but nothing ever happend.

 

I started to fall for her after a few months and I told her I did. She told me that she might see us together further down the road, but for now let's take it easy.

 

The fourth time I slept over at her place, things started to happend and we ended up making love. I thought to myself "Oh yeah! This is going somewhere!". But the next day she sent me this crazy long text that she had regret for last night and that she really wanted us to be good friends!

It made me a bit sad, but I thought "Oh well, guess I'll move on then! I can't show her that I'm sad because of this! I'm going NC for a few days".

 

A month or so passed, and we were at another party together (colleagues meet up). She admitted that night that she had been thinking about us and that she might see us being together after all. So we started dating and were together for about a total of 4 months. And things were good! But I did notice I would give more love to the relationship than she did. She told me that's the way she is, and that she had been abused by an ex and is still having a mental scar from that. Because of the way she was in the relationship I started to seek confirmation of love from her. I did this in a stupid way and started being a little drama queen. Typical by being a bit non-talky some evenings and I would see how she would react. For some crazy reason I thought she would give me more love this way by asking "what's wrong?" and such.

This didn't happend that often, maybe 8 - 12 times all together trough the releationship.

 

We lived at my appartment most of the time (she had her own aswell). One day she told me she wanted to head home for a little while and be alone. I didn't see this as a red flag and thought "Sure, that's reasonable! Of course she would want to spend time in her own appartment aswell!".

 

After a few days I started to feel she distancing herself from me. Typically didn't want to hang out after work, telling me she had so much stuff going on at the moment (she was studying aswell as working). This lasted for a week, we worked out together a few times during this week, but didn't see eachother other than that. I told her I was scared in this current situation. She told me she had to work this out in her head. On the 8th day she told me she wanted to break up, she didn't see this work out. I took it like a man and didn't start to cry or anything. I told her straight out what I felt and told her I loved her and if she would only give this another shot things would be better. She agreed the same night that we'd have another go for this.

 

Things were really good the next three weeks. But then a friday afternoon she called me and said we had to talk. We met face to face, and again she said we should break up. And this time it was for real. I went home to my parents this weekend to have someone to talk to. On monday the week after she picked up all her stuff and we basically wished eachother good luck.

 

She really wanted to be friend with me though! Like we were before. But I told her I couldn't do that, I loved her too much to just be friends.

 

As I mentioned, we work together. It's about 2 months since the breakup and I have been NC'ing the last 6 weeks, not talking to her outside of work and if I see her at work I just give her a simple "Hello" or "Have a nice weekend".

 

And she haven't reached out to me AT ALL after the breakup. I know she's been talking to colleagues like "why won't he talk to me? I have no idea where I have him!", so I guess this NC bothers her.

 

Should I keep doing the NC thing? I still have loads of feelings for her. Some nights I feel GREAT, and then the next morning when I see her at work it all gets reset.

I really feel like she thinks I'm being childish about this because I'm going NC. And I know she gets alot of support from other female co workers. That's what girls do, they look out for eachother! But I feel like they're all "Oh there comes that crappy, childish ex of our friend".

 

Does anyone have similar experiences? I would really like to hear!

How to move on when I see her 5 days a week?

Would she ever want to come back even though she really hates this NC thing I'm doing to her.

 

I know NC is meant for me and for moving on. But can't help to think this is a way to get her to miss me and such.

 

Thanks in advance for any answers! And sorry for long post!

I've been reading alot on this forum, and theres loads of great people with great answers here!

Edited December 8, 2016 by SerPundnes

[Been]

I work with my ex who cheated on me with a co worker. So I don't acknowledge her at all and every time she has to walk by me or vice versa she acts all weird to the point other co workers notice her behavior.

Your doing the right thing just be polite and that's all. You explained to her your feelings so she needs to respect that.

[SerPundnes]

Hi guys, I'll try to keep this one short!

 

Ok, I was dating a girl for 4 months. She told me she had never been in love like this before. We really had a nice relationship.

 

I was VERY kind and loving towards her, did everything for her.

I suprised her with small gifts/doings alot. She really liked this! Got tears in her eyes when I was this kind of "cute" and she couldn't belive how nice I was.

 

We didn't argue at all trough these 4 months. But sometimes I would be a bit quiet and thinking about stuff. She would ask what's wrong, and I would say nothing. This happend maybe 8 - 10 times troughout the relationship.

 

I gave more love into the relationship than she did. It was about 70% me and 30% her. Atleast it felt like it. And I know i should expect more, and it should've been 50/50.

 

One day she started to distance herself from me, spending a whole week at her appartment and not talking much with me. I called her one night and she was starting to be unsure about the relationship. I did the mistake and started being desperate.

After this week we sat down for a talk and she said she didn't feel anything for me anymore, I asked her for one more shot and she agreed that we would try one more time. Everything went back to normal for 3 weeks. Then she wanted to talk again, and this time she really broke up with me.

 

She wanted to stay friends, but I told her I couldn't do that.

 

I started NC one week after the BU, and kept it for 2 weeks before we had a talk. She told me she is frustrated because she dosen't know where she has me. And that I am burning bridges and she said "it feels like you're playing games with me". I told her I needed space and such.

I have gone NC again and are now on week 3.

 

She has been abused in a earlier relationship and said that's one of the reasons shes dosen't show too much love in a relationship.

 

I really miss her. But should I let this one go for good? Get rid of all hope?

I am a bit bothered that she haven't tried talking with me at all, after she told me that she want to be my friend. Either she respected my wish for no contact, or she dosen't really care at all, I'd say.

 

Any thoughts?

[Satu]

You can't have a proper friendship with an ex who doesn't want to be with you any more.

 

It's not even worth trying, because all you'll get out of it is heartbreak and disappointment.

 

She will get together with somebody else eventually, and at that point, her interest in pursuing a friendship with you will evaporate.

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

 

Take care.

[SerPundnes]

- Met this amazing girl at work earlier in 2016. We hit it off pretty quick as friends

 

- Started dating in july after a bit push and pull

 

- Everything was going great, but I felt I gave more to the relationship than her

 

- She wanted a break in mid september, had a break for about a week (I begged a bit during this week)

 

- After this week she agreed to give it another shot, but broke up with me for good in mid October

 

- I was begging and was a bit desperate the first week after BU, but then went NC for about 2 weeks

 

- Asked if we could talk after these 2 weeks of NC, and tried getting her back

 

- Failed big time, and she told me I was burning bridges by going NC

 

- She told me she want us to be friends, but told her that's not an option for me

 

- After the talk I went back to NC, and still am (6 weeks in)

 

- We work together and I just give her a nod or an "hello" when we cross paths

 

- I know shes been talking to other coworkers (females) about how weird I'm acting

 

- Have not spoken one word with her in 6 weeks (only hellos at the office)

 

- Now I haven't seen her for over 2 weeks due to xmas vacation. Really feels good. But got a bit of an setback being back at the office this week

 

- I am really struggling coping with seeing her everyday at work. And I really would like to get over her, but at the same time a bit sad she haven't reached out to me (would like an ego boost)

 

I am starting to think I should switch jobs and move back to my home town. This is tearing me apart.

 

Will I ever get over her?

 

Did she really just stop having feelings for me?

 

Why bother going into a relationship if you're willing to give up after 3 months?

 

Has anyone any similar experiences?

 

 

Appreciate any thoughts on this!

[umirano]

Changing jobs and moving bc of a short relationship that went tits up? Seems a bit extreme. You can't be this fragile. If I'd moved every time I broke up with someone I'd live in the jungle by now.

[SerPundnes]

Changing jobs and moving bc of a short relationship that went tits up? Seems a bit extreme. You can't be this fragile. If I'd moved every time I broke up with someone I'd live in the jungle by now.

Haha, I love your response! Kinda what I needed/wanted to hear I guess.

That said, do you have any good tips/experiences regarding my current situation?

Thank you for posting!

[umirano]

No Contact, and get busy. Have a drink with a different buddy everyday after work, work in female friends, go date, pick up a hobby if you don't have one, put more effort into the one you have. Spend time with family. Maybe you have a friend or a neighbor who needs help with a big project, like building a house, or renovating a yacht. Whatever it is, do something that you enjoy.

 

I stopped drumming about 6 months into my last RS. Now I'm picking it up again. It gives you a sense of satisfaction. Time passes, you can meet people and have something to talk about.

[SerPundnes]

Hi,

 

- Was dating this girl for 4 months

 

- I really was a good boyfriend. Did all kinds of things for her

 

- When we were together she told me she had never been in love like this before

 

- But she broke up with me mid october

 

- She wasn't "in love" with me anymore

 

- I've been NC 7 weeks

 

- We work together

 

- Just a "hello" at work

 

- Haven't heard one word from her since I started NC

 

Often dumpers miss the dumpee when dumpee pulls NC, because all of a sudden they're gone from the dumpers life.

 

Question: How could NC work well when you work with the ex? She dosen't get time to miss me when she sees me everyday? Although I'm not in her life like before of course.

 

I really try to use NC to better myself, but it's hard when I have to see her 5 days a week.

 

Any opinions on this?

[jamili]

Hi,

 

- Was dating this girl for 4 months

 

- I really was a good boyfriend. Did all kinds of things for her

 

- When we were together she told me she had never been in love like this before

 

- But she broke up with me mid october

 

- She wasn't "in love" with me anymore

 

- I've been NC 7 weeks

 

- We work together

 

- Just a "hello" at work

 

- Haven't heard one word from her since I started NC

 

Often dumpers miss the dumpee when dumpee pulls NC, because all of a sudden they're gone from the dumpers life.

 

Question: How could NC work well when you work with the ex? She dosen't get time to miss me when she sees me everyday? Although I'm not in her life like before of course.

 

I really try to use NC to better myself, but it's hard when I have to see her 5 days a week.

 

Any opinions on this?

 

There are other posters on here who have to work with their exes and, honestly, it's gotta be extremely hard. I'm not sure NC would have the same "effect" or not, when it comes to them missing you, especially after a short 4 month relationship... but it still gives you the power to take care of yourself and move forward. I don't think it's "childish" to go NC - what's so immature about not contacting an ex who dumped you? What does she expect you to do, become a doormat? Also, if she's complaining about it to coworkers.. that is childish. She should leave her personal/relationship business at home and not in the workplace, especially since you work there too. That's super low. I'm sorry man, but she's the one who is being childish here, not you.

 

Keep NC, who cares how much it bothers her. It most likely bothers her because she wants the attention, she wants you to come crawling and groveling to her and begging for her back - so she can reject you again, and boost her fragile, insecure ego. Probably a lot of her exes did that, she is lumping you into that unworthy/weak male category. DO NOT give her the satisfaction. You're doing great so far. Just act as confident and not bothered as possible at work, and treat her as if she's some stranger in passing - a nod, smile, and that's it.

 

Next, start dating other women. Get back other there, get on dating sites, etc. This will increase your confidence level and likewise your attraction to other females. It could even attract your ex (not that I advise dating an immature woman like this..)

 

Because of the way she was in the relationship I started to seek confirmation of love from her. I did this in a stupid way and started being a little drama queen. Typical by being a bit non-talky some evenings and I would see how she would react. For some crazy reason I thought she would give me more love this way by asking "what's wrong?" and such.

This didn't happend that often, maybe 8 - 12 times all together trough the releationship.

 

Not exactly endorsing the mindset, but in the PUA world they call this a "**** test". She's testing your frame. Challenging your confidence, to see if you are a emotionally strong and confident in your self. When you are seeking validation of her "love", you are basically putting her up on a pedestal and she knows it. Asking "what's wrong" 8-12 times in a 4 month relationship is not good - it means (1) she's being emotionally distant/losing attraction to you very early into the relationship, and (2) it means you are very needy. Sadly, your behavior likely turned her off more and just made it worse. You are young, and every guy has to learn this eventually. When a woman starts to act distant like that, the best thing you can do is distance yourself too - mirror her interest level. If you do what you did (push) it will make her pull away from you. And that is exactly what happened here.

 

This is another reason why STRICT NC is necessary. I don't care what excuse she gave you about her past relationships or whatever, I can almost guarantee you she dumped you for being "needy". And to sugar coat that even less: Needy means in her eyes you aren't enough of a high value man for her. It sucks to hear it man, but take this as a learning lesson. Perfect opportunity to smile at this, and show her you aren't needy by never contacting her again. The ONLY way to make her ever regret this is to become a high value man, swim in confidence, and become very successful in your professional and personal life. Maybe in many months if you look better, act more like a strong independent man, attain higher status at the job, have a new girlfriend, and make more money - she will start crawling back to you. But, if that were to happen as a result... I personally think taking this one back would be a mistake.

Edited January 17, 2017 by jamili

[SerPundnes]

As long as you want to heal!

 

Read a nice quote today:

 

One day or Day one. You decide.

[Been]

It's always going to be awkward when you have to work with an ex.

When we are at work and 1 on 1 she tries to act nice to me but I just ignore her-I refuse to even say hi. Anything work related and I'll answer her.

But when she's around a group of our coworkers she acts like a jerk towards me. Won't say a word to me.

[LitTunnel]

Dude, you can't badger a woman to be with you. If you constantly tell them you love them before they fall in love with you is a bad idea because women should be doing the chasing, not men. You are chasing her and it's turning her off. Stop chasing her. If you do end up talking to her again don't be so dam predictable, easy and especially forceful. Be playful, keep talks light, tease her a little bit. Banter. Don't talk about serious topics like relationships unless she is showing signs she's really in to you and you'll know without a doubt when this happens. She'll even give you hints like "where do you see this going?" This is translated as "I want us to be exclusive." You have to be the man in the relationship and not some soft wuss only wanting to be in a relationship. What is your rush to be in a relationship with her anyways, she's already with you so what's your rush? You afraid to lose her? Cause guess what, you already did. So stop being so forceful with wanting to tie her down. Women don't like this. Think of women as cats, with cats they come and go as they please. You can't force a cat to stay on your lap. They will leave you as soon as they're annoyed or when they feel like it. But they come to you when you don't expect them too...get it? Just play it cool and stop with all this mushy talk and just have fun with her. Trust me, if you do this she'll fall head over heels for you and you won't even have to try. Good luck!

Edited January 21, 2017 by LitTunnel

[SerPundnes]

Dude, you can't badger a woman to be with you. If you constantly tell them you love them before they fall in love with you is a bad idea because women should be doing the chasing, not men. You are chasing her and it's turning her off. Stop chasing her. If you do end up talking to her again don't be so dam predictable, easy and especially forceful. Be playful, keep talks light, tease her a little bit. Banter. Don't talk about serious topics like relationships unless she is showing signs she's really in to you and you'll know without a doubt when this happens. She'll even give you hints like "where do you see this going?" This is translated as "I want us to be exclusive." You have to be the man in the relationship and not some soft wuss only wanting to be in a relationship. What is your rush to be in a relationship with her anyways, she's already with you so what's your rush? You afraid to lose her? Cause guess what, you already did. So stop being so forceful with wanting to tie her down. Women don't like this. Think of women as cats, with cats they come and go as they please. You can't force a cat to stay on your lap. They will leave you as soon as they're annoyed or when they feel like it. But they come to you when you don't expect them too...get it? Just play it cool and stop with all this mushy talk and just have fun with her. Trust me, if you do this she'll fall head over heels for you and you won't even have to try. Good luck!

 

I don't know if you read my story, but she dumped me.