henderson14 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 So I've been dating this girl for 5 months who was crazy about me. I just didn't feel that connection or spark. I finally got the courage to end the relationship and she started crying and said she would have married me and that she was shocked and didn't expect it. What sucks is she was probably the best girl I've ever dated and she was also marriage material. There was no reason why I shouldn't have felt that spark with her because she was so great. I seem to never feel that spark and fear I might be single forever. I think part of it is I almost only meet girls from dating sites.
jorgeg3d Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) I don't think dating sites have anything to do with it. Its the way it is now a days. As for that spark, I get it. Its hard to get that full on chemistry with someone, it took me 10-15 different try's with women to find one that I had that great chemistry with. Unfortunately it didn't last for me, but the search goes on. It's always better to know early on in the relationship than waiting it out and finding out later that it was never there, only having to end it later on makes things much more difficult for both parties involved. The worst thing you can do is live a lie, and tell yourself it'll get better, if you don't feel it, its not your fault, nor hers. Edited December 8, 2016 by jorgeg3d
Author henderson14 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 I don't think dating sites have anything to do with it. Its the way it is now a days. As for that spark, I get it. Its hard to get that full on chemistry with someone, it took me 10-15 different try's with women to find one that I had that great chemistry with. Unfortunately it didn't last for me, but the search goes on. It's always better to know early on in the relationship than waiting it out and finding out later that it was never there, only having to end it later on makes things much more difficult for both parties involved. The worst thing you can do is live a lie, and tell yourself it'll get better, if you don't feel it, its not your fault, nor hers. I was living a lie. I should have ended it sooner but at least it was only 5 months. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 OP, you did the right thing. The fact that you feel horrible about it is a human reaction; of course you don't want to cause her pain. Think of it this way: it will hurt her for a little while, but sadly there are countless others out there who would've let it continue just to have a convenient source of sex or affection, while lining up another woman at the same time. It is commendable that you're not part of that group. 2
The_Onceler Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 If there is a way to manufacture that "spark", please, somebody, tell me how to do it! Seriously, it sounds like you did all the right things. You can't help how you feel, but by sticking it out for 5 months, you can move forward without spending the remainder of your life second guessing your decision. At the same time, it was only 5 months, so you aren't facing regrets about a life wasted. I went through something similar years ago, and I am ashamed to say that I was unable to break things off as soon as I should have. This woman was perhaps the best friend I have had in my life. We started as friends, but eventually, she wanted more. I wanted her in my life, but there was zero chemistry for me. Zero. I tried to manufacture the spark, but could not. I miss her still (I have not seen or heard from her in almost 10 years), and desperately miss her friendship and companionship. I see her now and again via Facebook. She is married now, and seems happy. That alleviates my feelings of guilt, at least a bit. Be proud that you were better than me. I hope you feel better soon.
Methodical Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 I just didn't feel that connection or spark. I finally got the courage to end the relationship and she started crying and said she would have married me and that she was shocked and didn't expect it. What sucks is she was probably the best girl I've ever dated and she was also marriage material. There was no reason why I shouldn't have felt that spark with her because she was so great. Connections, sparks, chemistry, love, etc. is something that happens naturally. It exists or it doesn't. You're trying to add logic to an illogical response and you likely won't find "the reason" for not connecting with her. You did yourself and her a favor by cutting ties so she can find someone who is smitten with her.
Author henderson14 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 If there is a way to manufacture that "spark", please, somebody, tell me how to do it! Seriously, it sounds like you did all the right things. You can't help how you feel, but by sticking it out for 5 months, you can move forward without spending the remainder of your life second guessing your decision. At the same time, it was only 5 months, so you aren't facing regrets about a life wasted. I went through something similar years ago, and I am ashamed to say that I was unable to break things off as soon as I should have. This woman was perhaps the best friend I have had in my life. We started as friends, but eventually, she wanted more. I wanted her in my life, but there was zero chemistry for me. Zero. I tried to manufacture the spark, but could not. I miss her still (I have not seen or heard from her in almost 10 years), and desperately miss her friendship and companionship. I see her now and again via Facebook. She is married now, and seems happy. That alleviates my feelings of guilt, at least a bit. Be proud that you were better than me. I hope you feel better soon. Aren't you supposed to marry you best friend though? I thought sexual attraction plus your best friend equals spark.
LucaChickaD Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) That was great you didn't lead her on for years but 5 months is a long time to date someone without feeling a spark. I might be a little bit more forgiving if you said a month or two. Also I'm really not trying to make you feel bad but if she knows this is what happened meaning that you dated her for 5 months and you never once felt that spark...there's a chance she is now going to have trust issues with guys she dates. This is one of the main reasons why I ignore replies of " if he didn't feel for you he wouldn't be dating you" where a woman expresses concern that her boyfriend really isn't that into her. I have met a lot of men that do this kind of stuff citing having few dating options ... meanwhile I don't even think I could force myself to drag out a relationship longer than a month or two if I genuinely felt no spark whatsoever. Next time you meet a woman and you don't feel sparks...you shouldn't continue going on dates even if she has a ton of good qualities because she deserves better than someone wasting her time due to the fear of being single. Youd feel hurt if a girl did this to you. You'd be on here posting girl was never into me I'm so hurt on The Break-Up forum Edited December 8, 2016 by LucaChickaD 1
Author henderson14 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) That was great you didn't lead her on for years but 5 months is a long time to date someone without feeling a spark. I might be a little bit more forgiving if you said a month or two. Also I'm really not trying to make you feel bad but if she knows this is what happened meaning that you dated her for 5 months and you never once felt that spark...there's a chance she is now going to have trust issues with guys she dates. This is one of the main reasons why I ignore replies of " if he didn't feel for you he wouldn't be dating you" where a woman expresses concern that her boyfriend really isn't that into her. I have met a lot of men that do this kind of stuff citing having few dating options ... meanwhile I don't even think I could force myself to drag out a relationship longer than a month or two if I genuinely felt no spark whatsoever. Next time you meet a woman and you don't feel sparks...you shouldn't continue going on dates even if she has a ton of good qualities because she deserves better than someone wasting her time due to the fear of being single. Youd feel hurt if a girl did this to you. You'd be on here posting girl was never into me I'm so hurt on The Break-Up forum I did date her for too long and I have normally found a way to end it soon if I didn't feel a spark. I just said "something was missing for me" and I was missing enough of a connection or spark. I was afraid of hurting her and was hoping things would get better for me. I was afraid of her reaction. I made excuses about why I could't end it. I have trouble ending relationships and would rather be dumped and heartbroken than the other way around. I just freeze up and can't get the words out of my mouth and feel trapped. Its a problem for me. Edited December 8, 2016 by henderson14
The_Onceler Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 Aren't you supposed to marry you best friend though? I thought sexual attraction plus your best friend equals spark. I guess we have different terminology. When I said "No spark", what I meant was, "No sexual attraction". In my case, she was really cute, and my sister used to go on and on about how jealous she was of this other woman's physique. So, objectively, she was attractive. For whatever reason(s), though, she was not sexually attractive to me.
Author henderson14 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 If there is a way to manufacture that "spark", please, somebody, tell me how to do it! Seriously, it sounds like you did all the right things. You can't help how you feel, but by sticking it out for 5 months, you can move forward without spending the remainder of your life second guessing your decision. At the same time, it was only 5 months, so you aren't facing regrets about a life wasted. I went through something similar years ago, and I am ashamed to say that I was unable to break things off as soon as I should have. This woman was perhaps the best friend I have had in my life. We started as friends, but eventually, she wanted more. I wanted her in my life, but there was zero chemistry for me. Zero. I tried to manufacture the spark, but could not. I miss her still (I have not seen or heard from her in almost 10 years), and desperately miss her friendship and companionship. I see her now and again via Facebook. She is married now, and seems happy. That alleviates my feelings of guilt, at least a bit. Be proud that you were better than me. I hope you feel better soon. I appreciTe everyone's support. It has been helpful. I found out from her a few days later when returning her stuff that she was getting ready to profess her love to me and was planning to marry me. After 5 months. So glad i ended it when I did. It hurts but I am already getting over it.
whatdeww18 Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 O wow glad you ended it when you did. Like other people have said, it was brave of you to end it at 5 months and not 5 years like some people do... Hmm this is the question of the ages, what does the spark mean? It's different for everyone and for some, they search a life time and settle. Others are lucky to find the one that excites them and keep it alive. Some find it and lose it. It's all about perspective. How old are you by the way? Personally, I don't think the spark comes right away. I find that I build it through getting to know the person, and if we connect on at least a couple levels. I've recently just gotten out of a long term relationship where I had the spark but it turned into love, like love where the spark comes and goes. Maybe for you, it just takes time and a real connection to build it up. Again you won't know without experience, and applaud on you not letting yourself lead this girl to end up having her essentially propose to you. O boy that would have been bad. Also, she seems to move extremely quickly, would have taken that as a red flag.
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