Suffering 4 Yrs After He Ran To Marry Another /after I Divorced To Be With Him

[pacificdove]

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I haven't spoken to him. He lives very far in another state so he visited me for a week after we last saw each other in Feb. this year. I've been distancing myself trying to let go little by little, one step at a time. Not seeing him would help I thought but because in the past we constantly stayed in touch through IM's. it was difficult to actually do the 'cut'.

 

In my case, I didn't meet him as a married man. The situation was reversed. I was married and he was single. We are both at mature age. He in mid 50's and I in late 40's. I was married for 22 yrs but unhappily due to infidelity of my husband (although never caught him with her, knew of and spoke to his 'girlfriend'). In the beginning, I tried to fool myself we were just casual friend. Of all places, we met at McDonald's during early lunch hour. Then, I lived in the same state. This saga began about 4 years ago. I was working for a private firm close by. He was working at the hospital just up the hill from my office.

 

We connected from the moment we laid eyes on each other. I loved the feeling of acceptance and the attention he gave. Simply started over him wanting to know the 'time'. He wasn't wearing his watch and I happen to be sitting a table across from him. Our relationship started to become one that could be trusted. I have never been disloyal or unfaithful to my husband whom I married as a virgin. I was very adamant about being faithful. Anyway this became apparent to me that I can no longer be the wife I was. My kids are still young and while 1 was away in college, I had 2 still living with me in Middle school and High School. He had none living with him. He was done with responsibility. He too was married for 22 years and had divorced 7 years prior. He told me when we first met that he was in a "relationship" but oh...nothing of any commitment type, only the usual 'need' among mature adults. No love, and no commitment. I believed him.

 

3 Mos after we've been seeing each other daily for lunch (that was the most I could do), one rainy day in the afternoon, after lunch, we went to his home not far from work and became intimate. I was so shocked that I was capable to do this and felt extreme guilt towards my husband who was so in love with his lady that he couldn't even 'see' my pain nor acknowledged me. He was home but only physically not emotionally nor mentally. I have been deceived more than 3-4 x that I can remember. I left so quickly and didn't go back to work but instead went home. I showered, then preoccupied myself by scrubbing my floors intensely. When my kids and husband came home, he was wondering why on earth I was doing that during the week-day. I just needed to deal with myself. Although my husband was spaced out, he never mis-treated me in anyway . He did love me. (just never understood how you can love and hurt them too). I too loved him but I had so much pain and anger, I wanted to feel I am desirable too.

 

So, I didn't spend lunches with him for 1 week after that afternoon episode. When he called me after I was avoiding his call the 1st. couple days, I told him that I needed some time. I couldn't accept my behavior so I told him I will call him and assured him it was not about HIM. Well. I did call him after that weekend was over and truly was eager to 'see' him. I missed his company, his love, his attention. I married young at 23 and didn't date except when I met my husband as a blind date at 18 during high school senior prom.

 

Anyway, 6 mos into our 'relationship', I started to notice that the 'friend' my lover was seeing was more than what it should be. I drop by his house at evenings and find her laundry hanging around the hanger in bathrooms and door jams to dry. "oh, she is always working and doesn't have a washer at her house so I am helping her" was his excuses. Naive me, I believed everything or maybe that is what I wanted to believe so much that I was actually buying it. Then one weekend, I went to the mall with my youngest girl to eat at nearby food court when I spotted him with the 'friend'. He looked as if he just woke up and freshened up and came in to have lunch with her. She looked about my age too. She was petite Asian. He sat and was eating with her distant away and didn't notice that I was near by watching and observing. Later I saw her reach for his drink, drank from it, walked to the counter for refill and brought it back to him, handing it to him, cleaning after him after he finished his meals as he was getting up. He saw me, whisper something to her, she walks outside and he walks over to me to say 'hello'. Acted casual. I was puzzled and didn't know what to do. They got bored and thought they will go watch a movie he said and left. That night I sent him a message and asked about what was REALLY going on?

The following day, Monday, he called as usual and we met for lunch. He acted very stern, ready to attack. So the words were, "You are married, if you were single, I would stick to you like glue. I am so attracted to you and I love you very much but I am in the military and I can get in a lot of trouble." In contrary to my inquires about that very issue months prior, which he said personal lives were of no ones business, now he is saying the very fact is forbidden ? So he proceed to lecture me that I should be single if I want to get involved and that he was walking away from me and then he said men had needs and she was just that. It was a mutual arrangement and "No, I don't think I am in love with HER". OK, so 2 mos after this I was DIVORCED !!

 

What transpired between that Monday and 3rd week of March was all his dances about how strong I am to carry this out and how much he 'adored' me for the courage and blah..blah... After the divorce, my ex-husband had to be literally kicked out of our home because my boyfriend couldn't understand why he was still home and not accepting the divorce. He then indirectly pressured me about breaking clean with my ex. So, one evening I kick out my ex. He got emotional, my girls were shocked and angry with me. My ex had no place to go so he got his clothes packed in large lawn bags, carried to his truck and spent the night at his warehouse office, on top of his table. Then, the whole DRAMA began. My ex followed me without my knowledge because he suspected that there must be another man involved and sure enough, while my boyfriend and I were having lunch, talking about how we should now get married so we can 'show' everybody how serious we are , my ex walked in with that look to kill and I had to introduce them, but felt uneasy because I still cared about my ex-husband and quite frankly didn't want to be mean, got up and walked my ex out to ask him what he wanted. He sped off, like he wanted to kill himself. My boyfriend was starting to constantly complain about how I am not putting my foot down, my weakness in him, my kids, how they are not welcoming him enough to have him invited. All I wanted was patience and time to settle the dust. I didn't want to re-marry that quick. The ink on the divorce papers weren't even dry yet!

 

To make matters worse, my ex became violent and called on my boyfriend's mutual military friend while drunk and threatened to have him killed. He actually came over one evening to my boyfriends house after calling him on the phone weeks prior impersonating himself to be the local police to scare this man, and lost himself. Broke windows to get in, yelled and screamed at him calling him all the language in the book, littilerly scared us both out of our bed during our intimate moment, and the neighbors called on the police. Well, months of whirlwind began, from jail to complaints filed by him (not me) because I couldn't put him through this . I still had a soft spot and that broke my boyfriends trust with me because I didn't stand up for him. (so he said)

 

So....to shorten this, 2 mos after this nasty evening storm, he LEFT ME. 1 week after he gave me the keys to his house, asking me to work on commitment with him for the future, despite I didn't want to pursue the legal action against my ex but the law required him to stand accountable being a domestic violence case and the Military barred him from military compound to protect their "officer". My boyfriend RAN away from me faster than the wind. After we had our argument because I didn't want him to continue with the court case of my ex. I was merely trying to let it die so my kids won't be on the worse side of my boyfriend. Maybe I was wrong, I don't know. He started to tell me it was all MY fault, I was too weak and poisoned by my ex's husband's 'control'. He won't tolerate this behavior and he can't see himself being happy with me with my kids hating him forever to blame about what is happening to their father etc.. Then before the evening was over, he ran back to his 'friend'. The "friend" he left so he could be with me. (Time gap between when he left her and came back to her was 4 mos)

 

6 mos after leaving me, he married this "friend". 1 week before this 'marriage', he was in my home, in my bed telling me how much he still loved me ...but..... 3 weeks after he left me, we had lunch because he kept in touch with me by phone at least 1-2x a week. Giving me mixed signals that maybe he wanted me back but was feeling the waters for safety. 4 mos after he left me, we went on a trip together and he visited some members of the family, took me and introduced me as a friend, and spent our first Thanksgiving with his family. All this time, I thought he was trying to 'test' the situation to see if things will be OK. I thought this was a window of opportunity to reconcile. I was fooling myself. 1 week before wedding after making love to me in my bed, that very Monday he calls for lunch and then, BANG, "I will have to get married very quickly because...she needs my hospital care at my facility for an emergency operation and we have to be married for her to enjoy my benefits". (she had one, a minor one !)

 

So we parted unpleasantly. I was devastated and crushed ! You can't possibly fathom the words he said as I was 'bleeding' with pain at the table. "I am not leaving her for YOU!". "I know my weakness and I know my strength, I love you but, I can't die for you and....I love her too". Then told me how my kids will never accept him, she doesn't have the 'baggage' that I did. (have one child who was already married) She was stable, no husband (he died 20 years ago to worry about). But I also knew that she was financially secured, (she was his landlord , that's how they met). I rationalized that maybe he felt 'SAFE & secured' with her and couldn't really be in LOVE, after all, if so, why did he pursue ME, and how come no one really knew of them!?

 

9 moths after this ordeal, I proceed to leave and move out of state to start a fresh life. I had too much! But I heard from mutual friend from hospital that he didn't have the glow and happy look on his face anymore and most people he worked with was shocked he got married. Apparently he really never exposed her as much as he did with me. His kids and family were shocked that he married abruptly and to someone whom he didn't speak of until week before they married. Of course she didn't want to believe and thought I was pursuing him when he made clear he didn't want anything to do with me. (The truth is, he called me and still looked for me, I DID NOT chase after him!). I left looking like the BAD person! So, 9mos after they married, I got an e-mail, On thanksgiving day, saying how much he thought of last years Thanksgiving when we all spent together....

 

Well, we met before he left first to settle a home before she will join him and he uttered the words of apology and told me that HE WAS THE PROBLEM, He was a coward and he said the feeling with wife was no comparison to the ones he had to me and asked me to move on.... we parted with forgiveness. ONE YEAR has gone by.... occasionally exchanging e-mails but always with the underlying tone of how much he missed me, hints that maybe he wasn't so happy after all. SO what did I do? I believe AGAIN... We met a year later, in another state, for a few days, got intimate and I thought again, that maybe he realized he made a mistake and wanted to be with me but just needed some time to sort out what to do. After all, she was a good woman but not quite the passionate one . This went on, e-mails and phone calls (he calls me every week) sends me flowers on occasions etc.. for 1-1/2 yrs.

 

He was here last year for 2 weeks, staying at hotel, while traveling to another state on business, then we met in DC while I was in business, he drove 13 hours to spend weekend at hotel with me (he paid) and He just stopped by 2 weeks ago to see me for 1 week and to spend my Birthday with my kids. He stayed at my place with my daughter they got along very well and he was treated like family. He wanted to see my mother, took her to movie and my sister, mother are appealed by him. He treats my family like he is part of us and my family acts so too. Then I popped the question with lots of guts. I cornered him, what is the intention here? What do YOU want. So he told me that he doesn't have a great marriage and yes, he realized that he was wrong about the assessment about me and kids, happiness blah..blah.. BUT, his marriage is not horrible and SHE is a good woman, can't treat her this way, and walk away when SHE didn't do anything wrong. He LOVE US BOTH ! Why should love be exclusive. Married, and ring doesn't mean anything, LOVE IS.... Can't help the feeling and then told me that he is not stupid that he feels each time, I use the 'meeting' as an opportunity to somehow prove that I do this, I do that...and it shouldve been me. (insinuating that I am using this as a competition to prove I am better). He said why could I not understand the risk he is taking to see me, after all my kids can tell my ex and ex and tell the wife and he's dead meat! Why I can't appreciate him and instead I got to have this and have that...like the rest of the world. So I asked him "why are you married then?", and he said, "because I wanted her to have my benefits because at that time, I had already left you and thought then, that I couldn't be happy with you". he said, "I don't believe love like the rest of the world, I refuse to believe that love should be restricted to one". So I told him that it is apparent to me that there is no future between us. and he asked, "so you really have to have that, can't you not just enjoy this ...our meeting like moment to moment?" he claims there is no guarantee of what tomorrow holds, therefore we should cherish NOW . and also said, "I see us as future, 1- she can decide she doesn't want me anymore, 2-she can get sick and die, 3- the family situation will finally be shape-up or else.." Wife don't care for his family, kids and she does have many flaws BUT she is good woman, and "I love her". Then he said, "I know you don't believe me but I love you very..very..much, probably more than anything I have before but I just can't do that to someone who didn't do anything wrong." "I can't CREATE an event to walk away... "

 

I was not happy with words I heard. I felt like a fool once more! He didn't sleep well that night, he held me and was stroking my hair while I slept, and kissed my forehead all night like as if he was saying good-bye . In the morning night after my Birthday and our talk, he left as scheduled. We kissed good bye and I fought back tears. I closed my internet mailbox and cleaned out his presence. I gave him no hint that I would do this. I ignored his calls for 2 days. He left a message at my office, to say he was home safe after a long trip and loved me, thought of me and will talk again soon. That was over a week ago.

 

Somehow I felt that he called only because he didn't want to be the bad guy just wanted his image as the good man but didn't really want to 'talk' to me. After all, I cornered him. Challenged him which he wasn't ready. Maybe he felt terrible the words he used may have exposed his true intention, (just to keep me on the side). The time he called to leave a message, he knew I wouldn't be in, and he could have tried my cell. He knows that tomorrow is my last day at work, and them I'm moving out of my apt by end of this month. This means, he may eventually lose contact but still I don't feel he is making an effort to seek me. Although I closed my e-mail box, I feel that he didn't e-mail me because anyone in the right mind would have thought that there might be a possibility I will be ignoring him but the only place that I can't practice that is my office telephone. (no caller ID). Still no word of him. I am still vacillating maybe he did e-mail and because I don't answer (I won't receive) he thinks I don't want to hear from him anymore and decided to set me free... I don't know.

 

I want to be free but there is still this small part of me which seeks him out. Hope is still lingering in my thoughts although I feel if that marriage was a mistake, then with an open arm opportunity I gave him, he should run into me. but he didn't. When I said I feel, he can live without me but can't live without her. He said he is not choosing one over the other, that he has no passion with her like he does with me but can't hurt her and don't know how to handle this. I am starting to feel weak that maybe he had the last say....

 

In the past, he was always showing signs that he is afraid to lose me and even before he came to see me this trip, he was having a hard time because I wouldn't allow him to drive 7 hours to come visit me from where he was. He told me he was so afraid that he may not see me before before returning home from his trip. He was away for more than 2 mos to spend time with family while she was working because she didn't have leave to join him. He didn't seem like he was in any hurry to go home.

 

I'm still wishing.....and wishing.... Somebody, please check my brains !

[SoleMate]

Somebody, please check my brains !

I just did. Sorry, the news is not good. I know you are in pain and I do sympathize, but much of this pain, you have caused. You had all the information you needed to avoid this fiasco. I just wish you had found Loveshack back when you were struggling in your own marriage, before the McDonalds man appeared on the scene and picked you up. (BTW, I believe it was not a chance meeting, but that he targeted you.)

 

1. You got sexually involved with a man who admitted to having another sex partner.

2. You didn't work on your primary relationship - your marriage.

3. You let the OM order you around like an automaton.

4. You listened to and believed the OM's WORDS, but never checked to see if his ACTIONS were consistent. (They weren't.)

5. You keep hoping for a miracle which will NEVER happen (him being faithful and exclusive).

 

Hey, don't get me wrong - you are not the only person in this story who has behaved foolishly or badly. Your XH and the OM have not done well by you, either of them. But then they have their lives to live, and you have yours. I recommend you take back control of your life. Don't let other make decisions for you any more.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like he can only love you in a certain capacity: partially.

 

He loved you as a MW. Once that changed you were no longer MW. You were SW. The dynamics of your relationship changed, and he was not interested in what you had to offer as a SW. So, now that he is a MM - he finds that he can have you in a similar way, only this time he is the married one.

 

He doesn't want you when you and he are single and available. It sounds like it is the 'affair' he wants with you, not an actual relationship between two single and available people. As soon as it stops becoming an 'affair', he loses interest.

 

Why did he marry her then? Because no two relationships are the same. What he has with her and needs from her is not what he wanted and needed with you.

 

What do you do? You have only one choice: adapt to the terms of the affair or leave it.

[pacificdove]

Thanks solemate, and LucreziaBorgia.

 

I know the signs were there but at that time, I couldn't 'see' that. All the things he did and said, including leaving her made me believe he was serious. I sometimes wonder if he broke off his relationship with her just to make it appear so with intent to go back to her if things didn't work with me, after all, she was his landlord so she will always be 'there'.

 

What I still have difficulty comprehending is, how could he marry so quickly after leaving me and claim he did it to give her his military benefits and also because at that time he felt he emotionally separated with me out of fear?

Can one marry another if there is a real love for someone else?

 

Why would he come back if the marriage was a good one (9 mos later, and now 3 yrs after marriage) to pursue the old flame, claiming maybe he made a mistake but can't do anything about it because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, still says there is a future between us soon.... (giving all the BS reasons when that can happen) ?

I don't get it, we don't live close enough for him to get any advantage out of this. It's a long distance thing with occasional visitation if he is passing through this state. Why try hard to keep me on, and stay in contact with me?

 

Could it be that he married out of convenience, (no ex-H, kids, and financial) and need to fill the void in his marriage even if I am far away....the thought that he does have 'someone' comforts him? In your opinion, can a marriage with this void last, when he knows that there is an option? It's not like it's an unknown zone anymore after having shared time with me and my grown kids recently.

[suegail]

They always say that actions speak louder than words, and I suppose that means 'truer than words.' He has said he loves you and loves her also, but you more passionately, yet the fact remains, he married her and not you, so what would you consider to be 'the truth?' I think it's pretty clear. He made a choice - with both choices wide open to him, he chose her.

 

Don't kid yourself: He wants her as his wife because he believes he loves her, but he is not free of the desire for you, so his expectation is that he can have it both ways. If you allow this to go on you're going to feel like a total fool in the end.

[newbby]

i believe that some men feel more secure with more than one woman.

as lb said, you have to decide whether you want to accept your role as side woman or one of the women, or move on and forget him.

how is the rest of your life? are you happier being single than married to your exh?

[SoleMate]

...how could he marry so quickly after leaving me?...Can one marry another if there is a real love for someone else? Why would he come back if the marriage was a good one? Could it be that he married out of convenience....the thought that he does have 'someone' comforts him? ...can a marriage with this void last, when he knows that there is an option?

 

dove, you have a lot of questions, but they are all the wrong ones. Now that you know that he is not worthy of you and never will be with you (right?), you should do your best to stop obsessing about why he behaved the way he did. However, all of your questions do have an answer, and it basically boils down to the REALITY that this is NOT a one-woman man, and he wants things from both you and the woman he chose to marry. Like suegail said, he thinks he can have two women simultaneously. Any other details of his thinking, motivations or feelings is IRRELEVANT.

 

Please go NC (search for it on LS), and do move on with your life. Is your XH an option in any way?

[pacificdove]

solemate,

 

Yes I know. I am still in N/C since he left 7/2. He called on the 6th left message, then again on the 16th Friday and today. Said he's been trying to contact me, Hope I'm doing ok, said he loves me and was thinking of me.

 

I've been strong so far, didn't e-mail him, although I don't know if he sent me IM since I closed the Messenger site. (I don't call him) so holding back on calling him wasn't hard not doing. I'm sure he sensed by now that I was avoiding him, he hasn't had a reality check yet. At times I feel I'm being so insensitve but on the other hand, who is really the insensitive one here? Of course, he CAN NEVER be faithful to ONE woman, (so he said..) Do I really want that, NO! I think the W has the worse end of the stick in the end. Awful to think that she's got a prize in her hands, only if she knew what he was up to all these years.....

 

My ex husband is not an option. We get along very well, still help each other and when he visits passing through from business trip, he stays here to visit with my 2 grown kids (one that lives with me) we are very cordial, but no emotional attachment anymore, he has a girlfriend, NO, not the one that finally broke the camel's back but a different one. Been serious with her, very young, only 6 yrs older than our eldest. (yuk...) I think he still cares about me like the way I do about him but no attraction anymore.

 

Newbby, Am I happier? Nah, not really. I have the peace instead of the unsteady feeling I once had. I don't have the fear that he may leave me one day for a younger woman and I no longer feel I have the competition (since he is in another state) but I do feel insecure about my future. I'm in my late 40's reaching 50 soon and having had this awful experience with this other man didn't help especially when he chose someone of unequal value.

 

I have to say thou, I do feel the compassion here and the best thing ever is, I don't have to 'hide' my feeling for wrongful judgment! I do need help, and I'm getting them through strength and encouragement from you all!

 

 

 

Suegail, yes I know... I already feel like the fool . I feel as if this was all a planned game for him! At times I am so angry that I allowed this man to manipulate and carry on with 'empty' words. Yet, with my head I know this, with my heart, I am weak, still carrying a small amount of hope that hope of 'maybe'.....

 

 

Overall friends, I have my moments of regret and moment of strength. One day I wake up feeling like the warrior prepared for war.... then there is this day when I feel so empty, depressed with rock-bottom, low self esteem. Look in the mirror and feel like I've aged all over. "How in the world will anyone want me?" I'm not completely done ! I have a college girl living with baby grand, and my 16th year old to raise, OH..my god, the biological clock isn't helping any. NO Wonder they run-away from me! Those awful thoughts visit me more than ever....sadly....

-

[pacificdove]

After avoiding phone calls from him since he left on 7/2, and therefore no conversation shared nor e-mails since then I finally got an e-mail from him on my regular mailbox yesterday. (I closed out the one WE use together so maybe he figured it out and sent me message on my regular one).

 

He worded in loving way. Not trying to lure me back but just saying that he will understand if I don't want the contact and was asking to let him know at least if I'm doing OK.

 

I got emotional seeing this message. I don't want to lose myself over small question like this. After all, there is nothing I can say. I don't know what to do. If I don't reply, would that be an answer itself? when he left my home after being here for a week, I didn't hint at all that I'd drop out COLD. I didn't like the words I heard the night before and I finally figured it out - HE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE THERE FOR ME, HE KNEW THIS ALL ALONG...

 

I don't want to be so cold-hearted but after all, he INJURED ME AND NOW WANTS TO FEED ME MEDICINE?

 

Please HELP..!

[suegail]

It sounds to me as if he does care for you very much, but as I said in the previous post, he's trying to have it both ways. He wants to be married to her and keep a relationship going with you, and that's just not right and it's not fair to you and especially not fair to his wife. I think you could reply to his email and just say that he is no longer a free man and you don't feel good about seeing him and that it is hard for you to break free of the past if he is contacting you for any reason at this time. Therefore, I would say, no more...that is my advice. I hope you'll take it, because I hate to see you getting pulled into the middle of this and all the heartache that has been and will be...

 

Be as strong as you can...

[SoleMate]

I wouldn't even reply. NC is what will heal you. HE HAS ANOTHER WOMAN. HE HAS A WIFE. HE HAS NOTHING FOR YOU NOW. Use strict NC, close all email accounts he knows of, change phone numbers, block, delete, and discard. Do not let any more of his words in.

 

BTW...those little 2 line emails, after someone devastates you, saying "Just wanted to know if you are OK"...they are designed to soothe HIS guilt, NOT to actually check on you or make you feel better. I hope you can see that. Even that email was self-centered and hurtful to you, like he has been all along.

[pacificdove]

suegail,

 

I thought about the reply as you suggested, but then again, I feel I might be giving him the 'last say'.

 

After all, what can he do if I said with honesty, "no, I'm not ok...because...", he probably will just drop out and say nothing or maybe won't hear from him for a while. So, I think maybe solemate is correct here. IT'S HIS GUILT, wanting to get confirmation to think that 'he's the good guy'... What do you think?

 

Solemate,

 

I was thinking in your direction too. Either way, I won't hear from him again. Whether I am honest to say that I'm miserable or lie and say, 'oh..I'm ok', either way, he will drop out UNTIL when he 'needs' me again. That is what I think. Yes, must be his guilt.

 

I figured if he really DID care enough, and maybe had some serious thoughts during his trip back home (took 5 days including layover), the E-mail could have said something more than just that 2 line words.

 

I must admit thou, I do vacillate between "does he care", "No, it's for him only"...

 

But as of TODAY, did nothing!

 

Help me not to become more foolish than I have already been!

[suegail]

I guess it does make more sense following Solemate's logic: that makes sense to me. It's probably true that he's trying to alleviate any guilt he may feel and if he gets a 'hey, i'm fine,' from you, he can kind of breath a sigh of relief, but I also do think he's got strong feelings for you, and there again is a reason for his concern. And from all you've said about him I have no doubt that if he could do it, if you were willing to accept his way of thinking, he'd see you as much as he could. I really don't doubt that, but given the choice he made, there's no where to go with this but into more confusion and sadness for you, and if his wife finds out there is another very injured party.

 

He made a decision; he needs to be a man about it and do the right thing and stand by the woman he took vows with. If he wasn't sure he wanted to settle down, he should have broken it off with her. It would have been a kinder thing to do. However, what's done is done, and a marriage should be a sacred trust. He has said his intention is to stay with her and that's good, but he needs to stay out of your life. You don't need this emotional game he's playing. You deserve happiness and security and God knows you shall have neither if you allow him back into your life under these circumstances.

 

Wishing you the best...

[suegail]

also, in regards to the short email he sent you, he's sort of tossing you the ball and hoping you'll be the one to offer a more open line of communication...I think Solemate is right....don't respond.

[pacificdove]

OK... I'M STILL HOLDING ON!

 

I'M TRYING.... AND TRYING... I haven't responded !

 

I dreamt about him, still even as a dream, he wasn't really holding on to me. I was sad .

 

I can't but imagine if he even feel the 'lose' at all. I haven't completely accepted yet that he is OUT, I still find myself talking to him, doing things thinking about how he would have liked, and gathering things to tell him about the next time we'd talk....all in my mind, still...

 

I haven't replied, even as I open the e-mail and read over and over everyday. just seeing his name appear on my inbox makes me feel warm. The smallest things, how silly of me!

 

I haven't even washed his pillow yet, the pillow sheet still holds his smell, each night I hug, hoping to at least to see him in my dreams and hoping...that even as in dream I would be held by him one more time. This morning as I lay in the tub thinking, I remembered how we were walking into "Fry's" that I made a comment to him, "I'd like to dance in the middle of the parking lot", he laughed "oh..sure, we can..", but we didn't. It was still daylight, hot and wanted to at a better time. Now, that time will never come. Like a funeral, I have to bury them. All, out of no fault of my own. A sad funeral, where there is no place to lay even a rose, except one you lay within your heart for that is where the tomb is.

 

Friends, I have nothing to ask except to hold me in your thoughts and somehow send me some word of strength!

[newbby]

pd,

you are being really strong to not respond, the guy is an a**hole, like all of the mm that all the ow here are hung up on.

it is good that you are going through the pain, one thing that the ow has a hard time about is getting over these men, because they never leave the ow alone, whether its about guilt, or worried the ow will tell their wives or wanting some more cake eating and thinking they can, they keep coming back, so just when you start dealing with it, they come back and say sweet words and it hooks you back in again and again, you are never left to heal.

what you are doing is good and healthy, its the only way to get over it, he will probably never nc, he will carry on for as long as he can, the ow always has to be the strong one in the end, the one who ends it all for good.

you are doing the right thing, and ride the pain, you will come through and when you do you will be so relieved it is all over and you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

[pacificdove]

Last night out of my moment of weakness I wrote back to him. I replied his week old mail !! How stupid of me... I feel so awful right now. A lot of fear building up instead too. Yesterday I passed my state board exam and I was so overjoyed at finally being able to throw that book out. I buried in my studies for the past weeks to make sure I pass this time. It was hard to concentrate and study because this man is constantly living in my head. I did feel the power, that was the great part and each day, I recite the message he sent me... "please let me know you are ok..", Why did I feel he might be suffering....'ah, my poor man, he must be waiting everyday for my message... ' but I held on right?!

 

Then I broke it last night !! STUPID, STUPID ME ! I sent him message to share the good news, and then I told him that I was doing fine, and yes, I was avoiding because of some hurtful words he said when last here, I didn't feel that I should talk to him after that but, I am fine and don't worry....

 

Now I feel like crap! I feel like I gave him an opening to tell me, "well, since that time I decided maybe you are right, we should stop all contact"... OH.. I'LL DIE, NOT because he won't, or I can't have that little of him, because I killed MY PRIDE, MY EGO, MY SELFWORTH... Oh, how could have I sold out so flat cheap!

 

Friends, what do I do with this damage!!! Why did I the moment I got the news of passing, that I ran out the test center with the first instinct to TELL HIM.... Like he lives inside as a dream person that I hope for...WHY ????

 

I don't know how I will re-strengthen myself now... I am so afraid that (1) He will flat out not reply to even say

"I'm happy for you... I missed you but, I also understand.." (2) NOT GET ANY REPLY, like it meant NOTHING...

 

I'M DYING.... and my heart is beating so fast like I'm hiding from a crime so close to being caught

[newbby]

dont beat yourself up.

this is how i felt last week? when i slept with my exmm again after so long being strong, it feels like you have gone right back to where you were, but (and at that time i never thought i would be able to say this), it tool so much quicker to get back to normal the second time.

sometimes when you do nc, or do what i did and build up a friendship without the relationship, as much as you are doing it for the right reasons to move on from what was, a part of you wonders whether things have changed in them because of what you are doing.

a part of you probably wondered if he missed you, its perfectly natural. a part of me wondered whether he had more feelings for me because of the friendship. however when you go back to contact or in my case sex, all the old feelings of powerlessness come back, when you realise again that things will never change.

thats okay though, sometimes we have to try these things and it is good that we do, it knocks down the fantasies we may have built up, and something has to knock them down again.

its ok, you will recover quicker than you think and you will only be more determined than ever.

it doesnt matter if he thinks its given him an opening or if he thinks it means you are not strong, he will soon see that you are and that there is no opening.

((hugs))

[LadyRLD]

PacificDove!!!

 

You did good. You just had one set back. Delete all his emails and your replies to his emails. Give yourself a break you did love this man. Just get back up and start NC again. Now that you know how you feel once you break NC, it would be easier for you to not break it again NC. Keep your head up, go for a run or a walk. He is not important anyway. So you don't care if he responds or not.

 

You need to start practicing Apathy. Then you won't care either way. You can do this PacificDove. Give yourself time and be patient. Tell yourself you love yourself. And you just slipped up out of love. You can't help it if you have a heart :-) Next time, don't listen to your heart. It always seems to make you hurt more. Listen to your head.

 

Congratulations on passing your exam!!!! Focus on your accomplishments.

[pacificdove]

thank you newbby and ladyRLD.

 

I didn't sleep at all for the past few days. Only 3 hours the most, I feel as If I aged 10 years. I am leaving Sat to another state for a job interview, I wanted to leave here to erase the memories of places we went, the roads we took, this place of mine he stayed in... I mentioned in my e-mail to him that I'm leaving Sat. HE DIDN'T REPLY.... I think he is fed up with my NO's each time for the past 3 times he traveled to see me and now that I admitted that I was avoiding his contact he feels this is it, he won't put up with it anymore and doesn't want it anymore either. Knowing that I'm leaving and he won't know where to find me should have prompted him to call immediately even if I acknowledged his earlier e-mail that I didn't want to be contacted. DO you always LISTEN to the other person is you feel you might lose this person?

 

Well, I couldn't sleep because I felt rejected! Now I feel like I lost !

 

I do miss him so much and wish to hear his voice once more before I leave....I guess that won't happen now.

 

My interview is on Tuesday, I will be going to the East Coast, a long way to be apart!

 

I will keep you posted what happens to me.

 

much thoughts to all...