My EX seems to want to get back with me, I don't understand?

[learningtolive]

Both 23. We have been going out for 5 years on/off. He dumped me because I was always angry with him, which was true to a certain extent. There were very negative cycles in the relationship for years, about a year or maybe 2 after we got together, I didn't think much of myself, I would always dread him cheating on me, or finding someone more attractive etc... I was deeply insecure.

 

For a few months everything would seem to be going well. Then out of nowhere he would start being distant and I found out he was going on dating sites, then I would confront him he would stop or break up, then we would end up getting back together, but I was hurt.

 

I always told him the communication needs to change, when in reality it was so much more than that, looking back I was the only one trying to think of ways to fix things. Then it was him trying to meet up with single women from these sites, her sending him naked pictures, he would deny he was cheating and saying its all in good fun. I got hurt more.

 

Then it was him teasing me about girls in his college course, always talking about women, he never stopped, it seemed like an obsession on his part, he would pull down the car window to look at women, I mean it got more and more disrespectful as time went on, I became this embittered sad lonely person who was deeply insecure, and resented this guy who I called my boyfriend but hated deep down. I had no identity without him.

 

Then this girl he refused to let me meet happened for over a year, it felt as if he was embarassed of me, like he was ashamed. He would tease me about her saying I saw the thong she was wearing or something and waiting for my shocked or hurt facial expression and then laugh or say aw how cute. It was all so demeaning and cruel.

 

After getting some counseling in the summer I realized I am worth so much more than that, I do have self esteem issues but I do not need to put up with that, that the relationship I have with myself is the most important. I still find it very hard to trust people, and am a lot more closed off than I used to be, which I don't think is a good thing.

 

He ended up saying to me he got conned by this woman he kept me away from him out of money, and that I would never plan something like that, that I am a really sweet, nice person, and never take anything off him, that he wants to make me breakfast etc...I really did not want to see him, and don't have much of a desire to see him. I am kind of enjoying being by myself, not having any drama.

 

I contacted this woman he was talking about, always rushing off to be with, always flirting, trying to get with, she responded, In short she said that he is a friend a very good one. That they had nothing in the 2 years she known him. She went on then this paragraph about focusing on myself, that no man wants a woman to put pressure who isn't successful, that I am young and need to think about my future etc...

 

She is right I didn't think of myself for years when with him, and only for the past months decided to put myself first, and it has done a lot of good things for me. It's weird how she is making him out to be innocent though? and talking about me like she knows me? he must have talked about me a lot with her which makes me feel violated.

 

I literally responded by getting a bit more graphic and said well I read a msg of him saying he touched your butt, that I do not have time for his games anymore, that him and I are very different people, and I am a lot happier focusing on myself, and said thanks for honesty.

 

From her part I do think she is not into him, or she would have done something by now. But him I wouldn't put much past, I also think not being successful isn't a reason for behaving the way he did.

 

I know I have changed a lot in the years, and I know think more highly of myself, and realize I can be okay on my own. A part of me doesn't want to give up and wants to give it another go that he might be different, and I will never know if I try and that I may regret it if things work out with between another person and him but another part of me is saying no move on he will never give you the respect love and commitment I deserve and it is a waste of time and am scared of getting hurt again or even worse?

 

Will I just let it go and focus on myself?

 

What is he doing, damage control?

 

I know they say everyone deserves a second chance. But I don't want to be a fool. Would you say he deserves a second chance?

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merge~T

[Raena]

No I don't think he deserves a second chance. I think that if she hadn't turned out to be using him, he'd still be chasing after her and the only reason he came back to you is because it didn't. I think you were right to leave and right to not want to get involved again.

 

I have a feeling that you are considering it only because you loved him and were with him so long. Those deep rooted feelings are hard to ignore. But in this situation I'd say that no matter how much you miss him or want it to work, it more than likely won't.

[Satu]

snip

Now he is saying he loves me, that *the reason he was with her was cause I was bitter towards him, and always angry. He said he was just bragging to his friends, that he wasn't attracted to her but *was lonely cause I always ignore him. He says now that he wants to buy me things Now that she has ended up being a bad person he is invested in me again? The attention he gave me just there was what I wanted for years, but I think too much damage may have been done at this point.

 

What is he doing, damage control?

 

I know they say everyone deserves a second chance. But I don 't want to be a fool. **Would you say he deserves a second chance?

 

*Poor man; you forced him to get involved with that woman... Left him no alternative... What nonsense.

 

**No. I think you should give someone new a first chance.

 

By blaming you for his behaviour, he shows himself to be a person who doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, and thats a big red flag.

 

Your gut has already told you no.

 

 

Take care.

[learningtolive]

I want to find out what really happened I was thinking of msging this girl on fbook saying this. Hey I know you don't me, but I am Alex's ex, we met once at the band practice? Look I know there was a lot more to the relationship than just friends, I've seen the msgs between you and him, him and his friends, and heard a lot of stories from him, which seems like it was all you, I know thats not the truth. I was wondering did he come on to you a lot, or what really happened?

[Gloria25]

Life is too short for this headache.

 

People show us who they are, once they do, it's up to us to decide if we wanna stay or go. So, who cares if he wants to come back? He's already done that only to sidestep again.

 

You both are under 25. You are still growing and maturing. Most people's relationships under 28 go nowhere cuz at 28 - early 30's hopefully people are mature, wiser and in a better place financially and intellectually to make good choices in a mate.

 

So please, take this time to enjoy dating and figuring out yourself and what you'd like in a mate for the day you're ready. This is too much work, heartache and headache with this guy.

 

Also, maybe another good suggestion is to not feel obligated to have sex with each and every guy you're dating - on your path to maturity. Cuz once sex happens, many women bond chemically/biologically, and start making up endless reasons ro stick in a bad situation with a bad guy.

[hippychick3]

The guy was cruel and extremely emotionally abusive to you. You can't do much worse than him.

 

Move on and NEVER look back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens, he was a terrible boyfriend. No wonder you were miserable with him.

 

He wasn't invested in you and didn't even respect you. Commenting on other women the way he did is incredibly immature and emotionally torturous. Being on dating sites should have been a dealbreaker - it's not just "a little fun." He was actively looking for other girls.

 

And as for this friend he wouldn't let you meet? Don't expect her to tell you the truth about the nature of their relationship. Her loyalty is obviously to him, not you. So she will likely say whatever she thinks you will believe, to protect him. Please, stop contacting her. You are making the healing process worse for yourself.

 

The best way forward here is to do some major work on your self-esteem. You are badly in need of some self-love. The fact that you would even consider going back to a bottom-feeder like him tells me you have a long way to go in learning to respect yourself again. When you realize that you are worth it, you will not let users like your ex anywhere near you. He doesn't love or respect you enough to care about your feelings. Find those standards and boundaries you abandoned long ago, and begin enforcing them - for dates, but above all, for yourself.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

What does your heart tell you?

 

Everyone's experience is different. Logically, it doesn't seem like it would be a good idea to give him another chance.

 

But, we don't date logically, do we? We date using our emotions.

 

If you aren't over him, who is to tell you that you shouldn't explore your unfinished business?

[mikeylo]

He is Emotionally abusing you. Has he never seen a woman before in his life? If he is that desperate for other women, dump his azz so that he can kiss as many azzs that he wants.

[Sweetfish]

He is Emotionally abusing you. Has he never seen a woman before in his life? If he is that desperate for other women, dump his azz so that he can kiss as many azzs that he wants.

 

I think both of them lost respect for each other and both of them need to grow up.

[benpom]

I know they say everyone deserves a second chance. But I don't want to be a fool. Would you say he deserves a second chance?

 

I believe in second chances, but not in your case, at least not yet. Because nothing has changed about him.

 

If he is to deserve a second chance, he has to WANT to change. He has to want to be a person with integrity. He has to want to be a better person and commit to doing it.

 

If he does not change, this pattern will repeat itself. You are better off cutting losses early.

[DarrenB]

You deserve a second opportunity at love and finding love.

 

He on the other hand, does not deserve an opportunity that includes your own love and happiness.

[ilovemefirst]

Once a victim, second time a volunteer

 

If you give him another chance, you are allowing him to mistreat you again. Please do not give him that opportunity. Why would you want to be with someone who clearly has no conscience.

If you believe in your own value, you will walk away and believe that there is someone better out there for you.

[learningtolive]

I am 23, and have been in abusive relationship for years, I also have social anxiety which has not helped the situation.

 

I met him when we were both 18, I was deeply insecure, had depression/anxiety issues, and family problems. I wanted to escape it.

 

I recently decided I had no choice but to leave an emotionally abusive relationship for my own sanity.

 

This came after he looked me in the eye many times throughout the years and told me he was friends with a girl that I found he was sexually pursuing behind my back for months. She stayed over etc...I found explicit messages about her to his friends, and to her.

 

I dealt with the emotional abuse for years by just basically letting it in one ear, out the other. I was in denial it was abuse for years, wanted to believe he was just insecure or didn't know how to deal with his emotions. I wanted to believe he was good under it all. I was always waiting for the good moments to come back and would ignore the bed, or cry until they were over.

 

This included him

 

 

[*]Him ridiculing my sisters weight to me.

 

[*]Telling me to stop calling him unless I had something important to say, making fun of me for it.

 

[*]That he isn't going to softly talk to me like my family does, he said he is going to give the harsh realities so I grow up.

 

[*]Him saying "why don't you wear something like that" to a woman wearing a dress and heels passing us.

 

[*]Him telling me I wear way too much makeup.

 

[*]Him telling me if I don't get my degree, he will punch me in the face, then saying it was a joke, and giving out to me for hanging up on him.

 

[*]Him spreading rumours that I was abusive to him to his friends, when I hit him in the back once when I found out he was lying to me again. He ended up banging me on to his bed, smacking me relentlessly, terrifying the life out of me, yet his friends would look at me like I was crazy.

 

[*]Him avoiding all contact with my family, never making an effort with them, then telling me its all my fault I don't invite him over, when all he did was criticize the way my mom kept her house, so I stopped. He told his friends this to, to make me look weird.

 

[*]Anytime I was upset over his behavior and cry, he would make me out to be crazy, and told me everything I said was not true, or I was exaggerating

.

[*]Whenever I had a problem with anything, it was stop with the drama.

 

[*]Whenever I would say something nice about myself, he would say I'm more attractive, or your not smart, I am. He always had to outdo me.

 

[*]He would always talk about how lucky I was to be with him, how smart he was, how talented he was, or else it would sometimes be these random intervals of him hating himself, and thinking he was good at nothing or ugly. Where I would then tell him no it is not true.

 

[*]He would refuse to play a game with me, saying it wouldn't be fun cause I'm not good,

 

[*]He then towards the last two years, would always say your just a woman.

 

[*]Him saying in public or private asking me if I would allow him to slap my forehead really hard just once, I allowed him to do it once thinking it was some weird joke he learnt, naively not thinking he just wanted to just smack me on my face really hard, it was humiliating, he really did put his whole force, and it stung. He got great enjoyment out of it and went "that felt so good". I felt so degraded and disgusting.

 

[*]He once told me that he wanted to smash all my teeth out cause he thought I was so stubborn and it infuriated him. I was shocked, his mom was in the next room, he had no shame.

 

[*]He would use crude language cuss all the time in front of his mom, she didn't care, I was shocked.

 

[*]With that female friend of his, he would tell me weird things that would happen when they would spend time alone, he insisted they did "for music", he would say he saw her thong, they cuddled, he said to her " you seem to really like black d*ck" which I think is a disgusting way to speak, she goes " I never tried Italian", he is half Italian. I would be thinking to myself why is he telling me this. This behavior with that woman was the demise of everything, I stopped being in denial.

 

[*]He would say I needed to loosen up, and stop acting like a princess, anytime I had a problem with anything.

 

 

It was a mixture of this, to then him saying how beautiful I was, how he wanted to take me out for dinner, taking me out to dinner, him complimenting me, him being affectionate, him being sweet, saying sweet things, saying he got me a gift, asking me to hang out, watch a movie, go for a drink, cook for me, planning a surprise,

 

What do you make of all this? I have never expressed these things that happened to anyone.

 

I lost all sense of who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed in my life. I felt worthless, I would walk around feeling humiliated about myself, paranoid that everyone could see all my flaws, and see what a joke I was. For some sick reason all I wanted to do was be with him, as if he had conditioned me. Through all this I did not have one friend. He knew I had social anxiety, he would make fun of me for having no friends, his friends would ask me if I had any single female friends they could meet, and I remember him looking at me with a look of if only they knew, you had none.

 

I was humiliated that I had no friends in my life, no hobbies, no life of my own. I would constantly get criticized for this, but I had no confidence left to care, or do anything about it. When I wasn't with him, I just wanted to be alone. He was my only social outlet.

 

I went back to college last year, and was faced with the reality of having daily panic, anxiety attacks being around people. It scared the crap out of me to have to interact with people, but I did it, and I realized that maybe some of my anxiety is coming from this guy I call my boyfriend. I would be talking to them, and wondering to myself what they would think if they knew how my life was. I realized I needed to make changes.

 

Since I decided I can't have that level of negativity in my life, he has called me non stop trying to communicate, he has asked me out for dinner, for a gig, is always trying to meet me. I communicated with him to see if he could be honest, I said write a list of everything that happened when you brought that girl back with you, he said he would only tell me in person, he ended up saying he was so excited to go the gig with me, I never agreed to go so that was weird, and I never went. I don't feel like seeing him in person, I feel disgusted that I would allow someone to treat me so badly. I feel he is only being nice to me cause he wants to manipulate me so I depend on him again.

 

What do you think of all this? I would appreciate your opinions.

 

How do I move on, when I feel so worn down, numb, and just terrible about myself. I would love to go to one of those meetup groups, but it scares me so badly and in my head I think I will just regret it. I know I need to make changes though, I am just terrified I will fail.

Edited December 14, 2016 by learningtolive

[VeveCakes]

First step after you have left him is to cut all contact.

 

Block him everywhere. No contact whatsoever. Do not see him, you will just fall back into things.

 

Do things for yourself. Get exercise, get a hobby, surround yourself with friends and family and TELL THEM what has happened so they can prevent you from returning.

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of....him, on the otherhand...

[anika99]

First of all stay away from your ex. He sounds personality disordered and is bad news for women.

 

You forgive yourself for getting involved with him. You were young and vulnerable when you met him and got sucked into his weird reality. Now that you have escaped you probably feel lost and like you don't know yourself anymore. You will recover from that but it doesn't happen all of a sudden. You don't wake up one day and feel like "well I'm over that and now I feel marvellous!". It takes time and you grow stronger and happier in small increments.

 

You took that hardest first step by ending the relationship and you should feel proud of yourself for that. Don't be in a big rush to surround yourself with new people. Coming out of an abusive relationship and having serious anxiety you need to feel secure and safe. Do things that you enjoy and be open to getting to know new people but if it doesn't happen right away don't beat yourself up over it. Take your time and think kind thoughts about yourself.

[Nowty V]

I would try this book.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

It may be of use, it may be not. Only you will know.

 

If you are a HSP there is tons of useful information in it, you'll understand yourself a lot better.

 

Try and avoid toxic people and situations. You are important.

[Kerrith]

Re: "He dumped me because ...." Your blame statement is off-putting. Stated responsibly it would read: "I manipulated him into dumping me." Also, "What is he doing, damage control?" Mo betta to say, "What am I manipulating him into doing?" It's all about intention, yes?

[spiderowl]

Be proud of yourself for dumping this guy and don't even consider having him back. He is very abusive. Abusers get away with what they do a lot of the time because they dress it up (wrap it up) in nice things - a bit of love here and there, a few nice comments - then the rest is sheer misery and pain.

 

Please don't make the mistake others have done and only remember the good. It sounds like you are not going to do that (thankfully). Please also do not make the mistake of going back into the situation because of a need for resolution or to try to solve the problems. You can't solve them: they are down to his abusive character and he is not going to change. If he does anything, he will seek a woman who he can abuse, that's what he depends on.

 

Of course he wants you back under his control? He wants to go back to his old ways. He is addicted to abusing you. Don't give him the opportunity. People who go through trauma do often feel the need to relive it to try to create a better outcome second time round. It is a strange compulsion and it is the worst reason in the world to go back to a guy who mistreats you.