zack9292 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 3.5 years, engaged for 1, relationship was great and she never complained to me about not being happy in the relationship or not happy with me. Constantly asking me to promise never to leave her and that we'd be together forever yada yada. She had been a bit distant the past few months, bit of hot and cold wanting to spend time/be intimate. Out of nowhere she needs to spend time alone to sort through confusion and doesn't know if our future is together. She leaves for her mums and we barely stay in contact and she gives me no indication about us besides she doesn't know. About 2-3 weeks later I find out on my own she was cheating, romantically involved with another guy online. She had been speaking to him the months she seemed distant, after telling me she needed to go away she professes to wanting to do more with him and how in love they were together and they romanced online together (just text based crap) while I was at home taking care of our lives and her 4 cats for those 2-3 weeks. I confronted her, she broke down admitting she didn't know what she was doing. I told her I can forgive her but it dependa on her. I go to meet her and we decide to break up because she feels something is missing in the relationship even though she still loves and wants to be with me. She wants to stay friends. I tell her I won't stick around in any capacity if she continues talking to this person. He was basically initially telling her emotional infidelity was ok as long as you dont act on it while pushing for more. I tell her that is clearly not a good person, that she lost herself with him and that should be enough for her to cut him off even if my involvement in her life wasn't on the line. She agreed she needed to cut him off. I forgive her for her mistakes, which she also agreed were mistakes and she was clearly broken up about how she strung me along. I leave and we agree to NC. After a week I ask her if she has cut him off and she says no. She was still talking to him, although infrequently and only in the capacity of friends. she tried to damage control it best she could and admitted she would be worried I'd trash all her ****. Upset, I tell her I don't forgive her now and once we transition out of each others lives I want nothing to do with her until she realizes how monstrously she treated me. She has clearly chose this fantasy text based romance bull**** over all the commitments she made and me, knowing the hurdles we'd face dividing our lives. It was immature and naive. She said sorry but I dont think it's good enough... but I also know that holding onto resentment damages ourselves... but she clearly doesn't deserve forgiveness. Do I just live with that pit in my stomach of what she did until maybe one day she tries to do the right thing?
BC1980 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 People always want to rush forgiveness. I didn't even consider forgiveness until a year after my breakup. It really depends on what forgiveness means to you. To me, forgiveness means you have let go of the debt because you can't repay an emotional hurt. The only way to let go of an emotional scar is to move on from the hurt, which takes awhile. I'd table the forgiveness until you go through the other stages of grief.
Been Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 She assures everything is fine and then has an affair on you WHILE engaged to you. You forgive her but basically tell her to cease contact but she DOESNT. The real question is how long are you going to tolerate her doing that? You already gave her a chance and she STILL messed it up. How many chances are you going to give someone to keep screwing you over???? 1
Been Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 And from my experience the same thing happened to me. I was told how great everything was. The. She started getting distant(cheating). I caught her. Forgave her. Repeat SIX times. In the end I wasted so much time trying to get someone to love me I exhausted myself physically and emotionally. Someone does not have an AFFAIR on you if they truly love you- that's what you have to grasp and I know it's hard be basically it puts into question EVERYTHING that person told you. And it's going to hurt like hell. Your go through a gauntlet of emotions. But you have to realize what she did is simply not forgivable.You deserve better. 1
BAcK Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Forgive her but only to be able to get rid of that resentment. Logically you already know what to do. Do not get entangled in her mind games. This is a vicious cycle and this will go on as long as you let it go on. You have already told her what you feel and she does not respect it. So do what you have to do. Forgive her and move on. If you still hold a grudge against her you will not be able to get on with your life. Get away from such an inconsistency and look for someone who will bring stability in your life.
LucaChickaD Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 No have some self-respect. She just going to keep doing this to you. And she was not happy in the relationship she just was not communicating the issues with you. Not your fault she's not going to be in a successful relationship ever if she can't communicate. you don't want to be with someone like that
Chi townD Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 She made a choice and, unfortunately, it wasn't you. That was HER choice. Not yours. So, why would you want to hang around a person that tossed you away? It's time to move on, dude. If i were you, I would bag up her belongings and then drop them off at her mothers. You need to remove anything that is going to remind you of the two of you. You need to start NC on her. Full "No Contact". It's time to heal. You and her stated that she made a mistake. Well, that's a mistake that she'll have to live with because you don't have to. 1
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