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Chahy377

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Chahy377 Member

Chahy377

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I just went through the most bizarre experience. I was seeing a guy, we were just friends, but at an outing he was all over me (no kissing, no sex) but very touch feely...Afterwards he didn't really follow up on it, so I let it go. A few months later he started to ask me to go different places, texted a lot, talked on the phone...it was really cool and lasted for about a couple weeks....at dinner one night we were pretty heavy talking about relationships so I just asked him what category I was in. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship now and that we should be just good platonic friends...He said he enjoyed spending time/talking with me and wanted to continue learning about each other. I was like ok cool.

 

I kept things friendly but I noticed he started to be disengaged, ignore some texts, and not want to talk. So i was really nonconfrontational and told him maybe we should go separate ways...he said he didn't want that. I ended up inviting him over to watch movies, he initiated making out with me. We didn't have sex, but it got pretty far and afterwards he started to act funny...he said he wanted to continue, but I didn't hear from him for 4 days. I told him we should just be friends and not doing anything sexual, it was totally cool. He told me I should be honest with him, I told him he was inconsistent and confusing. He basically said that he was intentionally being distant, disengaged, because he thought I liked him. He said I should've approached him to ask why he was acting like that and not jump to conclusions. He said he was being selfish right now and only wanted to talk/be engaged when he wanted...I didn't know that. He said he was only physically attracted to me and had 0% romantic interest. He wanted to have a sexual relationship still.

 

I was kinda shocked, as I feel like I saw his actions, decided they weren't for me and tried to separate, yet was told I was being unreasonable in thinking he was acting distant....but my assumptions were right. I acted like a friend and he was the one that always initiated the physical and kept changing his mind. Not me. I feel like I've been put on a roller coaster.

 

Am I weird to think this whole experience has been strange, know new extreme. It really took me aback when he said he had 0 interest in me...I thought he at least liked me a little bit. Is it possible to have various levels of romantic like? Basically like someone but know you don't not want to be in a relationship with them? This guy said zero. Zero.

  • Like 3
gorf Established Member

gorf

Posted
Posted

You aren't weird at all. He wanted sex. He wanted a physical arrangement with you, and thats it. He pushed you away hoping you would pull him back in desperation, give him sex to keep him there, and let it be that. Its good you stood your ground and saw it coming, so many other women dont see that tactic until its too late, and then they are left wondering if they guy they are with who is using premature language like "I love you" "you are my only one" etc and all this... but wondering if he is just with them for sex. you nipped the bud at the right time, so pat yourself on the back :)

  • Like 4
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

He isn't relationship material, and he isn't friend material either, so don't waste any more of your time on him.

 

He sounds like a total phoney to me.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 7
Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

Posted
Posted
I just went through the most bizarre experience. I was seeing a guy, we were just friends, but at an outing he was all over me (no kissing, no sex) but very touch feely...Afterwards he didn't really follow up on it, so I let it go. A few months later he started to ask me to go different places, texted a lot, talked on the phone...it was really cool and lasted for about a couple weeks....at dinner one night we were pretty heavy talking about relationships so I just asked him what category I was in. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship now and that we should be just good platonic friends...He said he enjoyed spending time/talking with me and wanted to continue learning about each other. I was like ok cool.

 

I kept things friendly but I noticed he started to be disengaged, ignore some texts, and not want to talk. So i was really nonconfrontational and told him maybe we should go separate ways...he said he didn't want that. I ended up inviting him over to watch movies, he initiated making out with me. We didn't have sex, but it got pretty far and afterwards he started to act funny...he said he wanted to continue, but I didn't hear from him for 4 days. I told him we should just be friends and not doing anything sexual, it was totally cool. He told me I should be honest with him, I told him he was inconsistent and confusing. He basically said that he was intentionally being distant, disengaged, because he thought I liked him. He said I should've approached him to ask why he was acting like that and not jump to conclusions. He said he was being selfish right now and only wanted to talk/be engaged when he wanted...I didn't know that. He said he was only physically attracted to me and had 0% romantic interest. He wanted to have a sexual relationship still.

 

I was kinda shocked, as I feel like I saw his actions, decided they weren't for me and tried to separate, yet was told I was being unreasonable in thinking he was acting distant....but my assumptions were right. I acted like a friend and he was the one that always initiated the physical and kept changing his mind. Not me. I feel like I've been put on a roller coaster.

 

Am I weird to think this whole experience has been strange, know new extreme. It really took me aback when he said he had 0 interest in me...I thought he at least liked me a little bit. Is it possible to have various levels of romantic like? Basically like someone but know you don't not want to be in a relationship with them? This guy said zero. Zero.

 

 

In short answer... YES.

 

In my personal experience, guys can have PHYSICAL attraction to you, but NOT want a romantic/emotional relationship or attachment to you.

 

I know for us as women it usually works the opposite way (typically if we're really attracted to a man, then usually we're also emotionally attracted/invested as well), but for men it is different.

 

It sounds to me that he just liked the idea of hanging out and getting HIS needs met (talking, being in the company of an attractive woman, possibly having his sexual needs being taken care of), but not actually having a relationship with you.

 

Usually there are signs when a man wants nothing more than just sex, and unfortunately he fits the description. :(

 

I also find it strange/kind of cruddy how he admitted that he was deliberately trying to be distant because he assumed you liked him. How did he get that impression? (just curious) Were you showing a lot of signs that you were interested in him?

 

Anyway, I agree with the others... This guy doesn't seem like a good match for you. Doesn't seem like a good "friend" either. I say ditch him as a romantic prospect and a friend. It will save you heartache. Now, if you just want a casual FWB situation, then by all means help yourself. But if you want something more, then ditch him. It will only cause you regret in the long run.

  • Like 1
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Chahy377 Member

Chahy377

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In short answer... YES.

 

In my personal experience, guys can have PHYSICAL attraction to you, but NOT want a romantic/emotional relationship or attachment to you.

 

I know for us as women it usually works the opposite way (typically if we're really attracted to a man, then usually we're also emotionally attracted/invested as well), but for men it is different.

 

It sounds to me that he just liked the idea of hanging out and getting HIS needs met (talking, being in the company of an attractive woman, possibly having his sexual needs being taken care of), but not actually having a relationship with you.

 

Usually there are signs when a man wants nothing more than just sex, and unfortunately he fits the description. :(

 

I also find it strange/kind of cruddy how he admitted that he was deliberately trying to be distant because he assumed you liked him. How did he get that impression? (just curious) Were you showing a lot of signs that you were interested in him?

 

Anyway, I agree with the others... This guy doesn't seem like a good match for you. Doesn't seem like a good "friend" either. I say ditch him as a romantic prospect and a friend. It will save you heartache. Now, if you just want a casual FWB situation, then by all means help yourself. But if you want something more, then ditch him. It will only cause you regret in the long run.

 

I just have never had anyone say those kinds of things to me before. And no, I didn't act like I was overly into him/in love because he said we should just be platonic friends....he even said that I didn't act like that. He said he felt like I liked him because I wanted to part ways after he started to act weird. But that was because he was being a rude person, and ignoring me/distancing himself which he basically admitted to. I tried to explain to him I would've done that to any friend I had, but he was convinced it was because I liked him.

 

He was very apologetic in a lot of ways, and said he was going through a "phase". I was super attracted to him physically but after he said all that stuff to me, it killed any kind of desire I had for him. I feel like you can be in a sex arrangement but still have genuine like for someone....I think it's what makes it fun/passionate/exciting. But I can't do that with someone who treated me like that and then has 0 interest

 

I told him no to the physical, but He wanted to stay friends. Hearing you guys say he was a crappy friend is making me rethink it....

  • Like 1
Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

Posted
Posted
I just have never had anyone say those kinds of things to me before. And no, I didn't act like I was overly into him/in love because he said we should just be platonic friends....he even said that I didn't act like that. He said he felt like I liked him because I wanted to part ways after he started to act weird. But that was because he was being a rude person, and ignoring me/distancing himself which he basically admitted to. I tried to explain to him I would've done that to any friend I had, but he was convinced it was because I liked him.

 

He was very apologetic in a lot of ways, and said he was going through a "phase". I was super attracted to him physically but after he said all that stuff to me, it killed any kind of desire I had for him. I feel like you can be in a sex arrangement but still have genuine like for someone....I think it's what makes it fun/passionate/exciting. But I can't do that with someone who treated me like that and then has 0 interest

 

I told him no to the physical, but He wanted to stay friends. Hearing you guys say he was a crappy friend is making me rethink it....

 

Hmm...that is weird. Definitely getting mixed signals from him. Not "mixed" as in difficult to read, but more so "mixed" in that he seems to be saying one thing, and then saying something totally different the next.

 

Anyway, if I were you I would just forget about it.

 

He may not even be ready for a relationship with ANYBODY at this moment. But the right guy who wants a real relationship with you will treat you MUCH better. Honestly, I think you could do much better....relationship-wise and even "friendship"-wise.

 

I personally don't know if I would stay friends with him unless we really were just good friends for a long time prior to this little "mix-up".... Otherwise, what would be the point?

 

I feel like he would just be blowing hot and cold.

 

Anyway, sometimes when we like someone we tend to over-think a LOT of their actions. Could it be that maybe he wasn't necessarily ignoring you, but was just busy with his own stuff? I mean, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what he was doing that was giving you the impression he was ignoring you or acting distant. Was he ignoring your messages? Never contacting you? Blowing you off when you wanted to hang out?

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted (edited)

snip

 

I told him no to the physical, but He wanted to stay friends. Hearing you guys say he was a crappy friend is making me rethink it....

 

I'm not sure that its even possible to 'agree' to be friends.

 

A friendship is something that develops organically over time.

 

He was really talking about acquaintanceship, which is one click below friendship.

 

Acquaintance:

 

noun

 

1. A person known to one, but usually not a close friend.

 

2. The state of being acquainted or casually familiar with someone or something.

 

A true friendship is a very deep and profound thing. A wonderful thing.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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Chahy377 Member

Chahy377

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Hmm...that is weird. Definitely getting mixed signals from him. Not "mixed" as in difficult to read, but more so "mixed" in that he seems to be saying one thing, and then saying something totally different the next.

 

Anyway, if I were you I would just forget about it.

 

He may not even be ready for a relationship with ANYBODY at this moment. But the right guy who wants a real relationship with you will treat you MUCH better. Honestly, I think you could do much better....relationship-wise and even "friendship"-wise.

 

I personally don't know if I would stay friends with him unless we really were just good friends for a long time prior to this little "mix-up".... Otherwise, what would be the point?

 

I feel like he would just be blowing hot and cold.

 

Anyway, sometimes when we like someone we tend to over-think a LOT of their actions. Could it be that maybe he wasn't necessarily ignoring you, but was just busy with his own stuff? I mean, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what he was doing that was giving you the impression he was ignoring you or acting distant. Was he ignoring your messages? Never contacting you? Blowing you off when you wanted to hang out?

 

So basically he went from inviting me to places, 2 hour phone convos, wanting to engage in text conversations, to ignoring texts, one or two word replies, not wanting to engage in conversation, and not initiating any conversation/texts. This was when he said we should be good friends...and that he enjoyed my company and conversation. I didn't do anything excessive, I was just continuing with how things had been before. When I saw this pattern...which I had seen before with him, I told him that it was best for us to go our separate ways..I was very polite about it, and gave him a ton of compliments and well wishes. He wanted to talk immediately after I sent the message...and said that me wanting to move on meant that I liked him....I was like nahhhhh it means that I don't accept that type of hehavior from anyone, friend, acquaintance, etc. He didn't really get that

 

I've had a hard time with this...I really thought he had liked me

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Chahy377 Member

Chahy377

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snip

 

 

I'm not sure that its even possible to 'agree' to be friends.

 

A friendship is something that develops organically over time.

 

He was really talking about acquaintanceship, which is one click below friendship.

 

Acquaintance:

 

noun

 

1. A person known to one, but usually not a close friend.

 

2. The state of being acquainted or casually familiar with someone or something.

 

A true friendship is a very deep and profound thing. A wonderful thing.

 

 

Take care.

 

Yeah so I think you're right....sigh. When we were friends he didn't really seem that into developing our friendship even though he said that was what he wanted

  • Like 1
thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
Posted
Yeah so I think you're right....sigh. When we were friends he didn't really seem that into developing our friendship even though he said that was what he wanted

 

Yeah I've had that before. Some guys just say it like a canned phrase they use with every girl they aren't as interested in.

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted

Guys like him give the rest of us a bad name.

 

 

He's the type of guy who wants a sex partner and nothing more.

 

 

Some kind of "good platonic friend" he is!

Methodical Established Member

Methodical

Posted
Posted

He finds you physically attractive and wants a booty call with zero commitment. Time to boot him.

  • Like 1
Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

Posted
Posted (edited)
So basically he went from inviting me to places, 2 hour phone convos, wanting to engage in text conversations, to ignoring texts, one or two word replies, not wanting to engage in conversation, and not initiating any conversation/texts. This was when he said we should be good friends...and that he enjoyed my company and conversation. I didn't do anything excessive, I was just continuing with how things had been before. When I saw this pattern...which I had seen before with him, I told him that it was best for us to go our separate ways..I was very polite about it, and gave him a ton of compliments and well wishes. He wanted to talk immediately after I sent the message...and said that me wanting to move on meant that I liked him....I was like nahhhhh it means that I don't accept that type of hehavior from anyone, friend, acquaintance, etc. He didn't really get that

 

I've had a hard time with this...I really thought he had liked me

 

Wow... Well, idk how long you have known this guy, but two hour phone conversations are a bit much (even for me--I love talking on the phone!) for a new person that you're getting to know. Especially for a guy...unless he's seriously dating you.

 

Even lengthy or frequent text messages in the beginning can be overwhelming to a brand new relationship...with anyone..platonic or not. I think the OVER leniency of texting has unfortunately made ppl feel like they should have 24 hour access to others and I'm sorry but I just don't subscribe to that belief.

 

Who knows, maybe he got turned off from something you said in one of your text messages or during your 2-Hour Phone session. It sucks, but sometimes guys won't always come right out and tell you why they don't see you as gf material..they'll just do what I call the "slow fade...". It sucks, but sometimes you just have to move on.

 

You did the right thing in trying to cut things off with him. Good for you. But you seem like a nice girl, so maybe he felt like he could just play the victim or keep you as a "friend" so that he could have access to you whenever HE felt like he wanted to hook up.

 

Personally, that's not the type of relationship or even "friendship" that I'm looking for. At my age, I'm looking for a husband. I don't have time to play that FWB crap. Either you want a relationship, or you dont .

 

Either way, if I were you I would definitely just leave this situation. You're right, in some FWB cases at least the two people LIKE each other. The way he's acting lately, I don't even get the impression that he even really likes you as a person.

 

Save your time, energy and self pride and find a decent guy who actually acts like he likes to spend time with you and responds back to your text messages. ;). This guy sounds like he'll just give you a bunch of wondering and decoding of his behavior.

Edited by Mystique01
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

It sounds to me like he is seeing someone else, and comes around to you when he's not getting attention from her.

 

Either way, don't bother trying to be friends or anything else with him. He seems like an opportunist.

  • Like 1
gorf Established Member

gorf

Posted
Posted

 

He was very apologetic in a lot of ways, and said he was going through a "phase".

 

You were part of his faze. I know he confused you and your feelings, but honestly that was what he wanted to do. It just didn't give him the results he wanted. Hes gone, and good riddance. This guy deserves to pay for sex on the street corner, not to manipulate someone into it like he tried with you.

Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

Posted
Posted
It sounds to me like he is seeing someone else, and comes around to you when he's not getting attention from her.

 

Either way, don't bother trying to be friends or anything else with him. He seems like an opportunist.

 

I was thinking this too.... I didn't want to say anything, but yea that sounds like it could be a possibility.

 

I know I had an experience with a guy who was like this, and he liked another girl a LOT more than me, but always kept me as an "option" on the backburner. I was sooo into him and kind of naive in my 20's so I (foolishly) thought he liked me when he would keep coming around, be up and down, seemed attracted to me, etc. So silly me, I would fall for his excuses all the time. He would only come to me when the "main" girl he liked wasn't giving him attention, or if they had a fight, or whatever. He just came around to me for attention. He knew I liked him, and I was super nice (and naive), so I was easy attention for him. I would get upset and always want to cut things off, but I always fall for his charms.

 

In reality I should have given him the boot so much sooner. :mad: But I learned from my lesson.

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Chahy377 Member

Chahy377

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So I guess the consensus is that I shouldn't continue to be friends with him and that I should drop him...I feel kinda dumb now cuz I really had felt like he was genuinely sorry and didn't know/understand what he was doing and how confusing he was being....he kept saying that he's never had a fling before and didn't know how to do it without hurting people blah blah blah....but I feel like as adults we know how to treat one another and how certain things can be perceived/interpreted. Also we should know how to be considerate to others and basic human interactions.

 

I had also thought about explaining to him why I'm the way I am and why I perceived things a certain way...since he's shared with me everything about him, and has expected me to be so accommodating of him and his wants. But I guess that's not a good ideA

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