She wants to slow things down after a month of dating?

[surfride]

In a confusing situation with girl I've been dating for a month and known for 3 months. We started having sex a month ago and it felt like we were on the same page. She suddenly shifted mood about a week ago and said we need to stop physical things. She felt like sex was too soon and the relationship was moving too fast because we don't really know each other well enough. She told me its all her because she's a cautious person and fearful of commitment. I was upset but just agreed with her that we should take it slow if she's concerned but I told her I do like her. She said were in a "grey" area between friendship and dating and that I shouldn't see it as black and white.

 

My gut has been telling me to distance myself away from her but she keeps reaching out to me and gets really upset when I pull away (i.e. choosing to go to friends house instead of being with her). We communicate very well which I appreciate and it sounds like her previous relationships started out too fast and then burned out and she wants to take it slow to make sure we are compatible beyond sex. She felt like guys just used her for her body. I feel like I make it clear I like her beyond that...

 

The problem with this is I can't help feel like I'm just being manipulated, like she feeds off my attention and we will be going slow indefinitely. That this grey area isnt as complicated as it seems and that she doesn't like me. At the same time I know that if I'm pushy with a relationship she will freak out. I appreciate her honesty but this is kind of killing my attraction to her because I feel like she doesn't like me. I also don't know how I'm supposed to behave around her now, like a friend or a boyfriend as I was before? The whole situation makes me feel controlled. Help me out.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, I think it was very irresponsible of her to have had sex with you when she already knew she had issues with partners using her for just sex never mind her own admission of having commitment issues. What's done is done now.

 

 

I can't speak for her or for other women who do this but whenever I've decided to pump the breaks on a buddy relationship, particularly after having had sex where I've essentially taken sex off the table, it's because I'm not feeling it :/

 

It's really that simple.

 

I'm either too afraid to admit it to myself or to him or I'm trying to figure out how I salvage what we have (especially if he is a 'nice' guy) while I figure out what I really want.

 

I might be wrong and for your sake I hope I am but that's my perspective. Regardless, you are probably right to think this grey area could go on for much longer than you're willing to wait for. Effectively friendzoned.

 

Good luck.

[joseb]

Sounds like she has had her fun and now she's done.

Sorry.

[Saracena]

She felt like sex was too soon and the relationship was moving too fast because we don't really know each other well enough..

 

We communicate very well which I appreciate and it sounds like her previous relationships started out too fast and then burned out and she wants to take it slowly to make sure we are compatible beyond sex. She felt like guys just used her for her body. I feel like I make it clear I like her beyond that....

 

How old are you two?

 

This. I reckon chances are she's telling the truth, having been in a similar position myself once, where things one night went much further physically with someone I was very attracted to, than I'd normally permit, not for all the reasons cited by your girlfriend ie feeling she was used purely for sex before but because I much prefer to get to KNOW the person I'm dating BEFORE I have sex with them. When sex enters the equation it can cloud things. Basically she's looking for reassurance from you that you're not like the other guys. Therefore I can fully understand why she gets upset when you're pulling away. It could well be confirming in her mind that you're not that invested in the relationship since she's no idea of your true reasons for doing so! Incidentally, did you two actually discuss when to have sex or was it something that just happened? I think need to have a further convo with her and explain the impact this is having on you.

 

I can fully understand why all this can be confusing for you and most guys would interpret it similarily in my experience ie the girl isn't that attracted to them. I know my boyfriend did then and very nearly ended our relationship because of it!

[leogirl876]

I think she's telling the truth because I've been there before. I think she does really like you but sees it moving faster than she had initially planned on and wants to slow it down so she doesn't make a mistake or get hurt. I'd say just be patient with her, she's probably been hurt before so just be cool with her. I really don't think she's manipulating you.

[surfride]

I'm 22 and she is 24. When we first kissed she did sort of the same thing because she was worried we would start having sex but I just followed what she was comfortable with and we started having sex about a month after hanging out. I guess it sort of just happened, but I asked her if she was comfortable with it the first time we did it.

 

I asked her why we need to slow things down in a polite way when we last talked, and she apologized for making me confused, but she said because she is just confused about how she sees me because she hasn't really had the chance to know me well. She talked about how she began to lose herself because of how fast we were dating and didn't like who she was becoming (she started getting really moody around me) and didn't like how she was treating me. She claims that she's just a hesitant person by nature (which definitely is the case, but I feel like it's an excuse).

[Gaeta]

How long had she been single when you met?

 

You were friends for 3 months, then you dated 1 month than sex. That is 4 months all together. What exactly is going to fast at 4 months? Do you spend too much time together? and what does she consider long enough to have sex again?

 

She is inexperienced and doesn't know that back tracking on sex is just the end of the relationship. Once you've had that intimate connection you can't break it and expect the relationship will continue to go forward. As you see you are put in a position that keeps you from evolving in this relationship.

 

I don't think it's worth it for you. You sound like a good guy, you need a woman that knows what she wants.

[surfride]

To update, we talked again last night and I made it clear to her that as long as we're in the "grey area" it's with the intention of wanting to move our relationship forward. That I want to date her, but I want to date a girl who is confident about liking me. While we are in the "grey" area if she decides she just wants to be friends that I will need time alone to get over my feelings for her and then later we could be friends.

 

She got upset saying I'm like every other guy who just wants something. She said I should be caring for her regardless of what we are.

 

She told me about how a relationship isn't her priority right now in life. I don't know if I believe her, I feel like she could easily get swept off her feet by someone else similarly to how I had her swept off her feet when we started dating. She also asked me why I don't date other people and I told her because I like her and am loyal so why would I do that. I asked her "why do you want me to?" And she said no, but deep down I think she does want me to because she wants me to pull away.

 

We held each other when we were finished talking and she started kissing my neck and she laughed saying "friends don't do that." And I said yeah they don't. When I dropped her off we ended up kissing but then she pulled back and said she didn't feel comfortable kissing. She started to freak out again I think.

 

In general I have her do about 75% of the pursuing and I do 25% of the pursuing. The thing is is that she wants to see me every day. Perhaps I need to start blowing her off instead of agreeing to meet up, maybe I'm not a challenge for her and that is why she is losing attraction. What to do?

[Michelle ma Belle]

To update, we talked again last night and I made it clear to her that as long as we're in the "grey area" it's with the intention of wanting to move our relationship forward. That I want to date her, but I want to date a girl who is confident about liking me. While we are in the "grey" area if she decides she just wants to be friends that I will need time alone to get over my feelings for her and then later we could be friends.

 

She got upset saying I'm like every other guy who just wants something. She said I should be caring for her regardless of what we are.

 

She told me about how a relationship isn't her priority right now in life. I don't know if I believe her, I feel like she could easily get swept off her feet by someone else similarly to how I had her swept off her feet when we started dating. She also asked me why I don't date other people and I told her because I like her and am loyal so why would I do that. I asked her "why do you want me to?" And she said no, but deep down I think she does want me to because she wants me to pull away.

 

We held each other when we were finished talking and she started kissing my neck and she laughed saying "friends don't do that." And I said yeah they don't. When I dropped her off we ended up kissing but then she pulled back and said she didn't feel comfortable kissing. She started to freak out again I think.

 

In general I have her do about 75% of the pursuing and I do 25% of the pursuing. The thing is is that she wants to see me every day. Perhaps I need to start blowing her off instead of agreeing to meet up, maybe I'm not a challenge for her and that is why she is losing attraction. What to do?

 

OMG dude, anyone with two eyes can see the writing on the wall with this chick, why can't you?

 

What to do?? MOVE ON! Seriously. She is a self admitted commitment-phobe and also sounds like someone who enjoys the attention and drama and on HER terms.

 

Why are you wasting your time with this girl???

[Mrin]

Ya man. The writing is on the wall with this one. I am not entirely sure I buy your "breakup by chastity" line of reasoning. I think she's just a very flighty 22 year old who has no clue what she wants and with whom she wants it with. Either way, life is too short to spend in grey area relationships.

 

Go spend your time and attention elsewhere.

[smackie9]

She's not that into you in a romantic sense but really digs your company. You are getting friend zoned.

 

You never wait or stay with someone who won't reciprocate your feelings, wants and desires......especially someone who puts the brakes on. Go get it somewhere else.