Sad, lonely, need support!!

[Jetter2]

Dating a lovely girl for 2 years - we broke up in May. 29/M & 29/F

 

I never saw the breakup coming on, but she was going through somethings. She suffers from Depression & Anxiety, and is in therapy and on meds for both.

 

Basically we broke up, then we went through that classic in-between-still-having-sex phase over the summer. This came to a head in late August when we were talking about getting back together, but not a whole lot had changed so we just kind of fell back into old habits. When she initially broke up with me she wanted to take a 30 day break and then try to work on things and figure it out. Then we went through this weird somewhere-in-the-middle phase where we weren't technically together, but we were.

 

I feel like that will to "figure it out" will always be there as we are so in love its disgusting, but we've had a really rocky summer..and everyone's had a rough 2016 it seems. Maybe everyone is just exhausted..

 

The issue was that she wouldn't bring up things that were bothering her with me because she was afraid I would just shut down and not listen or something. I had pretty strong convictions about not moving in together before some X point in time, my family had never come to visit me so she had never met any of my family etc.

 

After we had a talk in August about her saying she wasn't ready to move in yet, I blew a gasket and my emotions got the best of me. We entered into a deeper level of together-but-not-really and still having sex occasionally.

 

During this inbetween time we both started casually going on dates with other people. I had told her I was going to do this, but she never told me anything about it (and I'm not certain she has to TBH) and I found out about it and lost my f@&ing mind. I sent her a REALLY REALLY mean FB message and we went into this mode of blocking/NC eachother. This was ~6 weeks ago.

 

We had a really amicable October, we hang out at the same bars all the time and we were being polite and friendly and things were fine. The issue I would have is that we would spend 1on1 time at Soccer Games or Concerts and I started to catch feelings - when I asked her about the situation her response was "I want us to work on ourselves and get healthy first otherwise if we start dating again, nothing will of changed". So I would end up getting frustrated and disengaging her and then she gets mad that I am disengaging, and the cycle would continue.

 

She started to get more distant on text/FB which means I knew she was getting her fill of constant daily chatter elsewhere. She went and saw some old friends in LA (we live in ATL) in early October. Come to find out one of the guy friends that she had drinks with out there is going to Vegas to meet her next week for a Concert. He has made 2 weekend trips out here in the past 2 months, but she never mentioned anything about it.

 

Saturday before Thanksgiving she came to a concert with me. I had invited her way back when but I told her I would rather take someone else who had a more permissible romantic interest in me. She threw a fit and came to the concert, only to have a panic attack and leave mid show lol. I went to Tx for the week of Thanksgiving going NC on her the entire time.

 

Saturday I was hanging out with friends and one of them mentioned they saw her and her "LA Guy" at a different pub - I lost my mind lol. The reason I got so pissed is I feel she was being dishonest to both him & I. Just 5 days earlier she had a panic attack and came over, lied in bed with me, hung all over me, and we went to a pub for dinner and casual drinks that evening. She even mentioned "I wish we had more days like this when we dated" during the pub evening. My issue is that if I was starting to date someone, and I found out they were hanging out with their ex, attending concerts with their ex, and sleeping at his house I would burn it all to the ground.

 

I sent her an email about how dishonest I felt she was being with not just me, but especially this new guy. She wanted to meet up and talk and "explain herself".

 

Now here are a few things: (1) This is a dude she grew up with in FL. I don't find him a threat at all, he just lives in LA now. He is going to Vegas to see a concert with her.

(2) She is a pretty needy person from a relationship standpoint, she wouldn't date military people as she needs more regular contact...so how in the hell is she dating a dude that lives 2,000 miles away? A large part of me feels like she is just playing into some dream he has so he doesn't feel used for buying hotel rooms in Vegas lol.

(3) During the talk, she kept mentioning to me how it's "barely even a thing". She even asked my friends if someone told me she was seeing someone, almost as if she was hiding it from me - a lot of this smells like just a jealousy play on her part to piss me off.

 

A thematic idea is that she lived in ATL for a year before we met and dated for 2 years. At the end we had plans to move in together, we had dog names picked out, and get married eventually. Her rationale was that she didn't know what life in ATL looked like without me, which I guess I can understand despite the fact she lived a rather full social life outside of our relationship.

 

In any event, after the talk I told her that I was done & gone. I'm not going to be a homewrecker in ANYONES relationship, regardless of how trivial said relationship might be.

 

So being that we both have been standing down kind of systematically over the past month, I have gone full NC since the talk. The caveat is that we see eachother on average 1-2x a week in social places like pubs or bowling alleys.

 

 

I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like full NC will just drive her away permanently. We had a good relationship and anxiety and miscommunication is what flared up our tiffs in our relationships. I've never loved a woman like I do her and I would love to just pretend nothing happened and move in and towards a marriage. I think its corny but I think there might be some truth in the timing/"if it's mean to be, set it free" montra - it's just hard to enact.

 

So what in the hell do I do? Do I just maintain NC until she reaches out? What if she doesn't reach out, is there a "right" amount of time to wait after this rebound relationship(which I KNOW won't last) to ask her out for a beer or something?

 

I have a lot of emotions and it can be rather hard to process and deal with them without acting out. I've gotten a lot better at it, but over the past month she has stayed pretty on message (at least with me) that she wants to get healthier and see what happens....so how is new guy excluded from the rule?

 

Please help!

Edited December 7, 2016 by Jetter2

[Philosoraptor]

So you're still hanging around why?

 

You need to start working on you, and stop worrying about her. Whether she moves on and has a happily ever after with this new guy, or flames out... doesn't matter in the end. Until you've figured out your insecurity issues, this cycle will only repeat itself.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I think you need to do NC for at least 3 months and work on yourself. You need to be happy on your own and over her, and then maybe one day you can get back together but it sounds like she is not into you. She's certainly not going to marry you right now. I have heard attraction comes back, but it has to be months down the line, you need to have completely moved on and probably in a relationship with someone else, and then she might come back. This back and forth is very comfortable for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever the reason behind it, she is not ready for a committed relationship at this point in her life.

 

Don't be so afraid to lose her. I understand you really like her, but think about the long-term viability here: it's very low. Sure, she got wrapped up in dreaming about the future together, but that is no longer your reality with her. It hurts; I think we can all sympathize. But this is not someone who you can trust with you heart. If you let go completely and she never reaches out, then guess what? You have only lost someone who didn't feel the same way about you.

 

It doesn't matter what happens with this new guy, and it doesn't matter why she's dating him. What matters is that she showed you she isn't a good match for you. She is too much work for too little reward. Stop letting her use you as a back-up.

[Jetter2]

It's not that I'm hanging around, we just see eachother 1-2x a week as we hang at the same social venues.

 

I think my approach will be as follows- feel free to edit it!

 

1) Go full NC

2)keep working on my and growing

3) IF breadcrumbs come my way, leave them alone or respond short & sweet to close the convo.

4)keep working on me

5) only meaningfully respond if she diliberatly comes at me with reconsillation.

 

Thoughts?

[Ilovepizzalady]

It's not that I'm hanging around, we just see eachother 1-2x a week as we hang at the same social venues.

 

I think my approach will be as follows- feel free to edit it!

 

1) Go full NC

2)keep working on my and growing

3) IF breadcrumbs come my way, leave them alone or respond short & sweet to close the convo.

4)keep working on me

5) only meaningfully respond if she diliberatly comes at me with reconsillation.

 

Thoughts?

 

Great plan. This is not a common cold. You have to treat this seriously! I truly wish I had done this when my ex told me he wanted a break. I blew it.

[Jetter2]

It's just really hard on me, this girl is literally my best f%#ing friend. I've never bonded with someone like this.

 

She just needs to work on herself and get herself straight, I need to regain control and my dignity and that requires NC and space.

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I'll stick to that plan. I am certain to run into her at a pub or something, but that doesn't mean NC doesn't work if I'm sitting in a different room or just not engaging her in general.

 

Holidays are coming up, I'm sure I'll see some breadcrumbs or something around then. I think the longest we have ever not talked is like 10 days, so I have a relatively low bar to surpass

 

 

If I might ask - how did you blow it with your ex? Did you break NC?

 

And while we're on that topic, can SOMEONE explain to me how NC is not just giving someone "The Cold Shoulder"? It just seems kinda petty

[Jetter2]

How did you blow it with your ex exactly?

 

The reason its so hard for me is that this girl is literally my best friend on the planet, and I know its mutual. We know we love eachother and it hurts me to watch her suffer but at some point, I have to hold up my dignity and keep NC.

 

The longest time we have done NC is like 10 days, so the bar is somewhat low I suppose. I'm a bit of a stubborn guy so with support I KNOW I can do this

 

 

 

And to add to that - how should I handle it if she approaches me in public/bar/post office/whatever?

 

NC is easy over text as you can just ignore it. That approach is a bit inmature IMO on a F2F level...what would I say?

Edited December 7, 2016 by Jetter2

[Ilovepizzalady]

I blew it because he said he needed a break b/c of our fighting, and then DURING the 2 week break HE would call me and I ignored it but would finally break down (he actually CRIED when I wouldn't answer the phone for 2 days) and I finally answered, and it helped him get over me gradually. Instead of going cold turkey on him and letting him really see what it's like when I'm not there for him. Then he left me 1.5 months later and it got worse and worse.

 

SHE is NOT romantically in love with you anymore. If she were, she wouldn't leave. And regular old love/attachment is not enough for people to stay in the relationship. Everyone craves romantic love. You need to get her attracted again and that is by letting her miss you a LOT. If you run into her in person, say hello, how are you? and that's it. Go off with your friends and do NOT entertain her thoughts or feelings or anything at all.

[Jetter2]

**update**

 

Dude she went to Vegas with they've known eachother from before she moved to ATL.

 

Any event she went to Vegas in early December, maintained Nc.

 

She was at home and lonely I suppose and texts me "Merry Christmas" the night of the 25th, I waited a day to respond.

 

She's put on a noticeable amount of weight, which I love seeing.

 

Anywho I went to NOLA with the boys for NYE and she went to California to see him. Spammed all social media with it.

 

Last week between Xmas and NYE she came over to me in a bar to ask how I was doing, how Xmas was, etc.

 

She had a layover in Dallas(my hometown I never took her to) last night and started more breadcrumbs. Sent me a message that "I can't stop caring about you".

 

I told her to give it time and it'll heal all wounds.

 

She texted me today saying "I got your message and if you wanna talk and have a beer I can do it later".

 

I told her that what she is doing ain't fair to the new guy/rebound.

 

 

No self respecting guy flys 5k miles round trip to get laid.

 

Short of it is that girl is still in love with me. Hopefully she moves to LA and gets eaten alive or just stops this 23 year old trampy behavior.

 

I'm DONE.

 

Moral of the story is that girls will park themselves in a safe relationship across country and then send you **** that is totally unfair to new dude.

 

If she doesn't move she will eventually come back around, we see eachother enough in social venues but I won't be implicated any longer.

 

 

All that being said we still love eachother and I'm going to let time and the stars figure it out.

[umirano]

You're not NC. Block her, remove her from SM, stop looking her up. Ignore her where you can't block/delete her. Every breach of NC sets you back to the break up.