Nightmare Mistress

[tennisman]

I'm engaged for the past 2 years and we have a one year old, the biggest, cutest smartest kid you could imagine. His mom is a super smart straight A student and now a very accomplished 31 year old accountant. I have a rather successful law firm, only work 4 days a week and play tennis 5 days a week. When our boy was 3 months his mom was berating me daily making me feel like hell. She's just an emotionally abusive person when she does not feel right...

 

The stress of the baby and probably some post partum depression made her impossible to deal with, constantly being super aggressive with me to the point where I just didn't want to be home. So I started playing more and more tennis, working out every day, not drinking much at all and as a result lost 15 pounds and I'm close to my college tennis team playing weight. Well, one Friday night when she went ballistic on me I went to the bar for a drink and ended up meeting a hot Thai 24 year old great tennis player.

 

We started playing a lot of tennis and doing yoga then going for 2 and 3 hour lunches with a bottle of wine... after a month we started kissing, then we went on a few trips together and slept together... She beguiled me on these trips but refuses to hook up while we are in town.. things got crazy after 4 or 5 months and she decided to tell me that she was cutting things off when we went on a trip together and were at a super expensive restaurant, in the middle of dinner... It was a really heartless move, nothing I've experienced in my 45 years. So then we started to see each other more sporadically and not hooking up, just tennis.. finally we played some tennis three months ago and talked about going on another trip together some 2 months after she ended things...

 

She then was acting in such a rude way I cut things off completely for about 3 weeks at which point she emailed me that she missed me, called to apologize and even did a three way text with her mom in Thailand (who knows about the whole thing and loves me, strangely enough)... so we started things again and went on two very hot sex filled trips to warm destinations... Before we left I ran into her out with another guy.. after we returned from the trip she got back into her mode of no sex in town and I did not want to deal with that especially knowing she's gonna hook up with the other guy(s).

 

On my birthday she texts me that we won't have this thing for long, then the day after when we are supposed to have a birthday dinner she cancels... clearly is having sex with the other guy, which is actually nothing I can complain about...... but her evilness is astounding... I blocked her chats with me and need to get rid of her, any suggestions?

 

I know she will contact me again at some point, apologize, she also needs me for business purposes, etc.. It will be hard to do, but for my own sanity I need to move on... On top of it she tells me she loves me all the time and honestly I probably love her too, but she's such a huge Biat.h that I can't take it anymore... How to get over this?

Edited December 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[eye of the storm]

Paragraphs are your friend. This was hard to read

 

Are you saying you are living with your fiancée of 2 years with a baby and are cheating with a woman you met playing tennis? Which you were playing constantly because you couldn't stand being home with your fiancée?

 

I think you need to break up. For multiple reasons. You hate being home. You state your fiancée is mean to you. So why did you ask someone that treats you badly to marry you? You also are in love with the OW.

 

BTW, the OW is playing games with you. She will sleep with you on trips but not at home, she is dating others while at home. If I had to guess, you are paying for these nice trips.

 

Break up with your fiancée, work on co-parenting.

[LargoLagg]

I'm engaged for the past 2 years and we have a one year old, the biggest, cutest smartest kid you could imagine. His mom is a super smart straight A student and now a very accomplished 31 year old accountant. I have a rather successful law firm, only work 4 days a week and play tennis 5 days a week. When our boy was 3 months his mom was berating me daily making me feel like hell. She's just an emotionally abusive person when she does not feel right... The stress of the baby and probably some post partum depression made her impossible to deal with, constantly being super aggressive with me to the point where I just didn't want to be home. So I started playing more and more tennis, working out every day, not drinking much at all and as a result lost 15 pounds and I'm close to my college tennis team playing weight. Well, one Friday night when she went ballistic on me I went to the bar for a drink and ended up meeting a hot Thai 24 year old great tennis player. We started playing a lot of tennis and doing yoga then going for 2 and 3 hour lunches with a bottle of wine... after a month we started kissing, then we went on a few trips together and slept together... She beguiled me on these trips but refuses to hook up while we are in town.. things got crazy after 4 or 5 months and she decided to tell me that she was cutting things off when we went on a trip together and were at a super expensive restaurant, in the middle of dinner... It was a really heartless move, nothing I've experienced in my 45 years. So then we started to see each other more sporadically and not hooking up, just tennis.. finally we played some tennis three months ago and talked about going on another trip together some 2 months after she ended things... She then was acting in such a rude way I cut things off completely for about 3 weeks at which point she emailed me that she missed me, called to apologize and even did a three way text with her mom in Thailand (who knows about the whole thing and loves me, strangely enough)... so we started things again and went on two very hot sex filled trips to warm destinations... Before we left I ran into her out with another guy.. after we returned from the trip she got back into her mode of no sex in town and I did not want to deal with that especially knowing she's gonna hook up with the other guy(s). On my birthday she texts me that we won't have this thing for long, then the day after when we are supposed to have a birthday dinner she cancels... clearly is having sex with the other guy, which is actually nothing I can complain about...... but her evilness is astounding... I blocked her chats with me and need to get rid of her, any suggestions? I know she will contact me again at some point, apologize, she also needs me for business purposes, etc.. It will be hard to do, but for my own sanity I need to move on... On top of it she tells me she loves me all the time and honestly I probably love her too, but she's such a huge Biat.h that I can't take it anymore... How to get over this?

First and foremost, find her another lawyer. Tell her you're having financial problems. Her mother will convince her that you're no good after you do that.

 

Second, you need to tell miss CPA that you refuse to be treated like that, and if she persists, you're done, whether it happens before or after the marriage. I'd suggest that you tell her you want to show her what it's like, and then start berating her. You're a lawyer, you can do that, right?

 

Either that, or just ditch her and find yourself a little hottie that won't yell at you so much.

[FoundMyStrength]

Paragraphs are your friend. This was hard to read

 

Are you saying you are living with your fiancée of 2 years with a baby and are cheating with a woman you met playing tennis? Which you were playing constantly because you couldn't stand being home with your fiancée?

 

I think you need to break up. For multiple reasons. You hate being home. You state your fiancée is mean to you. So why did you ask someone that treats you badly to marry you? You also are in love with the OW.

 

BTW, the OW is playing games with you. She will sleep with you on trips but not at home, she is dating others while at home. If I had to guess, you are paying for these nice trips.

 

Break up with your fiancée, work on co-parenting.

 

Yes, it sounds like this is the strategy. If you don't want to be with this other woman, you should break it off. Don't contact her. If she contacts you, don't reply.

 

Also, I don't mean this to sound judgmental, but you may also want to think about how you really feel about this other woman. In one short paragraph you called her evil, a b**ch, and a nightmare mistress, and are focusing almost exclusively on whether she is or is not having sex with you. That doesn't sound like love.

[tennisman]

so you are saying I should break up with the fiancee and work on co parenting... makes sense except that I really don't want to leave my child... I love seeing him every day... I feel trapped.

 

The OW is definitely playing games, and yes, i'm quite wealthy and pay for the trips which is not an issue for me, happy to have her along... How evil is she gonna be if I leave my fiancee?

 

I once heard a mature woman say that she thought the most honest relationship was one with a younger woman and a wealthy guy, because they both get exactly what they want... What do you think?

[eye of the storm]

so you are saying I should break up with the fiancee and work on co parenting... makes sense except that I really don't want to leave my child... I love seeing him every day... I feel trapped. Cheater 101 translation: I feel trapped=cheat instead of dealing with issues. And using your child as a reason to stay in a relationship and cheat is just crappy.

The OW is definitely playing games, and yes, i'm quite wealthy and pay for the trips which is not an issue for me, happy to have her along... How evil is she gonna be if I leave my fiancee? I never said leave your fiancée for the OW. You should leave fiancée because you are cheating on her, exposing her to STDs. She deserves to be with someone who loves her. Which you don't.

I once heard a mature woman say that she thought the most honest relationship was one with a younger woman and a wealthy guy, because they both get exactly what they want... What do you think? If you want to be in a relationship where you are only valued because of your bank balance then it sounds like a perfect relationship.

 

Since you have so much free time, I am sure you could work custody so you have your child a lot. Besides how much do you see him daily since you spend so much time playing tennis and traveling for sex.

[BaileyB]

I think that you have no idea what you are looking for or how to have a healthy relationship. You have managed to hook up with two women who treat you badly and you are currently involved in two very, very unhealthy relationships.

 

And now, your solution is to find another, younger woman to wine and dine, travel and have sex... you can throw your money around and hope that the younger woman will be more impressionable and not give you the grief you've experienced from the more mature women, you unwisely chose to sleep with.

 

Your wife deserves more than a husband who cheats on her. I understand that she is not a warm and welcoming body to come home to every night, but what you've done to her AND YOUR SON by trying to solve the problems in your relationship by going outside the relationship is not a winning strategy.

 

As for your mistress, if she does it with you, she will do it to you. You get what you deserve. Hopefully the sex is good on the trips, because she is using you and you keep coming back again and again for more...

 

As for a younger woman, please deal with your mess before you enter any relationship with a younger woman and damage her in yet another, unhealthy relationship. You have much to learn and much to sort out in your life...

Edited December 7, 2016 by BaileyB

[sandylee1]

so you are saying I should break up with the fiancee and work on co parenting... makes sense except that I really don't want to leave my child... I love seeing him every day... I feel trapped.

 

The OW is definitely playing games, and yes, i'm quite wealthy and pay for the trips which is not an issue for me, happy to have her along... How evil is she gonna be if I leave my fiancee?

 

I once heard a mature woman say that she thought the most honest relationship was one with a younger woman and a wealthy guy, because they both get exactly what they want... What do you think?

 

Get rid of the mistress who is only after your money. Young woman ... older man ... common.

 

It's neither fair or right to be cheating on your fiancée. What is the point of being engaged to someone you don't love and respect? Set her free and pursue your mistress if you think that would work for you.

 

You both deserve to find love with others, instead of this sham. You aren't married, so you retain your wealth. Just coparent and do it while your son is young enough to adjust easily.

 

Your mistress is working on the 'treat em mean, keep em keen strategy'. It seems to be working for her so far, because you're still definetly keen.

 

A mistress is meant to be easy going, fun and no stress. .... she's not doing her job well.

[MJJean]

Since you have so much free time, I am sure you could work custody so you have your child a lot. Besides how much do you see him daily since you spend so much time playing tennis and traveling for sex.

 

No joke!

 

Considering the time you spend away from home working, playing tennis, occasionally going to the bar, traveling, and on your AP, it's not like you're really there for the kid anyways.

 

It's strange, but a lot of men who get 50/50 or even 60/40 custody realize that they are actually spending MORE time with their children then then were when they were living in the same house. Mostly because, during their parenting time, they are the primary caregiver and either have to stay home or bring the kid along.

[BTDT2012]

Own your own mess. Instead of helping the mother of your child though a rough spot, you chose to cheat. Tell your fiancee what you've been doing, and let her go. she deserves better.

[sandylee1]

No joke!

 

 

a lot of men who get 50/50 or even 60/40 custody realize that they are actually spending MORE time with their children then then were when they were living in the same house. Mostly because, during their parenting time, they are the primary caregiver and either have to stay home or bring the kid along

 

 

So true ^^^^^^^^^^^

 

The truth is that many men would actually be doing some caregiving if they split up. That's what some men just don't want to actually do.

 

Because on your own, you are the one who has to feed the child, get them bathed /dressed and entertain and clean up after the.

 

Be honest ... you don't want to do this, because you probably see it as your fiancée's job.

[imsosad]

You have all the time in the world to play tennis, go out for drinks,travel...who is talking care of your child when you're off?

Does your fiancee ever get a chance to go the gym or out with friends?

If you spent more time participating at home, carrying out your parental duties, maybe she would be glad to see you when you walk through the door. Sharing parenting and chores brings couples closer. Leaving your partner to deal on her own while you do whatever is unfair. Has she slept through the night since she had your child? You don't strike me as a dad who gets up to do the night feeding.

You complain about your nightmare mistress, but you are no dream partner yourself.

Decide what is it you want. If you want to do right by your family, come clean and start spending more time at home. If you take your child to the park and give your girlfriend a chance to kick back, you might find that when you are more loving and considerate, so is she.

Edited December 7, 2016 by imsosad

[tennisman]

So true ^^^^^^^^^^^

 

The truth is that many men would actually be doing some caregiving if they split up. That's what some men just don't want to actually do.

 

Because on your own, you are the one who has to feed the child, get them bathed /dressed and entertain and clean up after the.

 

Be honest ... you don't want to do this, because you probably see it as your fiancée's job.

 

If I got joint custody which I think I would, I would have an au pair, and more assistance as well. But yes, I would spend more time with my son, primarily because his mom wouldn't be there to dominate the situation... I see a lot of projection in these responses. What I didn't say is that I broke off the engagement a few months back and told her I don't want to get married, also recently told her I want to separate.... I'm having a hard time actually doing just that... I want to see my son every day... I also don't want to run into the arms of the OW as I think that may be worse for me... honestly, I may not be great relationship material as I've slept with hundreds of women... but I'm a great lawyer and a great tennis player and will teach my son three languages and will provide for everyone involved... all this moral BS is really pathetic, 50% of couples cheat at some point... no need to defend myself here, just looking for sage advice.

[aileD]

If I got joint custody which I think I would, I would have an au pair, and more assistance as well. But yes, I would spend more time with my son, primarily because his mom wouldn't be there to dominate the situation... I see a lot of projection in these responses. What I didn't say is that I broke off the engagement a few months back and told her I don't want to get married, also recently told her I want to separate.... I'm having a hard time actually doing just that... I want to see my son every day... I also don't want to run into the arms of the OW as I think that may be worse for me... honestly, I may not be great relationship material as I've slept with hundreds of women... but I'm a great lawyer and a great tennis player and will teach my son three languages and will provide for everyone involved... all this moral BS is really pathetic, 50% of couples cheat at some point... no need to defend myself here, just looking for sage advice.

 

Then just be honest from the beginning, the fact that you broke it off and are separating makes it a whole different story

[BTDT2012]

If I got joint custody which I think I would, I would have an au pair, and more assistance as well. But yes, I would spend more time with my son, primarily because his mom wouldn't be there to dominate the situation... I see a lot of projection in these responses. What I didn't say is that I broke off the engagement a few months back and told her I don't want to get married, also recently told her I want to separate.... I'm having a hard time actually doing just that... I want to see my son every day... I also don't want to run into the arms of the OW as I think that may be worse for me... honestly, I may not be great relationship material as I've slept with hundreds of women... but I'm a great lawyer and a great tennis player and will teach my son three languages and will provide for everyone involved... all this moral BS is really pathetic, 50% of couples cheat at some point... no need to defend myself here, just looking for sage advice.

 

Why come looking for advice and not tell the truth about the situation?

[ShatteredLady]

If you're presenting yourself & your situation truthfully you are correct...you are NOT relationship material. As an intelligent lawyer I think you already know the answer - DON'T EVER MARRY!

 

Why not just have one night stands & brief HONEST flings so you don't hurt people & you can buy all the fun you want?

 

Seriously! Why do you want any kind of 'real' relationship?

[tennisman]

I'm actually not planning on marrying ever... I've had plenty of real relationships for years at a time, and I'm friends with a lot of X's... Look at the happiest nation, Denmark, marriage rates have plummeted, most of my Danish friends never marry and have kids...

 

Do I try to work it out in a non marriage with my son's mom, or do I leave her? What do I do with this OW?

[freengreen]

You both are not just tennis players.. but your OW is definitely playing better.

 

Try work it out with your fiance.. she got babies with you. If not, let her know that you cannot be with her anymore and call it quits. The other woman, she will settle down anyway, with or without you. To avoid all this confusion, stay away.

 

I am not proud about my sneak story. Its not nice to sneak when it comes to deep feelings and relations. They just mess you up at the end. Take one AFTER another.

[eye of the storm]

...

 

Do I try to work it out in a non marriage with my son's mom, or do I leave her? What do I do with this OW?

 

Leave the relationship. Co-parent. Then the OW won't be an OW and you can do whatever you want with her.

 

I might say try to work out with your fiancée but you have stated she is hard to live with and you avoid the home because of her. So it needs to end no matter what.

[pteromom]

Break it off with your kid's mom. Come up with a VERY fair (to her and your child) parenting plan. Make sure you take good financial care of the family you created. It's only right.

 

Break it off with your mistress, or just see her once in a while for travel and sex. Make it VERY clear to her that it is just casual if you do this. No texting or drama in between dates.

 

Stay single, as you plan to do. Don't get engaged if you don't want to get married. Nothing wrong with being single or sleeping around, but something very wrong with leading women on. Just be very honest upfront. You are wealthy and successful - you'll find plenty of women happy to be "third Friday of every month" in exchange for fancy dinners and gifts.

 

Lastly - how about a vasectomy so you don't end up dealing with more future baby mommas?

[pteromom]

Also - if you are very fair and kind to your baby's mother, she may be willing to work with you so you can see your child every day. Perhaps you can stop by every night after work and play with him while your ex takes care of things around the house or goes shopping. Making a FRIEND of her will benefit you greatly when it comes to the relationship with your child.

[Whoknew30]

Your OW isn't the problem nor is she evil...she's living her life as she should. She isn't playing your "waiting around" game & good for her. She looks evidently cares for you but she's not dumb enough to put her eggs all in one basket on someone that is a huge coward. You don't have the guts to fully end your relationship. The only person thinking only about themselves is you.

 

I think you're upset with OW bc you don't have control...take control of your own life & stop focusing on how your life is everyone else's fault your own.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm quite sure part of this situation will sort itself out soon, because your mistress won't stick around forever. Even if you leave your girlfriend, this OW very likely isn't interested in having you full-time anyway. It works for her now because you bankroll meals and wine and vacations and she essentially does nothing but sleep with you and provide some attention to get those perks, but do you really think she's still going to be so hot for you when you are hammering out custody details and not so available to take trips and play with her when you want? If you think she is going to be all yours if you leave, you are in for a serious reality check. As someone else pointed out, this OW plays the game a lot better than you do.

 

Your girlfriend doesn't deserve this. Your child doesn't, either. That baby will someday be old enough to wonder where the heck Daddy is, while you're off boinking a woman who uses you for your money. Let's see...being there to tuck in your little one, read him a story and kiss him goodnight, or ...say, vacationing with your mistress and not having any idea what the baby is up to or if he needs you at home.

 

And now you're worried about not being able to see him every day? At least be honest with yourself. You're concerned primarily about you and your needs.

 

In any event, your relationship with your girlfriend, is more or less dead at this point. You're obviously not happy and don't want to be there. Her emotional and verbal abuse is not acceptable. But neither is your response to it.

 

Start doing the right thing. If you won't do it for your girlfriend, do it for your child.

[ShatteredLady]

The girlfriends gut is probably SCREAMING at her. Her behavior is likely a reaction to him & his behavior.

 

OP

Give her the chance to find a great step-Dad for your child who can teach love, responsibility, FAMILY.

[minimariah]

If I got joint custody which I think I would, I would have an au pair, and more assistance as well.

 

if you need an au pair or assistence - joint custody isn't for you. if you're cnot capable of raising your son ON YOUR OWN, joint custody is a bad idea. the mother should have primary physical custody & that's the arrangement you're probably going to get unless you pull some strings as a lawyer. joint custody is for the parents who have the time to dedicade THEMSELVES to their child, not pass them on a nanny or any other help.

 

be realistic.

 

I want to see my son every day...

 

that's out of the question when you separate or divorce - time splits between you and your X. you'll have YOUR days and she will have hers. one of the consequences you need to accept.

 

...but I'm a great lawyer and a great tennis player and will teach my son three languages and will provide for everyone involved...

 

none of that means you'll be a great dad. you have a 3 - month old at home, you're cheating and thinking of leaving -- so far...? you're not up for any Dad of the Year awards. moral is what matters, principles and character - THAT's what you should learn your son. who cares about law, tennis or languages... YOU won't teach him any of that - his teachers will. if you decide to separate, be a PRESENT dad. cut off the work hours and dedicate yourself to your son. deal with your relationship 1st, then with your OW. and i'd recommend counseling.