Asking me for my friendship after all these betrayals! Your opinion?

[totallyconfused]

Update: ok so i did follow some of the advice given to me here and plan to return [some] stuff i bought on his cc.

 

he kept messaging me today - this is what he said:

 

"listen u know im sorry. i dont want to hate. sorry if i didnt talk to you right away. so have i really lost a friend christina?...[next] we know each other so well...and u deny any friendship?...[next] i did do wrong but i never insulted you and i tried to always be there. if this is what u want, then so be it. i am a good person like u told me. even they make mistakes. if this is the only way 2 talk 2 u, then so be it." he sent the last msg twice?

 

i didnt reply to any of them. nowhere in there does he talk about getting back together so thats outta the question. i am hurt by that. but i feel i am getting stronger about myself - how can he put a guilt trip on me? he betrayed me and now he wants a friendship? wants to be friends with me while he screws that other girl?

 

i would be friends w/him if had stood up for me when his little new gf is attacking me - the fact that she has pics of herself naked w/his shirt on and stupid little aim blurbs of their convo on her aim. [i did delete her website & blocked them on aim btw now b/c of that]. its like if he wants friendship, then he should show it first by at least sticking up for me - say something like - take that shi*t down, u win already, she is already grieving. but he continues to let her hurt me. what kind of a friend is that?

 

so now i just want to forget all this and ignore it all. i gotta put this behind me and move on with or without his friendship. i take trust very seriously and hes ran all over it. whats your opinion? is he still playing games with me to see how far i am serious in getting over him? the last time i saw him this past weekend, he said that he wanted to get that feeling back and maybe it will happen, but that he wanted to see what happens with this other girl. but i wont entertain the thought anymore.

 

idk im sick of analyzing. ive already started talkin to a co-worker from work and just trying to move on and make new friendships, b/c truly i am grieving the death of my best friend.

[butterfly29]

You know, when you pick your friends and lovers there are qualifications you're looking for... Less requirements for friendship of course but still. Not everyone is eligible to become a friend, only people you choose because you like them for certain qualities they posess. And because you trust them.

 

When Exes want to be friends, it's a bit more complicated. Think about this, does he really deserve to be your friend? He just asks you to be put on a next level, friend which is less than a partner of love. And what is his reasoning? Honestly, I am starting to see that whenever someone asks to be your friend, after dumping you, their reasoning is nothing but reasurance. The reasurance that they still measure up in your world and you still think they're ok, even though they did something really hurtful to you. When they ask for friendship after being the one dumped or cheated on, it's just a way to keep you in their life. Aside from your feelings for this guy, do you like him as a person after all that happened between you two.

[totallyconfused]

if i saw that he did this to some other girl, i am the type of person to write someone off - i'd completely steer clear from a man like this to be a friend let alone a bf. but since I am the person he did this to, then no, theres no way i could ever want to be friends with a person that has hurt me, lied to me, deceived me, and betrayed me. growing up i lost alot of best friends b/c of lying and betrayal. i gave them only one chance. but i gave him 4 years of trust and respect, and a multitude of chances after having caught him lying to me years before.

 

is it bad to think that the one i love died? b/c thats how i feel that he is no longer the same person and that i must grieve for the one i loved before.

[LucreziaBorgia]

is it bad to think that the one i love died? b/c thats how i feel that he is no longer the same person and that i must grieve for the one i loved before.

 

Its not bad to think that way, because for all intents and purposes its true. The man you loved no longer exists for you. You are not obligated to be friends with his ghost, either. You can let him know that you appreciate the offer, but that you would rather not be friends so that you can move on with your life. If he is interested in friends in its truest sense, he will respect your wishes - because that's what friends do: they want what's best for each other and do not make friendship an obligation. If he gives you a hassle, you know he's only in it for selfish reasons and you are better off just saying your "good luck and goodbyes".

[totallyconfused]

ughhhhhh now dead boy just emailed me:

 

"so christina. its nice you have found someone so quickly...really, i hope that you can be happy. as far as the asking for friendship, idk why i wouldnt want it that way. for so long, i did alot of right, as friends, and i also made a big mistake. i am human. im not going to be the same as other people. sorry i dont have a house and 4 cars, but still, it doesnt mean that makes me that much less of a person, just different, in a different situation. maybe i just dont see everything you do.....but as soon as you said to me that friendship is what you needed from me at the least, and i said, yes, i want to give you at least that....not a little bit later, you said i take it back. this situation really bit the big one....and yes i am at fault on that. but does that make me a monster? would a monster do any of the things i have done, for the good of you well being (b/c there is some i know)? now i am not saying i havent made bad decisions....and maybe i dont act as much of my age as i should sometimes...but i can confidently say that i am a decent person at least. not the same as people you will meet, but decent..and you even said so yourself. i didnt turn my back on friendship, and if that is what you think, then that wasnt the intention. i wont try to explain my actions b/c that wont do any good...but i can say that i would like to be someone there for you, and you for me (that superpower of yours would be nice to have). so if i dont hear from you, i will take it as a sign that you want me out of your life forever, and i will start to forget the last 4 years of good and bad, b/c that is what i will have to do to have it stop bothering me like it does now."

 

this email isnt so bad if it wasnt for the fact that he's letting his little new gf attack me by trying to make me jealous. if he wants friendship then why is he letting her do this to me? all he needs to say is take that shi*t down, she is already hurting, but nope no decency. i dont want friendship, i dont think i could handle friendship. i feel like this is all just a guilt trip, like butterfly says, all he wants is reassurance from someone he trusted that he is still good. but i do not think he is good. all it seems in that email is he is still trying to convince himself that he is a good person. trying to convince himself while using me to help him convince himself. grrrr btw the stuff about the "new guy w/the 4 cars" was just a post i put on my web blog. i asked my friends on advice on how i should ask the dude for help in buying a new car. i know he has been dying to use that "i am human. i make mistakes" excuse for a long time. i cud smell it comin a mile away. do i want to him to be a little jealous...yes naturally. but i AM trying to move on. he is now in the back of my mind...for a good long while. i was extremely good to him in many ways, and so i am confident that he will miss me. who knows i guess. who cares now...b/c i am moving on!

[d'Arthez]

You can only become friends if the transition from lovers to friends was not caused by things that would have ruined a normal friendship. If you were betrayed, friendship is highly unlikely to develop.

[Opium]

If he did all this to you as a bf imagine what he would do as a friend? This guy just wants to take all the guilt he has away from him by making it up saying he wants to be friends.

 

You can only become friends if the transition from lovers to friends was not caused by things that would have ruined a normal friendship. If you were betrayed, friendship is highly unlikely to develop.

 

Very true! Knowing someone hurt me that bad I wouldn't except in my life no matter how much they begged.

[totallyconfused]

please notice in the last line of that email...hes giving me an ultimatim. an ultimatim that i want to just throw up his butt. its like what are my options - CRAP or CRAPPIER? Hmmm which is better? neither. heres a 3rd option - get out while u can and leave it all in the past.

 

am i too angry about this? should i email him letting him know what kind of a friend will let his new gf attack me like that?? the fact that HE and her has attacked me playing jealousy games and then asks for my friendship?

[d'Arthez]

Why would you bother? From the look of things, they have exactly found what they were looking for: each other. If we may go with your words, that should be punishment enough.

 

Forget about the friendship. It would only become an ordeal, and prolong your misery.

[midori]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

 

am i too angry about this? should i email him letting him know what kind of a friend will let his new gf attack me like that?? the fact that HE and her has attacked me playing jealousy games and then asks for my friendship?

 

It sounds like you're sending your message loud and clear -- and it's troubling him. You know he has done you wrong, and continues to do so by not reining in his new girlfriend. Why on earth would anyone want to have anything to do with such a person? You don't need to explain or justify. If he has even two actively firing brain cells, and were truly interested in friendship for your sake, because he appreciates and values the person you are, you wouldn't be in this situation right now. This is his fault, you're not in a quandary about what to do because of unwarranted anger on your part. Keep on ignoring him -- it's not your fault he's being thick.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by midori

It sounds like you're sending your message loud and clear -- and it's troubling him. You know he has done you wrong, and continues to do so by not reining in his new girlfriend. Why on earth would anyone want to have anything to do with such a person? You don't need to explain or justify.

 

I agree with Midori .. Let him be and if his e-mails/texts become a bother then you could deal with it on another level

[SoleMate]

Yup, I agree. Total NC with this guy...and I don't even know the back story! I just don't like his vaguely threatening, whining, manipulative email voice. He did things which are completely unfriendly...and he is CONTINUING to fail to be even a half-baked friend. Therefore, it is logical you cannot be "friends" with him.

 

Like others have said, when he "asks" or pressures you to say that there is still a friendship, the goal is PURELY relief of his own guilt. It has nothing to do with actually being a friend. He deserves to stew in his own guilt, so do make sure you do not prevent that personal growth opportunity from happening. And then move on to your new life, full of possibilities.

[totallyconfused]

im a little scared on just having him "forget the last 4 years of good and bad", i feel as if im trying to call his bluff. but either way, why would i want to care for someone who did that to me? why would i want someone who ran over my trust and betrayed in so many ways.

 

i guess i have to stop calling my own bluff, and start emotionally moving on. damn i wanted to keep that purse.

[Opium]

"forget the last 4 years of good and bad",

 

He's using this to get you angry and hurt you again. Don't you see it? He's making it seem like it's your choice if he decides to have no contact so he's going to make you feel bad about it because he know's what he did was wrong. I wouldn't even consider him as a friend, and honestly do you think he's going to really 'forget' the past 4 years?

 

It's hard to get over anything whether it was you the dumpee or vice versa. Good and Bad memories stay with you forever and even if you try, their always be their. All he's doing is trying to make himself seem like he's an honest and trying to "make up to you" by staying friendsbut all he's showing with these emails is exactly who he truely is, someone who only cares about himself.

[totallyconfused]

ugh another STUPID voicemail. after that threatening whining email i get this vm today -

 

"hi christina i guess um im taking that you dont want anything at all. i just wanted to at least call one time and say goodbye. its hard for me to believe that u just dont care at all anymore even. and if u wanna call this for any friendship then take it as that. hope you have a nice weekend, a nice everything else in your life. talk to you later."

 

i loooooooooooove how he adds the "talk to you later part". if you could just see the progression of the voicemails he's sent from the time when i called to now of NC. at first it was like full of excuses why he didnt call and that he'd try to call later on. its seriously a power trip

 

right now he is being needy. not needy out of love. too needy of a friendship b/c he wants to erase the guilt.

 

what can i say I AM STUPID TO STILL LOVE HIM. I AM STUPID TO STILL WANT HIM BACK. I cant help it. I know that if I did get back together with him, it would be too untrusting, too much betrayal. But seriously, how do i get him to want me back? to apologize for what he did wrong? i guess thats an impossibility b/c he has no brains right now. he's being so selfish, just using me to make himself feel better. ugh. WHyyyy. when he realizes what he did (which will probably after he screws that hobag girl) then it will be too late for him. too late and i dont want to run in that too late b/c by then my pride will get to me. i want prideless love. ugh...idk. im so stupid.

 

should i keep up the NC or just tell him to leave me alone and threaten him? ugh its so such a sick game.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Give yourself some 'no contact' time - in which you have zero communication with him. None, nada - no voice mails - if he leaves one and you start playing it and its his voice erase it before you hear any more of the message, no emails - block all incoming contact. Then... take no less than 30 full uninterrupted days of unbiased time to really think this over. Every day write something down about how you are feeling. Every day, let yourself get a little more objective. For every positive you write about him, write a negative.

 

Don't hide away while doing this. Go out, meet people, do stuff - if you have an opportunity to go on casual, fun (not sexual) dates then do so.

 

Hopefully after thirty days of really thinking, your question will turn from "How do I get him back" to "Why on earth did I want him back?"

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Give yourself some 'no contact' time - in which you have zero communication with him. None, nada - no voice mails - if he leaves one and you start playing it and its his voice erase it before you hear any more of the message, no emails - block all incoming contact. Then... take no less than 30 full uninterrupted days of unbiased time to really think this over. Every day write something down about how you are feeling. Every day, let yourself get a little more objective. For every positive you write about him, write a negative.

 

Don't hide away while doing this. Go out, meet people, do stuff - if you have an opportunity to go on casual, fun (not sexual) dates then do so.

 

Hopefully after thirty days of really thinking, your question will turn from "How do I get him back" to "Why on earth did I want him back?"

 

Excellent advice You really need to create a plan an stick to it .. Otherwise your head will keep getting all messed up with the "what ifs" and the "and ifs"